Chapter 1 | Need

For eighteen years, my life was nothing but darkness. I've never had such an overwhelming sense of loneliness, fear, and complete separation from the world as I have after my loving mother's tragic death.

Every day felt like a never-ending trench, devoid of her reassuring presence and affection, which used to embrace me in warmth. My heart's agony was unremitting as if it would devour me whole.

This new reality put a dark shadow over my life. I never spoke to anybody since that night, and I could only vaguely remember the events that happened next because my father decided to isolate me for good. They said it was for my sake.

I could only remember myself shedding tears and calling for my mother night after night until my voice disappeared. Years passed, many things changed, and the world continued, but I never moved on.

"Maligayang kaarawan, Contessa!" My personal maid, Ate Jena, said.

I smiled and didn't say anything as usual. Our helpers were already used to my unresponsiveness, or at least, they tried to understand.

"Nasa hapag na sina Don Carsiño—"

I didn't let Ate Jena finish; I immediately pulled myself together and descended the stairs. Today's Christmas and I wasn't present last night during our family's Noche Buena because I wasn't feeling well.

Unfortunately, today's also my eighteenth birthday. I could already hear Lola's speech about me not having a proper debut celebration because of my mother's mistakes.

Ever since Mom died, Lola never stopped blaming her for what happened to our family. My father quit politics, our family stayed at Pagudpud for good, and we never went to the city again because of shame.

"Hindi pa rin ba nagsasalita si Contessa, Cage? Paano na lang 'yan kapag ipakikilala na natin siya sa mga—"

"Mama, bigyan lang natin ang bata ng sapat na oras—"

"Cage, dalaga na ang apo ko at kailangan na niyang magising sa katotohanang wala na ang walang kwenta niyang ina—"

"Ma, puwede po ba? Kaarawan ni Contessa ngayon at kung marinig ka na naman niyang ganyan, mas lalong lalayo ang loob niya sa atin—"

It was too late for me to back off; my father already saw me coming. Lola was always transparent, but that didn't mean she was entirely right. Most of her opinions were lies and words she only wanted to believe in.

For the past years, she's been convincing me that my mother wasn't the real person I knew and that all of her actions were just for show. Lola's been trying to break my tiny, innocent trust in my mother, but she never succeeded.

"Contessa!" Lola smiled. "Happy eighteenth birthday, apo!"

Lola embraced me, and I did nothing. My eyes remained on my father, who watched us from his center seat.

"Halika at kumain na tayo. Mabuti na ba ang pakiramdam mo, Contessa?" Lola asked.

I nodded and quietly sat on my usual seat.

"Happy birthday, Anak. Pinaluto ko ang mga paborito mo," Dad said in his usual rehearsed tone.

I bit my lower lip as I chose the closest dish within my reach. What was the sense of wishing me a happy birthday if I had never had a single one? Every year, as the calendar marked my supposed day of celebration, I couldn't help but feel a wave of resentment and despair.

I sat floating through time, surrounded by shadows, bright candles, and forced smiles. The good wishes that rang out felt empty-this day only intensified the horrible loneliness that plagued my existence.

Lola and Dad tried their best to entertain me, but I wasn't here to tolerate more of their attempts to change me. I had been imprisoned by an inescapable silence that encased my every word and choked the very essence of my being.

At some point, it became my choice. I chose to stay silent and let them think and do what they wanted. Maybe it was a traumatic response, or perhaps I was just too tired of everything.

"Nakita ko ang grades mo nitong nakaraang semester, and as expected, matataas lahat! I'm so proud of you, Contessa," Lola said as I ate my food.

She already knew my response: nothing. Kahit naman noong may kakayahan pa akong magsalita sa harap nila, wala rin akong maisip na sagot tuwing ganito ang usapan. Paano pa ngayon matapos ang lahat ng nangyari?

I couldn't help but question every word coming out from my family. Proud si Lola dahil matataas ang marka ko gaya ng kanyang inaasahan pero paano kung hindi? Paano kung hindi ko makamit ang expectations niya? Paano kung magkamali ako?

Bahagya ko siyang sinulyapan ngayong si Papa ang kanyang kausap. For me, her appearance always remained the same. My impression of her as a child never changed; she was still the villain inside my head.

I watched them talk about our ever-so-famous resort, the Cosmo Isle. I secretly sighed as a faint memory crossed my mind. The thing about being the only one stuck in the past is that every detail matters to you with excruciating precision.

Every memory, every image, and every emotion becomes etched in your mind like a permanent scar. As time passes, leaving you stranded in a sea of forgotten moments, you cling desperately to even the minutest details.

When our resort didn't still exist, it was an extension of our mansion. Noon, hacienda pa ang tawag ng mga tao sa tahanan namin dahil nagbukas si Mama ng iba't ibang mga trabaho para sa kanila kahit ayaw ng aking grandparents.

People used to love our home because they felt welcomed. There were opportunities for them to provide for their loved ones, and most of all, they were close to the town's mayor.

Kaya nga hindi ko naintindihan, noong una kong narinig, ang mga usap-usapan tungkol sa reputasyon ni Mama sa Laoag-dahil sa lugar namin, respetado siya.

All those times are now in the past. Konti na lang din ang nakaaalala sa kabutihan at sa mga inambag ni Mama sa lugar na ito matapos kumalat sa buong lalawigan ang nangyari.

To compensate for the shame and to clean the stains my mother had left, my family decided to build a massive five-star resort. Iyon na ang kilala at naaalala ng lahat ngayon. Kahit ang mga hindi naman taga-rito ay binisita ang resort dahil sa sobrang ganda ng facilities at ng services.

My father decided to have a business degree when he quit politics. Halata namang naging maganda ang kanyang desisyon ngayong sobrang laki na ng Cosmo Isle.

Naging tourist attraction na rin ito sa nagdaang mga taon at nakatanggap na rin ng iilang mga parangal. It became so successful, to the point that it really did erase the people's memory of my mother.

I sometimes stare at my father and wonder if he ever misses Mom. He remained calm, proper, and reserved, even when the controversy was at its height. Para bang hindi siya kailanman nasaktan o nalungkot sa pagkawala ni Mama. Ang bilis niyang tumayo, ang bilis niyang maka-usad gaya ng lahat.

I thought his world would also shatter, but growing up and seeing him move forward as I remained in his shadows, he was never bothered.

Doon nagmula ang galit at disappointment ko kay Papa. He used to be big and great in my eyes, but right now, he's nothing but a failed husband to my mother. He didn't even mourn during her funeral and burial. I hated him for being so nonchalant during the darkest times of our lives. He didn't even console me during those times.

"Contessa," Dad called when the burial was over.

Maga pa ang mga ko nang tumingala dahil hindi ko inasahan ang kanyang pagtawag. Buong buwan kaming hindi nagkita o nag-usap man lang dahil sinarado nila ang aking kwarto.

Ngayon ko lang din muling nakita si Mama kung kailan nilibing na siya. Lumuhod si Papa sa aking harapan para magtugma ang aming mga mata. He never cried a tear, but his hands felt cold when he held my shoulders.

"Contessa," he called, this time as if he was pleading. "Promise me one thing, Ziana."

He sounded earnest, as if I wasn't allowed to say no. I stared at him and tried to read his expression.

"Ipangako mo sa aking hinding hindi ka lalapit o makikipag-ugnayan sa mga Zacarias. Gagawin ko naman ang lahat para hindi ka mapahamak, pero kung dumating ang araw na masalubong o makasalamuha mo sila, tandaan mo ang ginawa nila sa pamilya natin."

Hindi ko pa gaanong naintindihan iyon noon. Hindi ko kilala ang Zacarias na tinukoy ni Papa, pero naintindihan kong sila ang pamilyang gumawa nito kay Mommy. After some time, I discovered from the news how known the Zacarias were.

Lagi silang nasa balita, lalo na ang dating mayor ng Laoag na si Lavernio Juan Zacarias dahil siya na ang gobernador ng lalawigan ngayon. Ang asawa niya ang pumatay sa Mama ko. Hinding hindi ko iyon malilimutan—kaya kahit hindi ako pinagsabihan ni Papa noon, gagawin ko pa rin.

"Oh, patapos na si Contessa. Hindi man lang natin napansin," Dad noticed.

Lola smiled. "Hija, dalaga ka na at nasa tamang edad na para magliwaliw. Ayaw mo pa bang lumabas ng mansion at i-explore ang Cosmo Isle? You can even go with me on my trips abroad, now that everything's settled."

Hindi ito ang unang anyaya ni Lola sa akin. Hindi ko na nga mabilang kung pang-ilan na ba ito. Alam ko naman kasing excuse niya lang iyon para ipakilala ako sa mga apo ng amiga niya. Marami siyang kilalang mayayamang pamilya rito sa Ilocos na tiyak kong na-obserbahan na niya sa nagdaang mga taon. Siguro'y may napili na siyang "tamang" lalaki para sa akin na mayaman, kaya hinihikayat na ako ngayong lumabas.

"She's right, Contessa. You're already of legal age. It's time for you to explore the world," my father said. "You cannot stay here forever, Ziana."

Of course. I knew that, but I didn't say a word. I finished my plate and went straight to my room. Sinundan ako ni Ate Jena hanggang sa loob ng aking kwarto. Siya lang ang natatanging katulong na natira dito sa mansion mula noong sinara ni Papa ang mga pinto nito sa publiko.

Nagtanggal sila ng maraming mga trabahador, at tanging mga matatagal na lang ang pinatuloy. Saka lang si Papa naghahanap ng bago kapag nagretiro na sila. Ate Jena used to be a close apprentice of my mother; they used to weave together before. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit siya na rin ang nag-alaga sa akin.

"Contessa, hanggang kailan mo ba itatago sa kanila?" pabulong niyang tanong.

I sighed and sat on my bed.

"Magandang oportunidad na sana 'to lalo na't kaarawan mo naman. Siguro, pagbibigyan ka at maiintindihan nila—"

"Ate Jena, ilang taon mo na silang kasama rito. Huwag mo na akong subukang kumbinsihin dahil alam kong hindi iyan mangyayari," I whispered.

Truth was, I could speak all these years. I just chose to stay silent for my benefit. Hindi nila ako gagambalain, hindi nila ako makakausap, at higit sa lahat, hindi nila ako mapipilit sa gusto nila—dahil hindi nga ako sumasagot.

Bumuntong hininga na lang din si Ate Jena at naupo sa aking tabi. "Pero Contessa, kailan mo balak sabihin ang gusto mo? Malapit na ang enrollment sa Colegio de Pelaez kaya kung gusto mong makaabot, kailangan mo na silang kausapin."

"Alam ko. May plano na ako, Ate Jena," I said firmly.

She looked at me softly as if she wasn't believing my words.

"I just have to make sure of one thing."

Before I reveal my plans, I have to make sure I have a huge chance of getting the one thing left for my mother. There is no room for mistakes or hesitation; failure is not an option. I need that island in the palm of my hand, no matter what.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

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