Evan: hey, me and my friends are having a sleepover this weekend

Evan: it's at Tyler's house, and I wanted to know if you wanted to tag along

Evan: I'm not forcing you or anything, but just know u can come if u want to

Jonathan: yea I'll go :) sounds fun

Evan: sweet, see ya at school

Jonathan: see ya

Evan knew it was better to ask before school started, rather than being around his friends who would be looking over his shoulder while all Evan could do was imagine them laughing if they saw how much his hands shook as he typed, how he held his breath as he waited for a reply. He knew that they were all cheering him on, each having a role in the get together of the two teens, but only a select couple of them knew why. Evan assumed it was Tyler who wanted to keep the bet quiet, instead infecting the group's mind with the great idea of getting Evan a boyfriend for his senior year.

To be honest, Evan felt a small part of him he thankful for what Tyler had done, give him a reason to talk to Jonathan, a reason to go after what he wanted after he had spent so long ignoring it and pushing it down. If Evan was crazy, he would have even thought Tyler had done this because he knew how much Evan liked him, but he wasn't crazy, he knew that the only motive behind this cruel agreement was that Tyler wanted to prove how much charm Evan had, how Evan could wrap anyone around his finger with a smile and some good jokes.

Evan didn't always have the intentions of covering up his feelings with one night stands and alcohol, no, he used to have some common sense. He liked to believe his spiral began in eighth grade, where he started it out as happy and carefree and pushing his thoughts of Jonathan all the way down because they were unnatural and he had plenty of friends without the need for one more. He was content.

He used their groupchat everyday, always having a nagging thought that he was annoying yet he couldn't stop himself from texting. He didn't single anyone out, didn't want anyone to feel like they were lesser than anyone else in his eyes.

Then Tyler came. Or rather, a high school senior came along, and behind him came Tyler.

The senior's name was Ash, it was a nickname, but that was all Evan knew, because he never had a reason to know anything else. Except, that he was the beginning of the end. The end of the genuine Evan, who's only lie was that he liked guys, or rather, one guy. That used to be his only lie, until freshman year.

But getting back to eighth grade, where it was Tyler who singled him out. Not in an obvious way, but gradual and slow. Tyler privately texted him for nearly everything, whether it be a funny picture or a random thought just to start a conversation, he made Evan pay attention to him.

Slowly, he faded away from the groupchat, but it wasn't something that happened suddenly, it was a healthy kind of slow. Thinking back on it, Evan isn't sure if this is exactly how it happened, because it seems so absurd that such a strong friendship can grow from private, three-am conversation about favorite colors and questions about desert islands. Exchanging of hilarious pictures and smack-talking English teachers. With such a strong personality being focused on him, Evan consciously knew he was changing, but he found nothing wrong with it. In a way, he took his mind off Jonathan, who still held a prominent place in his thoughts.

He met Ash at a parent-teacher conference. Evan had volunteered to get NJHS community service hours, because he still needed three more. The job was easy, pass out cookies and treats to teachers for some odd reason and stay until 7:30. That was it. Which left the small group with quite a lot of free time, since they finished by six.

Evan had been mindlessly wandering the halls, taking a longer route to the cafeteria where he would converse with the other volunteers while they ate single serving bags of chips. Ash, only a junior at the time, saw Evan and asked him for directions to a room, it was some math class.

"Um, excuse me, do you know how I can get to room 345? I'm kinda lost." He chuckles nervously as he approaches the 13 year-old, going on 14, for directions.

Evan smiles at him, taking the map gently from his grasp. "Of course." He points to a place on the map. "You're right here, and the room your looking for is going to be back the way you came, just take a right at the stairs and it should be on your left." He hands the map back, watching the high school student study it with confusion. "Do you want me to show you?"

Sheepishly, the boy nods, allowing the younger one to guide him to where he needed to go. "So, what's your name?" He tries to make conversation with the younger boy.

"Evan. I'm in eighth grade." They walked slow on purpose it seemed, just so they could talk. "What about you?"

"I'm Ash, I'm a junior." The older boy gave him a genuine smile, and they both knew it was the beginning of a friendship.

Evan couldn't tell you how they came to the exchange of phone numbers, or the occasional text conversation and late night homework rants, but he could tell you how Ash came to be his first one night stand.

It was Evan's freshman year, Ash's senior, and he was having a really bad day. Like, abnormally bad.

First of all, he had woken up late, meaning that he wasn't going to get the chance to see Jonathan at 7:15 like usual, then after he had gotten over that he decided he still had time for a quick breakfast, until he realized that his mother hadn't gone shopping before she left. Usually Evan wouldn't be mad about this, knowing she was trying her best and that she sometimes didn't have time for things, but he was already miserable and the lack of food was not helping.

However, if that wasn't enough to ruin his day, he had to sit behind Luke and Jonathan in math class, which he never minded, but that day they just had to talk about the guy that Jonathan liked, which absolutely destroyed the boy who was already having a bad day and was in a bad mood. But, he tried his best to block it out before his mood could spiral down even more.

The period right before lunch, fifteen minutes before he could eat to be precise, Evan actually felt he was going to have a breakdown in the middle of class. He was in history and the teacher had just handed back their essays.

67. Evan had failed. He actually wanted to cry, he wanted to put his head down onto the desk and cry because that paper was the last straw for him, absolutely nothing could make that day worse for him. Except Tyler. Who sat next to him and immediately pulled out his phone as soon as Evan got his paper back. No pitiful statements such as 'dude, that sucks, sorry' or 'maybe you can re-do it?' You know, something a normal friend would do on a regular day. But, alas, today was the day that the universe hated him.

Evan had shoved the paper into his bag, not wanting to look at it anymore as he spent the rest of class trying not to cry. Tyler stayed glued to his phone. Evan wanted to scream.

Finally, finally, lunch came around, and Evan had never felt more relieved to be in a cafeteria. He was still on the verge of a breakdown, but he figured he needed to put on a smile for his friends' sake. Even if his day was terrible, he wanted theirs to be great

Everything had been going smoothly, until Tyler showed up, late as usual. He smiled as he sat down. "So, I see you're over that history paper." It was a simple sentence, but it upset Evan so much. "That's great, I thought you were gonna be really upset about it."

"What paper?" Craig had asked, unaware of what was happening as Evan stayed silent, trying to ignore Tyler. His stomach aches with hunger since Evan had been waiting for Tyler so they could get their food.

"Oh." Tyler said without so much as glancing at Evan. "Our history teacher handed us back our essays and Evan failed. Glad he's not taking it to heart though." Evan was holding back so much emotion as he tried to think of a joke or something witty and funny and topic-changing to say. "Evan, you are over it, right? It wasn't a big deal." The annoyed tone of his voice is what really bothered the upset teen.

Evan exploded. "Not a big deal? Tyler. I failed. It was an easy assignment and I fucking failed. I'm a failure, Tyler! Don't you see that?" He snapped, feeling a bit better after letting out some of that anger, meanwhile the others were surprised by his outburst, it had been very out of character for him to lash out about something that seemed so small. Could they not tell how bad Evan's day had been? Was he that good at being fake happy?

"You're overreacting, Ev. It's just a grade, I'm sure it's going to drown in your sea of A's anyway." Tyler rolls his eyes, seeming to think Evan was overreacting. "Besides, it's probably going to get dropped at the end of the grading period anyway."

"That's not the point-"

"It's just a grade, quit being such a baby!" Tyler snapped.

"It's not just a fucking grade!" Evan's voice cracked, and the horrible day he was having seemed to collapse on him, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Abruptly, he stood up and left the cafeteria, not wanting to have his inevitable meltdown around his friends.

Ash must have seen him storming down the hall, because somehow he ended up walking next to the freshman.

"Hey, I'll catch you guys later." Evan could barely register the familiar voice, too focused on trying not to cry during school, even if it was just lunch. "Hey, Ev. You okay?" Ash's voice comforted him from his left side as he nodded numbly, not wanting to explain. "You're obviously not, here, why don't we skip the rest of the day?" Evan didn't want to, yet he still nodded because he trusted him.

"Okay." He replied weakly as Ash wrapped an arm around him, leading him out to his car, a white Chevrolet Cruze, opening and closing the door for the freshman before climbing into the driver seat.

"We'll go to my place, nobody should be ho-Hey, are you crying?" Ash pulls the car to the side of the road five minutes into the drive, seeing Evan holding his face in his hands, shoulders shaking as the boy finally let his sobs be audible. "It's okay, Evan, it's okay. Come here." He said, awkwardly wrapping the boy into a hug, which only caused him to sob louder, his cries becoming more pained than before. "You had a bad day, didn't you?" Evan nodded against his shoulder.

"It was awful." Evan admitted, still crying. "The world just hates me, Ash. Hates me."

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Evan. How about this, we go back to my place, I make some frozen pizzas and we can relax, okay? You're stressed, you need a break." Once Evan calms down and nods his agreement, the duo is back on the road, Evan calming himself down with breathing exercises that Ash was teaching him along the way. The drive was short, since Evan could barely remember it by the time they arrived.

"My room is the first door on your left, I'm gonna get the frozen pizzas cooking in the oven, okay?" Evan nodded as Ash pointed to a hallway, the carpet underfoot silencing the small steps he took, his backpack hanging off his shoulders.

Forty five minutes later the two boys were sat on Ash's bed, eating the pizza and talking about anything that came to mind. Evan laughed and smiled, his thoughts drifting back to how easy it had been to fake his happiness at lunch. How easy it was to fake everything. He liked that, so he tested it at that very second.

When Ash asked him if he was feeling better, he nodded and Ash didn't look skeptical for so much as a second. It hurt him slightly that the senior didn't notice his facade, but at the same time it fueled him, realizing that he didn't need to always be a real happy. After a certain point in their conversation, Evan couldn't stop smiling and laughing.

Forty five minutes had turned to an hour, then two hours, then Ash introduced the freshman to the relieving world of alcohol, or specifically, vodka.

At first, Evan had scrunched up his face at the bitter taste, Ash had laughed as he downed a glass of his own. Evan suddenly felt insecure in the presence of the older boy, and soon downed his own glass, ignoring the urge to cough it up. The next two glasses after that were easy.

Evan smiled, head slightly fuzzy from the three drinks he had consumed, and he tilted his head at Ash, who glanced between his eyes and his lips. Evan, who was innocent at the time, didn't think anything of it until Ash pulled the younger boy on top of him, their lips connecting and soon beginning to move in-sync. The freshman had never done this before, but soon his fingers were curled into the senior's soft light brown hair, his other hand running along the side of his torso.

When they pulled away, Evan began to realize that it had been his first kiss. His first kiss, and he was drunk and sad. His first kiss and it hadn't been with the only boy he had ever wanted it to be with.

"I'm sorry, Evan. I just stole your first kiss, I'm sorry. You were saving it for Jonathan and I-" Evan cut him off with another kiss, coming to a realization in the few seconds he had been given to think about what had happened. So what if his first kiss wasn't with Jonathan? What did it matter? It had been years, he hadn't even spoken to Jonathan, that was never going to happen. Besides, kissing Ash made him feel better, because he felt nothing. That's all he ever wanted. To make himself feel nothing.

After a few more kisses, both boys were panting, their shirts off and their pants unbuckled but still on. "Me and Jonathan? Trust me, that's just a pipe dream." Evan spoke bitterly, breaking the facade he had about feeling better and feeling happy.

Ash sat up, forcing the boy on top of him to sit up as well. "Evan I can't do this. Not that I don't want to, trust me, I do, but I can't. You should wait for Jonathan, I know it's going to happen, Evan. Don't give up on him, you've liked him for this long, don't throw that away, Evan. Don't ruin yourself like this." Ash looked into the buzzed eyes of the freshman, who stared back steadily, thoughts swarming through his head.

They could stop, put their shirts back on, Ash could drive him home and the only thing that would have happened is that Evan would have lost the chance to have his first kiss with Jonathan, the boy he actually liked.

Or, they could continue. Evan pushed Ash back down, connecting their lips. They could forget the shirts, Ash could shut up and just let Evan worry about leaving, and Evan could lose a lot more than having the chance to have his first kiss with Jonathan. "This is high school," he spoke as they pulled away, his eyes showing no emotion for the boy underneath him. "I'm supposed to ruin myself."