when i was younger, i used to know who i was

i was proud of who i was

i didn't hate myself

i loved life

i was myself every day

i smiled back then

real, wonderful smiles of joy

they weren't faked

and neither were my laughs

--fast forward a few years--

i don't know who i am

i'm not proud of who i am

i hate myself

i hate life

i'm never myself nowadays

i don't smile much anymore

or at least not real, wonderful smiles of joys

my smiles are now faked

and so is my laugh

i had these three friends in second grade. we were inseparable for quite a while, i guess you could say.

in third grade, one of them bullied me, technically, but bullying me wasn't the intent. she would do or say things jokingly, only they hurt a lot. i never thought of it at bullying at the time, or for the many years to come. she sits in front of me in geometry now. says things like, "i expected better from you" and "i'm disappointed in you." i know she says them jokingly, but it still doesn't stop the pain.

one of them was a social butterfly, i guess you could say. she drifted apart from us in fourth grade, but one of the friend groups she joined was a friend group i was in, the one i'm trying to escape now. she's made better friends now, but i'm not one of them. to be honest, our personalities clash.

and the last of them used to be best friend in the entire universe. we're still friends, but we barely talk now, and we've drifted apart a lot in the past few years. she's changed. i've changed. i'm not the person she looks at when we have to pick groups. i haven't been since first or second grade. i would play knockout during recess in elementary school just to play with her.

all four of us are in one class again, for the first time since second grade. but we're no longer the best of friends, because friendships are hard.

also, my mother downloaded these two apps on my phone; one's a photo tracker, and one's this app that i believe is like a video camera that records everything from the lens of the phone. so that basically means i'm stuck with the good ol' wattpad website.