That night after the weird vision, I remember I stumbled into my bathtub. When I went to sleep, I thought the angel would appear again, but instead I dreamt he had returned. I don't remember much, except the part where I had run into his arms and he had evaporated. I remember collapsing, crying out and grasping for whatever he had left behind.

He wasn't even going to Cara's wedding. He wasnt calling me anymore. Nothing. It was like he had found a place to dump me at and felt I needed him no longer. It wasn't just about me being alone. I hated to have these thoughts, but why did he take me from Harry if he'd just abandon me? I so desperately want someone to love me, really love me, no matter what their reasons are. It doesn't matter anymore. I am so starved for a soft touch, a kind gesture. The things other girls get - flowers, a gentle kiss... I craved a cliche.

My head was pounding when I got out of bed. Two things hit me immediately- I was still drunk and the memory of me falling and hitting my head after my bath. Again. I'd probably go to the hospital to get checked out soon, too many head injuries in such a small amount of time. Maybe I should get some blood work done, I'm always sick. Or maybe just depressed.

I stumbled, crawled, to the bathroom, ignoring my reflection in the huge mirror. I was a mess, like always, but the way I felt inside materialized physically.

It was the morning of Cara's wedding day.

Was it wrong to be envious? Because I was. Everyone gets a happy ending except me. Everyone is so excited to live and here I am, wishing every night to not wake up. It was unbearable to exist. But at least I was honest with myself, for once. That's what counts.

Zayn treated me like I was nothing and now I actually am. That's good to know.

A gentle knock was heard as I brushed my teeth, not able to wipe the scowl off my face. All of this self hatred just hit me all at once. It was not easy to look at myself. And I had a hair and makeup appointment in about fifteen minutes. I'd have to deal with looking at my reflection for a couple of hours. Maybe I wouldn't have to.. Maybe they'd understand if I told them I felt like I was rotting from the inside out. Or outside in? Maybe I was just crazy..

"Anastasia, sweetheart, are you ready? I don't mean to hurry you, but our appointment is in 20 minutes."

I groaned, loud enough for me to hear but not offend my mother in law. I put my hair up sloppily and quickly went to get dressed.

Jeans and a sweater. That should be fine.

Only it wasn't, because when I opened the door and saw Stefani, she was dressed in an elegant, ivory pantsuit. Again, so put together, and so opposite of me. She was probably thinking I was not good enough for Zayn, which was true, and that she would never go out with me in public again.

She smiled at me and took my hand. The gesture surprised me. "Come on, darling. This will be fun."

It was not fun.

My hair had transformed from blonde and shitty to chocolate brown and actually alive. My mother in law seemed very enthusiastic about the change, apparently Zayn had told her endless times how much he loved my long brown hair. That was nice of him, because he never told me. He never told me the nice things he tells them about me.

Maybe he's lying.

She sat in the chair next to mine and I diverted my gaze in her direction every so often. It was excruciating to get my hair done, I felt like everytime they pulled it slightly I was going to pass out. I was getting my makeup done and I hated it. I hated being touched. But I sat and cringed through it all, just for Cara. Because she's been so good to me and so kind, how could I just ruin her day?

The girl doing my makeup reminded me of Amy. She was blonde with hazel eyes and there was something warm about her. It made me wonder how Harry was, and Amy, no matter what they were doing against me. I still felt okay with them and I couldn't forget that.

I felt terrible. Here I was sitting next to Zayn's mom, my mother in law, and I was thinking about Harry. This was messed up. But so was I. I had no control over my thoughts, so it was very difficult to push away the unwanted ones. I was a prisoner in more ways than I knew.

"Are you excited?" Stefani asks me as they apply mink lashes.

"Yes, are you?" I try to sound happy and enthusiastic.

She does her best to nod. "I've always wanted the best for my children. Cara is a special girl, and to know she's found happiness just makes everything we've gone through worth it."

I want to cry and hide.

"I know I can't say anything to make you feel better, but I know that you and my son will be happy someday. You love each other and i'm happy he found you."

Maybe he doesn't love me.

"I do love him. More than anything. And I'm grateful you have accepted me. Cara and Kristen have done so much for me, I want her to be the happiest on this day."

The man doing her makeup looks proud of his work and takes a step back to admire it. Naturally, I do too, sort of, because the woman doing mine is finishing up.

She looks stunning.

Stef adjusts her big curls and smiles at the reflection of herself. She looks quite pleased, and then she looks at me, and she grins like a child in a candy store.

"You are so beautiful, my son is lucky to have you..."

Her gaze falls to my exposed arm and she sees the stray bruises, somewhat faded but still noticeable. For a moment I panic and unfortunately the lady doing my makeup excuses herself to the front desk.

She's going to say something. She's going to hate me.

But she doesn't. Instead, she takes me in her arms and kisses my head.

I can't cry. I'm wearing makeup.

I was so excited for Cara.

I was so happy when Zayn and I got married.

And now I just wanna go home.

I never want to be seen again.