[Chapter 31]

“How are you? Oh my gosh, are you alright? You’ve got eye bags! You need to sleep, like, right now!” Dru screamed the moment she met me, which was pretty funny.

“Look at her, seriously, Dru. She’s been like this for the past few days; you can’t be forcing her to have a nightmare all over again.” Xavier reminded her quickly, giving me a nod of acknowledgement of my appearance at the cafeteria table where our little gang usually shared.

“How was the meeting?” Sarah asked with a concerned tone, looking up from her food.

“Probably boring as always. Unless someone killed himself or herself with the boredom, please don’t tell me about it.” Logan complained, not even bothering to look up.

“No one killed themselves, Logan. But the vampires DID make things interesting.”I replied, taking a seat beside Dru, resting the tray on the table.

“Oh yeah, the vampires came today! I must have missed them! Why didn’t you tell me?” Dru interrupted.

“Even if I did, what would you do?”

“I don’t know, maybe go up to the vampire king and demand why his sons are so whacked?”

Logan raised a thumb up at the acidic sarcasm in Dru’s tone. Of course, my friend had taken an immediate hatred to Kenton and Treyon for everything that they had done to me. I had tried my best to make it clear that I no longer hated them, but Dru just didn’t understand the ways that the two vampire princes had actually helped me.

“They were here, Dru. I’ve seen how much they have changed. They apologized to me, to us all formally today. I have forgiven them already, so can you just let it go?” I sighed as I popped a piece of baked potato in my mouth.

“How can I?” Dru looked at me, horrified. “They tortured you!”

“And they helped me in return.” I was knew the argument that was about to boil up again, and sighed. Dru and I had been through this many times over, and had usually ended us up in argument.

“Okay, okay! Stop arguing, for once. Dru, just accept Ashe’s decision, alright? She’s the Faen’s Child now; she knows what is best for her.” Logan interrupted with an exasperated yell, taking the attention.

The silence that followed was awkward and long, in which Sarah stared at her boyfriend for his sudden bout of maturity, and Dru stared at him, deciding to shout at him instead, or actually take his words into consideration.

“Logan’s right. I’m sorry, Ashe. It’s your decision, not mine. I can’t do anything anyway.” Dru finally conceded, and I could only beam at Logan, who pretended as if he had done nothing.

It was the first time that I had seen Logan do something good; something that didn’t end up with him in trouble.

We continued the meal in hearty conversation, and moved it to the Sanctuary, where we practiced our elements with each other. Having mastered greatly in my elements since the awakening of my new magick, I taught Logan of the many tricks with the element of fire, praying –though –that he wouldn’t use my tricks to cause more troubles.

Then, since my friends begged for it, I called on to the spirits for a quick show of my abilities. I had learnt –after having taken lessons with Grandma Elvie and my Guardians about the element of spirit –that I needed to establish a stable spirit connection by electing my spirit servant. For example, Zane’s official spirit servant was his mother’s spirit, while Noel’s spirit servant was his childhood friend who died of cancer long ago. At the moment, I had none, but I was urged to forge a connection as quickly as possible.

But that was beside the point. Of course my friends were awed and cross eyes at the presence of spirits. They were pretty shocked when they realized that Noel was actually a constellation Faen too –which showed exactly how perfectly Noel had hidden his second element.

Soon, it was time for us to turn in. We went back to our rooms, preparing for bed. We said goodnight to each other, and the lights turned off.

But I couldn’t sleep.

Nothing I could do could make me fall asleep. I stared at the back of a snoring Dru, unable to fall into the Dreamland that I longed to belong in. I stared at the walls, the shadows making painful pictures on the wall, reminding me of the horror, the fear, and the pain. The darkness threatened to chew me in, and I felt the helplessness begin to eat me again.

I did the one thing I could do. I did the one thing I had been doing for the past few weeks since that incident.

I got up, out of bed, changed out of my sleep clothes, and ran out. Out of the stuffy buildings of the school, I ran. I ran to the field, taking in the night’s air. I ran to the bench at the edge of the field, just before the woods, and sat there. There, I cried out the frustration and irritation at myself.

It was the plain, mindless and boundless feeling of desperation and helplessness that squeezed me dry every night, and yet, it wouldn’t leave me. Being all alone, it reminded me of the extreme pain that had flowed through every inch of my body. It reminded me of the entire heartbreak when I saw Zane fall lifelessly to the floor. It reminded me of the horrifying pictures in my nightmares, of seeing Raun, my family, Grandma Elvie, my friends and my Guardians dead in the same fashion.

I cried until my eyes were dry. Then I stared at my hands, trying to fall to sleep. I was exhausted, but I just didn’t manage to go to sleep. If I was lucky, I would get a wink before I returned back to reality with images of a dead Raun, or maybe a dead Noel.

I looked up when footsteps made towards me.

“Why can’t you tell us about your suffering, Ashe? We are your friends, your Guardians. I am your boyfriend, Ashe. How can I ever leave you alone like this?” Noel asked quietly in the night, making towards me slowly from the field.

“Noel… I…” I wiped the tears off my cheeks quickly, even though it was obvious what I had been doing before this. All the while, I had put on a brave front in front of my friends, trying to assure them that I was doing alright.

“No, Ashe. This is taking too big a toll on you. You need help.” He said firmly, stopping a few steps away from me.

“B-But I…”

“Am I your boyfriend, Ashe?” Noel cut me off; a sudden serious tone in his voice.

I stood up, not understand what he was trying to do. Noel had never been so serious; at least not around me.

“Yes, Noel, why are you-”

“Do you love me?” He interrupted me again; something he had never done to me before.

“Yes, what are you trying to get at?”

“Just answer me, Ashe. When you look at Zane, do you think of anything else?”

“He is just my friend and my Guardian. Why?”

Noel shook his head. “Admit yourself, Ashe. We are alone here. I saw everything. The pain, the loss. The LOVE. When he died. A piece of you died with him.”

“But that’s because he was-”

“Stop making excuses for yourself, Ashe. You keep trying to deny him. I know you love me. I love you too. But you are killing yourself, and I won’t let you do this.”

I felt something begin to spiral down within me. I tried to take a step closer to Noel, feeling suddenly very cold, and wanting a piece of the warmth Noel had always given me.

“Noel… what are you talking about?” I whispered, unable to believe what I thought was to come.

“Admit yourself to me, Ashe. I know about the kiss you and Zane shared. I know about the times you two spent together. I know about the moments you two shared. The eyes you make when you think of him. The desire for him, inhibited by your duty to me.” Noel demanded fiercely, something I knew he would never do to me. Noel had always been the gentle, giving boyfriend. Was this the reason why? Because he was tired of giving?

“But, Noel, I-”

“Tell me. Do you love Zane?”

“Please, Noel, don’t make me do this…” I tried to beg, but he shook his head adamantly, clenching his fist.

“I have to know. As your Guardian, I have to know.”

He said ‘as your Guardian.’ He didn’t say ‘as your boyfriend’. As my Guardian…

“Are you trying to break up with me, Noel?” I asked weakly, unable to believe this.

“Tell me, Ashe. Do you love Zane?” He asked again, not backing down. His fists were clenched, as if he were forcing more angered words down. Did my split heart made him furious? Was it my fault that I had two Guardians? Was it my fault that Zane was attractive as a man too?

Yes, it was my fault to declare Noel my boyfriend while Zane was still around. But both of them were my Guardians. What could I do? Keep my status quo? I loved Noel; there was no question in that. But Zane…

“I will not share a girl, Ashe. You may not like it, but I want my girl to myself. So answer me. Do you love Zane?” Noel demanded fiercely.

“Noel, I love you…” I took another step forwards, but he took one step backwards, keeping the same distance between us.

That simple movement broke me. Noel had never taken a step back. Noel had always been the one stepping forward, helping me, and protecting me, caring for me. Noel had always been beside me, through thick and thin. Noel had been the one, stepping forward, saving me from the explosion at the start of my school term.

Noel was… taking a step back now.

“Answer me, Ashe. Do you, or do you not, love Zane?” The look in Noel’s eyes was furious. A fire burnt in his eyes, even though his element was of the water. The determination to wrench the information out of him… it wore me down and broke me entirely.

How could I do this to him? Noel deserved a girl better than me. Noel deserved a girl who loved him wholeheartedly, who could dedicate her time to him. I couldn’t, for I was merely a girl who couldn’t even arrange her priorities right. I couldn’t even decide who it was that I liked or loved. I couldn’t even bring my life back to stability, and here I was, expecting Noel to stand beside me like a strong pole in the wind. But even the strongest pole had to be uprooted in the strongest of winds.

The realization that I did not deserve Noel beat into me. My shoulders slumped, and my eyes fell away from his mesmerizing blue ones. In those eyes, I hoped he would see and set his target on someone better than me. Maybe someone who loved him even more than I did.

“Yes, Noel. Yes, I love Zane. I didn’t know it, but spending time with him, I began to like him. When Kaz told me about his feelings for me, I tried to push it away. You were my boyfriend. I couldn’t afford to love Zane and betray you. But I’m betraying you by loving Zane secretly. I’m sorry.” Finally, for once, the words tumbled from my lips.

I loved Zane. I knew it long ago. But I had always thought it was just stupid infatuation. I thought it was just pity for his broken family. I thought it was everything else. I refused to believe that I loved Zane. But when he died, it was like I had lost a part of me entirely. It was like I had to die without him.

I loved Noel too. I loved Noel’s warmth, and everything he gave me. I loved Noel for who he was, and I loved the feeling he gave me. But it had always been him giving. He had always been giving, and not complaining. I had always been taking, receiving.

“I love you, Ashe. I have no doubts you love me too. But you need to know who you love more. I won’t let you choose me because you never had a chance with Zane. I will never let you regret your decision –regardless of who you choose. But I need you to set your priorities right, Ashe. You need someone you love to stand by you in this hardest part of your life. You need someone that can heal those scars of yours, someone who can stop those nightmares you’ve been having. You need someone by your side, someone who can help you sleep better. That someone is not me.” Noel took another step backwards, increasing the distance between us.

His fists clenched tighter and something flashed past his eyes. Pain. Regret. Sorrow. Determination.

He took a deep breath and let out an explosive sigh.

“It is over, Ashe.”

As the four words broke my heart into a million pieces, he turned and ran.

He left me, alone in the coldness. He left me, silently, cruelly.

The taps turned on, and this time, they took a long time before they stopped.

No matter all that was said, I still loved Noel.

But I loved Zane too.

What could I do? I could not deny myself anymore.

I couldn’t deny anything. Zane was one part of my heart. Noel was the other.

Lying on the bench, wiping the remnants of the tears on my face, I fell into teary sleep.

I had another nightmare. This time, it wasn’t of anyone dying.

This time, it was the nightmare of everything Noel said to me.

It haunted me.

It killed me.

*******************

He ran away from the field, holding on tightly to his crumbling heart. The words had taken weeks of preparation, and he was surprised at how painful four words had been for him. He had almost lost courage halfway through the entire thing, but he had it over and done with.

How could he do this to her? She was at her lowest point of life, and yet here he was, beating her down further.

But wasn’t that what he would do, to let her be stronger? The lower she got right now, the higher she would climb in the future.

The higher she would climb, the prouder he would be of her in the future.

He knew he would always love her, no matter who she chose. But there was no possible chance that he would ever let her love him while she desired another man. He understood that he had to give Zane a chance, but it was just too hard to let her go.

He had lied to her. He told her that he wanted his girlfriend all to himself. But all that Ashe had been had just been perfectly. Ashe loved him for his care, loved him for everything he gave her. Ashe loved him in her own way.

But he had beaten it back down to her. It hurt him twice fold, but Ashe didn’t know about it. No, because he had been lying.

Still, he had been done with it. He had broken up with her, much to the unwillingness of the both of them.

He slowed his run to a walk, and went into the woods, till he came to a clearing close to the edge of the forest, where he heard Ashe still quietly sobbing on the bench. It hurt him so much to know that he was the cause of her cries, but he had to harden his heart. Determination had gotten him so far, and it would carry him further down this road.

In the darkness of the trees, he stopped before a figure leaning against a tree. The figure had a bowed head, eyes staring at a spot on the floor, never wavering its gaze even as he approached.

“I hope you heard everything. You heard her. I’ve given you two a chance. Don’t you ever let me down, Zane. If I see you ever abusing her, or if I know you’re thinking about it, I will not hesitate to take her back. I love her; so it is best you remember that. And in this; mark my words; I will fight you for her. Treat her well.” He said.

The figure gave no reply, or no sign of acknowledgement of his words. Still, he turned around the way he came, and walked back to his room.

The figure waited till he was gone before sliding down to the floor.

The strange white hair glittered in the moonlight. He sat in the clearing, knees drawn up.

He threaded his fingers through his hair, bringing his fringe up.

He bowed his head, listening to the sobs gradually grew quieter.

“Thank you, Noel. I will never forget this. I will treat her well.” He whispered silently to no one when the sobs stopped entirely.

He waited in the darkness for another half hour till his fingers and toes were numb. Then he walked through the woods. He watched her, asleep with a frown written on her eyebrows. He leaned and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek.

He removed his jacket and covered over her gently, before picking her up in his arms.

She stirred, moaning his name, and Noel’s name.

He carried her back to her room and tucked her in.

There, she slept, with him watching over her in the chair at her study desk.

For the first time, she slept well.

Because he was watching over her.

Because he was the one Noel was talking about.

He was the one who helped her sleep better.

He was the one who helped her become Faen’s Child.