Komorebi

"So that's all for today. It's our first class so I am not taking much time of yours," I announced while shutting the book I held in my hand.

"The next class is tomorrow, right ma'am?" Eshal the only student who seemed to communicate with me, inquired.

"Yes," I smiled at her. "Do any of you have any other doubts?"

Again only Eshal replied faintly "No ma'am." The others shook their heads in agreement to Eshal.

"Okay. I am winding up the class. You guys can go now," I say and they gather their belongings, eager to leave. "Head straight to your school and don't hang around in the streets alright?"

In response the students hummed and nodded. I sound like my extremely strict ex-tuition teacher.

Today was my first class as the tuition teacher. Being a ball of nervousness before it, I was clearly unaware of what to expect. Now that it has concluded, I won't say it went that well. I had a bit of starting trouble, my hands were sweaty and I was worried whether the students would understand their lessons. Somehow this was more difficult that delivering a speech infront of the whole school during morning assembly.

I would rate my today's class as mediocre, bracing myself to make tomorrow's one better.

I adjusted my hijab and gathered my stuff. The class was arranged in our balcony, where there was enough space to accomodate the group and the classes won't be disturbed. Zayba lent me her painting easel and I adjusted a white board on it to write. A round table that used to be in Nikhat's house has been set up for the students till I get the money to afford proper bench and desks. An old study table that we found in our storeroom is my working table as of now. All these temporary arrangements should work for now.

I checked the time on my phone, while stepping in to the hallways and gasped seeing that I was late.

I quickly ran inside, carelessly closing the balcony door behind me.

Entering my room, I took out my Abaya from my cupboard and quickly put it on and wrapped a hijab on my head. I ran downstairs, careful not to trip. Hastily, I took my bag from the couch in the living room and ran to mama's room shouting, "I am leaving. Bye"

"Naura!" Mama yelled back. "How was the class?"

My hands were fumbling with my shoe laces as I tried to tie it quickly. "It was okay and I will spare the detail for evening. In sha Allah. Now bye, Salam!"

I quickly opened the front door and sprinted outside. I was halfway through the courtyard when mama's words from a few days back hit me.

"I often think about how Zayed left in haste. I couldn't say anything during his final leaving."

Should I go back and say a proper bye? Why was it that I felt this way? It made me so uneasy.

By the time Nikhat stepped in front of my house, I stood in the middle of the courtyard like a statue, a train of thoughts running through my messy mind.

"Teacher Ji!" Nikhat's yell broke me out of my trance. "Come on. We are going to be late."

Filling my lungs with a deep breath, I went towards her. We headed towards the bus stop as I filled her on about today's class. Talking to her was in someways therapeutic as my worries seemed to take a break during her presence.

As expected, the lack of sleep was starting to take a toll on me. Last night, I couldn't sleep properly because of apprehension. And because I am not used to being awake after Fajr, the task became more daunting. I couldn't help but dream about my cozy bed.

"Okay so I have to say something of great importance to you," Nikhat announced as we got down from the bus and walked towards the university gates.

"You had this whole time and you choose to tell me this very important matter now when our classes are about to begin?"

"What makes you think that I will be telling you now?"

"Then when? Do you want me to die of curiosity?"

"Wait until lunch impatient girl. I kinda like the suspense feeling. Don't bring any others for lunch, okay? Only the both of us."

"Why do you have to do this?!" I groan. "Any hint please?"

"No way! Let's wait until our lunch date."

I scoff, my mind trying to figure out all the possible things Nikhat has to say about. After a few more seconds of walking we enter our respective classes.

_____

I run my eyes through the pages of my planner one last time before shutting it close and keeping it near my bag. The tuition curriculum and my to-do-list were recorded in it. Not being an organised person meant that I would forget these and later have a breakdown over not being able to do things. So I found the way to avoid such situations and kept this planner.

I rub off the beads of sweat which lined my forehead, scanning my vision over the vast campus to try and catch glimpse of Nikhat who was supposed to be here now. She had texted me to wait here so that we could have lunch and talk.

For the sake of some shade, I sat under one of the giant trees. But that did almost no help as I was still sweating profusely. It did stop the broiling sun's light from hitting me directly. The humidity made my hair damp, strands peeking out of the black hijab I wore. My eyes that threatened to drop shut anytime in class seemed to stay gaping now.

How nice it would have been to get out of these clothes, put on my pyjamas and lay in bed, reading a book while the AC chilled my bones.

I quickly sent a text to Nikhat to hurry up, rolling my eyes at both her and the heat. Keeping my phone in my bag, again I checked for any signs of my best friend.

I focused my head upwards at the leaves that soar high up in the sky. The sunlight seems to peak their rays through the lush green triangular leaves as warm wind ruffled the branches vaguely. A few dead ones made the tree more pretty and misfit. The way it fought the sun to stop it's blaze from pestering me looked surreal. If I was an artist, I would paint these images to keep them with me forever. It wasn't something that extraordinary, but it gave my disordered mind a chance to sit in silence and analyse them without thinking of the uncertain life.

My daydreaming came to a stop when a couple of students sat under the same tree I had occupied. My gaze shifts towards their chatter and chortles. The air stops in my lungs for a second when I recognise the group of people as Daniyal Ahmed and his circle of friends.

It consisted of boys who were defined by almost everyone in the university permises as the troublemakers. They were talking loudly, some of them even smoking cigarettes.

Eventhough they were at a considerable distance, it looked inappropriate and I started being uncomfortable in their presence. Also I hated the smell of cigarettes.

Quickly grabbing my bag and hanging it on my shoulders, I got up and walk away in the opposite direction. Nikhat was still missing. Wanting to get far away from the group, I picked up my pace, growling inwardly at Nikhat. Hunger, sleeplessness and the weather were getting to my head.

My pace halted when someone yelled my name from behind. I stood there, frozen, not knowing whether to walk away or look in the direction of the masculine voice.

My muddled mind untied the knot of confusion in my brain when the voice again yelled, "NAURA WAIT!"

I slowly tilted my head towards him and my query was proved right. It was Daniyal. He was almost sprinting towards me with something that looked like a book from this distance, securely in his hands.

"Hey! Salam," He said when he was about five feet away from me. "You forgot this."

He lifted his hands to give me a better look at the object that turned out to be my journal. My eyebrows that were furrowed in confusion, squinted as embarassment washed through me.

I cleared my throat, carefully saying the next few words. "Wa Alaykumassalam and Jazakallah Khairan for this."

"No worries," he smiled with his perfect set of teeth and deep dimples.

I lowered my gaze, pinching my eyes shut for a second, taking the planner that held out for me to hold, silently praying that my hands didn't tremble due to nervousness.

I felt like he could see right through me whenever he was infront of me. It made me feel vulnerable in some way and wanted to run away as far as I could from him. I always managed to be awkward in his presence.

"And sorry if me and my friends disturbed your peaceful time over there. Tarun insisted we took that spot but I did try to argue because I saw you relaxing there. Sorry about that."

"You seem to be apologizing to me a lot lately," I smiled vaguely.

"Maybe I am really trying to prove the misconceptions you have about me wrong."

"What are you talking about?" I asked eventhough I kind of knew what he meant.

"I know it Naura. Along with almost half of the campus you would also have judged me as the notorious troublemaker. And my irritating treatment of you and Nikhat in the beginning would have only made the statements seem more true. I can't really blame anyone for any of that seeing as though I brought it upon myself. I always try to make people understand that I am much more than just the 'troublemaker' everyone seem to know me as, but in the end I mess it up each time. I really don't know how to fix it other than by apologising. And I promise, if I do try to mend things with someone I am really serious about it."

The air seemed to escape my lungs as I did not expect such honest and precise words in this conversation that started out simply. I felt terrible for being one of the people that made him feel bad.

"I..." I trailed off trying to find the right words so I could fix whatever was happening.

"Oh there you are!" Nikhat appeared out nowhere, almost tackling me. "And Daniyal? Should have guessed where Naura would be lost in her free time."

In that moment I didn't know whether to be relieved or crying at her presence.

"Ayee chipmunk," Daniyal masked the disappointment in his eyes with an easy grin.

"Lion mane head!" Nikhat exclaimed, matching his tone.

"I was just giving Naura her book back that she forgot to take. So bye for now. See you guys around and enjoy your lunch," He saluted and slightly waved before walking off with a huge smile.

"You too," Nikhat mischievously grinned. She quickly grabbed my hands, pulling me towards her as he walked back to his clique.

"What did I miss?" She asked like a very curious child as we walked side by side.

"Uh what?" I was confused.

"Did he finally confess his poorly hidden feelings for you?"

"What?!" I shrieked. "For the love of god, shut up. Your theories are getting out of hand."

"You should stop lying to yourself Naura. Just rewind all of Daniyal's interaction and then tell me what you think honestly."

I rolled my eyes denying her words, eventhough my mind was confused. "Will do that later. We are almost halfway through lunch periods because of your poor punctuality. Now tell me. What is the news?"

We stepped under another humongous tree and agreed to sit there. Nikhat took out of lunch box while I fished out the apple from my bag.

"Really Naura?"

"What?"

"An apple? How will you survive on that?"

"I'll be alright. I am not hungry," I justified with the truth.

"Stop starving yourself please. I know it isn't your intention and that your stomach isn't cooperating with you. Honestly, you have started to look like a pencil."

"I know that. It's just..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"I know it is very hard to talk about any of your feeling. But you do know that I'll listen to you wholeheartedly without any judgement right?"

I nodded my head, eyes not meeting hers as the sharp throbbing of my throat began.

"Yes I am aware. But can we not talk about this now please," I asked not ready to spoil this much anticipated afternoon with a sour mood.

"Sure. Just making sure that you know I'll be there for you," Nikhat said with a tight lipped smile. "Also we are sharing my lunch today."

I nodded and we started to eat and Nikhat talked, "So the thing is about Haitham's proposal," My eyes lit up upon hearing that sentence and I persuaded her to continue with a nod.

"I already said yes and yesterday his father called. And he said thaaaaat..." In a very dramatic Nikhat way she prolonged the sentence.

"That?" I asked very excited eventhough I had a feeling it was affirmative. But it's Nikhat, so you never know what to expect.

"He said that....."

"Come on! Bhol do," I glared at her warningly.

She arms brightly and opened her arms saying, almost shouting, "HE SAID YES."

I shreiked happily, jumping into her arms and hugging her chanting a string of congratulations.

"Barakallah feeki Ya Nikhat. May Allah bless this union with Khair and happiness," I said pulling away, grinning widely, happiness expanding my heart.

"Aameen," she beamed.

"I can't believe my best friend is getting married," I said pretending to wipe away tears of happiness.

"Even I can't. And to be honest it is more scary than exciting."

"I love you so much, eventhough I may not say or show it much. I'm forever grateful for having you in my life."

"Do you want me to cry my eyes out now?" She rolled her eyes with an adoring face. "And it took a man to enter my life for you to say these."

"Haitham is very charming actually. I think we would be best friends and throw you out of the picture," My happiness didn't seem to cease and for once I felt really good.

"I'll kill you both if you ditch me," We finished her lunch and stood up. She grabbed my elbows, yet again pulling me towards her.

I turned my body towards her as she voiced with genuine face, "May Allah keep us both happy like this always,"

"Aameen," I said my expression mirroring hers.

_____

"Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow," I end the phone call with Anne.

"So?" Mama asked, curious about how the phone call turned out to be.

"I'll start working tomorrow," I cheered, pure bliss settling in my heart.

"In sha Allah," Mama said affectionately. "What about the working hours?"

"So here is the plan. I'll wake up for Fajr and then study my lessons for uni. By 7 AM tuition classes will start. After that I'll go to college and from there straight to the library. The shift there will end by six."

"Even hearing this description I got tired," Zayba said while entering the dining room where me and mama sat. "How will Naura the sleepy head compromise her nap time?"

"Stop discouraging me," I waved her off. "And I will start sleeping early now on."

"Easier said than done," Zayba quipped, sitting on one of the chairs.

"Let's give it a shot," I grumbled.

"I can see you two getting into an argument. So please stop even before it starts," Mama interjected.

"We will not."

"Stop lying to your mother."

"I am not."

"Anyways," Mama started, "Naura beta, I am insanely proud of how hard you are trying to make this work out. Even while being deprived of motivation and excessively tired you are doing this for your family. I am so glad to have you as my daughter. May Allah make it easy for you and I am certain Baba will be extremely proud of you."

As always my eyes started to water. I was scared. Very scared that how a lazy person like me can handle any of these. In the back of my head a voice kept repeating that I will fail, because that is the Naura everyone saw.

Leaving the fears my behind, I entrusted myself to my creator. He will pave a path for me to succeed on when the time arrives.

I was about to reply when Sanam entered saying "A family discussion without me?"

Was this even a complete family?

"You were tapping away on your phone," Zayba quipped as always.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but I was busy making roti for you lazy people."

I chuckled at that. Sanam loved cooking and so often cooked for us while me and Zayba loathed the idea of even entering there. I would only give an occasional try in any amazing recipe that I accidently saw online.

"You look like you will fall asleep now," Sanam said to me.

"I am working," I said yawning for what felt like the millionth time that evening.

"Naura, you should get some sleep," Mama said.

"I am in the mood to talk. It's been ages since all the occupants of the house sat together to talk."

I looked at the unoccupied chair near Sanam. The last time we all sat together, Baba was sat there, joking with us.

I shook my head trying to concentrate on Zayba's stories about something that happened in school.

And that night we spent time together, after an eternity, laughing sometimes smiling at some fond memories and tearing up about someone's absence. All the while a pang of angst persisted in my chest.

_____

My heart was nothing

But a hollow mess that hurt.

I am not ready

To accept my future

To do it all for my family

As the absence of

Someone very dear

Drained me.

I would want nothing

But to feel free

And content

And maybe happy even.

I didn't trust myself

But I did trust the almighty

With my whole heart.

I didn't carry any hope.

But he did give me

Reasons to be hopeful.

So with a mind so shamble

I sat back

Stitching with timid hands

The holes in my heart

With hopes for ease

That my Rabb had promised

Not once but twice.

Komorebi: (n.) Sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees.

____

It is a relief to finally update this story. I have been holding back from writing for so long and I don't even have a proper excuse for that *groans*. Anyway sorry for the delay!

Jazakallah khairan for still continuing to read Fading Paths. I love you all!

I hope you all are staying safe and taking care of yourselves and your family during these hard times. May Allah make it easy for all of us. Let's all pray from deep inside of our hearts for everyone in distress right now.

P.s. I hope you liked this chapter.

Stay blessed and safe! Sending lot's of love <3