Monday morning I awoke naked and still drunk at the ZaZa hotel, Jaime passed out by my side. It hit me immediately, a reality smack to the face. My interview! I leapt from bed, my body alert, pulsing anxiety. "Oh my God, Jaime, I need your car. Give me your keys!"

He stirred, leisurely stretching his arms above his head and yawned deeply. "Well good morning to you too," he said. "Damn, I feel like shit. What time is it?"

"Jaime, I don't know! I have to get to my interview downtown by nine! Please give me your keys!"

"Calm down." He sighed deeply and checked his wristwatch. "Annie, babe, it's eleven-thirty. You missed your interview."

I felt sick. My mouth watered and bile rose in my throat. Clamping my lips, no time to lose, I raced to the bathroom and threw up last night's blend of cocktails into the beautiful throne of a toilet. Our ZaZa vacation was officially over.

Weeks passed and although I was still kicking myself for missing my interview, Jaime called routinely, making it impossible to feel anything but cheery. We were an honest to goodness couple and nothing, not even missing out on a prospective internship such as the Dallas Moring News, was going to keep my spirits down.

"There will be other opportunities," I told Lulu, Harriett, Julian, and Jack Swanson on our way to Lake Texoma for the Fourth of July. We were piled into Julian's '98 Tahoe flying down Interstate seventy-five, each a tad nervous about Julian's role at the helm.

Lulu invited Jack along at the last minute with explicit instructions. "Do not mention the possibility of publishing Annie's diaries. In fact, don't speak to Annie of writing at all. It makes her crazy anxious, a bore to be around and this weekend's for fun."

​Lulu wore her bossy pants and I had no escape from the rocks she hurled against my fantasy bubble of love."  All I'm saying, Annie, is that if Jaime cared about you and your dreams he would've helped you make that interview. He would've come on this trip. He should want to get to know your friends." Lulu continued her speech which had been going on for days.

​"Let's not fight!" Harriett broke in, sensing a brewing feud. "This weekend is about fun with friends, celebrating America, and meeting Matt John Barnes."

​Lately, Harriet had adopted a new dreamy tone of voice, complete with fairytale princess manner. She hummed all the time and could speak of little other than the mysterious Matt John and how obviously well suited the two of them were as a couple. The majority of her comments began with the words "my mother says" and apparently Harriet's mom had a lot to say on this topic.

"Mom said the Barnes's construction company obtained the bid to build a new glass skyscraper downtown," she told us proudly, as if already a member of the family's prosperous clan. "I'm so excited about this weekend y'all! I can't wait to see him. Can you feel it? Love's in the air! I'm about to meet my one, the man meant for me." She used her brand new voice.

​"Harriet, there's nothing hot about a thirty-year-old fairy princess. You've got to knock it off," Lulu dictated, an equal opportunity boss.

​Harriett gasped, "I'm not thirty yet!"

​"Ok fine. Nobody wants a twenty-six-year-old princess either."

​Julian remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout most of our road trip. He drove in silence barely glancing at the highway. Instead he alternately checked himself out in his always open sun-visor mirror and cast flirty stares toward Jack Swanson, seated to his right. Admittedly, I understood Julian's struggle. Jack was the kind of handsome that made people nervous and although my heart belonged to Jaime, my eyes kept flittering to Jack.

Batting his eyelashes and sucking in his belly, unabashed lust oozed from Julian's gaze. He broke his silence. "So, Jack, tell us about you." He licked his Restiline-filled lips.

​Jack smiled easily. "I'm an open book. Love to travel, golf, read. I'm a literary agent, attended the University of Oklahoma and then moved to New York. Now I'm back in Dallas and I love it. What else do you want to know, Jewls?"

​"I want to know absolutely everything about you silly goose, intimately. Will you rub my head?" Julian trilled adopting a Southern belle accent.

​Jack narrowed his eyes and shot a look back to my friends and me that said, "What have I gotten myself into?"

​Julian, now fully ignoring his driving duties dropped his bald head, leaning down toward Jack's lap, waiting for his rubdown. "Touch it!" he ordered.

​"Whoa cowboy," Jack drawled, thumping Jewls's head away and reaching for the unmanned steering wheel, taking control.

​Fortunately for Jack at that moment we reached exit seventy-two, our turn off for Lake Texoma. Julian refocused, taking the winding roads like an Indie car racer and before long we reached a long cobblestone driveway leading to the Barnes's estate.

​Harriet pressed her nose to the window, wide-eyed and smiling, ready to meet her future. "It's beautiful," she breathed.

​She was correct. The estate set upon twenty acres of lush green land. We passed an impressive garden and an orchard filled with ripe vegetables and fruit. We saw a charming red stable surrounded by horses grazing on mounds of fresh hay, manes blowing wild in the morning wind. We took in a large aircraft hanger and accompanying landing strip. And finally we made it to the lakeside house, sitting majestically upon a rolling hill of grass. It was a rambling, oversized, cabin-like castle, built in an elegantly rustic style.

​Julian honked his horn announcing our arrival. As if on cue a beautiful blonde woman pulled open the enormous hand carved front door, waving and welcoming us inside of the Barnes's home.

​"Welcome y'all, happy Fourth of July! I'm Deborah Barnes, call me Debbie. I'm Matt John's mom." She ushered us warmly into her house. Focusing her charms on Harriett, she took my friend in her arms and hugged her close. "It's so wonderful to meet you, dear!" she cooed. "Your mom and I've been planning this for quite some time and I must say, you're even more gorgeous than I'd imagined. Let me show y'all to your rooms and we'll get you all set up."

​Our group followed along behind as Deborah led us into the gigantic main living room and down one of many halls. "This is the guest wing," she explained, pointing us each toward individual rooms. "I have to finish up in the kitchen but please, do make yourselves at home. Matt John should be here any minute and then y'all can take out the boat." She clapped her hands, seeming pleased with this plan and disappeared down the long hallway.

​Harriett let out a whooping yell from her room next door to mine. I rushed to her side, wondering what was going on, finding her dancing on top of a wooden sleigh bed. "This is it, Annie! I'm getting over Nick Masters!" She sang in her far away voice.

"I feel it in my bones, Deborah's going to be my mother-in-law! This is supposed to be my life, here on the ranch with Matt John and his wonderful family."

​"That's great, Harriett," I said, eyeing her wearily as she continued her dance of celebration. Watching her shimmy, my concerns mounted. I debated whether I should attempt to bring her back to earth, just a little. But the idea of casting doubt on my friend's obvious joy left me feeling icky. So instead I joined her on the bed, hopping hopefully for her fantasy future.

​Lulu found us jumping like loons. "Check this out," she said, thrusting a silver-framed picture our way.

​Harriett squealed, delighted as she admired a picture of a young Matt John, nerdy-cute in his glasses and turtleneck. "Aw, he's such a cutie pie. Look at that face. We'd make the cutest babies ever!"

​Three hours later my friends and I were still waiting on the arrival of Matt John Barnes. We sat restlessly around a marbled kitchen island bar as the minutes slowly ticked passed. We ate multiple meals, grazing periodically on the ever-stocked cheese, dips, fruits and vegetable trays.

Debbie worked snapping beans and icing cakes. She kept looking at her Rolex. "I don't know what could be keeping, Matt John," she sighed, obviously displeased by her son's late appearance. "I'll try to call him again."

"I can't wait to see him," Harriett murmured.

Debbie's snapping became more aggressive and she amped-up her worried look.

​Guests trickled in around one o'clock, bringing with them blueberry pies, beer, and explosives--armed and ready to celebrate America.

​'Let's go check out the horses," I said, looking to distract Harriet from her bad case of nerves and desperately craving a cigarette.

​"I'll go," said Jack, smiling my way.

I blushed against my will.

​"I wanna see the ponies!" Julian cried, not about to leave handsome Jack's side.

​Lulu followed suit as well, but Harriett balked saying, "I think I'll help Debbie out in the kitchen."

​We didn't object. A parent's dream, Harriett, no doubt wanted to woo Matt John's mother. Our group walked toward the stable, smoking and complaining bitterly about the five hour and counting wait.

​"Sexy boots," Jack said, elbowing my side.

​"Oh, thanks!" I beamed, pleased by his compliment and pointedly ignoring Julian's jealous glare.

​"Annie," Jack said, still looking at me. "Do you want to feed the horses?"

​I watched with alarming arousal as he pulled a shiny red apple from his pocket, cracking it into halves with his bare hands.

​"Sure would," I agreed. Our fingers brushed one another's as he handed me my half, sending sparks shooting through my body. "Hey Jack, I forgot to ask. What were you saying the other night when I ran into you at the lake? Something about my writing?"

"Hey ya'll, check out this crazy fool pulling up the driveway," Lulu exclaimed.

​We all turned and watched as a black monster truck covered in mud ripped recklessly down the cobblestone path. It skidded loudly off to the right, onto the dirt and grass leaving billows of smoke and dust in its wake. The driver pitched an empty beer bottle out of his window, arching it expertly into the bed of his truck which came to a screeching halt in front of the Barnes's home. A man and woman got out.

​He exited the truck cradling a bucket of chicken under one roided out arm, cigarette and fresh beer in the other. Tattoos covered his shirtless body and he wore a tattered cowboy hat over long greasy curls.

​The girl snatched the beer from his grasp, chugging it down, spewing foam from her mouth and her nose as she walked. A Cobra tattoo wrapped around her legs and appeared to be suffocating a bleeding angel across her chest. She wore a fried perm which appeared to be wet, along with dirty jean shorts and a white see-through bikini top.

​Surely that's not Matt John. But with dismay I made out the innocent face from the picture. Oh fuck no! One look at Lulu and I knew she shared the silent worries screaming in my head. "We have to get to Harriett!"

​Mortified by empathy for my friend's quickly crashing dreams I raced toward the huge cabin needing to be at her side when she received the tragic blow to her heart. Lulu was hot on my trail, echoing my thoughts. "Was that him? Is that lake-tramp his date? Did you see her puke?"

By the time we made it, sweating and breathless inside the Barnes's house it was too late. Harriet, along with her mom (who'd apparently arrived at the party) had seen him.

I watched their eyes as they took in Matt John. His drug enhanced tattooed arms, veins bulging beneath his skin and his nearly naked lake-tramp, nipples pressing large dark circles beneath her wet suit. My friend and her mom wore matching expressions of horror. Their eyes moved back and forth between lake-tramp and Matt John. Deborah watched on with us, desperate worry written across her face.

"Matt John, you're late!" his mother admonished, clearly angry. "Where've you been?"

​Stuffing a whole fried chicken into his mouth, Matt John laughed at her question, crunching loudly and moving in to give a greasy bear hug. "I'm sorry, mom. We just woke up," he mumbled, mouth full and openly showing chewed bits of his meal.

​Trying in vain to cover her mortification, Deborah made introductions as her son alternately crunched on meat and scratched his balls. "Matt John, I want you to meet Harriett, and her mother and friends. They drove up from Dallas. So please try and show them a good time today on the boat."

​"Sure thing," he said, "slapping lake-tramp on her ass cheeks that spilled from beneath her short shorts. "You all ready to hit the lake?"

​His question was met with trepidation by our group. Jack grimaced and asked if he could drive the boat. Lulu crossed her arms and gave her most disdainful glower. Julian popped a small blue pill into his mouth, not bothering with a chaser. And I looked toward Harriett to see how she was coping with all the food smacking and bared nipples and scratching of the balls.

What I saw caught me completely off guard. Harriett beamed, looking up to Matt John. She appeared genuinely ecstatic by this invitation. "Yup, we're ready! Let's head to the boat!" she sang.

​"Harriett, are you sure you want to go?" I asked, nodding toward lake-tramp and shaking my head.

​"Of course I want to go." She laughed, whispering brazenly to me, "That girl's no competition."

I stared at my friend, bewildered by her words. And then it dawned on me. Despite the collage of clichéd tattoos covering his body, despite the open mouthed chicken-chomping smacks, despite the obvious use of steroids and the nipple bearing Lake Tramp, Harriett's fairytale delusion remained fully intact.

The marina was a mad house of drunken celebration by the time we arrived. Fireworks exploded prematurely set and boats blanketed the water. It was a huge party, and I couldn't help but feel disappointed that Jaime hadn't come along.

We loaded supplies of beer, liquor, and food into the Barnes's long stunningly sleek Cigarette boat. Engine gunned our boat sped recklessly through the no wake-zone, Matt John as our captain. Jack made convincing arguments as to why he should man the helm and had gained full support from our crew. Too bad for us, there'd been no convincing Matt John.

I let down my ponytail, allowing my long hair to blow wild in the wind. Enjoying the heated sun on my face I relaxed in spite of our peril. Feeling eyes upon me I turned to see Jack grinning my way.

Shivering, I tore my eyes away. Wishing again for Jaime I sighed, disturbed by my inexplicably strong physical reaction to Jack.

I truly am a Fag Hag.

"Y'all ever been to Booby Island?" Matt John cracked open another can of beer.

"Booby Island?" Julian groaned. "That's naaasty."

Ignoring Julian's objections Matt John steered his family's impressive sea cruiser dead ahead, on course toward his planned destination.

Boats littered the Coast of Booby Island, packed in tight, side-by-side to allow for easy vessel hopping.

"This looks fun!" Harriett cheered, taking in the party atmosphere awaiting us in the distance. "Thanks for bringing us, Matt John."

"Yeah, no probs," he said. "But you guys will have to swim from here."

Julian and Lulu bristled at this bit of news. "Listen here you, King Chicken Head of the lake people. That's not going to happen." Jewls pointed to his furry, spotted Speedo, "Couture, made entirely of real live leopard. It cannot get wet."

"Agreed," Lulu chimed in, "Never mind my Dolce & Gabanna suite, I'm not swimming that far. My hair extensions will be ruined!"
"You got no choice, doll face. My dad called. I gotta go pick up another group of folks from the party. They need a ride to the island." Matt John crushed his beer can against his head and tossed it into the lake. "Y'all gonna have to jump."

My friends and I eyed one another warily, each wondering if the other was willing to submit and follow directions from the drunken cowboy. Jack stood up first, stripping off his white t-shirt to reveal rippling abs, looking more than ready to take the plunge.

Taking in Jack's sexy body Julian changed his tune. "I'll jump in the lake," he sang, ripping away his shirt as well, pot-belly on full display.

"What about our beer?" Harriet asked, sounding worried.

"I'll bring the beer," Jack told her, easily scooping up the heavy ice cooler and tossing it over his broad shoulders.

"Get off the boat!" Matt John yelled, "The water's getting too shallow. If our motor hits bottom, we're screwed. Jump now!"

"RUT RO!" Julian cried, using his Scooby Doo voice. "What about my Scooby snacks? No doobie can be left behind!"

Heated discussion ensued regarding how to get my water resistant friends and all of their drugs and booze to Booby Island. Jack solved that problem too. He helped Julian wrap his joints in cigarette cellophane, somewhat protecting the illegal stash.

"Keep this package above water," he said soothingly.

"My hero." Julian wrapped his arms around Jack in a hug and blatantly attempted to cop a feel. "David Beckham looks mixed with McGuiver-like skills? Oh yeah, come to papa."

"Get the fuck off! The boat's 'bout to hit bottom," Matt John bellowed, coming up behind Lulu and me and pushing us unceremoniously into the water.

Cold water enveloped my body and shocked laughter filled my lungs. Who does that? I swam up to the surface for air.

Having somehow escaped Jewls's groping, Jack jumped into the lake with the ice chest still over his head. He swam strongly my way.

Harriett jumped next. Julian crept slowly down the boats latter, easing his body into the chilly waters his package of doobies gripped tightly in his mouth. His two front teeth hung over the top of his lips, giving him the appearance of a bald beaver as he doggy paddled our way.

"You'll come find us when you get back to the island, right Matt John?" Harriett called from the choppy waters.

"Yeah, we won't forget y'all or nothing, no worries. Meet me at the dock at five o'clock." He burped and then sped away, lake-tramp giggling from his lap.

The waves from the departing boat bounced us roughly in its wake and Julian fought valiantly to keep his joint sack above the water.

No choice but to swim we paddled our way toward the sounds of music and laughter spilling from the party in the distance. Breathless and weak we finally reached the dirty brown beach, our first up-close encounter with the natives of Booby Island.

This was one of my favorite chapters to write so far. If you agree, please vote!

Also, I am taking part in the Brigade Watty Awards, and I'll be in love with you forever for voting for Fag Hag in the contest. It is chapter 83 and here is the link:

http://my.w.tt/UiNb/io0KGX0lkv

Thank you so very much!!