Yonderly

Trying to rub away the sleep from my eyes, I groaned. I was functioning on three hours of sleep, an assignment long overdue being the reason. I was thankful that there was no tuition classes today. The numerous remarks from people on how I look didn't help the case.

"You look like you are back from the dead," Zayba laughed during breakfast, earning a kick from Sanam from beneath the table.

"I suggest you to do the easy job of shutting up," I was cranky, "Otherwise the house will turn into a warzone."

"Girls!" Mama glared at us.

After that Nikhat commented when we were walking towards the bus stop, "You look like you will fall asleep any moment now."

While standing in the hallways of our university, Haniya said with concern, "Naura you should get some sleep, if not it will effect your health.

"I will grab a pillow for you as you seem like you'll fall aslesp while walking," Daniyal joked when we crossed paths during lunch.

In short, I was grumpy, sleepy and started zoning out the whole day.

Right now, I sat in the library, zoning out at the huge shelf in the corner far from me. I had originially planed to prepare some question papers for the students while I sat idly here and so I will be able to sleep early today. But I forgot to take the required materials and so I couldn't.

Will it be dramatic to scream in frustration?

"You really need some rest Nau," I mumbled to myself. I was about to lay my head down when someone cleared their throat from above me. I looked up at the muddled voice to discover a man, standing infront of the desk I occupied. Now, my eyes were fixated on him.

"I want to return these books that I borrowed a few weeks ago," He said, eyes downcast and in a polite tone. "And I wanted to take home another  one."

Have I seen him here before? He was clad in a white button-up shirt and black jeans. His hair and beard were trimmed and well groomed. His eyes seemed brown in colour, with a tinge of green that somehow made it look golden. With his gaze lowered, his long lashes were on display.

Why do boys have such long lashes? It's unfair.

He was tall, but because I was sitting, I couldn't tell how tall. His hair looked really thick and---

"Ahem," He cleared his throat again.

Oh no! What has gotten into you Naura? He knows you were checking him out.

But I was not checking him out right? It was just the lack of sleep making me zone out during very inappropriate moments.

I looked down, cheeks probably resembling tomatoes. I whisper an asthaghfirullah only audible for my ears.

I got up from the seat, silently praying that some miracle happened and he didn't notice my awkward state. I grabbed the books that he placed on my table, taking the register from near me, entering the details about the book. I peek a glance at him to somehow decipher if he was aware of my embarassment or not, only to find his face solemn, just like before. His gaze failed to meet mine as well.

After finishing the task and also planning to slam my head on the wall after he leaves, I hand over the book he had picked out.

He silently conveys, "Jazakallah khairan."

I reply to it, somehow caught off guard and he walks off without further glance. After his figure walked out of the library, I sit back in my chair, facepalming.

If awkward took a human form, it will look like you Naura, I scold myself. I was trying to forget the exchange and be alone with my thoughts again when an aged man entered, revealing that he wanted some book. The rest of the evening is spent that way, nothing unusual happening.

Resting my head on the back of the couch, I placed my aching legs on the coffee table that stood in the middle of the living room. Being thoroughly fatigued, I could only dream about sleeping. But I had to contain my inhibitions until I completed the question papers that should be given to the students tomorrow. A huge weight rested on my shoulders, making it slump in a defeated manner.

Mama entered the living door and takes her place beside me with worry spread on her face that I saw beneath my slightly parted lashes. "You should not overwork yourself like this Naura. Please get some rest."

Eventhough I was on the verge of a breakdown, I held myself back from disquieting her and put on a brave expression saying, "I am alright Mama."

My legs are retrieved from the coffee table, placing it on the cold floor. I stretch a bit before picking up the laptop for my work, while a pen and paper rested on my lap for doing necessary calculations. The whole time my mother assessed my actions eagerly.

"I don't want you to spent your young years handling the whole family's responsibilities," Her cracked voice said lowly. "You have so much of life ahead of you, but you are so worned out. I am sorry, our helpless situation brought you to this."

I peep at her, trying to muster a proper reply but she starts weeping. I move towards her in a second, wrapping my arms around her delicate shoulders.

"Maa it's okay. I know we'll be alright in the end. Please don't worry. Please," My own voice cracks at the end.

Mama recoiled her grasp on me and so I pull myself away. She wiped her tears, "I am sorry for breaking down like that. I should be more motivating and optimistic. Otherwise I might pull you down with me."

"Just so you know, I'll always be proud of you no matter what. Even if you give up tomorrow, I won't ever blame you. You are doing something that makes me so glad you were born as my daughter and I wouldn't want it to be in any other way. I am so proud of you."

"This right here is the biggest motivation I need," I said. "I promise to give my best in helping our family get out of this situation. And don't you ever think that you are burdening me. I am doing this because I want to. And with Allah's blessings I hope to bring whatever our family lacks now."

Mama ruffled my hair, "Take some rest," standing up, she instructs carefully. "Do your work. I have some chores to tend to."

I hummed in reply and went back to my work. I look at the various numbers and letters on the screen, yawning feebly.

I start rummaging through the text book I had and then created some questions based on the lessons.

"Naura, can I talk to you about something?" Zayba enters while I was in the middle of a confusing question.

If I get distracted now, then my brain would never be able to remember the solution, so I quiet her with a hiss. She groaned and left, stomping her feet on the way.

I shake my head at her and continue the question that should not be giving me such a hard time. Come on Naura, you know this so well. Then why can't you solve it?

After rummaging through the text for some more minutes and then rereading it several times, I found the mistake I was making, rolling my eyes at how stupid it was. I attempt the answer again, rectifying the mistake.

About 45 minutes go by, and I complete the question paper. I sigh in relief and got up to make copies of it from the printer in one of the rooms upstairs. Zayba uses the room for painting while Baba and I kept our books in there. Baba also had his work related things there. It was where our printer stood.

I entered the room to see Zayba in a corner, sat amongst many bottles of paint and other art materials, silently painting. I walk towards the printer and start setting it up to print out the question papers. Getting flashback to when she wanted to say something a few minutes ago, I decide to ask about it tomorrow, knowing my tiredness was getting the best of me.

My gaze was fixated on the printer, seeing it print out the papers. My subconscious reminds me of the conversation I had with my sisters long ago.

"Concentrate on your studies girls. Don't worry about other things. Exams are around the corner. Don't let anything get to you. And promise to me that if something happens or you need anything you will tell me." I had said that to them.

I shake my head as an inner voice prods me with various question. Is this how you are supposed to take care of them? What if she is in some trouble and wanted to ask you for help? You made her run away, now how will she confide in you? Couldn't you be nicer to her? Ask her what is was dammit!

I internally groan at my self-laothing. I muster up my barely there energy and turn towards Zayba and asked, "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Nothing," She said in a clipped tone while still concentrating on her painting, mixing some colours in her palette. "We can talk later."

"No, it seemed important. Come on, say it."

"No Naura," She growled, "You are tired. I understand." But her tone and expression failed to match her words.

"I am sorry for ignoring you. I was in the middle of a very hard question."

Zayba shrugs and says monotonously, "I said I understand."

My mind being in a bad place decided to ask one last time before giving up, starting to get mad at her.

I turn around, when the printing finished and assembled the papers. I exit from all the tabs in my laptop and finally shut it down. After I switched everything off, I placed the question papers in my file before checking if everything was kept right.

Trying my best to sound polite, I ask, "Will you tell me what it was?"

"Tomorrow," She sounded irritated.

Enough! I can't try anymore.

"Fine!" I talk back in the same tone. "Be that way."

With that I picked up my file and exit the room, aiming to reach my bedroom. I entered my room, with the plan of praying isha'a and then finally sleeping. Dinner didn't seem important today. I set down the file on my study table and then went to do wudu.

After praying, I roll the prayer mat and set it aside. I start braiding my annoyingly tangled hair and sit on my bed. While pinning it, a thought occurs to me. Realizing that if I don't jolt it now I'll forget it, I quickly go to my shelf and take out my journal.

I sit on my chair with a pen clutched in my hands and started writing.

Something I learned the hard way.

Nothing in this life is permanent. Eventhough I was mindful of this since the start, I came into complete terms with it only recently.

The happiness persists only for some minutes. The same way, I hope sadness does that too.

Our wealth, loved ones and beloved possessions will also leave one day.

And life won't wait for you to cope with it. It goes on no matter if you are in despairing or bravely climbing the steps to your dreams.

Baba once said to me, "You should never believe that sadness is permanent. Never let it stop you from pursuing happiness."

I think I must stop thinking about how happiness will also take it's leave and just focus on finally achieving it.

Allah doesn't burden a soul beyond that it can bear.

That means whatever has been decreed for me, I should face it with utmost hope and keep trusting that the mountain-like weight on my shoulders will eventually be lifted.

Make every downfall a chance to return to Allah. Increase the only thing that will stay permanent - good deeds.

Better days await you.

I finish writing with my messy handwriting and lean back in my chair. Letting those words out felt liberating. I rise from my chair and walk towards my bed, opening my phone that was on mattress to set an alarm. I open it to see countless messages from Nikhat.

Nikhat: Nau?!

I literally facepalm at how my phone has been on silent since the afternoon.

Nikhat: Nauraaa

Nikhat: Pick up the phone

Nikhat: Emergency. Please.

Nikhat: Haitham's sister has returned and is coming to meet me.

Nikhat: agshdjjddijdjdjd

Nikhat: NAURAAA

Nikhat: Ya Allah, you must be in the library right now. What am I supposed to do?!

Nikhat: Argghh! Let me try to handle it myself.

About an hour ago the last set of texts were sent.

Nikhat: Pick up your phone. Where are you?

Nikhat: They left.

Nikhat: And put me in the sourest mood.

Nikhat: Nau answer the phone. I really need to talk to somebody. I am losing it.

Nikhat: I feel really bad.

Nikhat: Never mind!

That was the end of those texts and I quickly dial her number, my heart about to jump out of my chest with anxiety. The ringing stops after a while. I call her for a second time, but she does not answer again.

Why did I fail to be there for her?! The guilt starts eating me.

I proceed to dial her mother's phone but refrain myself seeing it was way past her sleeping time. I call the house phone but it seems to be disconnected. Finally I try to call Nikhat again but in vain.

I sent her a text.

Naura: Very very very sorry for not picking the phone or not replying. I was genuinly busy and the phone was on silent. It's like I may fall asleep any second now. Sorry.

Naura: What happened? I am so worried. Please pick up the phone eventhough I should have done thay while you called.

Naura: that*

Naura: Tell me what's bothering you. How did the meeting go? How was his sister?

Naura: Really sorry again.

I wait for another five minutes to see if there were any response but to no avail. My reddish eyes and aching body was on the verge of giving out and so I proceed to sleep.

I am never really there for anyone, am I?

Yonderly: (adj.) Mentally or emotionally distant; absent-minded.

_______

Just when I decide to get into a routine of writing and updating, they announced my exams. But I can't afford to go on a break again.

So I will try my best to update but can't really promise a schedule.

Also hope you like this chapter.

Stay safe xx.