baekhyun's gay crisis and his friend's glorious cooking.

After coming to terms with the fact that he exposed his gay ass at a cosmetics shop, Byun Baekhyun could confidently say that he is 100% ready for the devil to command the earth to swallow him up into the realm of eternal suffering.

Okay, maybe not 100%... maybe a 69% if there's a cute guy in hell.

It'll only be a hundred if Chanyeol is there. Baekhyun groans at the feeling of his stomach doing backflips. feeling the urge to curl up into a ball. They texted each other the moment he got home to well past sunrise until a certain piece of shit (a dongsaeng named Oh 'Bitch' Sehun) barged into his room and demanded that they look for hidden gems in the convenience store because "everyone is asleep and poor and I know Junmyeon generously gave you funds for your eyeliner, hyung".

Baekhyun is no stranger to all-nighters, but sometimes he contemplates murder.

So far, after his impromptu food haul with Sehun, he's done nothing but stare at the ceiling while being haunted by gay feelings. He wants to message Chanyeol, but he doesn't want to disturb the taller. Also, he might confess that he may be a little gay for him, which, in South Korea, is still a bit taboo. Nonetheless, no matter how hard he tries to get his infatuation in check, it just springs up stronger than ever. He just wants to bury his face into his pillows and never face the world again.

Deciding to distract himself by seeing if anyone is around to bug them and keep them awake, he makes the difficult decision to slowly get up from the bed and head into the direction of their shared kitchen.

"Good morning, prostitute," Kyungsoo greets him as soon as he enters the dining area. The smell of something delicious wafts through the air and his mouth begins to water. He believes Kyungsoo is from the depths of hell, but the man can cook a great meal and does not give a single fuck whether Baekhyun is attracted to males, females, or eyeliner.

Food first, sleep next, then it's time to bug the hell out of people. "Mornin', Satan," he murmurs.

For a brief moment, he eyes the coffee maker on the counter. No one really uses it besides the two eldest hyungs, Minseok and Luhan, but it seems like the best way to keep himself awake to get the first hot and piping serving of Kyungsoo's godly food.

He eventually decides against it and sits at the dining table; accidentally destroying the coffee maker or using up the limited supply of caffeine is not an ideal way to piss of his elders and, in turn, die a painful death. Speaking of people, he briefly wonders what the others are doing. Catching up on sleep, studying, socializing with the outside world.

"Soo-yah, what's for breakfast?"

Kyungsoo pauses in his singing, turning his head slightly at Baekhyun's direction. "Fried rice with kimchi, I'm experimenting a recipe I found."

He nods and the younger resumes cooking. Taking out his phone, Baekhyun is pleasantly surprised to see a text message.

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
b a e k

are you there

answer me

i'm holding all your eyeliner hostage

Ignoring the swooning of his heart, he raises his eyebrows at the most recent message. Chanyeollie, you're cute and all, but no one fucks with my eyeliner, he thinks, fingers flying across the keyboard.

baekhyunnie ♡ <
bitch not the eyeliner

is this an invitation for a fight??

It doesn't take him more than a second to come up with a different sacrificial lamb for the sake of his make-up. Junmyeon will kill him if the older ever catches wind of Baekhyun willingly sacrificing 'their dear maknae' to a make-up store employee. Consequences be damned, the 'sweet and innocent' maknae raided his make-up collection and disrupted his beauty sleep.

baekhyunnie ♡ <
if u're going to take something from me take sehun

he's the little shit i talked to u abt

my life would be better w/o him

A smile unconsciously appears on his face as he thinks back to their earlier convos where they jumped from topic to topic, never experiencing a awkward dead silence between messages. They clicked together rather nicely. His heart beats a little bit faster and a little bit louder at the prospect of becoming closer.

Oh, hell, I'm too far gone, he thinks.

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
don't be rude to your friend !!

Baekhyun bites his lip, ready to send an essay roasting the youngest when the familiar typing ellipsis appears on-screen. Strumming his free hand on the table, he cocks his head in anticipation.

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
actually instead of sehun i was wondering if i could take you out instead?

He blinks once. He blinks again.

Oh.

The screech he releases does not belong to a human being.

A flush of rosy color reaches his cheeks as a sudden giddiness rises within him. Incoherent sounds escape from his lips, the strange uncontrollable euphoria he gets when he's in the same room as his idols bubbling in his stomach. The forwardness of the message is abrupt and catches him off guard in a weirdly nice way.

He wants to flop around and release the rush of dopamine. Restlessly twitching in his seat and eyes wide, he stares at the message.

"Oh, fuck me."

Baekhyun screams in surprise when a bowl is set in front of him.

"No, thanks. I don't think Sehunnie wants to either," Kyungsoo states, "what's up with you?" The younger neatly arranges the bowls and utensils per seat, taking off his apron and hanging it.

"Go suck on Jongin's face, Satan, I'm busy."

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. "Hmm, maybe later. Were you asked out on a date or something?" He must be seeing the answer in Baekhyun's panicked face because he follows-up with, "Just say yes, don't be a cowardly bitch for once in your life, Byun." But Baekhyun is made up of 100% cowardly bitch material, what is he supposed to do then?

baekhyunnie ♡ <
sORRY LATE REPLY but um sure!!

where tho?

It takes a while for a reply to appear, and, in that small span of time, the three dots on the screen have become Baekhyun's biggest fear. Did I say something wrong? he internally screams, is he offended? Maybe he's taking back the offer and—

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
oh my gOD YOu dont have to feel pressured im so sorry my friend stole my phone for .5 seconds

but if you're still interested um

does cafe universe sound good ?

Words are clogging in his brain like Korean suddenly isn't his first language. Baekhyun feels like a teenage girl, ogling his crush and cooing (screaming) at every little thing about him. Reply, think of something! Cafe Universe... isn't that the place his little circle of friends chill at every-so-often? Phew, somewhere familiar.

It's, like, Socializing 101 to have meet-ups at public places unless you're completely sure both people have good intentions and not anything murderous because, honestly, Baekhyun is too beautiful to die.

(He believes and preaches so, anyway.)

baekhyunnie ♡ <
i'm up for that ♡

i'm free today unless u'd rather have it @ a diff place n time

Okay, he just has to act cool and not his true panicking homosexual self. What the fuck was that heart, Byun Baekhyu—

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
yay !! :)

is today at 2 ish alright ?

The smiley face has Baekhyun soft and he lets out a squeal, flailing his hands around, nearly smacking someone beside him. "Oh, Jesus, sorry, hyung!" he squeaks out when he turns to face his victim.

"That's fine." Luhan is bad at hiding his amusement, there's a hint of mischievousness that makes him nervous. Baekhyun didn't even notice him sit down beside him nor realize that Kyungsoo's heavenly food was in front of him and waiting to be feasted upon.

Now that he's back in reality, he begins to process the awakening of the dorm. Footsteps and chatter could be heard from the living spaces and the bedrooms, there's the sound of a shower somewhere and someone screaming at someone else to hurry up with their make-up.

Baekhyun has his priorities, though, so he types one last message to (his crush) Chanyeol. He's never gonna live it down if word gets out that he has the hots for some cute make-up store part-timer with a love for music. It's not that his dormmates are homophobic, no, they're all aggressively supportive of that and each other, but they'll grill Chanyeol to see if he's 'worthy'. He does not need them to scare the taller away or warm up to him and begin to share embarrassing stories of Baekhyun ripping his jeans or anything of the like. No, nope, no thanks, no.

baekhyunnie ♡ <
sure!

i'll try to not be fashionably late for once

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
byun baekhyun ?? fashionable ??

error 404 park chanyeol has stopped working

baekhyunnie ♡ <
u bITCH excuse me ???

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
you're excused :)

baekhyunnie ♡ <
thAT'S IT I'M BREAKING UP W U

I'M TAKING THE KIDS & THE DOGS W ME

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
b-but baekkie  :((

baekhyunnie ♡ <
ur lucky i love u

hmph declare ur love for me by buying me eyeliner ₩₩₩

also did u just stutter in text

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
you didn't see anything

i'll pay for later for your silence

baekhyunnie ♡ <
gASP deal! prepare ur wallet boy

no takebacks!!

also i have to go breakfast is waiting for moi

don't die w/o my glorious presence

bye bye ♡♡♡♡♡

> chanyeollie chanyeollie give me the formuoli
wah rip my wallet

eat well baekkie !! see you later :D

Baekhyun shut his phone just in time before Kyungsoo smacks his back with a spatula. "Oi, the hyungs and maknaes are coming. No phones on the table," he scolds, "worry about your date later."

"Our prostitute got a date?" As Baekhyun opens his mouth to protest, Sehun takes the seat in front of him. The maknae raises his eyebrows in wonder. "Who's the lucky girl? Or guy."

"Little shit, if I was a prostitute, no one could afford me." Baekhyun huffs and pockets his phone. "And it's just a meet-up between friends, nothing more, nothing less."

Luhan snorts from beside him. "You've been staring at your phone like a lovestruck idiot with a permanent smile. Besides, sharing is caring. I can give you some pointers—"

"I'd rather not know about your escapades, Luhan-hyung," Baekhyun remarks, disgusted, "he and I are content in exploring our relationship on our own."

"Meet-up between friends, huh," Minseok emphasizes, taking a sip from his coffee.

He gasps dramatically, watching as his friends turn on him one-by-one. "You're a traitor, Minseokkie-hyung!" Gripping his heart, he wonders if he could sink into the floor and disappear under the marble.

"So it's a he." Sehun has this smug smirk on his face that Baekhyun wants to smack so badly. "Don't worry, hyung, I can help your hopeless fashion sense!" He uses this sickeningly sweet tone that contrasts his true nature as the spawn of the devil.

Rising from his seat, Baekhyun points a finger at the youngest. "My fashion sense is not hopeless. I am your hyung thus you should respect me, you little—"

"Baekhyun-ah."

He snapped his head up. "Yes, Yifan-hyung?" The others quieted down at the presence of the elder, curious of what was to come. Baekhyun has a few moments of uncanny silence to think back if he did anything wrong.

I have a date to go to and a man to stare at. I haven't been caught in any pranks on Yifan-hyung, have I?

Yifan is studying him intently from the doorway of the kitchen, slowly entering the dining area. A bead of sweat trickles down his back. Those eyes are staring at him, as if judging him for being he drama queen bitch he is.

Then, as if he didn't make Baekhyun see the light, he turns to the fridge and simply states:

"Try the new Burberry coat you got from Tao, it goes well with your Chanel eye products."

Baekhyun gapes at his hyung as his traitorous friends howl with laughter.

▲▼▲▼▲

lmao you go, krease !!

if you've made it this far, thank you ! this chapter is longer than usual cause i had fun writing it, heheh. chanbaek date is coming uP w wingman jonggay hunting for some eyecandy.

( this fanfic is so self indulgent i just realized oOPS )

exo can cook me burnt deep fried bananas and i'd honestly eat them, no complaints whatsoever.

you know the drill, please comment, vote, and add to your reading lists if you've enjoyed.

☆〜（ゝ。∂）have a nice day !