when your gaze fell on me.
instantly, i looked away.
the months pass us by.
and none of us stayed.

the laughs we once shared.
now broken into two.
memories carved inside me.
and i hope it hurts you.

✉✉✉

Fate is crazy, right? It finds somebody to get into your skin and once you try to scratch the areas they burn the most, it hurts you instead. I might be the one to say that this is one of the most frustrating events my life had thrown at me. I had woken up one day realizing that you had qualities I was looking for in a person. What I didn't realize is that you were never the one for cheesy romantic shit.

No, we were savages. We liked living life the way we always did—staying in our business and letting people in when necessary and keeping them out when needed. We were oddly similar and different at the same time and it frightened me because the more time I spent with you, I start to pick up on every little thing you do.

It starts with the jokes or the way you handle yourself in public. And then, it continues with the talking and the sharing of things we weren't sure if we talked to other people about. And it narrows down to the small hanging out sessions that turn into spontaneous going to a certain place we would get our coffee from because why not?

And it ends in two ways: 1. You either stay friends forever and nothing ever changes from whatever you had, or 2. You catch feelings for the other and completely risk sabotaging the whole thing. I never really chose the latter but that's what happened.

You started to see right through me and it sucked big time. It sucks that I had to endure months of you painstakingly ignoring me because I had feelings for you. You knew because our friends started teasing me a lot and I would react negatively towards it—and that's only because I wanted to protect whatever it is that we had. I wanted our friendship to stay the way it was.

The problem is, you never really confirmed it from me, you never confronted me about it.

And as much as I would not try to deny it. I would never really want to be in a relationship with you. And sure, take this as some sort of confession or what not but what I'll be saying here—sadly—will never reach your end of the line.

It's like trying to watch pictures of the last months I was truly happy with somebody else's company—and then, deleting them forever, leaving them in the trash, waiting for that 15 days to pass by and it would wash away forever.

The thing is, I don't want it to... I keep going back to that trash and keep recovering those pictures because I always ask myself "what if they decide to change their minds and would want to hang out with you again?"

I keep backtracking my process of moving forward in hopes that you had followed me to the oblivion of our friendship. I keep looking back to see if you were following me, only to see you 10 steps behind me—and going 10 more steps farther from me.

For months, I hoped that something would hit your head and you would come up to me and ask me what the fuck happened to us? I wanted you to try and make the first move because whenever I do that, I always feel like I'm pushing myself with you.

But the more time that had passed, the more my heart shatters and hardens. Time passes and I keep pushing people away—fearing that this might happen again. Trusting someone has never been such a tedious task and yet, you make it seem so dangerous.

And after all this time, I thought you knew me. I thought you would think like me. I thought that you would put yourself in my shoes and accept the fact that a friend did harbor feelings for you.

But no.

You decided to break your friends' heart. You decided to shove her away from your world just because she was the one who didn't know you well. But damn, you were wrong. She knew you too well. She knew that if you were to find out, this would have happened—that's why she kept quiet.

She knew that if you were to know about what she felt, it would hurt her more than it would hurt you. She knew that she would risk losing what you had—risk losing your friendship. She knew that you are in love with another person and she supports that because she only wants for you to finally be happy; to finally see that the world can be kind.

Fuck, I knew that all along. I always fucking did. But you chose to break me and what we had.

And I'm sorry if that changed me.

But if you ever asked me, I would still tell you the same fucking thing I keep repeating in my head if you come back:

"Yes, I do like you. I did. And I would always choose our friendship over my feelings." And I would look at you dead straight in the eye. "But right now, after what happened to both of us, I don't know if I can still choose both."

And maybe I don't really need to. Maybe there is no point in choosing. Because people were right when they told me that when things break, they would never return to their original state. But even if they are broken, they are used to create something new—something extraordinary.

And hopefully, that's us.

Maybe we need to break now.
And sooner or later, we can rebuild it into something new
—something extraordinary.