At night I would lay awake thinking of her. The way her hand clutched mine and she looked back at me grinning, a knowing sparkle in her eye. She knew I adored her. How could I not? The once untamable girl had turned into a fighter. She gave me what I wanted so badly for years- courage. The same bravery she had shown me was given to me as a gift. Every moment, every word she spoke... I don't know how I can explain it. Anastasia was so many things and now that I didn't have her near, it felt like it was all a dream. A dream I wish I could relive in my head exactly as it happened. According to some, the human mind doesn't record things like a tape recorder or even a photograph; we never remember things or record them as we've lived them. Memories aren't like movies that we can rewind or pause, they're easily contaminated. They can be lost forever. So what if I forget what she really looks like someday? What if I find myself reminiscing years from today and I forget the way she looked at me? Will I forget the way she loved me?

And maybe it seemed crazy of me to wish I could have her back and maybe I would be a fool to live in the past. But this is what no one understands. When someone comes into your life after it being so void and shows you love, everything will change. Not just your attitude, maybe mannerisms, or your overall look on life... But something in you changes. You don't look like yourself anymore, even though your physique doesn't literally change. For the first time someone sees you and they see all the undesirable, ugly, perhaps disappointing parts of your character. They see how fucked up you get at 4am and you scream, glass breaks, you say things. And then all you feel is their arms around you and the world is falling apart, you're not sure what's going on or why... But that girl is there. It's not so lonely anymore. It all gets very still until all you hear is breathing and her voice, it just breaks through all of the chaos, all the sadness. You're crying and she's crying, you're both in so much pain, but the moment when you decide to not fight it and give into it... It turns into medicine. There was nothing her love couldn't fix in me. Every problem, every insecurity, she just made it disappear.

All I can wish for is Anastasia. Someday. Forever. I'll put pieces together and pick myself up, I'll go out into the world as she'd like me to, as the man who she adored.

"You know what you're really doing here?" I hear the man ask me, his frame coming into view.

He takes the sheet of paper that lays on the table, the pen next to it. I know what he thinks, I'm risking it all. But I don't have words to explain. It hasn't been so long since I've seen her and I don't even feel this is real.

I tried my best to get ready with anxious hands and my hair was a mess, though I'd been sleeping soundly with her next to me. She'd be happy to see me making a good decision, but I wasn't sure if it was even believable for me.

"Yeah, I think so."

I gulp and stand up, running a hand through my hair out of habit.

He cleared his throat. "It'll be a field day out there, keep your head down."

My eyes began to water uncontrollably but I blinked a few times, biting down on my bottom lip. "Just make sure she gets home safely. Protect her with your life."

He gave me a pat on the back, "You have my word, you know she'll be okay."

I took my coat from the couch and put it on, catching his nod of approval. I put on a brave face and let out a deep breath.

I saw her. I loved her.

The car ride isn't very long despite the traffic. I see reporters gathering at the entrance of the station and I take a deep breath.

We drive up to a large building, a police station. At first I'm very anxious and I wanna go back to her, but I can't. I fight my selfish reasoning and I'm assured it's the best thing for her. I have to do it for her. I can't just keep dragging her down with me anymore. We drive past the main entrance and head towards the back doors.

"Okay," he said as he turned off the car, "this is it."

I gulp, finding myself growing extremely nervous and my stomach was in knots. "I'm ready."

"They will not be lenient. But you will be taken care of and I will negotiate."

"I know," I mumble, opening the car door. "but I don't want a negotiation," I said tapping on the car roof, "I want to own up to what I've done."

My attorney sighed, annoyed. "Best of luck."

As ridiculous as it was, I said a prayer as I walked to the entrance. It seemed like the more I walked, the farther the doors got from me. The empty feeling of my chest and dry mouth were getting worse, and with every stride I felt myself becoming sadder and sadder.

My feet carried me to the front desk and The officers noticed me immediately.

"My name is Zayn Malik," I said. "I'm here to turn myself in."

It all happens quickly after that. The days following my surrender are like a blur.

You are sentenced to 10 years at Rikers...

Possibility of parole in 2020...

I'll make sure she's okay...

And I never saw her after that day.

"I will love you if you don't marry me... I will love you if you have a child... and I will love you if you never marry at all, and never have children, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all, and I must say that on late, cold nights I prefer this scenario out of all the scenarios I have mentioned. That is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way."