(Author's Note: Hey, everyone. I'm truly sorry that I haven't updated in such a long time. I really, really am. If you want to know what happened, please take some time to read all of this till the end. I just needed some time to grieve, but holy frick, life was a rollercoaster while I wasn't writing.

I still left some comments on stories and such, but not a whole lot of them.

In case you haven't heard, my best friend, Ryan Abara, killed himself on August 4th. I was crushed. I swear I heard my ears ringing, my world was shattered, and I just couldn't stop crying. Ryan was always such a happy guy and he helped me through my anxiety too. I wasn't ready to lose that.

I mean, the rest of my friends and I were so excited for our next school year. Some of us are going to be sophomores, some of us juniors, and some seniors. Ryan was going to be a senior and I was sure that was going to be his time to shine. Ryan was also a theater kid like me, so we had planned on auditioning for the school musical together.

Ryan left no suicide note, so he left us wondering why. I won't go into the graphic details of when his parents found his body, but he shot himself and they described it as a horrifying sight. His funeral was on August 17th, three days before school started. There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

I've been having nightmares, I've been so angry at the people who have ever said anything mean about Ryan, angry at his father for abusing him and his mother, crying for days on end, and I've even been begging a God- any God that may or may not exist- to please let it be a cruel joke. I tried to write new chapters because I felt like I was letting my followers down by not posting, but I just couldn't. Especially this chapter. I was planning this chapter before Ryan's suicide happened and now the events in it remind me of the hell me and my friends went through. No more of Ryan's witty jokes at lunch, no more of his bright, encouraging smile, no more musicals together, no more seeing his comforting, reassuring eyes when I'm having a panic attack. No more Ryan. He's gone and I can't do anything about it. That's what hurts the most is feeling so powerless and numb.

I'm not posting this for attention. I'm posting it because I want you to know that this chapter was hard for me to write and I just wanted you to understand why it was so difficult for me to get done.

I also want to tell you what I learned from losing my friend: I learned that you have to let the deceased person go or it will never stop hurting. I learned that if there is a God, He's going to take people from you sometimes, but it's because He wants us to grow. No amount of begging and pleading with Him is going to bring the one you lost back. The sooner you learn to accept that, the easier you can learn to move forward. I learned that being angry at people and blaming them is only going to make things worse and it won't help you with anything you're going through. Lastly, I learned that the pain will come back. I still think of Ryan all the time. I still dream about him, but they're not nightmares anymore. Now they're pleasant dreams and they only make me cry because of how much I miss him. But it will get easier. I promise.

If you're thinking of suicide, please, please don't do it. It will destroy someone's life. Even if you think nobody is there for you, somebody's entire life is going to be changed in your absence. My friends and I could barely function these past weeks. There's just a gaping hole in our lives we're going to have to learn to rebuild ourselves around. Don't do that to the people in your life. Please get the help you need. You do deserve to be helped. You do deserve to be happy. You are not weak. You are so beautiful. You are so talented- even though you may not see what those talents are yet. Please live with the hope that it gets easier rather than the thoughts that people would be better off without you. It's not true. Don't be the reason your friends and family are wondering why.

Anyway, please enjoy a depressing chapter. Worst thing ever after reading this, I know, but hey. Everyone's story needs darkness before reaching the light.

Love you so much, stay alive,

An MLP Reader ♥️ ♥️♥️♥️) 

 "And that's why I just... feel like I don't deserve to eat," Rarity explained after recounting the Fall Formal incident to Tender Soul. "I don't deserve my friends. I don't deserve Applejack."

   "Hmm," Tender Soul said, tapping her pen to her chin. "It sounds to me like you had trouble switching your coping skills this week."

   Rarity felt her heart sink into her stomach. "Y-yes. I'm sorry I let you down."

   Rarity began to cry again. Despite her trying to hold back her tears, here she was drowning in her own sorrows. She didn't think a person could even hold that many tears. 

   "Rarity, this kind of thinking is destroying you," Tender Soul pointed, worriedly. "You did not let me down. Look at me. I'm here to help you."

   Rarity looked up at Tender Soul, her eyes still swimming with tears. 

   "Let's try again this week," Tender Soul gently encouraged. "Remember to switch unhelpful-"

   "I can't do it!" Rarity sobbed. "I just..." She gasped, trying not to choke on her sobs. "C-c-can't do it!"

   "Yes, you can," Tender Soul insisted. "Here, we're going to do a breathing exercise real quick. Inhale deeply and count to five in your head."

   Rarity did as she was told, taking a deep breath in and counting to five in her mind. 

   "Now exhale and count backwards from five," Tender Soul instructed. 

   Once again, Rarity followed instructions, breathing out and counting backwards from five inside of her head. 

   Rarity felt calmer and was able to wipe her tears away to listen to Tender Soul's words. 

   "Why don't you think you can do this, Rarity?" Tender Soul wondered. "I'm not judging you in any way. I'm just... curious as to why you're feeling this way."

   Rarity took another deep breath before telling her, "This entire week, I've been feeling like a failure for eating. But I've also felt like a failure because I feel like I have to recover for the sake of my friends and family." 

   "Relapse," Tender Soul told her. "It's going to happen, Rarity. That is okay. If recovering from anorexia was easy, we'd have no need to raise awareness for it because everybody would be able to recover quickly by themselves."

    Rarity was surprised that Tender Soul was being so gentle. She thought that she'd be disappointed. 

    "But I can assure you that you are stronger than the demons in your head," Tender Soul continued. "It may not feel like that right now. Right now, it probably feels like they're controlling you, huh?"

   Rarity nodded.

   "But I promise you that it'll all make sense again," Tender Soul said. "It may feel like you're lost or confused right now, but one day, I know that you can regain control of your own thoughts. One day, you're going to be able to say you're okay and mean it. You'll realize that you're grateful you kept pressing forward."

   Rarity was tearing up again, but this time, she smiled. "I don't know if it's professional, but... can I give you a hug?"

   Tender Soul giggled. "Of course you may."

   Rarity and Tender Soul embraced. 

   Once they broke apart from the hug, Rarity did the deep breathing exercise that Tender Soul had taught her. She knew that she didn't feel strong enough to face her demons yet, but with some time, she would. 

                                                                                                    ***

   Rarity had woken up that day, feeling dizzier than usual. However, the only thing she felt in her stomach now was an emptiness. 

   Now she was in the lunchroom, looking for the table where her friends usually sat. She was certain they'd want to talk about the Fall Formal, but she couldn't help but feel pangs of guilt every time she thought about it. She hoped she'd be able to change the subject. 

   Once again, Rarity hadn't packed a lunch. She told herself the night prior that she would finally bring a lunch to school, but she was running late this morning and forgot to do it on the way out. It had become a habit to skip packing lunch, so it had slipped Rarity's mind. 

   Rarity sat down with her friends. They perked up immediately when they saw her. 

   "Hey, Rarity!" Sunset Shimmer greeted, warmly. "We were just talking about you! We were hoping that you weren't still upset about what happened at the Fall Formal."

   "You do know none of us blame ya for that, right?" Applejack asked. 

   Rarity nodded. "I do. Each of you girls has made that clear to me. Although... I can't help but feel bad about it."

   "Aw, come on, Rarity," Rainbow Dash encouraged. "Even if our night did have to be cut short, it was still the celebration of our lives! You have nothing to feel bad about." 

   Rarity smiled. "Thank you, Rainbow Dash." 

   "No problem." 

   "So... you won't feel upset if we talk about it, right?!" Pinkie Pie questioned. "Because Twilight and I have sooo many stories to tell!"

   "Ooh, I would love to hear!" Rarity told her. 

   Pinkie Pie launched into the many tales she had about the Fall Formal. How Twilight had accidentally told Pinkie Pie about her brother's embarrassing nickname for her, an incident the couple had with the punch bowl, and there was so many stories Pinkie Pie had. 

   Rarity was trying her hardest to listen, but Pinkie Pie's voice sounded like it was getting closer and then farther away at different intervals. The cafeteria began to become blurry and obscured. Rarity was in too much of a daze to even panic. 

   The room began to fade in and out and Pinkie Pie's voice began to sound muffled. Rarity leaned closer onto the table to hear Pinkie Pie better, but her dizziness got the better of her. 

   Rarity began to breathe faster and she began to shake rapidly. This got the attention of her friends. 

  Pinkie Pie immediately stopped talking. "Rarity, what's wrong?" 

   Rarity tried to speak, but her voice was caught in her throat as she gazed down at her shaking hands. All she could muster was a shake of her head, although this caused the dizziness to become worse.

   Rarity's friends became frightened as she continued to shake. 

   "Rarity, what's wrong?" Applejack repeated, her heart beginning to pound in fear. 

   Again, Rarity couldn't reply. Thick blankets of darkness were covering her vision and there was a loud ringing in her ears. She wanted to cry out to her friends and tell them what was wrong, but the words died on her tongue. 

   Rarity's friends were thrown into a panic. 

   "Rarity!" Sunset Shimmer cried. "Rarity, tell us what's wrong! What's happening to you?!" 

   All at once, Rarity succumbed to the darkness and hit the ground. Her friends screamed in terror and rushed over to her side in a hurry. 

   Applejack grabbed Rarity's shoulders and shook her desperately, tears beginning to pour down her face. "Rarity?! Rarity! Please wake up! Don't leave me please!" 

   "Oh my goodness!" Fluttershy cried. 

   Sunset Shimmer reached over to feel for a pulse. When she realized there was none, her heart dropped. 

   "Help!" Sunset Shimmer screamed. "Does anybody know CPR?!" 

  All of the students in the cafeteria gradually came to a hush when they realized that Rarity was unconscious on the ground. They watched her with various expressions of horror. 

   Everyone was taken by surprise when Flash Sentry sprinted over and knelt down by Rarity's side. "I do!" he exclaimed. 

   "You do?!" Applejack exclaimed in surprise. 

   "I worked at a camp this summer," Flash replied, interlocking his fingers and pressing down repeatedly on her chest. "We had to learn first-aid as part of our training. Somebody call 911!" 

   Applejack was way ahead of him and whipped out her cell phone. After dialing the number, a young female operator picked up on the other line. She had a soft, calm, and concerned voice that helped to ease Applejack into the call slightly more. "911, what's your emergency?"

   Applejack swallowed, trying to keep herself from breaking down into hysterical tears. "H-hi. Ah'm at Canterlot High School and my girlfri- my best friend is dying! You gotta help her, please."

  "Don't worry, an ambulance will be there shortly," the operator assured her. "Do you know Canterlot High School's location?"

   "W-well, ah don't know the address or anything, but- ah do know that it's close to the city," Applejack told them. "It's nearby the Sugarcube Corner on Canterlot Boulevard." 

    "Okay, I think we'll be able to work with those instructions," the operator said. "Don't worry, we're sending an ambulance to you now. It will be there as fast as possible." 

   Applejack sighed in relief as they ended the call, but it didn't stop the tears from pouring down her face.

   Applejack could merely hear her ears ringing and feel her head spinning as she watched the scene in front of her. To her, it was as if the cafeteria had turned into a silent horror film, people making various noises of panic, but no sound being heard. She could see Flash Sentry working hard to perform CPR for Rarity, Sunset Shimmer panicking and trying to restrain her tears, Pinkie Pie crying on Twilight's shoulder, Twilight sobbing and gently stroking Pinkie Pie's head, Fluttershy crying profusely in Rainbow Dash's embrace, and Rainbow Dash holding Fluttershy close and trying to restrain tears of her own. Other students were chatting among each other frantically, trying to figure out ways to help. The lunch ladies had left their stations and joined the panicked crowd. 

   Finally, the sound gradually began to come back as the medics begin to rush into the cafeteria. One of the medics gently beckoned Flash to step to the side and took over performing CPR on Rarity. Applejack watched the medics hopefully. 

    "Do you think we'll have to bring out the defibilrator?" one of the medics asked the one continuing to do CPR. 

   "Not yet," he replied. "Let's wait to see if we get a response." 

   After a few more minutes of the cafeteria watching in hopeful silence, Rarity gasped as oxygen began to flow back into her. The others in the cafeteria burst into relieved chatter and Rarity's friends began to cry- a mixture of relief and heartache. 

   However, the relief was short-lived. The medics began losing Rarity once more. The medic who had previously performed CPR looked at the others solemnly. "Have you seen the outline of this girl's ribcage against her stomach? She must be starving. Her body must be shutting itself down due to the lack of food in her system. Let's get her to the hospital. Stat!"

   The medics took Rarity and began to carry her out of the cafeteria. 

   "Wait!" Applejack cried. 

    "No time," one of the medics told her. "If we don't help her quickly, we could very easily lose her for good."

   Once the medics had left the cafeteria, Rarity's friends stood in a tight circle, frightened for what was about to come. 

    "W-what do we do?" Fluttershy stammered, tears threatening to spill once again. 

    "We need to get to the hospital!" Applejack exclaimed at once. "Come on!" 

    "But you didn't take your car to school today, remember?" Rainbow Dash reminded her. "Big Mac took you because yours is getting repairs."

   Applejack thought for a moment, not very clearly due to her panic, but clear enough to get an idea.

    Once the others saw Applejack run off to another place in the cafeteria, they followed closely behind her. They reached Applejack's brother, Big Mac, standing nearby in shock from what had just happened. 

    Applejack took a deep breath and burst into tears as she asked, "Can ya PLEASE take us to the hospital?!" 

    Big Mac nodded immediately. "Eeyup."

   Big Mac motioned for the girls to follow him out to the parking lot and they ran after him with no hesitation. They knew they'd be skipping school, but they needed to be there to make sure Rarity would survive.