i knew it was wrong.
breaking someones heart in two.
though it cant be helped.
what i'm feeling is not true.

i said goodbye when you said hello.
you arrived when i wanted to go.
no matter how they say opposites attract.
never will i ever love you back.

and that's the sad truth.

✉ ✉ ✉

Never would have I thought you'd come running to me when you've ignored me. We were part of the swimming team and we were close. Maybe just a little closer. We were the kind of close anyone could ever asked for but what made it so wrong? You were starting to fall for me and I could not take the responsibility.

  ✉ ✉ ✉ 

It all began when we had our summer swims. Of course, being the good swimmer I was, I always went to the summer training which was back in 2012. It was a week before my birthday and you asked me what I wanted. Of course, I said anything would be fine even if you didn't give me a gift but you insisted on giving me one. I told you that anything would be fine as long as it's useful.

Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything from you. When the day came, we went to train. After that, I was busy prepping up for it's my day anyways. You went near me and handed me a small plastic bag, it was a bit heavy and I could feel its soft texture from the outside. I could tell that it was a shirt and I was right. You gave me the shirt I wanted to have and I was happy and kinda thankful for that. You even had a small speech written for me and I could say it was a lot of effort.

Months passed by and you stopped talking to me. You blocked all our communication and probably ignored me in our swimming meets and training. I wanted to go near you but I'm too scared you might tell me to go away or maybe just stare at me like we weren't close but that was when I noticed, you started acting funny. You started acting differently when I was around you and our group.

That night, you told me how you really felt for me. And in all honesty, I wasn't happy with it. I was not okay with you liking me because I did not want to hurt you or make you expect that I felt the same way. I turned you down and I felt really bad but you didn't know that. I tried to sound mean but it ended with a sorry for all the guilt was building up on me like lego bricks being stacked together piece by piece.

I told you all the meanest things just to turn you down and stop liking me. I felt like I was actually STABBING you so deep that it actually left a scar on your big heart and for that, I'm really sorry. I didn't want to be the one to hurt you like that nor do I want to be the one to be responsible for a more serious damage when I didn't say anything at all.

A few years passed and you still tried to court me... with me, having the same answer as always... the hurtful two letter word that brings anyone down. NO. I'm not doing this because I find you ugly. I'm doing this for the sake of you not getting hurt by my own broken pieces. I'm doing this because I know there'll be someone better than me to actually care for you and love you the way you love me. And I'm really sorry for the hurtful words I've said just to say no to your courtship.

I hope you'll be able to read this Ceej. Know that I'll always be your Samantha Pucket and I'll always be your friend but nothing more. I dedicate Personal by Tori Kelly to you because I know it'll describe how you feel about your love life.