minseok's age crisis and his exasperation at dealing with a lovestruck dongsaeng.

Times like this, Kim Minseok has the urge to retire from society and raise twenty cats instead of dealing with his friends' shit.

The only reason he hasn't become a social recluse has to be the entertainment value of his unpredictable peers, the occasional free food, and the fact that he sold his soul to a PhD program and there's no turning back. He's going to get himself a doctorate even if it kills him.

At least, hopefully before the stress kills him first.

"Baekhyunnie-yah, please be careful. You'll trip and break your neck if you even try to wear those high heels." Minseok wonders where the younger even got the pair of tall black boots with heels sharp enough to cut someone. Then again, this is Byun Baekhyun he's thinking about, the same guy that managed to evade punishment through making his mentors laugh.

Sehun, who claimed most of Baekhyun's bed and is hogging most of it with his unfairly long limbs, looks up with a bored expression and suggests, "Just go with Yifan's suggestion, wear those over your black shirt with the wolf face, the one with six gold intersecting lines, and those poofy, red-accented black pants you have. Save those heels for a bedroom roleplay fantasy and switch them out for black high-cut sneakers."

The eldest nearly chokes at the words 'bedroom roleplay fantasy', wondering if he heard it right.

He did, apparently, because Baekhyun screams, "YOU'RE, LIKE, TWELVE, MAKNAE."

"I'm seventeen," is the curt reply, "and the age of consent in our country is thirteen."

"EXACTLY. YOU'RE TWELVE," the drama queen cries out, "my child has grown up. What has the world come to?" He falls to his knees, arms spread out and face gazing at the ceiling. Minseok can almost see his soul ascend from his body and lets out a sympathetic noise. It would've been dramatically cinematic if Baekhyun wasn't deadass wearing a ridiculous cartoony face mask in nothing but a towel.

There's silence.

It's quickly broken as Sehun deadpans, "What."

"You're being such a disrespectful child"—Baekhyun uses his middle finger to jab at the youngest's direction—"speaking of such scandalous things. Thinking you're so high and mighty just because you're freakishly tall and have the biggest 'nose'—"

"Oh my God, go suck on Chanyeol's dick instead." The maknae looks pleased at the compliment despite the dismissive nature of his voice, and Minseok gets the urge to search up ways of getting taller. "And Junmyeonnie-hyung is my mom, not you, you're just the batshit crazy female family dog."

"Are you calling me a bitch?"

"Yes."

Because Minseok feels a semblance of pity for his dongsaeng, he doesn't say 'get wrecked, Baekhyunnie' out loud. Instead, he reaches a cheese stick out in the younger's direction and attempts to diffuse the upcoming fire. "Now, now, Sehunnie-yah, he's more extra than usual because of this being a first for him. Here, Baek-ah, don't be too stressed."

"Thank you, Minseokkie-hyung." The younger stands up and, unluckily for the eldest, the towel wrapped around Baekhyun's waist falls, exposing the place where the sun doesn't shine in all its... glory.

Minseok immediately uses the snack in his hand to cover what he'd rather not see.

Unfazed, Baekhyun rushes to snatch the free treat. "You're the best, hyung, better than a certain someone." He rips open the plastic wrapper with a vigor before adding, "And don't act like my dick is the worst thing you've ever seen, it's amazing." Taking a bite out of the snack, he plops down beside the eldest at Sehun's legs.

"Please. The worst thing I've seen is your face."

"No one asked you, Maknae." Baekhyun huffs before taking another bite that decimates half of the remaining stick. Turning to Minseok, he asks, "Can we get ourselves a different maknae that's a little less bitch? I mean, Taemin might be willing to replace him."

The shortest hears ruffling and he's sure the maknae sat up in a flash in outrage. "I'm irreplaceable," he protests from behind the two, "where else are you gonna get a one of a kind mak—"

Baekhyun continues, ignoring Sehun as if he's chopped liver, "...Or maybe Seungri—no, wait, he roasts his hyungs too much." He nods to himself, letting out a satisfied noise and clasping his hands together. "I say we bug Jongin into kidnapping Taemin. We'll get a great dancer too."

What happens next should've surprised Minseok, but it doesn't.

Sehun releases a battle cry of "ORA, ORA, ORAAA" and promptly smacks Baekhyun from behind with a pillow. Baekhyun lets out an undignified squawk as he retreats to the floor to escape the onslaught of hits.

"Was that a Jojo reference?" Minseok wheezes out between laughs; maturity is overrated, anyway. "Finish him!"

"Unhand me, you foul motherfucking six feet villain!" Baekhyun trashes underneath the younger, with the latter straddling his hips and mercilessly burying his face in the fluffy pillow. "This is sexual harassment!"

"No. Not until you say I'm the greatest maknae in the world." Sehun has one of the biggest shit-eating grins ever and Minseok feels glad that he's been a nice person to everyone he's met.

"You're the shittiest maknae in the world!"

"Rude. No mercy it is, then," the maknae discards the pillow before violently tickling the older's sides. "Tell me I'm pretty, hyung." He bats his eyelashes. Minseok regrets not cooking popcorn earlier, yeah, the stress of bearing his friends is worth it.

Baekhyun's hands are pushing and shoving in an attempt to get the youngest off, but his efforts are futile with the hearty laughter escaping his lips. "Little—fu—you're pretty—pretty hideous." Competitiveness shines in the pair's eyes, waiting for either one to give up. They both can get really stubborn when they feel like it and it's a sight to see.

Sehun intensifies the tickling.

"Yah. Stop! I surrender—little piece of weeaboo shit, I will set your Death Note collection on fire!"

Pure panic flashes on Sehun's face and he stops to scurry off his hyung. "I helped you pick out an outfit, hyung," he repents, bowing deeply on his knees. "I'm sorry that I have offended you. Take anything but my manga. You can take Tao for all I care. But know that I will literally cook all your eyeliner for dinner if you even look at my merch without permission."

"Minseokkie-hyung, tame the maknae, please," Baekhyun pleads as he slides his butt backwards towards the bed, using the pillow as a makeshift shield, "the mood swinging shit is out to kill me, and I have a friend to meet in two hours! This apology is a ploy to murder me and you know it."

"'Friend'," Minseok draws quotation marks in the air.

Raising an eyebrow, he silently awaits a bribe. He has to deal with his dongsaengs' shit everyday, so he might as well as demand some sort of free food or compensation in exchange for his power as the eldest hyung. Baekhyun obviously knows this because he bargains in defeat, "The largest size of any drink in the menu and any dessert of your choosing. My treat."

"Now we're talking." He hums in agreement. "How about that and
coming with me for Christmas shopping?"

"Deal!" Baekhyun agrees so quickly that he regrets not asking for more food but, oh, well. "Begone this thot from my bedroom!"

At that, all the blood drains from the maknae's face as he quickly stands up, backing away slowly with wide eyes. "Wait, hyung, have mer—"

Minseok cups his hands to his mouth and yells, "LUHAN, SEHUNNIE WANTS TO BUY BUBBLE TEA. EVERYTHING'S ON HIS TAB, HE SAYS." There's a brief second of silence before the door to Baekhyun's room is rudely slammed wide open with the second eldest standing at the door way.

"Free bubble tea? It's a date, then!" Luhan chirps, latching onto Sehun's arm. "Are you comin', Bāozi? Sharing is caring."

The eldest shakes his head and Luhan continues to beam nonetheless, dragging Sehun towards the exit. "Oh, and before I forget," he reaches into the pockets of his black shorts and shoves something into Baekhyun's chest. He looks completely unfazed at the younger's nakedness and hovers his face inches away from the diva. "Remember: Use protection and practice safe consensual sex."

"Luhan-hyung, what the fuck." Baekhyun's eyes are wide like saucers as he stares at what the elder gave him. Curiously craning his neck, Minseok sees two different things:

Three packets of condoms and a pocket-sized bottle of lubricant.

"It's for your own good." Luhan pats Baekhyun's hair before turning to Minseok and sending him an air kiss. He catches the kiss and places it to his lips before burying his hand over his heart. If it's possible, the grin on Luhan's lips grow wider at the gesture.

"Anyway, highway, Sehunnie and I have bubble tea to buy! Catch you losers later, just text if you need to buy something."

With that, the Chinese man drags the youngest away, not before Sehun sends a glare to Baekhyun that reads something like 'this is all your fault, I would kill you if it wouldn't get me kicked out and you weren't older'. Baekhyun merely flips his short hair, posing with his fingers in a peace sign. Then, the door is shut.

Minseok stares at the sex products.

"They're both strawberry flavor, Luhan comes prepared," he compliments, amusement clear on his features.

"I didn't even ask for these scandalous things," he cries out, carefully setting the things onto the bed, "I'm just a humble person who sings ballads and can learn the hardest choreos in 5 seconds because I'm a dancing machine."

"...Baek-ah, you tried doing the moonwalk and fell backwards onto your butt." Minseok raises an eyebrow, standing up to help the other get dressed. "And your obvious thirst for this Chanyeol-ssi makes me want to throw up." Despite that, he pokes through the other's closet to help get Sehun (and Kris's) suggestions. He doesn't question the blatantly stolen clothes from their friends nor Minseok's own jacket that went missing a few days ago. In terms of clothes stealing, Minseok can't really talk because he has his own collection of newly claimed clothes and it's continuing to grow every passing day. Oversized sweaters for the win!

Laying the clothes on the bed, he's pleased to see Baekhyun in a more decent state (in boxers and not stark naked, though the decency of that is debatable) and taking off the Shrek facemask. "Thank you, Minseokkie-hyung." The younger returns with a slightly dripping face and smiles at him, which Minseok gratefully returns. It's a moment of silent understanding between the two as he takes the black and gold shirt off the hanger and hands it to Baekhyun.

※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Thankfully, Baekhyun doesn't take twenty years to dress up and put on make-up (unlike Junmyeon), so it's thirty minutes earlier than the meeting time do Baekhyun and him leave to bike to the coffee shop.

"Hyungieee," Baekhyun whines as he locks his bike to the stand, "what if he doesn't want to be friends anymore? Or he's gonna stand me up and not arrive at all? Hyung, I'm internally panicking. Do you think Luhan will lend me his woman wig? Maybe I could disguise myself as a schoolgirl..."

Minseok looks up just in time as the other back hugs him, the younger nuzzling the base of his neck in a burst of affection starvation. "Don't worry, Baekhyunnie-yah." He pats the other's soft locks, ruffling the hair fondly. "I'm sure he'll love you. If he doesn't, you have the others and I to kick his ass."

"Don't say that in such a cute way, hyung." Baekhyun drapes himself over Minseok as they near the café, poking the elder's cheeks. "Swear, you could aegyo your way into world domination. But my anxiety is tripling in size and I just want to bury myself in the dirt and hide forever..."

Baekhyun has always had the habit of rambling when he was nervous, so the elder nods passively and keeps walking, anything to ease the younger's nerves. Later is the time to tease and roast as now is the time to be a good supportive hyung for his dongsaeng and... friend (crush). He glances at his watch, happy to find that they were twenty minutes early.

"...I think I see him, oh, no, send help. Hyung, if he was cute before, he's beautiful now." It doesn't even surprise him to see the fresh bloom of red on Baekhyun's cheeks. The younger is holding a lovestruck gaze as if he's gazing at a handwork of the gods. "He's wearing nice and simple clothes, did I overdress, Jesus Christ, I probably look like I'm going through my emo phase—"

"Which one is him? Don't tell me 'the cute one' because that won't help."

Baekhyun gestures at the window. "Big ears, gray-ish jacket with a white shirt that has this circle full of flowers, and he's cute and beautiful, fight me, hyung."

Through the glass, Minseok manages to find Chanyeol, who happens to be talking to someone he assumes is a fellow wingman. Why are all the males I know taller than me? he inwardly screams. "Seems like boyfriend material to me," he comments as Baekhyun detaches himself from him and promptly smacks his shoulder.

The younger stares at the ground, looks up at the sky, then lets out a tense and shaky breath. "I am Byun fucking Baekhyun and nothing is gonna stop me."

"You are Byun fucking Baekhyun and nothing is gonna stop you," Minseok agrees.

They enter Café Universe side by side. Immediately, he's hit with the aura of fresh cocoa and basks in the warmth of the coffee shop. Ah, nothing like a cup of coffee during the ungodly winds of winter. The fact that his dongsaeng is paying and buying him dessert makes things ten times better.

Suddenly, the younger rushes to hide behind Minseok. "Hyung, hide me. Let's order something first." He finds himself dragged to the queue, all while his small figure faced Chanyeol's direction. "Act natural."

"You hiding behind me despite being taller is far from natural."

"Shut up, shorty."

Minseok happily does when he receives a blueberry flavored coffee with cream and an order of cheesecake to be delivered to him. "Goddamn maknae, finding ways to secretly make me bankrupt," Baekhyun grumbles as he drinks part of his strawberry beverage. "Okay, I think I'm calm. Calm. Let's socialize."

He chuckles at that, striding in the direction of Chanyeol (and his wingman's) table. "Well, less distracting yourself and more socializing." Nudging Baekhyun to get down from La La Land, they reach the booth and there is where the eldest finally gets a closer look at the two.

The wingman is the first to notice them as he pokes Chanyeol to look up from his Nintendo DSi. "G-good afternoon," the friend greets. Black shirt with white English words, a red cap, a gray jacket tied around the waist, and black pants is what he's wearing. He seems charming, Minseok thinks to himself, what a nice voice.

"Hi, Baekhyunnie." Chanyeol smiles shyly, the edges of his lips curving in a bashful uncertainty. "Good afternoon...?" Trailing off, he cocks his head to the side.

"...Kim Minseok. I'm a '90 liner but you're free to talk informally to me."

"Oh, okay." A brief pause of realization. "That means you're our hyung! This is Kim Jongdae, he and I are '92 liners, like Baek." Minseok swears he's looking at the embodiment of sunshine, those smiles are awfully contagious. "Here, please come sit."

Minseok obliges, claiming the spot beside Jongdae while Baekhyun plops down beside Chanyeol. "Do you mind Jongdae and I being here or would you rather be left alone?" he asks, playing with the plastic number for his order.

He finds amusement in how the two look at each other in unison in question. They already look like the stereotypical couple having silent conversations with each other. What a great front-row seat.

"No, it's fine, hyung." Baekhyun's eyes are screaming 'don't leave', thus he remains in his seat for the free food. "You both can stay."

Meanwhile, Chanyeol is staring at Baekhyun with such a deeply dumbstruck look that even Yixing could tell they are whipped for each other. His eyes are focused solely on the man beside him, as if in a trance and as if the world around them didn't exist. "How've you been?" he inquires slowly, and the deepness of his voice impressing Minseok.

Baekhyun lightly scratches the tip of his nose, clearly unsure of how to answer. "Um... I'm... Ahah, well, I'm... I'm gay," he blurts out.

The eldest facepalms in secondhand embarrassment.

Chanyeol chokes on his drink.

"Yeah, same." Jongdae cackles with laughter.

A plate of cheesecake being placed on the table makes the presence of a fifth person known. "What a mood, Baekhyun-ssi," the server, Kim Taehyung snorts with an amused smile on his face. "Oh, and here's your cheesecake slice, Minseok-hyungnim."

"Is it Roast and Humiliate Byun Baekhyun Day?" the drama queen groans, banging his head on the table. "Kill me."

Minseok gratefully pulls the dessert to him. "Yah, just 'hyung'  is fine, Tae." Then, the eldest pokes at Baekhyun's hair with the handle of the knife. "Hey. You can't die. You promised to go Christmas shopping for me."

"You're a regular, I can't lose you or any of your companions. I'll be ground into coffee beans. Anyway, I've got more people to serve." Taehyung clicks his tongue, getting the plastic number and bowing. "Please enjoy your drinks and dessert. Have a nice day."

Chanyeol ruffles Baekhyun's hair. From where Minseok is, he can see the reddening of his dongsaeng's face and does not feel any sympathy whatsoever. "You want?" He directs his question to Jongdae and gestures to his cheesecake, seeing as the not-couple is busy not-flirting.

"I want those two to make-out but we all can't have nice things," Jongdae dryly points out, "but a small piece is fine with me, hyung. If it's okay."

Minseok slices the cake. "Got any juicy info about these two? All I know is that Baek raided a make-up store's eyeliner and they met then they didn't sleep because they were busy talking to each other." Pushing the plate closer to the other, he hands him one of the dessert spoons.

"They bond over their mutual love for pineapples on pizza." Jongdae scoops a part of the cake and eats it. "Horrifying, I know. Anyway, Chan panicked to me how he was 'a panicked gay' and needed my advice and comfort. He says they mutually love music; RAINISM, TVXQ!, H.O.T., yeah, those idols.

"Can't really talk, though, when I have a bigass SHINee poster on my wall." He pauses before taking another piece of the dessert. "Hoooly shit, this cheesecake is good, I'm in love."

Nodding in agreement, Minseok eats some of the cake while watching the two across from them. Lost in their own world. Sigh, being a wingman is such an underpaid job.

"Look at them." He jabs his spoon in their direction. "If the café catches fire, I bet they wouldn't notice."

"Ten thousand Won that they won't notice us leaving," Jongdae bets.

"Why not up the stakes? Ten thousand Won they make-out after they notice."

"Deal."

▲▼▲▼▲

my favorite person to write is baekhyun, wow, if you can not tell by my avid roasting.

this book is IMPLIED everyone x everyone w chanbaek as the only confirmed ship. take things how you want.

oh and yes, the outfits the people ft in this chapter are wearing are from WEEKLY IDOL episode !! the second one, not when they were wearing the red wolf uniforms.

(( i'm saying it here and now that kim minseok being the eldest in exo is a lie. ))

++ and ohmygod where did you nice people come from, i'm genuinely curious ?? did i save a korean dynasty in my past life or something. thank you so much for sticking around until now ! （๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵）♡ welcome to my story, i hope you enjoy your stay. this chapter is extra extra long just for you guys. i do my best to reply to everybody's comments, so i'm sorry if i reply to you late.

we reached 400+ views as of the publishing of this chapter, yay !

anyway, vote, comment, add to your reading lists, and have a nice day 〜 smile !