These are from a few weeks ago. 

I wish I was dead or at least I never existed. That seems to be what mum wants anyway. The way she talk makes it pretty clear everything is my fault. Like if I wasn't around it would all be better. Maybe I should put bleach in my drink or something. I wonder how much I would need to mix with the water in my water bottle to kill me. I wonder if it'll hurt. I'd probably over dose on sleeping pills if we had any. I don't think we do though. 

She keeps taking the laptop away because she says it's just for school or work. Amy wouldn't give up her laptop so she threatened to turn off the power. She does that a lot and it's not an empty threat either. She blames me for everything and I believe her. Maybe if I could get good grades. Maybe if I didn't drop out. Maybe if I could get a job. Does it matter more to be the perfect daughter or just be me? Should I pretend to be something else or should I just face all the ugly truths head on? And yep there goes the power. 

She compares me to dad a lot. A bit of backstory to make a little more sense. My mum and dad split up when I was fairly young. My brother wasn't even born yet when she just left with my sister and I and never came back. Basically she thinks he's the worst person in the world. Not entirely true but I don't know how I feel about being compared. Kinda hurts I guess I mean when she looks at me does she just see my dad? Why can't she just see me for me?

I'm really wanting to get a job, I mean a chance to get out of the house plus money? Sign me up! But mom keeps nagging me and that always makes me feel like doing something less. But I'm scared too, hell I'm terrified. Am I ready to get out there and face society? Not at all. But if I can prove to myself I can do it, that would be great. More confidence is usually a good thing, well unless you're cocky but I don't think I'll ever get that far. There is also the fact that the Tafe course I'm wanting to do requires me to be working or doing work experience. And I forgot where I was heading with this so vote me mayor for Bundaberg. Nah jk I can't remember, it is now gone forever.