We walked back into the party hand in hand. All the confidence and sudden openness I had earlier slowly started to disappear with every step I took by his side. As we entered, I noticed many surprised faces. This made me feel better, knowing I wasn't the only one who was essentially blindsided. Except that their surprised stares were followed by sympathetic grimaces. And I knew what everyone was thinking.

How could I be with him?

They all knew.

With every step we took together, I felt him getting further and further away. His hand was cold in mine, my own sweating from nerves and the angst I had been holding in for months.

He found our table. We sat down and I scanned the room looking for Cara and Kristen, but they were busy taking pictures with guests. They looked happy and occasionally I could see Cara wiping tears from her cheeks. She swore she wasn't going to cry, but I could only imagine how she felt. Everything had turned out perfectly and she had married the woman of her dreams. It almost seemed too good to be true, but for some people it was true. And it wasn't too good because they genuinely deserved it.

It felt like time was moving so quickly but every second felt like an eternity. It seemed so long ago that he had just popped back into my life.

I felt so happy for them at first. But the more I watched them together, I realized that I didn't belong here with these people. I loved them but they were not my family. My marriage with Zayn would never make him actually care about me enough to actually be my family.

He had abandoned me like nothing had happened and that's the same fashion in which he had returned. But it felt like he didn't return to me, he returned to his family.

He smiled the kind of fake, forced smile you do when you know a lot of people who don't like you are watching. I knew him. There was something he wasn't telling me and with every anxious glance around the room, I started to feel like maybe I was suddenly an unwanted plus one. It was obvious a lot of guests were surprised to see him, but it started to feel like once again it had become all about him. 

"Zayn, how are you?" Lizzy asked, beaming at her familiar friend.

He stood up to hug her, still on edge and scanning the room immediately after she released him from her tight embrace.

"I'm good, just enjoying the party."

She looked like she expected him to say more, but he just sat down and looked at her as if he wasn't sure why she was still standing there. So she sat down next to him and much to my surprise, and his, she began to ask a lot of questions.

"So what have you been up to? It feels like forever since we last spoke."

She shot me a puzzled glance, almost as if asking me what was going on. Of course Elizabeth could tell something was off. She knew him so much better than I did.

But a lot of people did.

"I've been fine, just working."

Lizzy raised brow, taken back by his answer. "Working? That's interesting. On what?"

Zayn looked at me with a troubling look in his eyes I couldn't understand. Then I realized it was because he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at someone else.

"I'm going to the bathroom," he got up abruptly, almost knocking the chair back behind him. "I need to make a call as well. Lizzy, why don't you tell Ana about the time you traveled to Dubai? I'm sure she'd love that story."

He dipped off before either of us could think of a response. Lizzy looked confused as ever and we couldn't figure out exactly what was going on.

"Well? Aren't you gonna follow him?"

I shook my head, "No."

I answered before I could really think about what she was asking me, but I meant it. I didn't know what was going on but I had no doubt that I'd find out tonight, regardless of following him or not. I couldn't begin to let him control me that way, creating something invisible for me to be jealous of and have me fight for his affection.

"You're better than me, girl," she said, taking a sip out of someone's water glass. "I would've already looked through that phone and questioned him about the last couple of months. I understand you love him but..." she grimaced, wanting to appear sympathetic but not able to hide her disappointment.

I sighed, and I knew at that moment I couldn't hide my own disappointment in myself.

"Im just saying," she reached over and put her hand over mine, "don't let him get one over you. Make him work for your forgiveness."

"I know," I answered, wondering if there was any forgiveness in me for him to work for, "I know."

——————

I followed a familiar silhouette, one that I miraculously noticed at first from the corner of my eye when Lizzy was talking to me.

At first there was some guilt for up and leaving Anastasia, but I had questions of my own that I needed answered once and for all. I knew that after speaking to her I would be able to move on with my life and Anastasia and I could really start over.

I followed from a distance, ignoring everyone in my way trying to get my attention or greeting me. Offering them a quick smile and hello, I focused on Her. Making sure not to lose her again or let her out of my sight like I did so many times before.

She walked and walked. I knew she knew I was following her, she knew it. Though at a distance, I could see she walked out to the similar outdoor balcony where I had spoken to Anastasia, giving me a clearer indication that she knew about her as well. There was so much we would have to talk about but so little time, it seemed foolish. Foolish to chase after her, and for what, answers that I didn't want to hear.

But I still followed, and she sat on the bench near a small pond waiting for me.

When she came into clearer view, she held out her hand and for a minute, it was almost like I was dreaming. The sensation of deja vu was almost painful. My chest felt tight, but my mind wasn't racing.

She was so beautiful, exactly how I remembered her. Elena still radiated warmth and felt like the home I hadn't had in years.

I took her hand and sat down next to her, unaware of how hard I was gripping her much smaller hand in mine. She made a small noise and I loosened my hold, watching at her expectantly but she said nothing.

"I looked for you for years," I blurted out, "you have no idea how unreal this moment is for me."

"I would feel the same if you didn't have a wife," her voice was sad, and my heart fell to my feet, "you've become someone that I truly don't recognize."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You know, there was a point in time when you were a very bad liar. Now, I'm not so sure."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I stalled, I wrapped my arm around her and inched closer. "I've always loved you," I whispered in her ear, my voice almost breaking, "that has never changed."

"You killed her father."

My body went cold, but within seconds heat rushed to my face and my head began to pound like never before. It all began to come back.

I was never one to admit my wrongs, truthfully, but some mistakes were inevitably made along the way.

Elena looked more and more upset with every passing second. She moved my arm from around her and I kept my hands to myself, just waiting. I knew I couldn't push it with her. She was the only person who ever really understood me, and I had really fucked up with her already once, so I couldn't imagine what brought her here. After so many years of searching for her, all to find her here at my sisters wedding.

Where the wife that I abandoned is one of the bridesmaids.

"Why did you come back?" I said, not wanting to beat around the bush anymore.

"You said you were done with me," I added dryly, fishing for my cigarettes in the pocket of my jacket. "You ran away from me and ruined my life. Yet here you are. Years of therapy obviously did nothing for you, because here you are. You've fallen right into my palm."

She just stared at me, nothing there except the irrefutable look of contempt. "You're right, they did nothing for me. I still have you burned into my brain and on the rare night when I don't have nightmares of what you did to me, I almost begin to miss you."

I chuckled, though I didn't mean to out loud. Something about Elena always got to me, and I wasn't sure it it was her commitment to doing what felt good to her or her unwillingness to do otherwise.

"Sorry," I said too late, "I'm not laughing at you."

I lit my cigarette quickly, putting the heavy lighter back in my pocket, accidentally blowing the smoke into her face.

She coughed, fanning the smoke away with her hand. She rolled her eyes, wanting to stand up, but I pulled her down again.

"You're truly one of a kind, you know that?"

"You hate my guts and yet years later you've come to find the man who perhaps has loved you the most in your entire life. I just don't understand," I took a long drag of my cigarette, my anxiety building, "why did you not let me find you sooner?"

"I can't do this with you again, Zayn. We both know why. You're married. You've made a mess that you can't clean up, and you know that. I'm here because I couldn't reach you. I wanted to let you know that you won't be able to keep using your money and power to get away with things anymore."

The grave tone in her voice made it clear that she was telling the truth.

"And why is that?"

"Because you have a lot of enemies, and they haven't gotten to you but..."

It all began to click. "You weren't hiding from me, were you?"

She stayed quiet but her silence said so much more than words. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her head, a sudden warmth washing over my body that I hadn't felt in years.

For a moment I felt like the old me— the person who only worried about how I was going to make a living for us both, before things began to get messy, before Anastasia.