I gulp, my hands shaking as I write back.

MaeDa: Don't hurt me

Sachj87: did you tell the cops.

MaeDa:...no

Sachj87: Mae?

MaeDa: No, I didn't just don't hurt me, or River

Sachj87: how about you don't talk to him ever again and we leave it at that?

MaeDa: No

Sachj87: Sweetheart, I love you, and would love you a lot more if you wouldn't do that

MaeDa: I don't want you to love me at all!

Sachj87: Sweetheart, I have loved you since your trip in Washington two years ago. I've just been...silently watching and finding you ever since.

Sachj87: I'm doing this for you ya know.

MaeDa is typing...

MaeDa: Don't talk to me ever again.

I shut my laptop and put it into my bag, holding my knees to my chest and crying into them as I listen to the door open and close in the apartment. I hear ruffling, then footsteps to the room. "Sorry I took so long. The lines were so fucking long I thought I would-" River looks at me, his eyes widening on me then walking to me and hugging me. "Die. Mae what happened?"

"T-T-T-The m-m-m-" I can't get any words out. But if I tell River...he'll probably kill River. He cups my cheeks, wiping my cheeks of tears that keep falling.

"Mae, what's wrong?" His eyes plead an answer that I can't give.

I shake my head, a small fake smile forming on my lips as I force myself to laugh, looking up at him. "I-I just had a really bad nightmare. That's all." He softly laughs, pulling me into a hug. His chest is warm...safe. I rub my face into it, smelling his vanilla cologne.

"What was it about?"

"I-It doesn't matter." I shake my head, smiling up at him. He smiles down at me, gently peaking my lips. "W-When's you're birthday, by the way."

"Why do you want to know?" He laughs, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on mine.

"I was reading your postcards before I took a nap. I...saw you moved around a lot and was just wondering."

"October 9th..."

"Tomorrow!" I sit up, him smiling as I look at him. "We'll need to celebrate!" I wipe my cheeks free of tears. Please don't catch on that I'm changing the subject.

"I don't like celebrating my birthday, Mae. The most I even do now is buy myself a cupcake and eat it on the walk home from the store. I haven't even heard the birthday song since I was seven."

I stare at him in wonder. Why wouldn't anyone want to celebrate his birthday? He's so nice and kind and...worth celebrating. "At least let me buy you a cake." I squeeze his thigh, and lower my head.

"You," he pauses, tackling me in a bear hug and kissing me delightfully. "Are all I need for a perfect birthday." I giggle as he blows raspberries on my neck. He slowly comes to a stop, leaving soft kisses on my neck then starting to suck.

"Please don't leave a hickey. You already left one on my stomach." I sigh, as he kisses the spot on my neck.

"How else will people know you're mine?" He sits up, looking down at me. "You...are mine right?" I bite my lip and something inside me decides to nod. He smiles and slowly kisses me again.

§•§•§

River sits up on the blanket, smiling at me as he kisses me as the clocks tick to midnight, the fire warming us as if being in our underwear with River feeding my strawberries wasn't warming enough. I break free of his lips, him pouting as I stare at him. "Happy birthday."

He smiles, giggling almost. "Do you know how old I am?" I bite my lip, trying to remember, but I can't. he can tell. "I'm seventeen."

"I'm still fifteen."

"When's you're birthday?" He asks, eating a strawberry and putting the leaf into a small bag.

"February 15."

He laughs. "On the best holiday. Where chocolates are 75% off." I giggle with him, him feeding me another strawberry before kissing me. "But this is the best birthday ever."

I smile at him, kissing him again as he pulls me below him. I don't know how we ended up in our underwear, or how we ended up on the floor on a blanket by his fireplace. All I know is he must have planned this. No one could do this unless they've read my diary...because this was my dream way of loosing my virginity since I knew what it was...but...Tyler had a different plan. I...didn't necessarily agreed with it but I still love...loved him.

Hell I even wrote it in for it to be Tyler who took it. At least that happened right. I smile into the kiss, our tongues twisting around each other until we pull apart to breath every fifteen seconds. I can feel River smile, his dick getting hard as it presses against my thigh. I can't stop from blushing that me–Mae Madeline Davis–is making someone horny.

He pulls away, his face flushed and burning down to his chest. He bites his lip, lowering his head to my shoulder and then back to me, gently kissing me then lifting above me. His body tenses as he clenches his jaw. "D-Do you want to–I-I-I mean we don't have t-to I-I-I w-w-was j-just wondering i-if...you know..."

"I d-don't really..." As in I've done it once and I'm scared to do it again.

"You're not into guys?" He laughs, kissing me. "Doesn't seem likely."

"N-No." I giggle softly. "I am, I just...I've had a bad experience with sex, that's all."

He sits up quickly, running his hand through his hair and pulling at it before pointing his hand at me. "Wait you were...you were raped?" He whispers the word as if it's poison in his mouth. I bite my lip and squeeze my eyes so tight I feel like they'll pop and bounce around inside my skull. "Mae, answer me." I peak my eyes open, only to see Rivers eyes bulging out of his skull.

"I-It wasn't rape, we both consent...I-I just don't remember saying yes." My voice goes up in range because I've never told anyone this. I hate to think of it and and I hate to even believe it happened.

"Mae, when did this happen?"

"W-When I was fourteen-technically thirteen because it was my birthday." I need to shut up.

"Who did it to you?" I can't answer. "I will kick their ass and make them pay just tell me-"

"He's dead!" I blurt out, my eyes burning with tears. "He's dead and the only boy I've ever dated because we've been together since we were eight and now he's dead and if we didn't sneak out that night he wouldn't be dead! It's all my fault he was murdered!"

"T-Tyler, did that to you?" I nod my head slowly, then shake it side to side vigorously and pull at my hair.

"H-H-H-He didn't do anything to me. H-H-He loved me more then anything-"

"If he raped you he didn't love you-"

"Tyler loved me more then anything! He would have never hurt me and if we didn't sneak out that night he wouldn't have been killed and we would still be happy and-" I lift my head up to River.

"We wouldn't have met." River laughs, leaning back on his a hand.

"N-No River. It's not like that. I love knowing you but-"

"But you loved a boy who raped you and didn't respect you?"

"Tyler loved me!"

"Then he wouldn't have cheated on you!" I stare at River as he holds his hand over his mouth.

"W-What're you talking about? You came days after Tyler was killed. H-How would you-" I can't speak.

"Lindsay. She left her phone in Mr.Henrys class and it was unlocked and I-I couldn't help myself from looking!" He rakes his hand through his hair. "I saw texts from Tyler and thought I could get to know how but all I got were times, locations, nudes, sexual texts. I-I just gave her her phone back without telling you because I thought it would hurt you more." Everything already hurts. From him, to Lindsay, to Jessie, to David and all his friends. Everything hurts because a sadistic man is choosing who lives or dies. "Mae-"

"How long after...was she murdered?"

He started counting in his head then looking down at his feet. "A few days." I let out a shaky sigh, pulling my hands shakily through my hair and looking at River. He looks up at me, pulling his hair out of his eyes. "W-We should go get some sleep. It's pretty late and-"

"No," I sigh, taking a strawberry from the bowl and holding it up. "Why don't we keep going and you check in on me?"

"You were raped Mae...I don't want you to fee like it's happening again." He looks at his feet. He has a string anklet on it.

I pull the leaf off of the strawberry holding it up and looking at it. "Go slow, and when the mood is back up, I'll think about it." I wink at him, holding the strawberry in between my lips. He smirks, taking it out of my mouth and putting it back in the bowl before kissing me.