Chapter 51

"Karma, anak," I heard Ate Gina said from outside. "Alam ko na sinabi mo na ayaw mo ng kausap, pero tatlong araw ka ng hindi lumalabas d'yan sa kwarto mo. Pinapunta ko na rito si Dominic."

"I'm right here," narinig ko na sabi niya. "You know I don't like the blame game, but you shouldn't have read those comments."

I held the pillow closer to my chest. Why was I so affected by the comments? Most of them were not true—not in the slightest. But they were truths there... I did date Austin. And I did date Ryder. Pero hindi naman sila sabay. And I was honest with both of them.

I knew I should not care, but I did care. This all felt different—this whole caring thing. When did I start caring about what other people think?

"I brought food. Can you unlock the door?"

"It's not locked," I said.

"Okay... Well, can I open the door?"

Tumayo ako at saka binuksan iyong pinto. I still did not like other people in my room. I felt like this was my sanctuary, and I really did not like it when someone invades my place.

"Well, you look like shit. Ano'ng ginawa mo ng tatlong araw?"

"I read comments. Ang dami pala nila. And I learned new sites. Do you know that there are sites dedicated sa mga chismis tungkol sa mga artista? And there are blind items, too."

"Yeah... That's the sucky part of showbiz, I guess," sabi ni Dominic. "But you seriously read all comments?"

I nodded. It's like there's this force. Once I started, I could not stop. And even if I knew that I should stop because that's what's right, I couldn't. I couldn't consciously step backward.

"I'm so sorry," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I know how it feels to be on the other end, and it doesn't feel nice at all," sabi ni Dominic.

"There was this one comment saying na magkaklase daw kami nung high school. I think she was telling the truth dahil totoo iyong iba niyang kwento. And then people started to call me retard and creepy."

Dominic's mouth parted. Ate Gina started to speak in Ilocano. Wala akong naintindihan sa sinabi niya. I felt my stomach grumbling kaya naman bumaba na ako. For three days, I survived by eating my granola bars and the biscuits in my room. Nagkasya din iyong isang malaking lalagyan ko ng tubig. But I was hungry. I wanted to eat rice and sinampalukan.

Binuksan ko iyong kawali.

"Kailan ka magluluto ng sinampalukan?" I asked.

"Gusto mo ba?" I nodded. "Teka lang at iluluto ko. Mag-usap muna kayong magbest friend d'yan," she said and then hurriedly went to the dirty kitchen.

Tumingin ako kay Dominic. "Ano'ng dala mong pagkain?"

"Donut. You want to eat it before sinampalukan?"

I nodded. "Gutom na ako."

Pumunta kami sa may garden. The fresh air felt so nice. Tatlong araw na nasa kwarto lang ako. My eyes also began to hurt at one point dahil sa tuluy-tuloy na pagbabasa ko sa screen. It was like... an addiction that needed to be fed. I was actually thankful that Dominic came. Kung hindi siya dumating ay baka kung ano na naman ang binabasa ko.

"This one's from Zo," he said as he placed a small strawberry cake. "Sorry daw."

"Why is she apologizing?"

"Because she thinks it started with the vlog."

"No, it actually started with the stolen photos sa shooting ni Ryder," I said. It was the oldest post tungkol sa akin. Pinaka-maraming comment ay iyong sa event na kasama ko si Austin. Someone got a shot na nasa gitna ako ni Austin at ni Ryder. From that photo, kung saan-saan na naka-rating iyong kwento.

"How are you?" he asked. "I'm sorry I know you don't like being asked this, but I'm just really worried. Ganito ka rin nung kay Austin."

I looked at him. "Do you think I'm creepy and weird?"

"What? No!" mabilis na sabi niya. "Seriously, Karaminah, don't believe what those Internet cowards say—they're just mad because they're jealous. Imagine getting both Austin and Ryder? They can never."

I sighed and then bit on the donut. Kung isa lang iyong nagsabi, hindi ako maniniwala. But it was hundreds of comments saying the same thing.

"When did I start to care?" I asked. "If this happened when I was in first year, I really would not care. At all."

Dominic tousled my hair. It was already messy to begin with. "Because you're growing and maturing and all that shit," he said. "Now that you know you care, the next thing you should practice is to dissect—you can't listen to them all, okay? You only choose the people you'd listen to, otherwise, you'd drown in all the noise."

"Paano ko malalaman kung kanino ako makikinig?"

He shrugged. "You listen to the people who genuinely want what's best for you and who are rooting for your success."

"Like my parents?"

"Yes... and Ate Gina and Kuya Robert and you know..." He paused and then cleared his throat. "Me, your best friend."

I smiled. "Okay."

"So, you feel better na?"

"Yes."

"Good. But seriously, try not to read those comments. Or if you feel like you're being pulled to read them, just shoot a text and pupuntahan kita or namin ni Zo, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay."

Ate Gina forced Dominic na kumain din ng lunch. I asked him kung nasaan si Zo and he said she was busy unboxing things she ordered abroad. After lunch ay inaya ako ni Dominic na magpunta sa coffee shop para bumili ng coffee.

"Bakit pala nakapagkulong ka ng tatlong araw? I thought simula na ng shoot niyo?"

"Ryder said na kung nandoon ako, hindi siya magsu-shoot."

Umawang ang labi ni Dominic. "What—seriously?" I nodded. "What a fucking loser," he said. "Wala bang ibang pwede?"

"George really likes his approach of the character."

"Sure, but you're the writer! He seriously thinks he can just kick you out?"

"I was already kicked out."

"Oh, wow. So, that's just it? You're kicked out of your own freaking script?"

I nodded. I planned to talk to George, but I did not think it would help. Once she's set on something, that's it. And I was the one who introduced Ryder to the production. It's my doing. And I could still watch the film kapag tapos na iyong production. My only responsibility was with the script at tapos ko naman na iyon. I was basically done with my degree at this point.

While I was drinking my coffee, Dominic just ranted about what a fragile ego Ryder had and how unprofessional he was. And then I noticed someone taking my photo. Napa-tingin din si Dominic doon at kinuha na iyong gamit namin. Nang papalabas na kami ay bigla siyang huminto sa table nung mga babae na mukhang high school students pa.

"Hi," Dominic said with a small smile. "I noticed you taking photos of me and my friend. I would just like to inform you the both of her parents are lawyers, and I honestly do not think they'd appreciate you taking her photo without her consent," he added. "Have a great day."

Dumiretso na kami palabas at saka pumasok sa sasakyan niya.

"You didn't have to do that," I told him.

"Yeah, but that's what best friends are for," he replied as he drove from the coffee shop. "Also, if I may ask, now that you and Ryder are finally over, do you have any plans with Austin?"

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "Nothing. I mean... I know the situation sucked before, but surely you two already learned from it."

I remained silent for a minute. "I'll actually email him about BV."

"Why? Is he sick?"

"No, but I think he misses Cohen."

"Then bakit si Austin ang ieemail mo and not Cohen?"

"I'll email Cohen."

He laughed. "Email Austin."

"I'll think about it."

"Email mo na."

"I kind of shouted at him the last time we talked."

"I'm sure he's over it already," Dominic replied. "And I'm even more sure that he's worried about you. Give him a call or something."

"Okay."

Nagpasalamat ako kay Dominic nang ihatid niya ako pabalik sa bahay. Pagpasok ko ay nakita ko si BV. I drew a deep breath, and sent an email to Austin about BV. He quickly replied, and asked kung okay lang ba na pumunta siya.

And twenty minutes later, he was right outside of the house. He was wearing a dark blue denim pants, white fitted shirt, and white converse shoes. He looked particularly clean today.

"Hi," he said. "Oh, hi," sabi niya kay BV na buhat ko.

I opened the gate. Pumasok siya sa loob. Ate Gina looked so happy to see him at agad siyang tinanong kung ano ang gusto niyang meryenda. Austin said that he'll have anything. Tapos ay pinapunta niya kami sa may garden. BV quickly settled on Austin's lap.

"You really are the favorite."

Napa-tingin si Austin kay BV. "I took care of him when he was still a baby," sabi niya. "I'm sure he'll adjust."

"Baka magka-depression siya dito. Pwede ba siyang bumalik sa inyo na lang?" I asked.

"Yes, but I think you should give him more time to adjust. And Blue's here."

Napa-tingin ako kay Blue na biglang nawala at iniwan kami. He's probably on the second floor at naka-tingin na naman sa mga dumadaan.

"Okay," I said. "I'll give it a week. I'll email you again kung hindi bubuti iyong sitwasyon."

I was staring at the pool as I basked in the silence between us. And then I heard him calling my name.

"Karaminah," he said. I looked at him. His face looked serious. "Are... you okay?"

"Yes," I replied. I was already feeling better because Dominic visited me. Had he asked earlier, I would have said that I was not okay.

"Good," he said. "I was really worried."

"Why?"

"I'm always worried."

"Why?"

"Do I need to have a reason?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "But thanks for worrying about me. And also, I'm sorry for getting you dragged into this mess. My sincerest apologies."

"No need to apologize," sabi niya. Tumingin ulit ako sa pool, but even when I was doing that, I felt him staring at me. He was staring the whole time hanggang sa dumating na iyong meryenda namin na banana cue and orange juice. I began eating. He was still staring.

"Do you need something?" I asked.

He drew a deep breath. "Is it true?" he asked. "That... you and Ryder are over?"

I nodded. "Yes," I replied as I began to eat my banana cue. I quietly ate it. Nang mapa-tingin ako sa kanya ay naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. Ni hindi pa niya nagagalaw iyong banana cue niya.

"Really?" he asked.

"Really what?"

"You're really done with him?"

I nodded. "I told him last Sunday na we should stop dating," I said. "I'm still hungry. Hihiningi lang ako ng banana cue," sabi ko at saka pumunta ako sa kusina para kumuha ng banana cue pa. Pagbalik ko ay ganoon pa rin ang itsura niya kagaya nang iniwan ko siya kanina.

Naubos ko na iyong pangalawang banana cue ko pero hindi pa rin nagagalaw ni Austin iyong banana cue niya.

"Ayaw mo ba?" I asked.

"I'll eat it, I promise," he replied. "So... you're single."

"Yes." He smiled. It was so wide. His teeth are really nice. I'd always been fascinated with his teeth. "Why are you smiling?" I asked. "Are you wearing veneers?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. "No," he replied. "Karaminah Viel," he said.

"Yes?" I said.

"I know the problem before was that I was not able to communicate what I wanted, and like you, I am working on it," he said. "So... I just want to tell you what I want."

I stared at him and waited sa kung anuman ang sasabihin niya. He clasped his hands together. He was staring at me. The sun was already beginning to set. The sky was a beautiful mixture of blue and purple.

"I want to date you again. And I know you just ended things with Ryder and you probably need time... but I honestly feel like we wasted enough time already. And I'm really sure that I still feel the same—if not more. I just really want you back. That's what I want."

I began to hear my heart beating again.

Kinakabahan ako.

"What if you hurt me again?"

"What if I don't?" he asked back.

I did not want to go through that again if I could... but I knew that me not getting hurt was next to impossible. I write about this. I knew hurting is a part of loving. But writing about it is way different than experiencing it. And when I experienced it, I felt all these raw emotions that just took over even when I didn't know that what I was feeling was this thing called pain.

Austin could do that to me.

He has that power over me—did he know that? Was he aware of the hold he has of me?

"We'll do it better this time," he said.

I looked at him. "Can you promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"If you want to leave me again, please don't do it on Christmas season," I said. "It's my favorite holiday," I continued as I smiled at him. "But yes, let's try again."

**
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