An idiot who forgets to save their work after writing and then rewrites it while being frustrated is the author of this story.

Toska

An undefined sentiment started creeping into my heart. I was not precise on how to feel. The first time in a week I was close to the minutest of tranquility.

Close, not acquired.

As I watched baby Taalia sleeping soundly with her head snuggled onto the crook of my neck, I couldn't help but hug her closer to me; strongly yet softly, trying not to break her deep slumber. Her lips were parted, exhaling soft pants. The tiny figure was in peace right now.

But what touched my heart was her baby fingers grasping my long index finger between them. The beautiful feeling was hard to explain, considering the storm that ran inside of me. While she kept on holding onto my finger I couldn't help but feel dampness around my eyes.

Now were these the same tears of suffering that rolled down almost every moment? I felt numb. Sometimes tears filled my eyes while sometimes I stared emotionless at the blank wall.

The past few days passed in misery. The sorrow never ceased. The void of someone special existed. Numerous Duas, Dhikrs and prayers were what I could do . A constant eerie silence existed. The lack of presence of a certain person was always felt. The four of us spent our time with no smiles or talks like before. Everybody seemed to be keeping to themselves.

And visitors. There were always visitors. Baba's parents and brother's family stayed at the house to help with the initial days of adjustment and to serve guests.

I didn't think of the future, the memories in the past holding me back. The support pillar of our family was gone. Now what? I didn't ponder over the question petrified me whenever given thought.

From now on who will heed to my worries? Who will give me wise advices? Who will encourage me when I am feeling low? Who will console me on the worst of days? Who will surprise me? Make me laugh? Teach me things? Protect me from every small wound to big heartaches?

My scarring thoughts desisted when taalia released my finger and turned around, sluggishly adjusting onto her other side. Babies, how innocent are they? The tarnishing problems of the world weren't their concern. They possessed a dynamic mind and an innocent heart.

I held Taalia closer to me, a feeling to protect her from the worldly evil increased in my heart. Please don't grow up, I would always pout and tell her when we play. In return she would smile displaying her two teeths not understanding the depth of my words.

Taalia was my uncle Amjad's grand daughter. That makes her father my cousin.

After a few minutes in which I lay with my heart aching, Zayba enters my room. In hushed tone she informs that Dadi is calling me.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I secure Taalia into the bed before grabbing my dupatta and wrapping it around me, covering most of my messy hair. Must be some chore or guests. I descended the stairs and then timidly walked towards the dining room, where I could hear Dadi speaking. Standing at the entrance, I am met with the sight of Dadi sitting on one of the chairs while Latifa Chachi is pouring tea into some cups.

"What happened?" My question is laced with curiousity.

"Naura beta sit here," Dadi calmly says patting on the chair beside her. I walk towards the chair while Latifa Chachi smiles at me.

"Is every thing all right?" As the habit is, I am nervous.

Chachi hands me and Dadi tea, settling down on the chair infront of me with her own cup. She was a lovely and tender person around my mother's age. She had a motherly aura and sometimes me and my sisters joked about how unfortunate she is to end up with Amjad Chachu. To simply word it, he was the typical orthodox desi uncle. He was the exact opposite to Chachi but that is a different story for a different day.

"What is it?" I grew anxious with each passing second.

"Beta, maybe this is not the accurate time to discuss what we are going to, but you have to understand something. With the sudden turn of events, many things will be different for you."

I am aware of that Dadi. Please get straight to the point. My agitated mind thought.

"Your parents are blessed with three daughters Ma sha Allah and it's their duty to marry all of you off. In your father's absence, your grandfather and uncle should take the responsibility now. You do realize without a guardian, money will be problematic from now on, right?"

I knew the direction in which this conversation was headed and wanted it to stop now.

"And both of them are ready to undertake the responsbility and Amjad is under the impression that after your mother's Iddah we should be looking for proposals."

I started fuming internally. Amjad Chachu started planning my marriage barely a week after Baba is gone. He was always against women thriving in any way. He opposed me going to college and my dream of having a job, earning some money and then supporting my parents.

"And we know you. We also know how establishing a job and being successful is your priority and that you will object to this matter. But beta you still can work and continue your studies after marriage. At first it will be difficult but you can adjust with time. In sha Allah if you get a supportive husband then it's all good. Your uncle has given us the task to make you realize all of the things awaiting you."

If you guys know my priorities then why are you looking for alternate options? There were a number of things in Dadi's conversation that I wanted to oppose. It was really hard to stay polite right now.

I've never been one of those people who talked back and put their point across. Eventhough my heart desired to do so, my mind would stop and compel me to stay polite. The number of times I wanted to talk back to people and couldn't do is uncountable.

But that doesn't mean I always take their nonsense. Episodes of me hitting back do exist, moderately.

I threw in a quick question "What do Dadaji and Mama have to say about this?" Just like Baba, Dada was always supportive.

"Dada insists that whatever you wish would be the action and well your Mama, we thought we'll get to her after we hear your decision."

Dada's response reminded me of my father.

My baba....It hurt to think of him and his benevolence.

"Moreover Amjad is under the impression that if you get married your husband can look after your family. In the coming days money will be a problem considering education, marriage and daily expenses these days."

Really now?! I was unsure on how to react. I wanted to jump in to object all of this but now emotionally drained and visibly shaken I couldn't say anything.

With a deep breath I started "What does that mean? Are you looking into proposals so that we could have a financial assistance? I oppose that thorougly," I paused to avoid sounding rough "Instead of waiting for a guy to help me, why don't I find a job and look after my family until everything calmed down." Can I talk more without being rude?

"Please don't give any answer in haste," Chachi spoke for the first time "Think about it thoroughly and figure out your future, your family's future. I hate to say this but you don't know the society these days. Girls are rejected for simplest of reasons. It would be hard after a certain age to find the right person. And sadly financial status matter to most families these days."

"Also remember we'll be supportive no matter what. You clearly know some people may favour a certain decision," Dadi added and I knew who she hinted at "and something Amjad wants you to remember is that there is two of your sisters, next in line."

This was it. Amjad Chachu should take a break.

"Two sisters next in line? I dont know how to say this Dadi, but Zayba and Sanam are not in any hurry to get married. Their turn will come years after mine. And please remember I am only 20. So their marriage should not be talked as of now as well as mine. I can't get married just because people are in hurry to marry off my sisters and find us a financial help," I let out elonged breaths, deciding not to further continue this topic because a headache come along if I argued.

"It's barely been a week and you guys..." I cried out and then abruptly decided not ponder over this anymore.

"I will think about it and let you know," I faked a polite expression and stood up saying "but I have a feeling it won't be according to Chachu's wishes," Without a second glance I turned and left the room. I climbed the stairs and reached my room as quickly as possible.

Closing the door of my room, I let out a sigh. I took deep breaths to stop myself from falling apart. I sat beside Taalia's sleeping figure, slowly placing my hand on hers.

"Give me a break," I groaned almost silently, closing my eyes as flashbacks of the earlier conversations hit.

I was fuming. How did they even think of marriage? The family has still not processed the events and they.

Baba would be so mad if he discovered that they upset me.

And with that thought, tears returned to my eyes.

That night I contemplated on whether to take my journal and pour out my pent up feelings. I had thought of it the whole week but couldn't write eventhough my mind was overflowing with emotions and musings. I felt weary and hopeless all the time. I didn't want to write because taking it out would be a painful reminder. Bottling up the feeling inside seemed a better option at the moment.

A look at Taalia again, I sighed and laid beside her, hugging her close. Then I did the most these day; overthinking.

______

The next day I returned to university. Studies were definitely at the back of my mind. But the lack of attendance would lead to issues so I decided to attend the day.

But honestly, I wanted nothing more than to rest under the covers in my bed where the world didn't disturb me while I'm in the company of my wounding thoughts. From morning onwards everyone gave me glances of sympathy and I was necessitated to hang my head low. I wanted to cry out in frustration because I regretted stepping out of my house.

During my second hour of the day, I entered the cafeteria. Last night's episode and persistent weeping that led to the lack of sleep resulted in a hammering headache. I couldn't bare to sit in this hour of class. My absence of mind in class would drive the professor's scrutinizing stare to me.

So I was ditching this hour and reached the cafeteria to have coffee. Skipping breakfast today escalated the throbbing in my head.

The smell of coffee and maggi, students' favourite, wafted through the cafeteria. I brought myself a coffee and decided to go to the library where I could sit in peace without any clatter. And being between books may bring serenity to my mind.

I trudged towards the library with the steaming coffee in one hand and trying to secure my hijab that somehow came loose in the other hand. I set foot in the library, sitting down on an empty chair away from anyone else.

Reluctantly I took a copy of A thousand splendid suns in my hands but the mood to read was absent. I blew the coffee and sipped it and then gradually the sensation to vomit intensified. My breakfast that comprised of two glass of water was floating in my stomach. How will I survive the rest of day without fainting?

The coffee tasted bitter to my tongue and I propped my head on the table infront of me, keeping the book and coffee away. I closed my eyes trying to bring relief. And just like that the world of sleep welcomed me.

Someone was incessantly poking on my hands, waking me from my deep slumber. I tried to decipher what was going on as I was woken up by someone, who I figured out to be Ms. Shetty the librarian. In my sleepiness I checked the time to find out that I was asleep for about ten minutes.

"This is a place to read, not sleep around!" Ms. Shetty rudely spoke. Not a warm greeting?

"Ms. Shetty, I was--"

"No! Don't utter any excuses. What do you students think library is for? Holding a book in your hands and pretending to read or your bed to sleep? You should stay at home if you want to laze around," the woman was definitely adempt on increasing my headache.

"I am sorry. But I didn't meant to fall asleep. You see---"

"I've heard this excuse more times than I can count," I was rudely interrupted again "I am so tired of you students deregading books and thinking that library is a place to have fun."

"But I was about to read," I justified.

"In your sleep, right? I don't know what your deal is but get out of here if you are not reading. You students are always--

"Ms. Shetty the silence please sign here should also be observed by the teachers," My head turned to the owner of the voice and the sight shocked me "you have been yelling at the girl for the past two minutes."

Daniyal Ahmed was the one speaking and I stood there with my jaw open, appalled. He smirked at me, turning towards Ms. Shetty who almost held the same expression as me.

"So please try to pipe yourself down. You are scolding someone for no reason at all," Did he realize he was rebuking a teacher?

"Stay out of this Daniyal," Ms. Shetty looked flushed "she shouldn't have fallen asleep in here. I don't allow that. Library is for reading."

"Come on, stop pretending that students actually come to this library for reading. And it's not like you spent all your time reading in here. You sit in that seat of yours and judge everyone that walks in your line of vision.

Where did he get the confidence and words to pull that off? I was still bewildered. Then again, Daniyal was famous for talking back to teachers and making them utterly speechless.

"Is it my fault she was lazing around here?" Ms. Shetty used the last arguement every teacher used.

"Did I blame you?" Daniyal quipped back.

I really wanted to give this guy a standing ovation now. He was a genius with words.

"She was only sleeping. You are acting as if she was dancing on the tables," he added.

Ms. Shetty was dumbstruck. Her jaw dropped but she quickly recovered herself. To avoid futher embarrassment, she quickly went away with the excuse of some work.

Wow! That was something.

Never had I anticipated to be in such a situation and now, I should thank Daniyal who was not only the notorious troublemaker but also a genius with words who perhaps stood up for me today.

I looked at him and quickly lowered my gaze when I found that he was directly looking into my eyes.

"Well.... tha..at was something. Th..ank you for..umm..you know.. saving me from Ms. Shetty's wrath," What is wrong with you Naura? Have you forgotten how to talk?

"Took you the time to visit Mars and return to say a simple thank you. Don't mention and welcome back to earth," he joked and I chuckled in embarrassment . My clunky sneakers seemed interesting now.

Now what? Should I thank him again or just leave? Awkward would be and understatement.

I was contemplating my next move when he beat me to it "I heard about the news. I am so sorry."

It was the reminder of the heart ache that had stopped piercing my heart for the past few minutes. I couldn't reply and simply smiled at him tight-lipped and scurried out of the library.

I blocked my thoughts for a while and found that I still had about ten minutes for the next class. Sighing, I strolled outside the campus and sat under the seat like setting that was built under the huge trees.

Now, I was alone with my thoughts. My mind travelled to the conversation that just happened. Daniyal was way different I thought him to be.

Yes, he had a reputation of being the troublemaker but he also have a good side to him. He stood up for me today and also politely asked about the incident. That seemed to be done with good intentions. In fact I might have looked rude, walking out of there abruptly. But what the feeling was choking and it all appeared to be suffocating

Don't judge a book by it's cover. We all say and pretend to follow. But even unintentionally we have a picture set of people's personality in our minds. We should think many times before reaching a conclusion and stop stereotyping. Even I thought of Daniyal as scandalous because of his reputation despite Keerthi's arguement of him being nice.

Everyone consists of good and bad. And we should think thoroughly before choosing to side with their bad side. We should discover their good side before making any assumptions.

I recall Baba's words "We should let the good in us outshine the bad. Not for people's attention but for self-satisfaction. And we should never settle if a person is good or bad. They may have battles we aren't aware they are fighting. Their actions would have reasoning that we fail to recognize."

With that I am reminded of the conversation last night. I already had the decision set in my mind. But the anxiety that I might regret it is overbearing. Amjad Chachu will be pissed and many troubles will unfold.

But my mind couldn't choose the alternative option no matter how much I convinced myself

What does the future hold for me?

Toska: (n.) A dull ache of the soul, a sick pining, a spiritual anguish.

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Hope you guys like the chapter xx.