Chapter 49

Nagtext ako kay Kuya Robert na sunduin niya ako sa isang coffee shop kung saan ako dumiretso paglakabas ko ng fire exit. I was not very familiar with the place, but I did not want to go back in. My head began to physically ache nang magtapat sina Austin at Ryder. I just wanted to go home.

Pagdating ni Kuya Robert na umuwi na kami. I saw Ryder's text. I sighed and opened it.

'Where are you?'

'On my way home.'

'With Austin?'

'No.'

He left me on read tapos ay hindi na siya nagreply pa. I put my phone back inside my bag. I wanted to sleep because I still felt my brain aching, but I knew I should not be sleeping habang nasa sasakyan. Kaya naman pagdating ko sa bahay ay dumiretso na ako sa kwarto ko. I took a shorter bath than usual. I did not dry my hair. I just wanted to sleep.

I woke up earlier than usual dahil mas maaga akong natulog. Nang bumaba ako ay wala pang tao. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and toasted bread and put butter on it tapos ay tahimik akong kumain. I put my plates back in the sink tapos ay umakyat ako sa itaas. I played with Blue and BV. They seemed like they were in a better mood. That's good.

Pagbalik ko sa kwarto ay binuksan ko na iyong laptop. I saw two emails from George about the shoot details and one e-mail about the last revision she needed from me from scenes 38 and 53. I quietly did that the whole morning.

'Why?' I replied to Dominic's text nang kuhanin ko iyong cellphone ko at makita ko na may message siya sa akin sa Whatsapp.

'Bahay ka lang ba?'

'Yes. Nagsulat ako buong umaga. I don't go online,' I replied, pertaining to his first message na tinatanong kung online ba ako.

'Okay I'll go there.'

Nag-okay lang ako kay Dominic tapos ay bumaba na ako. Pagbaba ko ay naka-tingin sa akin nang sabay sina Ate Gina at Kuya Robert. I stared at them, too. They smiled at me nang sabay.

"Ano'ng ulam?" I asked because the writing marathon made me hungry.

"May sinampalukan na paborito mo," Ate Gina replied.

I quietly ate kahit na nakikita ko na naka-tingin silang dalawa sa akin. When I would catch them looking at me, ngingiti sa akin si Ate Gina at lalagyan ng pa kanin iyong plato ko.

"Busog na ako," I said as she tried to put another serving of rice on my plate. Naka-tatlo na ako. I was so full. I didn't think I could even drink water at this point without ending up with vomitting everything.

"Dessert, gusto mo?"

I shook my head. "May kailangan pa akong tapusin," sabi ko pero bago pa man ako maka-akyat ay tinanong ako ni Ate Gina kung ano ang gusto kong meryenda. I told her that Dominic was on his way and Dominic liked banana cue, so she should prepare that.

Pagbalik na sana ako sa kwarto ko nang may magdoorbell. Lumabas ako dahil akala ko ay si Dominic na iyon. Nang buksan ko ang pinto ay si Austin ang nandoon.

"Hi," he said, looking directly into my eyes.

"Hi," I replied.

I counted inside my head as I waited for him to tell me why he was here. Naka-rating na ako sa fifty, pero naka-tingin lang siya sa akin.

"Karaminah," he said.

"Yes?" I replied, wanting him to tell me what he wanted from me and for him to stop saying my name every time.

"I know you said you don't use social media anymore..."

"Hindi na nga. Bakit?"

He drew a deep breath. He licked his lower lip. He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Did... Ryder contact you?"

"I don't know," I replied because Ryder texts me and my phone was on airplane mo. I just did not want to talk to him. Kapag nabasa ko na mayroong text siya ay mapipilitan akong magreply.

Napa-tingin ako sa likuran niya nang huminto iyong sasakyan ni Dominic. Imbes na bumukas iyong pinto ay ibinaba niya lang iyong salamin niya.

"Hey," sabi niya. Tumingin si Austin sa kanya. "Are you here because of why I think you're here?" he asked and Austin nodded. I had no idea what they were talking about. "Bye, Karaminah!" sabi ni Dominic tapos ay itinaas ulit iyong salamin habang nagda-drive siya paalis.

Naka-kunot ang noo ko sa pangyayari.

"What was that?" I asked Austin.

"There were just... pictures online."

"What pictures?" I asked again. My phone was upstairs. And I still needed to create an account. At hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ang hahanapin ko.

"From yesterday," he replied. "And then some from a shooting... And then from way before."

"I don't understand," I said.

"People online are saying that you're his secret girlfriend... and some other things."

"But I am not his secret girlfriend," I replied. I was not his girlfriend. We were just dating.

"Probably," sabi niya. "But he's never posted about you."

"It's because of his work," I told him because Ryder already mentioned this to me before. I understood how show business works. Mayroon siyang ka-love team. It's how it is.

"Yes, but—" sabi niya at natigilan siyang muli nang may huminto na van. Mabilis na bumukas iyon at nakita ko si Ryder. He was looking at me and then at Austin.

"Karma," sabi ni Ryder. "Can we talk?" he asked.

"Okay," I replied. Tumingin ako kay Austin at nagpaalam bago ako sumakay sa sasakyan ni Ryder. He told his driver to drive to the end of the street tapos ay huminto roon. Lumabas iyong driver at naiwan kaming dalawa. He stared at me for a full minute before he sighed.

"I'm guessing he was there to talk to you about the pictures," he said.

"Yes," I replied.

"He knows that we're dating—" sabi niya at saka napa-hinto. "Never mind," he added. Umayos siya ng upo at saka tumingin sa akin. He held both of my hands. "Karma..." he called. I sat quietly and stared back at him. "My management told me that I needed to release a statement saying that the rumors aren't true and that we're just together because of the film we're shooting. You... you understand why I have to do it, right?"

He told me about this before.

It made sense.

It's his work—I did not want to interfere with his work.

"Yes."

Nagpakawala siya ng malalim na hininga. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa mga kamay ko. "Thank God," sabi niya tapos ay niyakap ako nang mahigpit. "Thank you for being so understanding," he added. "I'm so thankful you don't use social media. It's full of freaking trolls."

"Those are your fans," I said. He earns because of them. He should be thankful.

"Yes, but still, they should know when the work stops and life begins. I could never fully live without them feeling the need to interfere," sabi niya sa akin. Bahagyang naka-kunot ang noo niya. I did not answer because I did not agree.

I stayed inside the van. Pinabasa niya sa akin iyong statement na ginawa ng management niya. He asked for my permission before he posted it. Nang ma-post na iyon ay inihatid niya ako pabalik sa bahay and told me na may shooting na siya, but that he'd see me this Sunday para sa shoot sa film ko.

Nang maka-alis na siya ay pumasok na ako sa bahay. Agad akong napa-hinto nang makita ko si Austin doon. May pagkain sa harapan niya. Nandoon si Ate Gina sa tabi niya. Agad na napa-tayo si Austin nang makita ako.

"Ate Gina made me—"

"Ang init-init sa labas kasi kanina e nakita ko!" Ate Gina said, not letting Austin finish his sentence. "Maiwan ko muna kayo at titignan ko lang iyong labada," she continued and left us alone.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"It's fine," I replied. "BV is upstairs kung gusto mo siyang makita, ibababa ko."

"Yes," sagot niya. "But..." he trailed off. "Are you okay?"

"Why won't I be okay?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. "I... don't know."

"Then why are you asking?"

He drew a deep breath again. "I just thought because of the pictures and the things people say online."

"Those people do not know me, so why would I care about what they say?" tanong ko sa kanya. Bata pa lang ako ay kung anu-ano na ang sinasabi sa akin ng mga tao. I knew I was different than most, but they did not understand that. To them, I was just weird. They were not interested to understand the reason why—all they cared about was what they see at face value. I tried to explain at first, but they were just hearing and not listening. People would think what they wanted to think. Why would I exhaust myself from trying to change that?

"What will he do?" he asked.

"He release a statement about it saying that we're just friends."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

"Why?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. He looked at me. There was this expression on his face. "I just... feel like it's unfair."

"Why is it unfair?"

"That he's denying and hiding you and you're just okay with it."

"Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko? To throw a tantrum? He explained to me the situation and I understood," I told him.

"Yes but—" sabi niya at napa-tigil. "And those pictures... you're always going to his shooting."

"Because he asked me to go there."

"It feels unfair."

"How is it unfair, Austin?"

"I don't know."

"He told me what he wanted from me and I'm giving it to him."

"Why couldn't you do this before?"

"I was trying," I replied. "But you didn't wait and you told me you wanted to be just friends."

Namula iyong paligid ng mga mata niya. Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin. But even with that position, I still saw how quickly the water around his eyes formed.

"I was tired and I didn't think things through," he said in a much lower voice. "I regret everything I said."

Hindi ako nagsalita. Ano ang isasagot ko sa sinabi niya? I regretted it, too, but it was meant to happen. It did happen because it was meant to happen.

"Austin," I said. He looked at me. Mabilis niyang pinunasan iyong gilid ng mata niya kahit wala pa namang luha na tumu-tulo. His nose was reddish. "Do you want to be friends or not?" I asked. "You told me you don't want to be my friend, pero lagi pa rin kitang nakikita."

He smiled a little. "I just... can't help but gravitate towards you."

"Ryder feels uncomfortable na kasama kita," I told him. I already decided to limit my contact with Austin, but I figured he needed to know para hindi siya mag-isip kung bakit hindi ko siya kinakausap masyado. "He didn't ask me na iwasan ka. I voluntarily told him that I would limit my contact."

His forehead creased. "Can... I ask why?"

"Because I wanted to consider his feelings."

"At my expense?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because we're dating," I said. "I know I didn't consider your feelings before. I learned from that mistake already. I don't want to do that again. I'm trying to do it right this time. I hope you understand."

His lips parted. He tried to say something, but he ended up saying nothing. Sabay kaming napa-tingin kina Blue at BV na bumaba ng hagdan. BV went to Austin's feet and settled there. He crouched down and patted BV's head.

"I missed you, too," he told him. Tumayo siyang muli at tumingin sa akin. He smiled, but it looked forced. "Okay," he said.

"Okay what?"

"If you don't want to talk to me because of his feelings, fine," sabi niya sa akin. "To be completely honest, I fucking hate this," dugtong niya at napaawang ang labi ko dahil unang beses niya lang magmura sa harapan ko. "I like you, Karaminah Viel—I like you a lot still... but you're driving me insane. Can't you give me another chance?"

It took me a few seconds, but I shook my head.

"Why not?"

"I just don't want to."

"But with Ryder, it's fine?"

"I needed to try again."

"Why not with me?"

I bit the insides of my lower lip. "Because."

"Because what?"

"Because what you did before hurt and I don't want to get hurt again, so please leave before I cry in front of you," sabi ko bago nagmamadaling umakyat because I was feeling that familiar feeling that he made me feel when he told me that night that he wanted to be just friends. 

**
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