"His maid?  You told Kate Oliver, Jaime's fiancée, that I'm his maid!"  I say, ready to murder Julian.  

"Teehee," he says. "It was your outfit that sold it, darling.'"

It's the night before Jaime Knox's wedding.  Lulu, Harriett, Julian, and I are smooshed into a corner booth at the Shutter's Beach Bar, trying our best to go unnoticed.  Covert action's not our best skill.  Julian, wearing his oversized Dior sunglasses, props menus around our table's edge creating a small fort for our group. 

"Julian, stay the hell away from Kate, okay?" I beg him, frightened of what would become of another encounter between Jaime's blushing bride and Jewls. 

He didn't listen, instead excusing himself to the restroom with a curtsy, saying, "Julian needs to make tinkle." 

I look desperately at my remaining two friends. "Okay y'all, we need to focus. What exactly is our plan?" 

"You have to find Jaime and tell him the truth, Annie.  Even scumbags like Jaime deserve to know what you have to tell him.  Do it before the wedding, before it's too late.  No regrets!" Lulu confirms my fears. 

"Speaking of the truth, Annie," Harriett starts, looking down at her lap. 

She's interrupted by Jewls who returns to our table proudly displaying a prominent hard-on beneath his tight, grey, dress pants.  He rubs his conspicuous crotch, smiling like a winner. 

"Julian," Harriett gasps. "What are you doing?  Put that away!"  

"I brought out my peter-reader," he says, busting with pride. "I'm going on a gay hunt and I need artillery." 

"What?" I yell, unable to avoid staring at the bulge in his pants. 

"I'm doing you a favor, Annie.  I'll put my peter-reader up on Jaime Knox and settle this gay question, once and for all!"   

"Nooooooo," I say desperately, as he swirls to run away.  "Julian come back here. Please don't do this!"

My friends and I watch in horror as Julian stops short in his escape, eyeballing a handsome and unsuspecting stranger passing him by.  He leaps into action like a honey badger, ready to give a tutorial on how to use his peter-reader. 

We watch helpless, now grateful for the menu shields.  Julian nudges the man, gaining his attention and pointing down to his swollen pants.  Before his victim can respond, Julian moves in.  Pelvis first, hands on his hips, walking like a well-hung cowboy.  Just before the delinquent erection smacks the terrified stranger's leg, the man regains his functioning.  He shoves Julian back aggressively yelling, "What the fuck, man!" 

As his victim runs away Julian looks to our table and shouts across the bar. "See, my peter-reader works!  That one's not gay."

Do you love Jewls? Hate him? Either way...you've read this far so pullllease vote :)

Also, I am taking part in the Brigade Watty Awards, and I'll be in love with you forever for voting for Fag Hag in the contest. It is chapter 83 and here is the link:

http://my.w.tt/UiNb/io0KGX0lkv

Thank you so very much!!