Amy's POV

Bathroom

Enter

Wake-up

Blood

Pale

Floor

Screaming

Suicide

Abuse

Fight

Fighting

Be the mother

I could never be

Gangs

Murder

Death

I gasp awake. It was too good to be true, I always get nightmares this time of year, it's not any different this year.

Rubbing my eyes, I check my phone. 4: 27 a.m.

I groan. There is no way I'm falling asleep now.

I stare at the ceiling above me. The words on the letter bouncing around my head.

Be the mother I could never be.

I know now, that she didn't write that, that she never killed herself, but still, I follow those directions.

I hear a noise coming from the bathroom. I glance at my closed bedroom door. I'm probably just imagining it.

I yawn and decide to get up. There's no use staying in bed if I'm not going to do anything it was made for.

I put on a long sleeved thin shirt and long leggings.

Friday can't come any sooner. Today's Wednesday and the week just doesn't want to speed up.

Putting on my boots and a jacket I sneak downstairs and out the door. My father isn't home yet, out doing gang business.

I breathe in the fresh cold air. My breathe comes out in little clouds.

I walk around without a destination in mind. January is the worst month of the year. My family goes from happy holidays to one full of grieving.

"What are you doing out this early?" A voice asks from behind.

I smile at the sound of his voice. "Just enjoying the early morning." I say without turning around.

"How are you doing?" He asks.

"As good as anyone in my position could be."

"When was the last time you went to see her?"

I don't turn around and instead continue to walk. His footsteps follow behind. "Two years, I can't bear to go back alone."

"You're not alone this year."

Closing my eyes, I stop walking and instead turn around. "I can't believe you still remember after all these years." I whisper opening my eyes and staring into his blue eyes.

He smiles and his dimples shine. "I couldn't forget, especially how I found you." Caleb's smile turns into a scowl. "How are things with your father?"

I hesitate. I can't tell him about the deal, because he will tell Shawn and if I tell him about the past years, he will still tell Shawn. "It has gotten better."

He narrows his eyes before looking up at the sky. "It looks like it's going to snow soon, we should both go to our homes."

I nod. "I'll see you later?"

"Alright, oh, and Amy?" He asks, looking straight into my eyes. "Don't ignore us anymore, every one feels guilty about what happened in November, but can we put the past behind us?"

----

Guilty.

They feel guilty for something I don't even blame them for.

I sigh as I throw myself onto my bed.

By ignoring them, I made them think I hated them. I want to keep them safe, but it's either them or my siblings now.

"AMY!" Sophie enters my room, her eyes wet with tears. Her face is pale as though she's seen a ghost.

"What's wrong?!" I ask quickly getting to my feet and walking to her, searching for any signs of an injury.

"B-Brenda!" She wails. "T-the b-bathroom!"

I run to the bathroom straight away.

I gasp upon entering. "N-no! No, no, no!" My eyes widen and tears fill my eyes.

It's deja vu from five years ago. Brenda, pale and cold on the floor.

Death

I crouch next to Brenda. I take a shaky breathe and touch her neck. "Please," I whisper.

I don't feel anything but coldness. "No!" I scream, my tears falling. I look to the counter and see an open container full of pills. Pain killers.

Death.

"Why, why, why?!" I scream. "IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!"

I shake Brenda as though that will wake her up.

"Amy?" I look back and see Parker supporting a crying Sophie.

My eyes widen. "H-how did you know?" I ask Sophie. She couldn't have known unless.... I trail off.

"I-I found h-her!" She wails.

A door slams open from downstairs and footsteps are heard on the stairs.

"What's going on?" My father questions as he enters the bathroom. His eyes widen at the scene. "Shit, shit, shit!" He murmurs.

Brenda was always his favorite. He glances at the pills before shoving me away. He touches her neck, her wrist, puts his ear to her chest, but he won't hear a heart beat.

I sob with the rest of my siblings. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Just seven more months and we could have been free. We would have left and made a new life for ourselves, a legal life with no gangs, no fights, and no deaths.

My father stops as he notices it's useless. He turns to us, his face emotionless. "I'll get someone to clean this place, get ready for school."

I nod and get up from the floor. "Come on." I whisper to my siblings, dragging them off the floor.

Will difficulty, we enter their room. The room is small, but Sophie and Brenda share a bed and Parker gets his own. I wanted to share rooms with Brenda, but she refused and instead roomed with them.

I look to Sophie and my heart shatters. Her eyes look lifeless, dead. I can see a bit of sadness, but very little emotion beneath her dark brown eyes.

That's what scares me the most. She shouldn't have to have gone and seen all this at such a young age.

I slowly get up and take out clothing for Sophie to wear and push her to my room. Parker gets up without being told and walks out.

With tears streaming down my eyes, I walk to Sophie and Brenda's bed. I take off the blankets and start to do the bed.

Underneath the blankets are a pile of things though.

Two blue books, a rectangular object, a note, and an envelope.

I open the envelope first.

Dear Amy, or whoever opens this,

I'm sorry for the pain I am to cause for this, but believe me when I say, I tried to hold on, I tried to keep going on, but I truly couldn't, I physically couldn't bear it anymore.

I'm sorry for everything, for being such a failure of a human being.

I only hope that you can forgive me.

Amy, or whoever is reading this, tell Amy, it's not your fault, it never was, don't blame yourself for this.

You couldn't have known what I was going through, I kept everything to myself.

You had your own problems, and I had mine.

It's no ones fault, because the one person who tried to help me, I pushed them away.

Andrew. I love him. And I'm sorry I can't be there for him, he deserves better.

I'm sorry.

Brenda

I start crying even harder. My tears mix with the ink.

It is my fault. I should have noticed, I should have-

The bathroom. Before I left the house, I heard a noise.

I'm probably just imagining it.

I scream at the top my lungs. My tears fall into my mouth.

It's all my damn fault! I want to bang my head against the floor.

I put aside the letter and look at the note.

Give this to Andrew, I'm sorry.

Squinting at the rectangular object, I realize it's a tape recorder. The books are both titled similarly.

My Diary-Ren

My Journal-Ren

I open the first page of the diary.

This Diary is possession of Brenda Kuether, and is not to be read or touched by annoying siblings.

I chuckle a bit through my tears.

The first entry dates to January 20th, 2013. The day my mother died.

I close it, not wanting to envade her privacy.

I sigh and get up. I need to give these to Andrew.

I wipe my tears away and continue to make the bed.

I walk out and run into my father. "I'm making security tighter. From now on, you and the others will have a personal body guard. Yours will be Walter."

He walks away and I don't even try to fight back, I'm too emotionally drained.

I walk into my room in time to hear my phone vibrate.

Unknown

Sorry for your loss, but how you howl for the second in line, we howl for the first.

My fists clench around the device.

Amy

Did you do this?!

It's quiet for a few seconds before the phone vibrates again.

Unknown

All we did was give her the slight push she needed.

I throw the device across the room where it hits the wall and breaks apart.

I don't pick it up. Instead, I try to get dressed for school without staining any clothing with tears.

----

I keep a blank face as I walk into school.

My eyes are red and puffy, and by the looks and whispers everyone is giving me, they notice as well.

"Hey Amy!" Caleb comments when he sees me before doing a double take. "What's wrong?"

I don't answer, if I do, I'm bound to fall apart crying.

The books and video recorder are burning holes in my back pack.

Emily runs up to me with a worried look on her face. "You never answered your phone, what's going on?"

I don't answer and continue walking to my locker. They don't follow me.

"Hello." A new voice rings out. I look up and see a girl with a friendly face looking back at me. "I'm Wendy Walter, and I'm your new guard."

I blink a couple times. "Walter is your last name?" My voice comes out raspy.

She nods. "I go by Walter though because if I go by Wendy, people usually tend to underestimate me."

Nodding I open my locker and put some things inside.

"I um...." She trails off. "I know you might hate me, or even despise me, but I hope we can be good friends?"

"Walter, so far you have given me no reason to trust you, and no reason not to trust you. What you do from here on out, will decide our friendship." I walk away, the things staying behind in the locker.

I'll give them to their rightful new owner later.

----

I glare at the gossiping girls across the cafeteria. How could they have possibly known? I have yet to tell anyone about Brenda.

"Hey," a soft voice says as they sit next to me. "Troy told me what happened, you shouldn't be here in the state you are in."

I give Emily a small smile. "I have unfinished business."

"Please don't be talking about another fight."

"Nope." I shake my head as Walter sits down on my left side. "Oh, by the way, this is Walter."

Walter looks at Emily with curiosity while Emily looks confused.

"Who's she?" Walter asks still studying Emily.

"Relax, she knows. Emily, after this morning, my father assigned Walter here as my personal guard."

Emily raises her eyebrows before nodding.

Walter stares Emily a bit longer before smiling. "Nice to meet you." She puts out her hand.

The shake hands before we fall into a nice silence.

Of course, all things have to be ruined.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Kylie asks as she slides into a chair across from me.

"We had to find out from the gossip queen herself." Alexander says.

Soon the table is filled as it once was two months ago.

I have to keep them safe

It wasn't supposed to be like this

My siblings

Or

Them?

I shrug my shoulders. "I wasn't planning on telling anyone, I don't know how they even found out."

"Who's that?" Riley asks motioning towards Walter.

"Oh, that's Wa-"

"Wendy, nice to meet you!" She exclaims with false cheerfulness in her voice, her hand extended out for a handshake.

Alexander looks confused before putting out his hand. "Alexander."

"How are you doing?" Lola asks looking at me with worry.

"You shouldn't be here in this state." Liam adds.

"Emily said the same thing." I say and Emily gives me a pointed look. "But I still have unfinished business."

"What do you mean?" Walter looks at me with questioning eyes.

"The business isn't mine, but I have to finish it."

They drop it and everyone stares at their tray.

Them

Or

My siblings?

"Did Troy tell you how Sophie is?" I ask Emily.

She shakes her head, poking at her food. "No. He mentioned how Sophie barely said a word to him and then broke down crying during English. He says she seems closed off."

I was afraid of that. She can't go into the darkness, it's not a beautiful place.

The bell rings and I go to my locker. I know Brenda has Advanced Algebra at this time with Andrew.

I take a deep breathe and put in my combination.

Taking out the books and tape I let a couple more tears slide out.

I was so stupid. I should have gone and seen what the noise was, not ignore it.

Walking with my head down, I dodge the feet which are taking their sweet time in getting to class, but I'm in no hurry either.

The bell soon rings but I ignore it. I hate being the person who bears bad news, but at the rate this school gossips, he is bound to have heard by now.

I take a deep breathe and am about to knock on the door when screaming interrupts me.

"NO!" Someone screams from inside. A male.

I quickly enter the classroom and see a familiar build in the back. Andrew is screaming and crying, I'm guessing he finally heard.

I run towards him, ignoring the looks everyone is giving me and him.

He doesn't come quietly. He thrashes around and kicks and screams at me. "LET ME GO! I NEED TO FIND HER! I NEED TO SEE HER! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! LET ME GO!"

I don't let him go, but instead bang him against a locker when I'm finally outside the classroom. The teacher didn't bother to do anything. He groans.

"The last thing she ever said was to give you this." I quickly say. I hand him Brenda's diary, journal and the tape.

He takes then into his arms. He's about to say something when I cut him off. "You know, she truly loved you. She did. Whenever she talked about you, her eyes would always light up. While I wish her love for you might have made her think twice about her decision, I just want to thank you. If it wasn't for you, she would have been gone sooner. You bought us more time. Thank you. Don't tear apart yourself by blaming yourself. She wouldn't want that. Move on, you're young, you can. Just, thank you. You were able to give her an experience which I can't experience myself. Goodbye Andrew." I walk away, not able to bear being there any longer.

Them

Or

My Siblings?

It's not a question anymore. I can't protect them, they can protect themselves.

Friends are replaceable, but family is not.

My siblings are more important.

Hey!

I updated! Yay!

Before you go off on me, this has been planned for a while people!

Also, Brenda and Andrew have their own book, I have decided to make it the second in the series. The prologue is posted so far.

It's called Broken Smiles and can be found on my profile.

*I do not support or encourage suicide. If you are even consider it, talk with someone, I'm always available. But, if you can't, keep this in mind:*

You are loved, and someone will miss you.

Till next time!