sehun's wallet crisis and his unreliability as a replacement wingman.

Oh Sehun takes pride, perhaps too much pride, in the fact that he's a little shit with an overflowing amount of sass in his body.

"Hello, hyungie!" his voice drips with mock-cheerfulness, "just making sure you aren't getting murdered. Does Luhan and I need to find a place to hide Chanyeol-ssi's body?"

"I'm-I'm trading you for Taemin, just you wait, you bitch," Baekhyun hisses, voice descending into a hushed whisper unlike his previous loud declaration of kicking the maknae's ass across the Pacific Ocean.

Is that embarrassment he hears in dear Baek-hyung's voice? Sehun grins, the stammer not missed.

Leaning back onto the couch of the bubble tea store Luhan and him discovered, he drawls into the earphones's microphone, "I told you, I'm irreplaceable. Where are you, anyway? Not in the closet anymore, I hope." He leaves out the minor detail of wanting to be there for the sake of embarrassing his hyung in front of his crush, but Baekhyun seems to predict his shit-eating actions, anyway.

"You..." There's grumbling on the other line before his hyung says, "If that's all you called for..."

"Wait, wait, wait. Don't put down the call. I demand updates," Sehun orders, straightening his back. "I'm making sure he isn't stepping lines because it's my job to piss you off. I'll cut his dick off, hyung."

"Gee, thanks, maknae. He's your hyung too, ya know," the other reprimands, "but Chanyeollie takes really good care of me... He's fun to talk to and he also likes music that I like and..."

The tone he uses when talking about Chanyeol morphs to sickeningly sweet. Sehun gags, pretending to vomit. "I don't need to know the details, hyung."

"...Then why did you call me? It doesn't sound like anyone's dying. I'm in the middle of something—"

"Wait, wait. Shut your homo bitching for five seconds," Luhan, who is wearing Sehun's other earphone, cuts Baekhyun off. He turns to Sehun, thrusting his phone towards his face. It shows a chat log filled with Chinese characters and stickers, with the latest messages being in Korean, thankfully. "This is more important than Episode 69 of Baekhyun's Panicked Gay Chronicles. Sehunnie, look at this pic Minnie sent me. I told you he'd like the place."

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧  小包子 !!
hello, 鹿哥 (and sehunnie-yah)!

the ramyeon place you recommended was delicious. we should eat there sometime.

dae-yah says hi, by the way.

> 「(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ 小包子 !!」 sent a live picture

(transcript: live picture is a gif of minseok with jongdae to his left at a restaurant, both of them smiling and waving at the camera with a waiter at the background)

> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧  小包子 !!
he's nice so no need to get your panties in a twist. i know you're thinking of some saying like "不作死就不会死" but i can always kick his ass if the situation called for it.

oh, i'd give details but we're going for ice cream now, sorry, 拜拜!

鹿哥 ♡♡♡ (๑>◡<๑) <
路上小心，我的小包子 !!

Sehun squints at the parts typed in Mandarin in an attempt to decipher it (or have the words magically turn into Hangul), completely confused and in need of subtitles. An urge to remind the other that he is illiterate in Mandarin crosses him but he gets the gist of what's happening nonetheless, so he shakes it off.

"Isn't he just adorable?" Luhan coos, tilting his head to the side and taking the phone back, "I swear, he looks younger than you, maknae. Except waaay cuter..." He looks back at his phone and his fingers move across the lower half, probably typing up another reply to the eldest. "Oh and, ah, hey, Baekhyun-ah, where are you?"

The maknae lets the poking at his supposed lack of aegyo slide (which is not true, by the way, he firmly believes that he's the cutest among his friends and that is a fact), inwardly smirking and cheering because Baekhyun is now socially obliged to answer the elder. Korean hierarchy is amazing when he's not ordered to buy twenty things from a vending machine that's far away.

"...The record shop Joohyun-noona works at," Baekhyun replies after a moment of silence, defeat loud and clear in his voice. He clears his throat just as Luhan opens his mouth to say something. "I'm putting the phone down now, asshole and Luhan. Talk to y'all later."

Click!

Luhan snaps his mouth shut and stares at the phone with an intensity strong enough to set it on fire.

Thousands of emotions pass his face, all of which are quite the comedic sight. "...That-that disrespectful bitch called me 'Luhan' and not 'Luhan-hyung'," he admonishes, outrage coloring his words, "and I thought Koreans are big on hierarchy and respect for elders!"

"Hyung, you're Chinese," Sehun reminds, "and you literally announced when we met that the strict hierarchy here 'sucked ass' and can 'suck China's dick' because 'our more intimate and brotherly environment is superior'."

"...You have no proof, peasant."

"Tell that to the others who applauded your bravery with a standing ovation because it just-so-happened that a teacher entered the room when you said that."

"LA LA LA. I don't hear your lies and bullshit, na na na na na na..." Luhan removes the earphone and plugs his ears with his fingers, turning his head away from him. He contemplates smacking the elder but thinks against it because that equates to his wallet dying even more so never mind.

Sehun settles with pokes instead. "Yah, yaaah, accept the truth and finish your bubble tea, hyungie. Let's go bug ChanBaek."

"...'ChanBaek'?" Luhan halts his whining, whipping his head to him with a curious expression. He mouthes the word again, knitting his eyebrows together. Oh, it probably sounds like an unfamiliar slang word. "Is that some passive aggressive word meaning 'hurry the fuck up or die' or.."

"ChanBaek means 'Chanyeol and Baekhyun'. The latter is a mouthful, five syllables," the younger explains, "why waste my precious saliva when I can say 'ChanBaek' instead? Plus, it's my ship name for them."

The other blinks while taking a large gulp from his drink. Probably not the weirdest thing hyung's heard in Korea, Sehun supposes, he lives with me and the others after all. "Ah. Makes sense. Thought it was some weirdass weeaboo word—oooh, try saying that five times fast—that you picked up from manga."

"Weirdass weeaboo word, weirdass weeaboo wo'd, weiz-ass s-wurd—WORD—fuck," the younger curses.

While he's struggling with the tongue twister, Luhan puts a finger to his own chin in contemplation. "But... hey, if ChanBaek is, like, the main ship... Does that make us background characters?" he wonders aloud.

Sehun blinks as if he himself hasn't stayed up into the ungodly hours of the morning contemplating the same thing after reading a really intense psychological manga series. "...I think you're breaking the fourth wall of our universe, hyung."

"No, it makes sense!" the elder exclaims with a vigor. "If I'm right, then I refuse to be a minor character in this anime or manga or whatever!"

"Personally, I think you're more of a side bitch," Sehun butts in.

"Gee, thanks, maknae," Luhan crinkles his nose but looks like he's buying the idea anyway. "Nice to know that in the big grand plan of the universe, my ultimate destiny is to be a side bitch."

"Not just 'a' side bitch, you're The Side Bitch," Sehun corrects, coiling up his earphones and shoving them into his pocket while praying that they doesn't get tangled. "Speaking of bitches, wanna go embarrass Baekhyun-hyung? If he's still at Joohyun-noona's store with his bae, I can also get Kyungsoo-hyung a Christmas gift while we're at it!"

Luhan sighs dramatically but agrees with a sound of confirmation anyway. He sucks up the last of the pearls in his drink, scooping out the excess cream. "You're lucky I'm broke or I would've shipped you to to Australia to die from heatstroke."

"Love you too, hyungie." The taller blows an air kiss but Luhan is quick to dodge it's general direction, sliding off the couch and leaving the trash on the table for Sehun to dispose of. Goddamn it.

He pouts and grumbles but Luhan stubbornly looks in the other direction so he cleans up the trash anyway, wiping the table with the excess tissue and moving towards the trash cans. Greetings, fellow trash, he mentally communicates to the rubbish bins as he segregates the wrappers and washes his hands at the sink.

Naruto running to his hyung, Sehun grabs him by the sleeve as he makes a mad dash to the exit. Luhan lets out a surprised squawk and nearly drops his phone as he's manhandled head-on to the freezing temperatures outside. Sehun finds himself (rudely) pushed away as his hyung scrambles to find balance. "Oh fucking Sehun, you fucking fuck, how dare you— hoooly shit, it's so cold."

Luhan visibly shivers, and the taller can't blame him because winter is merciless during December. He stuffs his hands into his pockets, reminding himself to buy a pair of gloves else his hands become popsicles. "Well," he says, watching the vapor appear in front of him, "are you gonna ship me to Australia now, Luhan-hyung?"

"Fuck you." The elder exhales, blowing into his hands and rubbing them together. "Let's move our asses to ChanBaek because I'm pretty sure it's 11°C and sunny in Beijing unlike this 9°C depressing cloud country."

※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Thing is, they walked to the bubble tea shop, which means that they're subjugated to trudge through the harsh winds towards the music store.

A few centuries or so after leaving, just as Sehun begins to contemplate actually shipping himself to Australia for the sake of heat and warmth, they reach their destination and don't hesitate to enter the premises. "Heat!" Sehun cheers, basking in the hotness, "yeheeet!"

"Good afternoon and welcome, Sehunnie, Luhan-hyung."

The elder pats his cheeks to get the blood flowing again as he turns to the cashier. "Hey, Joohyun," he greets, waving his hand, "are ChanBaek still here?"

Without missing a beat, Joohyun gestures towards a direction. "They went to the SHINee section, if I'm not mistaken. They're probably somewhere around there." Wow, she didn't even flinch at the word 'ChanBaek', Sehun mentally applauds her, impressed at her unfazed look. "Please keep things PG-13 and non-destructive, by the way. I dealt with this guy with a dimple a few days ago who nearly knocked the shelves down like dominos and I still need to recover."

"We will. Thanks, noona." Sehun nods at her before taking the lead and approaching the SHINee section.

Secret agent music begins to play in his head as halts in walking and clasps his hands together, extending his thumbs and index fingers to make a gun. He backs up on a shelf, peaking to look at the aisle then hiding behind it again. He beckons his hyung to join and Luhan facepalms; he quietly cheers when the elder presses up to the shelf beside him anyway.

Tu tu tuuun, tu tu tuuun, tu tu tuuun, tu tun, he conducts in his head, an electric guitar replicating the jazz music he hears in American spy films.

He hears footsteps nearby along with incoherent whispers; he smiles. Targets' location acquired. Peaking once more into the aisle, he tiptoes a few shelves further. A bead of sweat trickles down his back as he shakes off the lingering coldness, he's a man on a mission.

Inching towards the source of the sounds, he's pressed up against a display of 2PM and 2AM albums when Luhan—the bastard—fucking sneezes, probably spreading some zombie virus everywhere and shattering his illusion of being a detective agent.

"Hyung!" Sehun exclaims at an instant, straightening his back and pointing his finger guns to the elder, "you're killing the mood!"

"Excuse you. You dragged me into the cold winter, I can't help it." Luhan sniffles a bit, breaking character and walking straight through the aisle with his footsteps loud and clear in a gesture of vengeance. "Suffer, bitch."

Sehun whines, already thinking of a way to get revenge as he sulks and begrudgingly walks behind the elder. Maybe I can detach all the sleeves from his clothes, he thinks, expose his fucking arms to the whole world Nini-style—

"Ohhh, prostitute dearest!"

Luhan fucking flies towards Baekhyun's back before the poor guy could even turn around. He doesn't even try to lower his volume or look remotely shameful as he asks, "So have you used my gifts yeeet?"

"Jesus—holy, Luhan-hyung?" Baekhyun splutters, regaining his footing.

"See, maknae, I'm holy, according to Baekhyunnie. Not just some side bitch," Luhan directs his statement to Sehun as he lets go of his dongsaeng. He grips Baekhyun's shoulders and turns his around to face him. Then, the eldest studies Baekhyun's face then Chanyeol's, looking back at Baekhyun and to Chanyeol once more, he repeats the motion. "...I'm guessing you haven't used my gift yet...?"

Baekhyun's face reddens as he flails his hands. "No! Of course not, hyung. We're just, um, checking out"—checking out each other? Sehun inserts—"albums." He frantically gestures to the basket hanging from his elbow that's filled to the brim with albums.

"Why do you sound disappointed?" he adds, crying out.

"Hmph, thought you were actually getting some," Luhan huffs before turning to a wide-eyed Chanyeol, "I'm gonna speed things up here. I'm Luhan, nice to meet you. The other tall guy is Sehun. You see, Baek—"

"Chanyeollie, you haven't gotten yourself any albums yet!"

Baekhyun's roar echoes through the store and Sehun is sure people across the street can hear it. Caught off guard, Luhan pauses mid-sentence, furrowing his eyebrows as if he forgot what he was talking about. Sehun feels like he struck gold as he watches the really good drama anime before his eyes and snickers as Chanyeol is the first to snap out of his stupor.

"Uh, yes! I forgot to get my-my TVXQ! albums, um, please—excuse me, Luhan—Luhan-hyung," the tallest stutters as he speed walks into the sea of displays, disappearing through the shelves. Sehun snorts like the hypocrite he is, Panicked gay spotted.

Luhan simply looks at Baekhyun and states, "You two should fuck."

"WHAT?"

"You should let him fuck you!" he cheerfully rephrases. At this point, Sehun has taken out his phone and is recording the happenings to laugh at at 3AM.

"NO. I heard you the first time! I don't even know how!"

"You take my gift, put the condom on his dick—safe sex is important—lube it up, lube and prep your ass, then insert his dick up your a—"

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I BOTTOM?"

There's a distant look in the elder's eyes as he pauses. "You seem like the type—but you could be a switch, too. I mean, Junmyeon's one—"

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?" Damn, Baekhyun-hyung be hitting those high notes with his screeches. "HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS INFORMATION?"

"Have you seen Junmyeon's ass?" Luhan asks, incredulous and eyebrows raised. "But Minseok's is better, to be honest. You live in a dorm with hot men, sex happens all the time. It's natural! What matters is that it's all consensual."

"This is why you're just a side bitch, hyung," Sehun mutters under his breath, trying to delete the memories of walking into too many wild happenings in the dorm. He's just sixteen, dammit!

Baekhyun's Lord and Savior comes in the form of Chanyeol walking back to their trio, face red.

Oops, he probably heard everything.

"Chanchan!" Baekhyun breathes, relief clear on his face as he latches onto Chanyeol's arm. "Let's go check these out asap. Please ignore the existence of my hyung, he's a crazy bitch." With that, he drags the taller past Sehun to go to the check-out station.

My hyungs are wild, he thinks to himself as he stops the video recording on his phone, maybe I should've brought popcorn. He fiddles with his phone, saving the video to his cloud storage, and allows Luhan to drag him by the elbow to chase after the not-couple.

"Can you believe that prostitute?" the elder scoffs, "ignoring me. Maybe I should lock those two in a BDSM love hotel."

"Not a bad idea," Sehun replies breezily, "but maybe they just need sense knocked into them. Set them up for a candlelit dinner."

"Shit, good idea. We can get Junmyeon to fund their date, complete with violinists and butlers." The other's eyes light up. "That's our last resort if those two don't make out by the time 2012 comes and the world ends, swear."

※ ※ ※ ※ ※

It's hard work to be a wingman. Especially when the couple of interest are both panicked gays who are painfully obvious and painfully oblivious.

How did Sehun's life come to this? He pities himself as Luhan and him trail behind Chanyeol and Baekhyun, the idiots in their own world as they ride their bikes side-by-side. Those two could probably make out or something and dismiss it as no, homo bro, purely platonic.

When he and his hyung agreed to join in dropping Chanyeol off at his nearby apartment, they had apparently signed up for a show of two lovestruck dummies in denial.

And it's so frustrating.

It's reaching a point that he thinks they should resort to Plan B, the 'have Junmyeon fund a romantic night and pray they fuck' plan. Dramatic? Yeah, but can you blame Sehun? He knows Chanyeol and Baekhyun have known each other for a day or so, but they're so whipped.

They've been walking in the cold but Sehun ignores the bite of the frost because his need to see results is magically overpowering the urge to set himself on fire.

"This is my apartment building," he hears Chanyeol murmur to Baekhyun as they park their bikes.

Sehun's eyes widen in realization, a goodbye kiss! They might kiss in farewell. He needs to get a good angle to immortalize this moment. Seizing Luhan's shoulder, he drags his startled hyung to the side of the structure to a window that overseas the lobby.

He suppresses an inhuman scream when Chanyeol and Baekhyun walk beside each other into the building.

Preparing his phone and his mind for the upcoming gay, he whispers to Luhan, "It's coming, hyung."

"...ank you for today, I enjoyed it," Baekhyun's soft voice floats through the air. He's playing with the cuffs of his sleeves, staring at them as if looking up is a difficult feat. Sehun can't see his face at their angle, but can see the way Chanyeol reaches a hand to gently stroke the shorter's cheek.

Chanyeol says something in reply that the maknae's ears can't pick up.

They're so close to each other that Sehun's heart races in anticipation. He can't hear their words from how soft they're whispering it, but revels in how Baekhyun looks up and shyly embraces Chanyeol's neck, burying his face in his chest, nuzzling it.

It's so intimate, it feels like he's intruding on a private moment.

Baekhyun pulls away to tuck a stray strand of Chanyeol's hair away from his face, and the taller's face reddens at the gesture as he wraps his long arms around the shorter's waist.

They lean in in unison. Chanyeol's pupils are wide as he bends down just as Baekhyun tiptoes, they're inches away from each other, their breaths mingling into one—

Luhan fucking sneezes.

It echoes through the quiet.

Sehun sees the burning pits of hell for a brief second.

He immediately thinks hard to recall how long a prison sentence for first degree murder is because the couple break apart in an instant, jumping a good feet or so from each other. Only he can cockblock his friends and now is not the right moment. It's only by a mere thread of willpower does he not strangle his hyung.

"Hide!" he hisses, grabbing the back of Luhan's collar and pulling them both to the ground, hiding them from the window's view.

They lay flat on the pavement; he hears muffled hasty goodbyes and feels like the personification of universal disappointment. Stopping the recording, he sends a text of absolute goodwill to Minseok.

maknae seahoon <
hyungie pls slap luhan later

ive failed u & ur new bf as a wingman

luhan fcking s n e e z e d

control ur side bitch ty ily

▲▼▲▼▲

lmao so many implied ships, lu-ge is wILD and is clearly a confident gay with no problem exposing his and his friends' gay asses.

there will be Realizations of Feelings next chapter !! swear !! no cockblocking !! widnwkcnwk ft. our anti-chicken cold guy and the personification of satan who cooks gr8 food.

this chapter is dedicated to @/changbinnified, for being the first person to comment and vote on my fanfic, ahah. hello if you're reading this !!

don't forget to comment, vote, and add to your reading lists if you've enjoyed ! oh, new cover ! changed from the blue one cause text wasn't rlly visible.

and how are you ? hope you're doing well. drink some water and eat some food, my loves, take care of yourselves. ♡♡♡♡