Chapter 46

"Hey," sabi ni Dominic kay Austin na naka-tingin sa amin. Austin smiled and approached us. He looked at me for one second, nodded at me, and then looked back at Dominic. "What brings you here?" he asked.

"Transcript."

"You're studying again?"

"Not yet decided," he replied. Tumingin muli sa akin si Austin. "Nice to see you," he said before he said goodbye. He didn't even finish his first step when Dominic called his name. Napa-tigil siya at humarap muli sa amin.

"Busy?" Dominic asked.

"Not really," Austin replied.

"We're going to get ice cream. Do you want to come?" Tumingin sa akin si Austin. "Karma, Austin's asking without words if it's alright with you that he'd join us?"

"Sure," sagot ko dahil hindi naman ako ang may-ari ng ice cream shop sa may tabi ng College of Education.

We began to walk. No one was talking. It was such a nice afternoon dahil hindi mataas iyong araw. Hindi masyadong mainit. Hindi rin masyadong malakas iyong hangin. May mga nagja-jog sa oval na nakaka-salubong kami.

"What's up with you?" Dominic asked.

"Nothing much," he replied.

"Work?" Dominic asked.

"Sure."

"Girlfriend?"

"No girlfriend," he said. Tumingin sa akin si Dominic. He grinned. My forehead creased at what he did. Napa-tingin si Austin sa akin dahil sa nangyari. Kumunot din ang noo niya. And then he cleared his throat. "You?" he asked me.

"Me?" I replied.

"I have a girlfriend," sabi ni Dominic.

Austin shook his head for a second and then we continued to walk in silence. Pagdating namin sa may ice cream shop ay maraming tao. Dominic volunteered to buy the ice cream for us habang nasa labas kami at naghihintay.

"How are you?" Austin asked after a minute of full silence.

"I'm fine," I replied. "You?"

"Good."

Wala ulit nagsalita sa amin.

"How's BV?" I asked.

"I don't know," he replied. "I left him at the house, so that you could go visit."

"I don't visit," I said.

"Oh," he replied.

And then there was silence again.

He put his hands inside his pocket. Was it possible that he grew taller than the last time I saw him? Or was it because of the hair? His curly hair wasn't as long as before. He looked more professional now.

"You should visit," sabi ni Austin. "Or do you want to get BV's custody?" he asked. "Cohen's the only one staying there with our parents."

"Hindi ba malulungkot si Violet?"

"Violet died."

Agad akong napa-tingin sa kanya.

"I went home. We had a small funeral. It was... nice."

"Bakit hindi ko alam?"

"You specifically asked me not to talk to you for at least a year."

I looked at the people passing right in front of us again. I did ask him that... I figured that I'd need at least a year to be okay again. But it had been more than a year.

"Where is she buried?"

"In Tagaytay."

"Pwede ba akong pumunta roon?"

"Sure. I'll email you the address. Is it the same email?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said after another minute of silence. "I didn't know how to talk to you. I... I still don't know how to talk to you."

"You can talk to me like before."

"Like how?"

"Like we're friends."

"We can be friends now?"

"Yes, if you want to," I said. "Do you want to?"

Hindi siya sumagot.

"Do you want me to be honest?" he asked.

"If you want to," I replied. I would always be honest with him and with everyone... I just did not like lying in general. But I learned that just because I give everyone my honesty does not mean that I could expect the same from other people. Iba-iba ang tao. I should respect that.

"I don't think I can ever be just friends with you."

Napa-tingin ako sa kanya.

"If I see you, you'll be all I ever think about..."

He smiled at me.

"I'm sorry but I'd rather not have you in my life than to have you in it and know that I'll never really have you. It's just... torture."

And then right after he said that, Dominic came back with the ice cream.

* * *

I kept on waiting for Austin's email about the place kung saan naka-libing si Violet. I felt really awful na hindi ko alam na namatay siya. Austin did not have the responsibility to tell me and he was right that he was just honoring my request.

The whole day passed and I received no email from him. I texted Saint to ask for the address, and he did give it to me, but also told me that I should ask Austin for the specifics dahil malaki raw iyong lugar at baka maligaw ako. I asked kung pwede ba na siya na lang ang magsabi sa akin, pero hindi niya raw kabisado.

'Hi. This is Karaminah. I'm sorry for texting. Saint gave me your number. I just want to ask about the address for the cemetery. I'm planning to visit Violet,' I texted.

I stared at the phone, waiting for the reply, but the whole afternoon ended and I got nothing. But that night, at 8:53PM, he replied.

'Hi. Sorry for the late reply. I'll send via email the specifics.'

It took him five minutes bago siya nakapagsend ng email. Nandoon iyong address and he even drew a map at mayroong star kung nasaan iyong libingan ni Violet.

'Thank you,' I replied to the email.

'No problem,' he replied.

Dahil hindi pa naman tapos iyong sa location scouting ay wala pa akong kailangang gawin para sa final project. George would still have to assess if the script needs revising. For now, I was free.

Nagpunta kami ni Kuya Robert sa address na binigay ni Austin. I went outside and followed the instruction that he gave, but I really could not locate Violet. Pati si Kuya Robert ay hindi niya rin alam.

"Tawagan mo na kaya si Austin?" Kuya Robert said.

I stayed quiet. He was very clear that he did not want me in his life. He followed my request na huwag akong kausapin—he even went beyond because I only asked for a year but he gave me more than that. I needed to respect his request that I stay away from him.

"I can't," I said.

Napa-kamot si Kuya Robert. "Paano 'yan? Uwi na lang tayo?"

"Sayang iyong bulaklak," I replied because I brought a boquet of violets for Violet.

"E tawagan mo."

"I can't."

"Bakit nga?"

"Ayaw niya na akong maging kaibigan."

Kumunot ang noo ni Kuya Robert. "Minsan hindi ko na talaga maintindihan ang mga kabataan," sinabi niya habang naiiling. "May number ka ba? Kung meron e ako na lang ang tatawag. Sinabi ba niya na bawal akong tumawag?"

I shook my head. He's got a point. I gave Kuya Robert his number. I told Kuya Robert to introduce himself first via text bago tumawag dahil hindi sasagot si Austin kung hindi niya kilala iyong number. And he did answer the call on the first ring. Magkausap sila sa phone habang binibigyan ng instruction ni Austin si Kuya Robert, but hindi pa rin kami makarating si puntod ni Violet.

"Nasaan na raw?" I asked nang ibaba ni Kuya Robert iyong tawag.

"May meeting daw siya d'yan sa malapit lang. Puntahan niya na lang daw tayo."

"Galit ba?"

"Bakit magagalit?"

"Kasi may meeting siya," I replied. He's busy with work, tapos pupunta siya rito dahil naliligaw kami ni Kuya Robert.

"Tapos naman na ata saka mabait naman 'yong si Austin—ikaw naman nililigawan hindi ako, pero mas gusto ko 'yang si Austin kaysa d'yan sa manliligaw mo ngayon."

"Mabait si Ryder."

"Nako, 'di man lang makababa sa van niya tuwing dadaan."

I chose not to reply because we had this conversation before already. Ryder already met them and my parents. He asked for their permission to court me. But after that, hindi na siya madalas pumunta sa bahay dahil may isang beses na may naka-kuha ng picture niya na nasa labas ng bahay namin. It was only his back, so it did not get traction. After that, hindi na siya lumalabas sa van.

"Hi, Kuya," Austin greeted nang maka-baba siya sa sasakyan niya at lumapit sa amin. He looked very formal. He was wearing a suit sans the coat and tie. The first three buttons of his shirt was undone.

"Sige na't kayong dalawa na lang ang pumunta. Kanina pa kami paikut-ikot d'yan. Hintayin ko na lang kayo rito," sabi ni Kuya Robert at saka pumasok sa sasakyan.

Naglakad ulit kami pabalik sa entrance. Austin stopped on his tracks.

"They changed things," sabi niya.

"Kailan ka huling pumunta rito?"

"Three months ago. I try to go every month, but I'd been really busy," sabi niya. "I'm sorry you got lost—my map was wrong."

We turned right and ended on a dead end. Bumalik ulit kami at sa kabila naman dumaan. We got to a dead end again. Austin got his phone out to call the guy he's paying to clean and put flowers on Violet's grave every month.

"He'll be here in thirty minutes," Austin said.

"Okay," I replied.

We stood in silence. I hugged the flowers close to my chest dahil ayaw ko iyong ibaba. I looked up and it's getting darker. Mukhang uulan nang malakas.

And then the first raindrop fell.

Sumilong kaming dalawa ni Austin sa ilalim ng shed. Palakas nang palakas iyong ulan. Kinuha ko iyong cellphone ko para tignan kung ano ang weather forecast. It changed. Kanina ay naka-lagay ay sunny, pero ngayon ay malakas na raw ang ulan buong gabi.

His phone vibrated again.

"Sorry," he said. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya. "He said he won't be able to come because of the rain. He's only using his bike."

I nodded. It's not safe to bike under this kind of weather condition. Tahimik lang kaming nandoon dahil hindi kami makaalis dahil wala kaming dalang payong. Malakas iyong pagbagsak ng ulan. Iyon lang ang naririnig ko. Tumawag si Kuya Robert para sabihin na may payong siya kaya lang ay baka mas maligaw pa siya kapag hinanap niya kami.

An hour passed and it didn't feel like the rain would stop pouring.

"Do you have a plastic in your bag?" Austin asked.

"Meron akong ziplock."

"Can I put my phone and my wallet there?"

Kinuha ko iyong ziplock at inilagay sa totebag ko iyong laman niya na alcohol at wipes. Inilagay namin ni Austin iyong phones namin at iyong wallet. It's getting darker. We needed to get out of here.

"Let's go?" he asked nang masigurado namin na nasa plastic lahat ng importanteng bagay.

"Okay," I replied as we began to walk under the rain.

Austin was walking in front of me dahil malambot iyong lupa. I was walking behind him and his shirt was sticking against his skin. I tried to avert my eyes, but could not do anything about it because he's right in front of me. Nang huminto siya ay lumingon siya sa akin at tumingin. Even with his shirt, I saw the contour of his abs against his wet shirt. Agad akong tumingin sa mukha niya. I should not look at that. He's not my boyfriend.

"Did we turn left or right earlier?" he asked. Medyo naka-pikit ang mga mata niya dahil basang-basa na ang buhok niya at nasa mukha niya na halos iyong bangs niya na mahaba kapag basa.

"Right," I replied.

Naglakad kami nang naglakad hanggang sa maka-balik kami sa sasakyan. Agad na naka-abang si Kuya Robert sa amin ng payong.

"Nagtext ang Mama mo," he said as he handed over a small towel para sa amin ni Austin. "May aksidente pala sa pabalik sa Manila dahil may tumaob na container truck. Ma-stranded lang tayo. Dito na raw tayo magpa-lipas ng gabi."

Napa-tingin ako kay Austin at wala na pala siya sa likuran ko.

"Okay," sabi ko kay Kuya Robert. Sinabi niya sa akin na nagbook na si Mama ng tig-isang kwarto para sa amin sa may hotel sa Tagaytay proper.

"Karaminah," pagtawag ni Austin. Tumingin ako sa kanya at may inaabot siya sa akin. "You can use this if you're cold," he added habang nasa kamay ko na iyong coat niya.

"Thank you," I said.

"Sure," he replied tapos ay tinanong siya ni Kuya Robert kung ano ang plano niya. "My things are at the hotel. I still need to go back."

"Saan ka ba babalik?"

"Escala," Austin replied.

"Doon din kami binook, e. Convoy na lang tayo," sabi ni Kuya Robert tapos ay pumasok na pabalik sa sasakyan. Naiwan kami ni Austin sa labas. I was already holding an umbrella over my head habang nauulanan pa siya. I tried to cover him, too, but he's taller. He got the umbrella from my hand and held it over both our heads.

"I promise I really am trying to get out of your life," sabi ko dahil baka naiinis siya na hindi ako maka-sunod sa gusto niyang mangyari.

Austin looked at me and sighed.

"Karaminah Viel," he said.

I did not know if it was because it was raining and it was cold, but I felt chills ran across my system. It was the first time in years that I heard him call me that.

"You're happy... right?"

"Yes."

"Good. That's all I ever wanted," he replied before he handed the umbrella over and walked under the rain towards his car. 

**
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