"You don't have to say it back." Evan dropped his gaze, breaking the two away from each other. "I just wanted to say it, but you don't have to at all, sorry if-" Jonathan brings the boy in for a kiss before he begins to ramble on and on about how stupid he is. Evan melts into the kiss and is reassured that his decision was the right one.

"Evan, I really like you." Evan almost lets out a sigh of relief knowing that the boy wasn't in love with him, meaning that he got to enjoy the relationship a little bit longer. The bet still loomed over him like a storm cloud, but the skies became clear for a little while longer. Tyler never said that he couldn't fall in love, after all, even if it would absolutely destroy him. All that Tyler would worry about is if he had done won it or not. "I don't mind if you tell me you love me."

He pulls him in for another kiss, a relieving feeling filling his stomach as he runs his hands through the boy's soft brown hair. Both of their eyes are closed and Evan knows that when he says he's in love with this boy he means it. "I love you so much," Evan smiles against his lips, "you may not believe me, but I swear I love you." All he can think about is how soft Jonathan's lips are and how nice he is at kissing and dealing with his bullshit.

They pull away, and the smile refuses to leave Evan's lips. "You make everything so much better, you know that?" He buries himself against the other boy's body, feeling comfort as his boyfriend wraps his arms around him.

"How do I do that?" Jonathan's soft voice reaching Evan's ears from above his head make him smile against the boy's chest. "How do I make everything so much better, Ev?"

"You make me smile, laugh, feel something other worry. You make....make my world brighter, it doesn't look as gray as it does when you're not here, all the colors are in full saturation and then you smile at me and everything seems normal." He pauses, giving the boy who held him a peck on his lips. "You make me feel like I'm normal. That's why I love you."

----

He should be asleep. That's the only way he could describe his situation as he lays on his bed in a dark room, his eyes fixated on a white ceiling that turns dark gray because of how little moonlight there was tonight. Thoughts of earlier when he had been on the exact same bed, with him, thinking of all the things that had made him fall in love. These are not the things he should be thinking about, he should be asleep.

But a relapse never sleeps, not until you are shaking and crawling to safety and can't even remember what happiness was to you. Evan is trying not to relapse, keeping his head full of thoughts of him and his boyfriend and how much fun they had been having so far during winter break. There was one week left of winter break, and that thought made Evan realize that the end of the year was approaching, the end of the bet was slowly creeping up on him and he didn't know what he was going to do still.

Everything begins to hurt at once as he thinks about everything that could happen next, the dark part of his mind imagining the worst possible situations and he's affected so badly he has to sit up in his bed, his breath heavy even though it had only been five minutes since his torturous thoughts had begun. He couldn't make them go away as his stomach begins to ache out of worry and fear.

Before he knows it, he is shaking and tears are threatening to spill as he feels the darkness begin to sweep over him, the already dark room soon becoming a place of nightmares. He wishes for Jonathan, his sun, to come and make everything better, to make the bad feelings go away. His world turns darker than it previously was and pressure builds up on his lungs and his heavy breath turns to gasps for any amount of oxygen he can get. Anything to make him feel at least a small amount of better.

Evan realizes that it was extremely, extremely possible for everything he currently had to shatter at any possible moment. All the things that made his life bearable could so easily be ripped away from him and that made his bad feelings skyrocket and made him long for Jonathan even more. His safe haven, his hideaway. Pain spikes in his stomach, making him wince in between each gasp as time slows down around him and the room temperature seems to skyrocket into triple digits as he feels sweat gather on his forehead and the back of his neck.

He begins to count in his head, a method that Jonathan had suggested to him a few days into winter break while Evan was having a mini panic attack. Jonathan had said it may sound stupid, but it would give him something to focus on besides his troubling thoughts. Evan believed him, of course he believed him.

One, two, three....four, five, six, seven......eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen-

The method actually seems to be working, but Evan doesn't know if it works because it's a legit method or just because Jonathan suggested it to him because he cares. Well, Evan hopes that he cares.

--

It was the last Saturday of winter break, school would be starting up again on Monday. Evan was just lazing around his house in sweatpants in a t-shirt, working a bit on his essay, sleeping, eating occasionally, just being a normal teenager on winter break. He gets a text from his boyfriend around noon.

Jonathan: hey Ev, you wanna come hang out at the abandoned theater rn? I figured we should make the most of one of the last days of senior year and I don't think you've ever been here

Evan: yea sure that sounds great :)