Chapter 44

Today was Wednesday and it meant that I had my Math class. My Math class was during Wednesdays and Fridays, both from 2:30 to 4:00PM. During the other days, I would just go to school kapag oras na ng mismong class, but with Math, I needed to go outside to study. Kapag sa kwarto ko lang ako nag-aral ay makaka-tulog ako. I needed to finish this class already, so that I could be done with this.

I did not like the thought of this subject hanging over my head.

I tried to study this all by myself, but I finally realized that when it came to Math, mas maganda na may nagtuturo sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi nagtuturo iyong professor ko. He'd just go to class to check attendance, tell us about his day, and then give assignments to be submitted next meeting.

Instead, I watch tutorials on Youtube tungkol sa subject ko. I finally found this channel kung saan magaling iyong nagtuturo. Tahimik akong nakikinig sa tinu-turo niya. After that, I tried to answer the example and then unpaused the video. I was pleased na pareho kami ng sagot. This was the third time in a row na tama ako.

Indeed, practice makes everything better.

After 15 minutes of continuous watching, I needed to rest my eyes. Pagsara ko ng laptop at pagtingin sa harapan ko ay nakita ko si Austin na papasok sa may café. He was looking at me. I was looking at him. I nodded at him to acknowledge that I saw him and then grabbed my notebook to check kung ano ang susunod na gagawin ko pagkatapos nito. Based on my schedule, I was supposed to meet up with George tungkol sa susunod na project niya since she asked me kung gusto ko bang tumulong.

"Hi."

Napa-tingin ako sa harapan ko nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Austin. "Hi," I replied.

Napa-tingin siya sa Math book na naka-patong sa tabi ng laptop ko. "Need help?" he asked, looking at the 3 pieces of yellow paper that I was using to solve the Math problems.

"No," I replied since the Youtube Math tutorial was working. I hoped my classmates knew about this channel. Walang tinuturo sa classroom iyong professor.

"Okay," he said, smiling a little. Tumalikod siya at pumunta sa counter para umorder. Nagsagot na akong muli ng exercises. Nang matapos ako ay tumayo na ako. It was already 2PM and I needed to walk to school already.

Lumabas ako at nang malapit na ako sa pinto ay napa-tingin ako sa gilid ko dahil nakita ko si Austin doon. Papa-labas na rin siya.

"Thank you," I said when he opened the door for me. Lumabas na ako at naglakad papunta sa pedestrian lane. He was walking just behind me. Pupunta rin siguro sa school. Nang huminto ako sa harap ng pedestrian lane ay naka-tingin ako roon sa may traffic lights. Kapag green na iyong sa sign na pwede na akong maglakad ay maglalakad ako nang mabilis. But even so, I still needed to look to my left and right to make sure na walang sasakyan na umaandar. It took me three tries before I was confident to do this alone.

And when the lights turned green, diretso akong naglakad.

"You can cross the streets on your own," biglang sabi ni Austin sa tabi ko. Papunta nga yata talaga siya sa SCA.

"Yes," I replied.

Tahimik akong naglakad papunta sa school. I swiped my ID as I got inside the campus. I heard Austin talking to the guards. They let them in because they knew him. Normally, kapag hindi estudyante ay hihingan pa ng valid ID and magsa-sign ka pa sa logbook.

Pagdating ko sa Math building ay pumasok na ako roon. I sat down on my spot at inilabas ko iyong Muji notebook and Energel 0.5mm ball needle point pen ko. My professor was on time this time. He asked the assignments to be passed kaya naman hinintay ko iyong mga papel na ipapasa mula sa likod ko. After that ay nagkwento siya tungkol sa buhay niya. I took notes because I bought this notebook for this subject and I wanted to use it.

After my professor gave us the new assignment ay lumabas na ako. Tapos na iyong klase ko ngayong araw kaya makaka-uwi na ako. Bukas ay may Creative Writing subjects na ulit ako. I was finally done with Math for this week.

"Karaminah Viel."

Napa-tingin ako kay Austin. He was sitting on the bench outside the Math building. He stood up upon seeing me. Lumapit ako sa kanya.

"Do you need something?" I asked because it was the third time this day that I was seeing him. It meant that he needed something from me. I had been going to therapies once a week during Sundays after ng Calligraphy class ko. I really think that it was paying off. Kahit si Dominic ay sinasabi na mas mabilis na akong maka-pick-up ng social cues ngayon. Being on the spectrum was difficult, but I was glad that I was able to cope up kahit kaunti.

"Do you have another class?"

"No, done for the day," I replied.

He nodded. "Do you have time or do you need to go home?"

"I have a few minutes," I said. "Nasa parking na si Kuya Robert."

"Okay," he replied. I was looking at him as he was looking at me. He took a deep breath. "I just want to apologize."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "For what?" I asked. It had been 30 weeks since I last saw him. But when we'd talk, we'd just greet each other what whatever holiday it was. I could not think of anything that would warrant an apology from him.

"For what happened last Christmas."

My lips parted.

I nodded.

"There's no need to apologize," I said. I talked to my therapist about this a lot. I understood where Austin was coming from. He needed something that I could not give. But I was also informed that it was not my fault. He knew exactly who I was. I was trying to adjust, but it was not enough. I could not give more than what I could give at that point.

It was just not right for the both of us.

I finally understood that.

"I was just tired back then."

"Okay."

"And frustrated."

I nodded.

"I'm sorry."

"Austin," I said. His forehead creased. "You don't have to apologize. It wasn't meant to be," I continued. "But thank you for everything," I added because I needed to say thank you when I feel thankful.

I experienced a lot of things because of him.

He's the first guy to bring me to the beach, to go to movies with, to go on arcade, to introduce to my parents. He gave me my first kiss. He gave me a lot of things. I should be grateful for that.

"And I'm sorry, too."

Kumunot ang noo niya.

"I'm sorry because I couldn't be what you needed me to be," I said, smiling sadly because I was truly sad when he said that we should just be friends. Took me a few weeks and a few Calligraphy class to instill that in my mind. There's a box in our storage that was just full of papers with his name written.

I looked at my watch again.

"I need to go," sabi ko sa kanya dahil naghihintay na si Kuya Robert. "May kailangan ka pa bang sabihin?"

Naka-tingin siya sa akin. I stood in front of him, waiting for him to say something.

"Can... we be friends?" he asked.

"We are friends," I replied.

"Can I text you aside from the greetings?"

"Sure."

"Will you reply?"

"If I have time."

"Okay," he said. "Can I ask if you'll reactivate your Instagram account again?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I don't use any social media anymore."

At first, it was just because I kept on seeing his name and his face everywhere. I decided to deactivate after that. But soon, I liked the peace of not being online. I only have my messenger for school purposes and Whatsapp kapag kausap ko si Dominic at George.

"Okay," he said, slightly nodding his head.

"If you don't have anything more to say, I'll be leaving," I said before I turned my back on him and walked towards the parking lot.

* * *

Dominic came over and he's been eating the food Ate Gina brought. Nasa receiving area kami. The carpet was newly vacuumed kaya naman naka-upo ako roon habang nagsasagot ng exercise sa Math. Naka-upo si Dominic sa tabi ko. Ilang beses ko na siya sinabihan na 'wag maupo kasi baka malaglag iyong kinakain niya, but he said that he'd be careful.

"Dominic," I said when he almost choked on his muffin at may mga nalaglag na butil sa carpet.

"I'm sorry," he said after he finished the glass of orange juice. "I promise I'll vacuum this myself. But... why am I seeing Austin's name on your laptop?" he asked habang naka-turo sa may notification sa upper right side ng screen ko.

I clicked on the email.

"Why... is he sending you your exercises?" Dominic asked habang naka-tingin sa email ni Austin.

"I saw him last month sa school," I said.

"And you didn't tell me? Wow," Dominic said.

"How can I tell you? You're always having a monologue about Zondra."

Dominic looked at me. "Your therapist is good. Your sarcasm," he said as he gave me that 'chef's kiss' gesture na itinuro niya sa akin dati. "But seriously, what did he say?"

"He apologized for what happened last December."

"What did you say?"

"I apologized din at saka nagthank you."

"Tapos nagsesend na kayo ng exercise?"

"He asked if could talk to me and I said yes and that I'd reply kapag may time ako. He asked me if I still needed help with Math and I said yes. I'm watching the tutorial, but hindi naman kaya nun i-verify iyong mga sagot ko sa mismong exercise."

After what I said, Dominic was looking at me. And then he reached for the muffin and took a bite.

"You know what he's doing, right?"

"Helping me with my assignment," I said.

"He's trying to win you back."

"I don't think so," I replied.

"I definitely think so," Dominic said. "Remember the café opening? I told you he'd come and he did. And now, I'm telling you he's trying to win you back."

"Why would he do that?" I asked. "The situation hasn't changed. Nasa Japan pa rin siya. Ganito pa rin ako. Is he expecting a different outcome?"

Dominic shrugged. "Don't sell yourself short. He's crazy for you for a reason."

"And what reason might that be?"

He shrugged again. "Who knows?" he asked. "There's another email."

[email protected]

Hi. Your answers are correct, but upon checking the solution, there's actually a shortcut method. I can teach you if you want.

Dominic snorted. Napa-tingin ako sa kanya.

"Yeah... Austin, Austin... you sneaky boy."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Do you really think that's what he's doing?"

"Very sure."

I closed my laptop. Napa-tingin sa akin si Dominic. Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why... do you look upset?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. "I need to talk to him."

"Okay..." he said.

"Dominic."

"Yes, Karaminah?"

"I need your opinion," I said and he nodded. "If you're right, then I need to tell him to stop."

"Wait... what? Why? You said you still like him when I asked you months ago."

"Yes, but I don't want to go back to the way it was before," I said. "I don't like what I felt when he told me that we should just be friends. I don't want to write his name over and over again until it began to lose its meaning and it's just but another word. I don't want to listen to another song and stop midway because I remember him," I said continuously until I was out of breath. "I don't want to go through that again," I said as I grabbed my phone and went to the garden to call him and to tell him exactly that. 

**
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