17. deathless & destined to dissipate


I think I'm dying.

It's quite comical how we're all going to die one day. The way we decide how much our life is worth in this narrow range of moments between birth and death. Death will come to everyone, to everything. That is the mortal law.

In actuality, however, we are immortal.

Our essence lives on. We may die and decompose but we are deathless. Because if you look at it cautiously enough, we are not as small as we think we are. Not as small as physics tells us we are.

In truth, we are not defined by our names at all.

We are not the color of our skin or hair, or the size of clothes we wear, or the dimples on our cheeks, or the creases on our forehead.

In truth, we are all the books we've read, the songs we've sung out loud, the sights we've seen, the smiles we hide, the tears we cry, we are what we aspire to be, what we struggle for, that passion, that fire. Everything that we wake up every morning for. Everything that doesn't let us sleep at night.

We live in these tiny, fragile moments. We are these tiny, fragile moments. So miniscule it slips from our eyes like it was never there. But it is what our entire worth, our entire lifetime is condensed into.

Tiny packets of definitions resonated by vibrations in a crystal. Time is a complicated little thing. It's fleeting, but it's endless. Because a glass can either be half empty or half full.

But the whole conversation culminates to one ultimate thing, we are alive.

Our essence lives on, our scent lives on. In someone's heart, at the back of someone's mind. A faint whiff of your fragrance, the color of your cashmere scarf, even decades later will bring you and your warmth pouring down on that person as if you never left.

Because to them, it's not just an outworn lilac cashmere scarf. It's your scarf, the one you wrapped around the honey colored skin on your freckled cheeks when the cold clouds descended down in tiny flakes incandescing against the blue of your eyes.

To them, it's not just a bridge lying on top of a lake in the middle of autumn. It is the magnificent auburn of your eyes sparkling at the sight of the tiny ripples in the lake, dyed in the vintage hues of autumn, brown and crisp, as your sunshine soaked hair danced to the rhythm of the dry wind.

It's that evening, that fall, that september.

It's such a pity, you can be somebody's most gorgeous moment without even noticing.

However, things deviated from normality when it came to you in particular. Sometimes you stood still in the middle of your path and thought to yourself, am I even real? Do I exist? Am I just like them? The crowd around you seems to move faster as you stand still in your trance.

And it came to you, harsh and unrelenting, when you saw familiar titian curls in the middle of the street. Mikoto-san. An old chum of yours. She was as gorgeous and as lively as ever. Her pony tail twirling with the same energy as it did back when you first met her in the busy markets of Kumogakure.

You had hit off so well as soon as you two met and decided to travel to Iwa together. Together, you sat under the dark night sky and gazed at stars and talked the night away. She talked about her past and you, because you did not have one, talked about the future instead.

You found a home in her. The very first time had you sensed familiarity in a voice.

So when you saw her again, standing only a few feet away, you couldn't help but run over and embrace her, muttering a string of 'miko chan, how have you been? I missed you so much'. But you froze the second she pushed you away and blinked,

"Um, sorry, eh, do I know you?" She asked.

It had only been a few months and she had forgotten all about you. She could not even recall your face.

"Huh, you already forgot? We - we met in kumo, we travelled together? Don't you remember?" Your voice cracked.

"Um, sorry buddy, I think you've got the wrong person, hehe. Happens all the time, no worries." She giggled and patted your back reassuringly, "Besides, if I had met such a pretty girl before I'm sure I won't forget it ever. Have a nice day."

Happens all the time.

And then she left. Like everyone else.  Her head getting smaller and smaller as she walked away. You stood there, confused.

It must be a coincidence, you thought. But it happened far too often. Everyone you ever acquainted yourself with, forgot about you as soon as you left. It was like you were never there to begin with.

Everyone you met on your path, everyone you shared your smiles with, simply refused to acknowledge your existence one day. It was an anomaly.

At this point, you were sure that there was something very strange happening to you. You were consistently being washed away. It baffled you, it was as though you were born to be a vagabond. As though you weren't born at all, just miraculously appeared out of nowhere. A mismatched puzzle piece.

"I think I'm dying." You muttered quietly, inhaling the fresh feeling of the dark clouds overhead.

"Hm?" Kakashi gazed into your eyes, the ones that pulled you into an abyss, much like a black hole, "Are you okay? You look down."

You smiled, looking down at your feet, "yeah, just a little tired."

He held your hand and tightened his grip around it reassuringly.

"Let's go home." He smiled.

You blinked, 'home'?

As you began to make your way back, anxiety started tugging at your hem. You paused between your tracks, "Kakashi, I think you'll forget me one day."

He stared at you, his eyes confused at first but then crinkling at your random statement.

"You think?" He smiled, lowering his head to match your level. You nodded.

He ruffled your hair playfully, "I think for that to happen, I'd have to let you go first. Don't even think about leaving me, understood?"

That's when the dark cumulonimbus clouds started roaring and your eyes widened simultaneously, you gasped as cold droplets began to dwindle down on you as you began to hasten your steps.

In that moment he turned around, his hair wet with water, sticking to his gorgeous face. A sight that humbled you, "Besides, I don't think there'll ever be a time in my life when I see the rain falling and not think of you."

A smile formed on your face, as you heaved a long sigh, still running, your feet creating ripples in the puddles of water beneath.

By the time you reached home, you were both soaking wet. As Kakashi fiddled with the lock, you gazed at your reflection in the mirror.

Your heart pounded against your ribs as you looked at yourself, for moment, you could've sworn your eyes were glowing. Golden like the last rays of sun, seering.

You blinked.

"I think I'm fading—"

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Hello, Freya here!

I'm so so so so so so so soooo sorry for taking forever to update if you were actually invested in this book lol. I actually thought this was boring and ppl did not want to read it so I abandoned it sksksk But your comments really inspired me to update it lol. I'm a lazy bean.

Plus, it's a rainy day today,
The book is only 2,4 chapters away from its end so I might as well just get done with it.
Also excuse me if my writing has gotten rusty I haven't written in a year! Also I did not reread it, just had two hours and decided to go for it.

Thank you so much for reading! Please do leave comments before leaving and I'll respond to all of them :D

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