It was 8:45 at night when the train pulled into the Eugene station. I looked through the window, but didn't see Jeff waiting there. Maybe it had taken him longer than expected to drive down from Portland. A part of me wished he had changed his mind. But, then I wondered about the other part of me. The one who chose an outfit that I knew looked nice. A straight wool skirt and a cashmere sweater. I'd also set my hair the way he liked it, waves that framed my face. I suddenly felt embarrassed for wearing the jade bracelet he had bought for me the Christmas before. It was so beautiful with its gold Chinese coins and jade beads. Still, I hadn't worn it since I'd moved to Bend. Before I left to meet him, I'd debated whether to put it on. Pulling into the Eugene station I recognized my own intentions, Jeff would too. I was wearing my wool coat, his three letters remained tucked in my pocket.

As we left our seat to disembark, I started putting away the wooden stacking toy I'd been using to distract and entertain Charlie. I placed all but one of the rings into my small suitcase. I gave him a large red one to hold. He didn't like that I'd taken his playthings from him so abruptly; he let out a loud cry in protest. Then another.

"All right," I whispered and gave him a second ring to play with. He immediately focused on placing one ring on top of each other, then smashing them together. His brow furrowed in concentration. I lifted Charlie up and held him in my arms; I placed the strap of my purse over my shoulder. Somehow, I managed to pick up my medium sized overnight suitcase. I felt awkward and out of balance as I walked down the metal stairs, exiting the train through a narrow doorway. As I stepped onto the platform, Charlie threw the largest wooden ring on to the cement walkway. I could have screamed with frustration. It was hard to manage him and the bag and I looked around for an open space to put my luggage amongst the crowd while I looked for Jeff. When I turned around Jeff was standing in front of me holding the wooden toy ring. He gave it back to Charlie. My heart dropped when I saw Jeff. I didn't know if it was fear or my old feelings rising to the surface. He always made me feel self-conscious; he was so handsome and confident. When Charlie saw him, he dropped the toy again and he reached out his arms. Jeff took him from me and held him with in the crook of one arm and then reached down and lifted my bag with the other. I picked up the wooden rings and put them in my purse.

"I can carry it, you have the baby." I said to him.

"Don't be silly," Then he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, "you look beautiful Eve. Very, very pretty."

It was as if we were a family. It was as if he was my husband meeting me at the train station after a visit with out of town relatives. And, Charlie, the way he took to Jeff. It was all like a dream where everything is a little off kilter. Things looked normal and happy, but a haunting feeling purported doom.

Jeff led us through the crowd then outside of the small train station. He stopped at the curb in front of a shiny silver sports car. He put the luggage down for a second. Charlie was hiding behind Jeff's shoulder and then looking at me, smiling. Jeff lifted him up high and then when he pulled him down he kissed Charlie's belly. Charlie squealed with laughter. Then, Jeff handed my baby back to me.

"He takes to you," I said, kissing Charlie on the cheek.

Jeff gave me a knowing look as if to say, "I'm his father after all."

"It's cold," he said. "Let's get into my car and we'll go back to the hotel so you can freshen up." Jeff stopped and looked at me, Charlie was reaching for him again. "Did I tell you, you look very pretty?"

I felt myself grow flush. I wanted to cry but instead I nodded.

He moved closer, enough so that I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he unlocked my car door and opened it for me; then he stepped back. It caused a rush of desire to rise in me. I climbed in and held Charlie in my arms. After putting my small suitcase in the trunk, Jeff entered on his side and sat behind the wheel.

Immediately Charlie reached for the buttons and I pulled him closer to me so he couldn't reach them. I gave him the wooden toys again and settled him on my lap. I tapped the wooden pieces together. Charlie examined me, looking at me with a mischievous expression, a smile and curious eyes. I tapped the rings together then hid one on the side of the seat. He laughed as I pulled it up back into his line of vision. I had forgotten I was with Jeff; I was so focused on Charlie.

"Look at how smart he is. He's so funny," I blurted as if I were sitting with Frank or Mary. Realizing where I was, I looked over and Jeff had been watching us. He was smiling at the baby.

"He's so beautiful, Eve. May I hold him again?"

I lifted Charlie and handed him over. Charlie was intent on playing with the row of buttons that ran under the radio grill. Jeff let him pull them in and out.

"How is it that you let him fuss with the buttons but never let me?" I had softened a little with him. I was teasing.

"He's a baby. And you're a grown woman. You should know better, shouldn't you?" I could never win a sarcastic banter with him. "But maybe you're right. Maybe he shouldn't be doing that. How about you play with the steering wheel, Charlie?" He said in a soft, loving voice I'd never heard before.

"Jeff I'm sorry about being so indecisive. I know you love Charlie." I looked down at my hands. I had forgotten to remove my gloves. I pulled them off, and placed them in my handbag. When I looked up at him, his blue eyes were fixed on me. As I had before, I felt as if I were drowning. Charlie had pulled himself up to the steering wheel. He had his mouth on the steering wheel.

"He may chew the leather. I don't want him to ruin it." I warned.

I felt as though Jeff was examining me. He looked down for a moment. I saw that he'd noticed I was wearing the bracelet he had given me. He reached over to me and ran his fingers over the charms. Then, he felt the top of my hand and traced my bare skin. "May I kiss you Eve?" I was breathless and this was just how it had been when we were together in Sellwood. He would find me, see inside of me and my feelings would grow to the point that I couldn't contain them. I had hoped this time would be different. But, it wasn't.

"No Jeff. I don't think that's a good idea."

He smiled and narrowed his eyes, flirting with me, "Why isn't it a good idea, Eve?"

I pulled my hand away and placed it on my lap. I turned and looked out the window. Although the weather was cool, it was a sunny. The light outside reminded me of a spring day. "Because you're married," I said. I didn't look back at him. For a time it was quiet but then Charlie started making sounds as he mouthed the steering wheel. "Ba. Ba. Ba..."

"Eve, can you take the baby while I drive us to the hotel?"

Finally, I turned around and took Charlie in my arms, but I didn't look directly at him. Jeff started the engine. Then he touched my shoulder. "Eve," he consoled, "You'll get used to this."

I turned to the window again and closed my eyes. I took shallow breaths and I could feel twine wrapping around me. The feeling of being bound. He started the car and pulled out of the parking spot and on to the road. I opened my eyes and we were passing a busy center of town. The same one I'd driven through in the taxi. Back then Eugene seemed so large, but this time I could see that it was incredibly small.

When he spoke to me, I was so lost in thought, his voice was far away. "There's a movie theater. A sandwich shop. Look, there's a dress shop Eve. Won't it be great?"

Charlie started trying to bounce on my lap, and then he reached for Jeff again.

"No. No. baby," I whispered and pulled Charlie back on to my lap. I tried to distract him with the wooden toy again.

Jeff was enthusiastic, "Eve how about we go and drive through some of the neighborhoods? Just look?"

"No Jeff. I don't want to," I snapped.

He pulled the car over. I turned again to look out the window.

"Eve look at me."

I turned and faced his direction him but looked beyond him out the widow.

"No. Look at me."

"I looked up and into his eyes."

"Stop it. Eve, I'm growing weary of this."

"So, you stop. Don't do it anymore. Stop telling me what to do! Don't tell me I'll get used to it."

"Haven't I been kind to you? Aren't I being kind to you right now? Kind to our son?"

"I don't like you saying that. I don't like you calling him your son" I countered.

He raised his eyebrows and assumed an expression of hurt and anger. "Well Eve, I'm sorry you have such big ideas about who you are and what you want. But, the fact is that you don't make all the decisions here."

"I'm only here because you've threatened me."

"Is that so?" he said.

"What do you think?"

He pulled away from the curb again and I stared out at the little downtown. Eugene was like a miniature city with mountains and farmlands in the distance. On the train ride, I had seen forests turn to trees then to farms and then a small city. I'd followed the Willamette River as far as the train pushed along parallel to it.

When we parked in the hotel parking lot. He turned to me. "Wait here."

I sat uncomfortably in the vinyl seats. I was growing too warm in my long wool coat and I put Charlie again at the steering wheel where he held himself up. I wiggled out of my coat and threw it in the back. Charlie had squirmed down and was playing with the handle that rolled down the window. I smoothed my cashmere sweater and adjusted my skirt.

"Come here you busy baby," I said and pulled him over to me. I held him on my lap again, facing me and helped him jump up and down, something he could do for hours without growing bored. I blew raspberries into his face as he laughed. He reached for my pearls and twisted them up in his fingers. I untangled them and blew another raspberry.

Jeff returned and removed my overnight bag from the trunk before he came around and opened my door. He helped me step out of the car with Charlie in my arms.

"We're all checked in," he had resignation in his voice. I could tell he was frustrated with me.

"You checked us in as brother and sister?"

"No. They only had one room when I called and we look more like a family anyway."

"So we only have one room? Are you leaving tonight?"

"I wasn't planning to." He assumed an authoritative position. I knew he would act as if everything I said were hysterical or irrational. But, my objection wasn't irrational, I knew that.

"Jeff, why would you do it?"

He remained silent and raised his eyebrows, kept his jaw tight. "Are we going to keep the baby out in the cold?"

I wanted to call Mary or find another hotel. I could make up an excuse and get myself out of this situation.

"Try to act like a wife," he whispered as we entered the lobby.

As soon as we entered the hotel a woman behind the desk called out to us. "Please let me know if you need anything Mr. and Mrs. Lambert. Oh wait a minute. I just have to get a look at your beautiful child!" She walked around the desk and came over to us. She was one of those young women who had the air of an older woman. More like a grandmother than a woman of childbearing age.

"Mr. Lambert, his resemblance to you is striking. Don't you think Mrs. Lambert?"

I nodded but couldn't feign a smile. I grew warm in my sweater and wool skirt. I wanted it all to be over and I hated playing along.

Jeff tipped his hat "That is the greatest compliment, Miss. If you'll excuse us, I'm going to take my wife upstairs to freshen up. She's had a long trip."

"Oh of course. You really are a beautiful family!"
Finally, I smiled at her and followed as Jeff led me to the elevator. I stepped in and he pressed the button for the 6th floor. Charlie squirmed in my arms trying to touch the buttons.

"No sweetheart," I whispered to Charlie, but Jeff took him from me and held him over the buttons.

"We'll stop at every floor now, Jeff!" I couldn't stand this side of him.

"I never get to see him, let me indulge him."

I waited in frustration after Charlie pushed all the buttons and the elevator stopped at each floor, doors opening and then taking a long moment to close and started up again. Just hearing the mechanical sound at each interruption hit on every one of my nerves. I stood against the wall of the elevator shaking my head. Watching Charlie laugh with delight.

"Here we are," Jeff said putting his hand on my shoulder, leading me down the hall.

I stopped before we reached the room. "This feels terrible Jeff." I had softened.

"Why?"

"I don't want to stay in a room with a married man."

He put his hands on my shoulders and stared into my eyes. He adjusted my hair around my face. "Eve, we know each other. Until a few months ago we loved each other. I still love you."

I turned away. "I don't want to do this!"

"Eve please, it hurts me when you act like this. I won't ask you to do anything you don't want to, but, please try to be at least cordial with me." At that, he put his arm on my waist and led me short distance into the room. At the door, he turned and put the key in. Even the lock's quiet, metal click startled me. I was afraid to walk through the door. I didn't know how I would make it through the night. The room was a suite with a small sitting area to one side; it was a de-facto baby's room. The hotel staff had set up a crib with blankets and a colorful mobile with flowers and blue and white stars. There was a sliding door separating the two rooms; Charlie would still be close enough that I could hear him cry if he needed me. Jeff must have arranged for these adjoining quarters, I thought. Rather than the awkwardness of discussing who would take the bed, I decided I would sleep on the couch in the room with the baby.

It was a fancier hotel than anywhere I'd ever stayed before. The bed was neatly made with puffed pillows. There was a small table to one side of the bedroom with upholstered two chairs. There was a large paned window with drawn gold and green tapestry drapes. Jeff walked over and pulled open the fabric revealing the city right there below us. We were high enough that our room allowed us to down over the main street. It was lit up with neon signs and street lamps. The glowing kaleidoscope of colors made a sentimental glow. Further beyond the lighted town there was mostly darkness. I noticed clusters of white lights here and there across the blackened landscape outside the city. I knew they came from houses in the small neighborhoods nestled around the outskirts. Further in the distance I could see one or two flickering spots.

"I'll take the baby while you freshen up." Jeff walked over and lifted Charlie out of my arms.

"I have to feed him and change his diaper." I said.

"I can do that."

"All right. I usually nurse him, but I packed some bottles with formula. There's one already prepared."

He smiled, "Where's is it?"

"Honestly Jeff, you can feed a baby and change his diaper?" I asked with exaggerated disbelief. I removed the bottle from my overnight bag and walked over to where he was standing, by the widow and handed it to him.

"Is that so hard to believe?" He took the bottle and shook it gently and removed the top. He held out the cap for me to take it from him.

I couldn't help but smile at him. He looked so vulnerable. I could tell he really knew how. "It's a little hard to believe, that's all. I wouldn't take you for the type."

He was holding the bottle for Charlie and cradling him in his arms while he fed him. Jeff didn't look up at me. "Don't forget I have experience with my own baby."

My smile faded and I walked over to the bed and sat down. I put my face in my hands. Seeing him loving towards Charlie was suddenly tainted with the thought of him at home talking with his wife in the same way, holding their child. His own baby. I had the image of him doting on and caring for their baby. I started crying. Jeff placed Charlie in the crib and sat down next to me. "Darling," he whispered. "Don't cry. Sweet Eve, please don't get so upset." He straightened my hair and rubbed my back. I turned around and faced him. Holding the rail of the crib, Charlie had pulled himself to standing; he was content to watch us. Then he let himself fall back on his behind. He busied himself with a blanket.

"Eve. Please give me a chance to prove how much I cherish you. Don't cry, I don't like seeing you unhappy."

I nodded.

"Very few men would offer you what I'm offering you." He wiped a tear from under my eye. "You know that don't you?"

"What are you offering me Jeff?"

"I'm offering to take responsibility. I'm doing it because I love Charlie. But, Eve I love you too. I want to live with you as husband and wife."

"Are you asking me to marry you?"

His expression was so tender. I felt like I was the only woman he could possibly love. I felt as if he were proposing to me. "Would it matter?" he said.

I nodded and tears came to my eyes again. I covered my eyes and lay back on the bed and cried in to the pillow.

"Shhh. Please talk with me, darling."

I turned but didn't face him. I kept looking down at my hands, at Nick's ring. "I'm so sad Jeff. It's been so hard."

"Then let me take care of you."

"If we didn't get married I'd be hurt all of the time. It would be too hard. I'd be too jealous."

He turned his head to the side and smiled. "Don't you know?"

I looked up at him, "What?"

"There's no one but you. What do you have to be jealous of?"

"Well then marry me. If I'm the only one you love."

"Suppose we were to get married, why would you want to be married to me?"

"To make Charlie legitimate."

"He will be. We're his parents and for all anyone will know --even without getting married-- he will be legitimate. You saw how the girl downstairs acted towards us." He moved a loose strand of hair from my cheek, "Is there any other reason you want to to marry me?"

I looked in his eyes. I didn't want to hurt him but I couldn't lie. I shook my head and whispered "No."

His shoulders relaxed and he looked down. I knew I'd hurt him. "Oh. God Eve. I can't take it." He stood and walked over to the window. Charlie had pulled himself up again and was making repeating "Ba. Ba. Ba! " He was saying it loudly as if he was yelling for Jeff to come to him.

"I think he wants you," I laughed, drying my eyes and sitting up again. I knew I shouldn't keep hurting Jeff, but I didn't like longing for a man I knew made love to another woman. It discredited every compliment, every promise he made to me. No matter how much I wanted to believe him. Besides, he knew how I really felt about him. He didn't need to make me confess it. He knew I loved him. It only grew deeper seeing him with Charlie.

Charlie's babble turned insistent and louder. He was facing Jeff and clearly yelling out for attention. He let out a loud scream "Ba!" Jeff turned to me, and smiled in amusement over Charlie's personality. Jeff kept his gaze fixed on mine for a moment and I examined him. He looked so handsome with his tie loosened. Such an intimate way he had, as if we were a family at home together. I knew that it would never seem that way with any other man. Jeff was Charlie's father and besides, there was no one else like Jeff. It was the same, back in Sellwood when he was casual around me, in those intimate moments when we were friends and confidants. I'd felt privileged that he showed me that side of him when ordinarily he was so impeccably dressed and in control of things. Back then, when I was around him, it didn't take long for me to lose my sense of everything but him. I'd felt it happening again when I saw him standing on the railway platform at the train station. The moment I saw him holding the toy Charlie had dropped. Always catching me by surprise, doing the right thing.

Once I'd slipped into that frame of mind, I felt that Jeff's attention towards me was an honor. I revered him. It was an exaltation that stirred such a deep passion that I felt I couldn't control my emotions. It sounded foolish, but it was as if I were under a spell. It wasn't an hour together in the hotel room before I'd decided to relocate to Eugene and be with him in whatever way he designed. At the same time, I recognized the power shifting again. It was always subtle at first. I was aware of it while he watched me with adoration in his eyes and spoke to me with flirtation and affection. I felt myself slipping and I believed he must have felt it too. Perhaps that was his intention because in all the time I knew him, once I surrendered, our situation always turned against me; I became the one pleading for him while he controlled our intimacy. Sometimes it took longer than others to hypnotize me and although I succumbed willingly, that time in Eugene it was so tenuous. Somewhere embedded in the seduction, I recognized his desire for me to beg him for whatever he'd give me. That was how it had always been with him. I was ashamed because in the past, I'd abandoned self-respect and had pleaded helplessly for him to love me or to be with me. To give me anything. Every single time, he'd become firm and look down on me as if I were a child. "I've made my decision. Get control of yourself."

Charlie increased his pitch even further and he was yelling, "Ba.Ba.Ba!"

Jeff raised his eyebrows. "My little boy knows what he wants. "He walked over and picked Charlie up from the crib and Charlie gave him a mischievous smile. "How did this little baby get so smart?" He began feeding him again and Charlie settled in the crux of his arm.

"You really don't know?" I teased. I stood up and walked to the mirror.

"Likely it's your side." He said while keeping his eyes on Charlie.

"Don't be modest," I said. I powered my face and applied lipstick. "You're the genius."

He walked over and stood next to me, still holding Charlie. "Is that really what you think?"

I looked up at him, the lipstick still in my hand. "That you're a genius? Of course, I know you are."

"Thank you Eve." He had that same earnest, serious way that he did when he'd sketched in my garden and then talk to me about his art. Letting me into some private place. He paced across the room comforting Charlie. Again, I came to doubt myself. I was so enamored with him that I chastised myself for even thinking he was manipulating me and trying to restore his power. I felt a weight of shame descend. When I looked back into the mirror, I could see them the reflection. Charlie was pulling on Jeff's tie and starting to put it in his mouth. I loved seeing him with my baby.

Instinctively I went over and took Charlie from Jeff. I spoke softly to him, "Don't do that to daddy's tie." I pretended to scold. At that Charlie reached for my hair and pulled down the side I had put up.

Jeff moved closer. I hadn't thought of him as Charlie's father until that moment. Jeff stood very near to me. He walked through that curtain of propriety. He straightened my hair and leaned down and held his lips an inch from mine. I surrendered. Charlie was ever present in my thoughts, beyond that there was only Jeff.

"I like when you say I'm his father." His lips finally touched mine. I let him kiss me.

"Shall we take a walk and get a sandwich? Or we can go somewhere else? I'd like to show you Broadway and all of the things we'll do there."

I shifted my weight and backed away from him a bit. "Maybe we should stay here. We could have room service?"

He moved closer to me. "Why should we do that Eve?" He whispered as he kissed my neck. "You always have such good ideas, darling."

He looked at me again and smiled. I was too embarrassed to acknowledge that I wanted to be alone with him; maybe I hadn't even realized it until it the suggestion came out. I pulled away and I carried Charlie over to the bed, sat down and laid him on his stomach. He was trying hard to scoot towards the headboard.

I didn't look at Jeff; I kept my eyes on Charlie. "I'm just saying that because it may be easier for Charlie than going out. I didn't mean--"

"You didn't mean?"

"That's why I suggested staying in the room. Honestly. Please don't embarrass me, Jeff."

"No. I think staying in the room is a brilliant idea. See I told you he gets it from his mother."

I felt so elated again. I sat against the headboard with Charlie on my lap. I held both his hands and played a game with him of lifting his hands and holding them and dropping them down fast. After a moment, his expression changed and he didn't like the game any more. I could see he was getting fussy. He was tired.

"He's tired," I said. "He'll sleep well tonight. He always does on busy days."

"Let me order the food while you put him to bed. I was thinking maybe we should order a couple of bottles of beer too?"

"I only remember having a drink with you once before and it turn out so well did it?"

"Eve, that was because you insisted on a glass of my scotch. Besides you weren't too drunk. I remember -- even if you don't."

I remembered that night. It was the night he had given me the jade bracelet. He'd been so nervous, clasping it on my wrist. He had told me to always wear it. So I would think of him every time it jingled. It was so different then. There was no anger or disappointment. I simply wouldn't let it surface. I didn't think about his wife and as a result he usually treated me as if I were on a pedestal. That night back in Sellwood I'd had a glass of his scotch to celebrate. I became very silly and felt so embarrassed the next day.

"A girl's not supposed to like scotch. That was the problem. But you were awfully cute even with your silliness."

"Don't remind me of it, all right? I hated the way it made me feel and how it burned my throat."

"Don't tell me you never had a drink before that night?"

"Of course I did." Charlie was nestling up to me, starting to grow drowsy. I adjusted him on my shoulder.

"All right, when?"

"I don't remember but I'm sure I have."

"I think you've only had one drink in your life. You should have a beer with me tonight. I like seeing you loosen up." He was still holding the phone waiting to call room service.

"I don't need a drink to—" I smiled and I could tell from his expression that it was one of my old smiles, adoring and ready to match his flirtation.

"You aren't being coy are you, darling?"

I kept smiling. "No I'm a mother now. It wouldn't be proper. Besides, I wouldn't know the first thing about being coy."

He hung up the phone. "Put the baby down."

I walked over to the sitting area, and gently lowered Charlie into the crib. He was already fast asleep and when I kissed him I heard his rhythmic breathing, "I love you," I whispered. I closed the door all but a crack and walked back into the hotel room.

"I put the baby to bed," I announced. "Just as you requested."

Jeff moved next to me and held me. "Don't drive me crazy anymore, Eve. I don't think I can stand it."

"Why do you let yourself go crazy over me?"

He leaned down and kissed me. "I wouldn't if I could help myself. Don't you know that? If I didn't love you so much, I'd have let you let you leave the first time you rejected me. But you've rejected me so many times. I just keep wanting you every minute. God, look at you." He kissed my neck.

I pulled away for a moment and teased him, "I think I'm being seduced. I feel as if I'm going to faint."

"Do you really? Faint?"

I nodded. "You always make me feel this way."

"I think you'd better lay down until it passes."

Everything else disappeared. Having his attention focused on me. All of his seductive words. In that moment, I didn't feel any shame at all. Just as I hadn't all those months in Sellwood. Once he had his hook in me, I was under his spell. He held my hand and let me to the bed. I sat down and he sat next to him. He removed the clips and let my hair fall. He touched my face, moving a strand of hair and running his hand over the rest of it. "Do you remember that first time I sketched you in your garden? We hardly knew each other and yet you let me in. Do you remember? You did that because you loved me, isn't that right?"

I nodded and put my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and felt his strength.

"Eve, I was already in love with you by then."

I looked up at him and touched his hair. I kissed his cheek. "Why won't you marry me then?"

"Eve." He was so serious and his blue eyes looked so full of love for me. "Sweet Eve, just trust me."

I kissed him and he put his hand on my neck and moved my hair before he bent over and kissed the tender skin. "Eve take off your clothes," he whispered kissing his way up my neck, back up to my mouth.

I stood and removed my sweater and skirt. I was about to remove my slip when Jeff pulled me to him. He held both of my hands and gently guided me back down to the bed. He kissed me.

I was lost in him.

"Eve," he quietly implored. "Do you really love me?"

I stopped and looked into his eyes while he waited. Then, I nodded.

"Say the words."

"I love you Jeff."

"Then why do you tell me you don't?"

"I'm jealous."

He pulled the strap of my slip over my shoulder, he kissed the tender area. "Eve, I'm going to make love to you."

"I want you to."

"Tell me you belong to me." He was on top of me. He held my stare. I felt a rush of fear run through me. Not fear for my safety but fear of falling into the endless well. Of being alone in my feelings. Of giving everything to him. Of giving myself to him, belonging to him. But, knowing he belonged to someone else.

"Eve. Say the words. So I know it's true."

He waited. It seemed I was more important to him than anything else.

My eyes filled with tears, he waited and watched my expression.

He lowered his voice and seemed so vulnerable. "Please say it. For me."

I looked away and felt so embarrassed. "I belong to you Jeff. I'm yours."

After we made love, Jeff and I talked about all the things I had forgotten we had in common. Or maybe they were the things we admired about each other. Charlie slept through the night. Being in the hotel suite, with Jeff and our baby, it felt like home. It seemed as if I had forgotten the things that frightened me so much about Jeff. It wasn't that I pushed them aside; they simply just didn't exist any more. Eugene was going to be my home and even in the hotel room, I could feel the difference in me.

After a little while he fell asleep. The marquees and the shops cast red and yellow hues as I lay beside Jeff and watched his peaceful sleep. His face was so relaxed. He was a strong, brilliant man. He loved me. I realized in those early hours that was love and his words were not lies. The way he touched me and looked at me. And what he said was true. He didn't have to take care of us. Most men wouldn't. I knew that. I hadn't realized it. I also came to see that what he said about my reputation was also accurate. It was a matter of time before people in Bend found out. No matter what I chose, I was living a lie. I leaned over and softly pressed my lips against his cheek. I touched his face. I felt so overwhelmed being back with him. I thought how we had been together less than an hour before. I had always felt it was unfair of him to make me say I belonged to him. Not that he made me, but I was so intimidated by him and wanted him so much, always. But this time when I looked into his eyes and he told me to say the words, I released myself to him.

He opened his eyes and looked at me "Eve, darling. Why are you still awake?"

"I'm watching you, I can't stop looking at you. I'd forgotten what you do to me."

He was sleepy but he pulled himself up and leaned against the headboard. "What do I do to you, my sweet girl?" he pulled me closer and I kissed his him.

"I worship you. I always have. I haven't been patient or – I have been very unkind to you since I left. I don't know why I do these things."

He pressed his lips against mine. "You always surprise me. You always make me crazy. Every minute."

"I'm sorry."

"Eve, one of the reasons I love you is that you're a spirited girl. You are like a velvet hammer."

It made me laugh. "What's a velvet hammer?"

"You're so womanly and soft. You seem just like any other woman."

"But I am like any other woman." I held my arms up and turned to the side for him to inspect me. "Look me over. I'm just the same make and model. Really, have a look."

"Don't be silly right now. Eve you're not like every other woman. You are so stubborn, and strong willed."

"I'm not." I said kissing his lips. I moved on top of his lap. I put my arms around his neck. He gently removed them and held them.

"I know you can take care of yourself. But, what I worry about is how you come to your decisions."

"I know that now. But, I felt I had no choice."

He softened and leaned close to me. He rubbed his hand on my cheek. "You are unlike most women. That's all I'm saying. And it's the reason I've loved all this time and so deeply. But, it also keeps me awake at night."

"Don't you think you're exaggerating? Making me out to be someone I'm not? I think you have this idea of me. I'm afraid I could never really live up to it. Once I move here, one day you'll wake up next to me and find you're with an entirely different girl than the one you thought you loved. Then you won't want me any more. You'll find another and then turn her into the person you idolize. Where will I be then?"

He tightened his jaw and narrowed his brow. "Do you really think that?"

"You make me feel that way sometimes. Often you do."

"See that's what I mean. You're not afraid to speak to me this way."

"I'm not spirited because I disagree with you. Most women disagree with their husbands. Carmen bosses Harry around all the time."

"Well I'm not Harry. And, besides this isn't an attack on you. I don't even know how we started this." He looked around the room. "Here hand me my watch, darling."

I reached over and picked his up his watch the bedside table beside me. I held it just out of his reach.

"What are you doing?"

"Being spirited."

"You are? Are you?"

He reached for it and I pulled it away.

"You have to kiss me first." I said.

He reached again. And when I pulled the watch away and he grabbed me around the waist pulled me closer. I was still on top of him but I could hold my hand far enough behind my back that he couldn't get to the watch. He stopped and frowned at me. "You treat me horribly." I brought the watch from behind me and held it in my palm in front of him. He looked at the time.

"Its four in the morning. You woke me up at 4 o'clock to torment me?" He pulled me to him and kissed me passionately. He pulled away then kept his hands on my shoulders preventing me from leaning in and kissing him again. I could only get so far as inches from his face. He kept turning away every time I leaned forward to kiss him.

"See how it feels?" he whispered.

"Please don't leave me this way. Kiss me. I'll do anything you ask."

"See, how can you say you're not rebellious? Most girls would wait for a man to make the advance. Not make the first move, not ask a man to kiss her."

"Kiss me." I struggled to kiss him. "I don't care about my pride."

He pulled away again.

"Admit it." He teased.

"Admit what?"

"That you're a complicated woman and I'm a very patient man."

I laughed and struggled free and moved across the bed. "I don't feel like kissing you any more."

He took my arm and led me back to him. He guided me down and positioned himself on top of me again. He looked into my eyes before he kissed me passionately before he made love to me.

"I love you," he said softly. "I love you Eve Miller."

After we'd made love again, we both relaxed beside each other, Jeff lying on his side, tracing the lace of my slip.

"I'm sorry I'm so much trouble," I said.

"You're not that much trouble," he gently straightened a piece of my hair. "You're really not."

"Do you really love me, Jeff?"

"I do."

"Are you going back to sleep?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"I'm not tired." I said.

"Why is that?"

"I'm too happy."

A big smile crossed his lips. "About?"

"You. Living in Eugene with you."

He smiled and laid on his back, settling in for more sleep, I thought.

"You know, maybe I should just get myself ready for the day and prepare Charlie's things? I mean, he'll be up shortly and then I'll have to feed him and order our breakfast." I looked around the room, thinking. "There's a iron in the closet, should I press your shirt and pants?"

Jeff's blue eyes filled with affection. He moved closer to me and kissed my neck, it ticked. "Jeff what are you doing?" I laughed. He pulled me closer and I tried to squirm away, "I just said I have to start getting things ready."

"What a wonderful wife you're going to make me," he said acting as if he were going to devour me while I let out a little squeal.

"Shhhh." He said affectionately, holding me in place, "you'll wake the baby."

We were looking into each other's eyes and the smiles faded. It was as close as I'd ever felt to him.

"When should I plan on moving? I have a lot to do, but I want to as soon as possible. Now that I've decided, I don't want to be away from you a minute longer. I can't be. I'll die." I smiled at him. "Maybe we'll have time to look at the neighborhoods before my train leaves? Who knows? Maybe we can even find a house for sale!"

He rolled back on his side and looked at me, propping his head on his hand, tracing the lines of my stomach over the silk of my slip. "Well, let's see. Hmmm. We'll have to think about that."

"About what?"

Then he grew serious, "Just think through the arrangements." He had a reserved tone.

I laughed. "Why are you being so mysterious all of a sudden?"

"I'm not." He touched my hair and tucked it behind my ear. "It's just that..."

I waited and it was so silent in the room; I heard the ticking of his watch from where I'd placed it back on my bedside table. The sun was coming up, the neon colors fading. There was a dark blue sky becoming lighter each moment.

"I didn't realize this would be so complicated." He said. "I honestly thought it would take a little more convincing."

I touched his face. I felt my heart drop as it always did after I'd given myself to him. This was part of it. Making me surrender to him, followed by his cruelty. "I thought you had it all planned out." I was beginning to stiffen. "That you'd already started looking."

He held my hand. "I did, darling. But it's more complicated than you think. Eve it's not like it can happen tomorrow."

"If we aren't going to do it now, when can we do it? I want to be with you. I've gotten my hopes up."

"It's just complicated, that's all" He kissed my bare shoulder. "I want to be with you too."

"Have you changed your mind? Do you still want to get a house and be together?"

His response was blunt and unapologetic. "Eve, of course. Why would I be telling you to make arrangements if I didn't want you to? It's just complicated because I will be gone for three months, but, after that, we'll –you and me—we'll look for something. Early June. You'll have to be patient."

"Well, where are you going for three months?"

"I'll be in England."

He got out of bed and put his pants on, not looking at me.

"Jeff, I don't understand. I'm sorry. What are you doing in England?"

He put his shirt on and sat on the bed next to me. He looked down at the floor and then finally he turned to me. I pulled the sheet up to cover my body. He reached to the table and put on his watch. "Eve, Margaret's mother is very ill. We're going to England for three months. We'll bring Clara. I'm taking a sabbatical."

I didn't say anything. All of the blood rushed from my body. I truly hated him. I rose from bed and put on my long robe. I walked over to Charlie's crib and he was still fast asleep. I thought of how tired he must have been to stay asleep for that long. Packing, the train ride, all the excitement of seeing Jeff and my carousel of emotions. I felt Charlie was his own little being and at the same time, still a part of me. When my heart raced or I grew frightened, I imagined it weighed on him.

"He was tired, wasn't he?" I whispered to Jeff although I didn't look at him. I continued to stare at Charlie.

"Eve? Does this upset you? It's not something I could avoid. I don't see how it changes anything. I suppose I should have told you yesterday."

The truth was, as much as I had let myself drift away --or more than drift away—as much as I'd surrendered, I never forgot who the real Jeff was. I had let myself drift into that sea of ignorant bliss again, a complacent place where I had no mind of my own. No wishes. A place where I began to doubt the value of the things I wanted. In a few short hours I had existed in that place with him. A little bubble. But, no matter how wonderful it had felt to have his undivided attention and adoration, the illusion that he would really love me wasn't difficult to shatter at all.

"Upset? No, I understand perfectly. I really do." I stood up and fastened my robe tighter. I turned and faced him. I knew I had an impatient look on my face. Suffering his childish excuses.

"Then why does your voice sound like that?"

"Jeff," I said sweetly, "you can't expect me to always have a loving tone towards you when you're such a colossal liar."

He sat on the bed; I was certain that he was unsure of himself after my comment. I was also sure he was thinking of a way to bring me back into that orbit. That was it. I looked at him for a long moment. I didn't say a word, but I thought of what he had said about me. What Mary had said about me too. That I was spirited. I knew I wasn't. Rather, I recognized lies and no matter how hard I tried to accept them, they invaded me. Cancer. I wouldn't fool myself.

"Eve, that was very unkind. You're angry. But, what do you have to be angry about? Didn't you want more time with Mary and Frank?"

"Shh, darling." I whispered in my same saccharine tone, "our baby is still sleeping." I retrieved my overnight bag and placed it on the chair. I opened it and threw my clothes and Charlie's things into it. I was so furious I was roughly shoving my belongings into the luggage. That was the first time I hadn't crumbled with his rejection, cried while he comforted me. Him growing larger and stronger while I became weak. My new resolve changed everything.

Jeff walked over to me and stood next to me. "Look at me Eve."

As much as I felt capable of controlling my emotions, I couldn't obey him. "I don't want to look at you," I said not softly, not a whisper or deference, just calmly. I didn't expect it, but he took me by my shoulders and turned facing him. His grip was firm.

"We are settling this now."

"Please take your hands off of me." I said, glaring at him.

"No." He tightened his hold and pulled me closer to him. "Eve, I never know what to say to you. Your moods shift so suddenly."

"Let go!" I pulled away from him, "That isn't true. Stop saying I'm hysterical when you just made love to me and neglected to tell me you're spending three months with your wife. How much do you think I can take?"

"Why do you fight me all the time?"

"Do you really want me to be a woman who you keep on the side, while you go to Europe with your wife and child? While Charlie and I sit in an empty house? And you. You've taken everything from me! You and Margaret get to stay in Portland! In my neighborhood. You've taken everything that was mine! You're a thief. A terrible man. I'm not the kind of woman you want me to be. I'm not going to become one either"

"I beg to differ." He said and walked to the bathroom, buttoning his shirt.

I ran to the doorway and shouted, "you beg to differ what?!"

"You're not so much the woman you think you are." He said. His face lacked any expression.

"Get out of my life!" I screamed. Charlie let out a shriek.

"Now look what you've done!" He sneered and pushed hard past me towards the crib.

I followed closely behind. "Leave my baby alone!"

He stopped in the middle of the room before he got to the sitting area where the crib was. He looked at me, "You're in no condition to tend to him right now."

"How dare you!" I yelled and I walked towards the crib to get Charlie. As I tried to pass him, he caught me and then pushed me hard in the other direction. I lost my balance and fell to the floor. As I did, he leaned into the crib and picked up Charlie. He held him in his arms and calmly rocked him as he walked towards the window. I picked myself up off the ground. A horrible feeling descended on me. I sat on the edge of the bed. I was so stunned to see what this whole thing was turning into.

No matter how Jeff tried, he couldn't soothe Charlie; the baby was screaming and crying. His face was red and he was reaching for me, pulling away from Jeff. Jeff turned in my direction, "See what you've done?"

I stood and rushed over and took Charlie from Jeff's arms. "You're ridiculous. See what I've done? You should know a baby wakes up screaming every day. He's hungry!"

Jeff remained across the room, staring out the window, fuming.

"Don't ever lay a hand on me again!" I yelled to him. "Do you understand me?"

He sat on the chair and took several deep breaths.

"I'll get a taxi back to the station. You should leave." I said.

His expression softened. He let a breath out and looked out the window before looking back at me. He rubbed his chin. "No Eve." He gripped the arms of the chair and stood up. He didn't walk towards me. "You're not taking a taxi. I'm sorry I pushed you down. I don't know how I could do such a thing to you, but I'm taking you to the station."

I fumbled through my over night bag and found the box of formula and Charlie's bottle. I went into the bathroom and let the water run warm. As the water rushed down the drain, I felt myself melt into sadness. It wasn't over losing Jeff; it was just the intensity of the morning's events. I filled the bottle and put the top on. I shook it up and tested the temperature on my wrist. Charlie was rhythmically saying "ma. Ba ma. Ba" and reaching towards the bottle. As soon as I put the nipple into his mouth, he began greedily sucking the milk. His eyes followed mine and with the nipple between his lips, he stopped drinking and smiled at me. When he did, he looked like an old man speaking with a cigar in his mouth. He started laughing still holding the rubber nipple between his teeth. I couldn't help but laugh. When I looked up Jeff was standing in the doorway. His tie was loose around his partially buttoned shirt. He had both arms up, hands resting on the doorframe. Had we not been fighting, I would have walked over and buttoned his shirt for him. Then I would have tied his necktie. How many times had I done that before with him looking down on me with an expression of love?

"I'm sorry." He said.

I nodded. "He's funny, isn't he?"

"I'm sorry I pushed you, Eve."
I didn't say anything else or look at him. I made my way past him, Charlie in my arms and as I walked by Jeff, the baby reached for him again. Jeff motioned to take him, but I maneuvered away from him.

"I have to change his diaper." I said and left Jeff standing there looking useless.

We arrived at the train station just fifteen minutes before boarding. We would have gotten there much earlier but Jeff insisted we drive through the quaint little neighborhoods of Bend. He tried to reignite the dream. The day was still bright and the town was pretty. The sidewalks were shaded by large over hanging trees. I could see that some of the houses had modest gardens. It made me sick to think I would have settled for one of those little prisons. I looked at Jeff and shook my head then I turned back to the scene out my window.

We passed a park and he insisted on stopping. I sat in the shade, under a tree and Jeff spent time with Charlie. Although we were at the park quite a while, the two of them didn't cover much distance because Jeff stopped so often to let Charlie reach for something or drop pebbles into puddles. We were in the park over an hour and they hadn't covered more that ten yards. Charlie laughed and played. He looked up at Jeff every few seconds and waited in that way he does for acknowledgment before he sets off on the next activity in his busy baby agenda.

I wasn't moved despite the times Jeff looked back at me for the same sort of acknowledgement. Where before, his paternal behaviors had warmed my heart, there was nothing. My heart was cold. I sat under a tree and watched Jeff hold Charlie above him, as men do, playing airplane. In my mind, this world with Jeff, the time together was finite. There was precisely an hour and a half until the chapter was over; I'd close the book. I no longer feared him and I think he sensed it. I didn't take the scenario further in my mind. I didn't imagine what he would do if I executed my plan and rejected his. I didn't care if he accused me of being spirited or rebellious or even crazy for wanting something other than his revolting offer. I was also sure he was confident in his ability to intimidate me. But after the events that morning, wanting him again and then seeing it turn out the same as always, there was nothing but an empty, arid space between us. Things would be fine in Bend. All I had to do was talk to Frank, tell him the truth. I needed to muster the courage, which had been so difficult for me. Then, Jeff could perish for all I cared.

Charlie removed Jeff's hat and was holding it, crumpling the brim in his little fingers. I could see that Jeff was so taken with Charlie that there was nothing the boy could do wrong. The trees shaded the path they were on. They walked further towards the pond. A moment later, I heard Charlie crying. I stood and looked around for them. I didn't see the two of them anywhere and immediately my eyes frantically searched. A surge of protective fear ran through me. But, not another minute later Jeff appeared from the other side of the path, walking quickly towards me, Charlie's face was red; he was screaming.

"I think he wants you."

I could see that Charlie was hungry and tired. That was all. I should have recognized the cries but I my nerves were so on edge that I hadn't realized it. I took Charlie in my arms without acknowledging Jeff. I soothed him.

"Should we walk back to the car?" Jeff asked. His tone was gentle and loving.

"I can feed him on the way. I'd like to get to the train station. To have a little time to rest before we leave."

I was gently rocking Charlie in my arms but he was squirming and screaming. His face was growing red out of frustration. Jeff put his arm on my waist and led Charlie and me to the car. I was keenly aware that, like the day before, things must have looked very normal to the outside world. From that perspective, we looked like a young family. Jeff's manners were respectful, husbandly. How could anyone know the complete lie, the torrent of dishonor and rage that always seemed to surface between us? The rotten sediment floating around in anything we shared? That was sin. I remembered Sunday school as a child. Sin haunts you, and it destroys your life. No matter how elaborate the lies you tell yourself; sin is very simple. It's a curse.

Jeff opened the car door and helped me inside.

"Is the bottle in your overnight bag?"

"Yes." It was terrible to have to make conversation. There was no way around it; we had to talk about the baby and about the arrangements at the station. But that's where it would end. Despite what Jeff believed or thought he could enforce, there would be no more of his plans.

He opened the trunk and returned with a bottle. I took it from him while he stood awkwardly. I shook the bottle and removed the top and fed Charlie. He began drinking and I kept my eyes on his little face. His brow was sweaty. I stroked his hair into a part to one side. Jeff closed the door so it hardly made a thud when it was shut. A moment later he was in the drivers side.

"Eve," he asked gently. His attempts at tenderness were getting under my skin. "Can I get you something to eat? Your train doesn't leave for a little while? You didn't eat any breakfast. I don't want you to be hungry all the way back."

"No. That's nice of you, but I'd just like to get to the station to have some time to ourselves."

"Why are you so angry with me? Is three months such a long time?"

"No. I'm not upset at all." It was a new tactic. Nothing I had tried with him before. Complete detachment and sarcasm. "Now that I hear you say it, three months is practically no time at all. I'm sure you're right about that. Don't they say that time flies when you're having fun? I'm sure it will zoom by for you and your wife."

"Oh God, would you stop being so damned glib? Please? If you think I enjoy even a moment with Margaret you're crazy."

I didn't say anything for a long moment. I just looked out through the windshield, but then I turned to him. "I could care less about your relationship with Margaret." Charlie furrowed his brow more with curiosity than fear; he kept drinking. His eyes were alert. I tilted the bottle up higher so he could get more.

I let out a sarcastic laugh then stared at him hard for a long moment. "Honestly? Do you think I care about the tedious details of your boring marriage?" I could see he was growing angry with me. "You're ridiculous." I blurted and then rolled my eyes. I knew exactly what my comment would do to him; it would infuriate him. I also knew he was bound and tied; our little baby was our witness. We were out in public.

"Watch it, Eve. Watch how you speak to me."

"I don't belong to you. I don't have to obey you."

"Eve. I don't allow anyone to speak to me like this."

"Or what? What will you do if I don't do as you say?"

I shook my head and looked back out the window. I squinted my eyes so the colors would blur, so I could see life as a palate of muted hues and shapes and not distinct contours and lines. I wanted this part of my life to dissolve. I knew pressing Jeff would incite rage in him, but hiding from his anger had never set me free. That was the first time I wasn't weak with him.

"Eve. I'm not putting up with this behavior. Do you understand me?"

I felt strongly that he and I both knew it was an empty threat. Or at least I thought that was the truth. I'd called his bluff and the control I had over my own life would take root. It would grow stronger than the shallow foundation of our relationship.

"Drive me to the station, this moment." I ordered. "Do you understand me?" He turned and slammed the car into gear and pulled away from the curb, speeding off. I was nervous for Charlie who was lying on my lap, his glass bottle near empty. I kept the bottle steady and made sure it wouldn't be ripped from Charlie's mouth as Jeff angrily navigated the streets. I kept my arm around the baby so he wouldn't be thrown against the dash. Luckily, the park was near to the station so we I only had to endure Jeff's reckless driving for a few blocks. I'd never seen Jeff so angry. He pulled into a parking space in front of the train station.

I took the bottle from Charlie's mouth and wiped his tiny lips. I sat him up on my lap as I returned the bottle to my purse and began to gather my things. I reached inside my purse for my gloves. "You can leave us here. I can manage," I said not looking up.

When I leaned down to pick up my purse, Jeff took a strong hold of my wrist and pulled me back up, preventing me from gathering my things. I struggled and pulled away from him but his grip tightened.

"What are you doing?" I was so startled by the change in him.

He held me forcefully and twisted my arm so I was leaning to one side. He said, "we will leave when I say. Don't you dare get out of this car."

I tried to pull my arm away but then his grip tightened even further. I lowered my voice and tried to reason with him. "Please let go of me, Jeff. You're hurting me and I can't hold the baby." The more I struggled to get out of his grasp, the more my wrist hurt. There was nothing I could do with my other arm because I was holding Charlie. I had to control how much I struggled so I could keep hold of the baby. I felt the fearful girl rising up in me again. I didn't want to give him back his power, but he was hurting me.

"Do you understand me?" He pressed.

"Please. All right. I won't get out. I'm sorry."

"Tell me you understand me, Eve."

"Understand what? I understand. I said I won't get out of the car. You're hurting me. Don't you even care?"

He pulled my wrist hard, "No. Tell me that you understand that I expect you to start behaving more like a woman. Say the words. I'm not letting you go until you do."

Something about his phrase, "say the words," renewed my strength. I was not his servant. He was acting more like an angry boy that a powerful man.

I calmly spoke as he continued to squeeze my wrist. "Jeff there is a man standing right there, I'll call out to him and tell him you're hurting me. He'll call a police officer. He will see, my wrist is already turning red."

"He would just think you're hysterical."

"Well, I'm not hysterical, Jeff."

He didn't answer but also didn't release me. I tried to pull my arm away. I couldn't help it; I started crying, "Please, Jeff, let me go. You're hurting me. You pushed me down this morning and now you're hurting me again."

"Say it."

"What?"

"That you will start behaving as you should."

"No." I whispered, "You're acting crazy." Charlie pulled himself up to my shoulder and had his arms around my neck. He held himself with one arm and was putting his fingers in my mouth. He was giggling as if it were a game.

"Please, the baby is right here."

"This is far from over." He released my arm and he collapsed into seat. He let a breath out and shook his head. He ran his hands through his short hair. "I don't know what's happening to me." He looked at me. "I don't know why I just did those things. Eve, you're making me act crazy."

I pulled my arm back up and with the other around still around Charlie's waist, I rubbed the bright red ring around my wrist. Jeff retrieved my bag from the trunk and came around and opened my car door. I looked down towards the ground as he took Charlie from me in one hand and carried my bag into the station with the other. We walked on to the platform and the train to Bend was boarding. He held Charlie to him and kissed his cheeks. "I love you little boy." For some reason, Charlie didn't want Jeff as he had before; he kept arching his back and reaching towards me. Finally, Jeff relinquished him.

"Eve, let me say goodbye to you." His voice was absorbed by the sounds of the busy railroad station. A gust of wind passed us as another train left. "I don't know what's happening to me. You're right I'm acting crazy. I've never hurt a woman before. I didn't think I was capable of it. Especially not you."

I looked at him and shook my head. My wrist still stung from his grip.

He continued. "I'm sorry I hurt you," He tightened his jaw. "We'll work things out, ok?"

"I have to get on with my life. I don't want this. Any of it. Not some small house in Eugene. Not you--That's it. I don't want you anymore." In a gesture of defiance I raised my eyebrows and stared at him longer than would have been expected.

He let out a breath and seemed to examine my intent. I knew he wanted me to do as he said. I was certain it was because he thought he loved me. Perhaps he really was stuck between two lives. The one he had with his wife and this other with me. Or maybe he wanted both, a calm predictable life with his boring wife and this indulgence with me. I realized as his eyes pleaded with me that morning on the train platform, he didn't have the rights to me that he claimed he did. Even if I had been his wife, he still wouldn't have. What he was asking for was not reasonable.

"The plan hasn't changed. I won't hurt you again, but when I get back you'll move here just as I told you." He didn't seem as strong to me.

I didn't care about his words. I shook my head and scoffed, "Good bye." I turned to walk up the stairs into the train.

He gently held me back and pulled my arm so I was facing him. "When I return I will make time and we will find a home here. You have no right to be upset with me."

"I'm not living here in Eugene. I'm not your whore." I moved my shoulder and he released his hand.

He spoke softly. "No Eve. No, you're not a whore. I never thought you were." He tipped his hat and walked out of the station.

I stopped fearing Jeff.

Just as soon as I stepped off the train from Eugene. Mary put her arms around me and took Charlie from me.

"Oh thank you, my arm is so sore. He's heavy!" I felt so good. I felt free and released from ambivalence over the choices ahead of me.

"How are you my little baby boy?" Mary cooed in the sing-song voice she used with Charlie. "How are you sweetheart?" she kissed my cheek and smoothed back my hair.

Frank was standing beside Mary and took my bag from me. "How was Carmen? Was it nice to see her?"

"Of course." I lied.

Frank went on. "I'm glad you're back. I talked with Mr. Sanford about the farmhouse. He's ready to sell it to you. Any time. I think we should go ahead with it. Get you settled."

Mary changed the subject, trying to buy some time until we could tell Frank I was leaving to live in Eugene. Clearly she hadn't thought out the excuse yet. I'm sure she knew it had to be delivered carefully. "Frank really, the girl hasn't left the train station yet. Let's get her home and fed. I've made a meat pie for you and the baby. You can talk about the house tomorrow."

I turned to Frank, "I'd like to have you purchase the house. Let's talk with Mr. Sanford tomorrow."

Mary's eyes flashed a look of shock at me. She squinted and tilted her head a bit. She must have assumed I'd convinced Jeff that Eugene wasn't a good idea. That I should stay in Bend. She gave me a sweet smile.

"Well, darling that's wonderful news." She took my hand and gave it a little squeeze then she lifted it, touched her her cheek then kiss it. When she did her eyes fixed on my reddened wrist.

"What happened here sweetheart?"

"Oh, I don't even know. I think my purse strap got tangled." It felt like a bold lie. How could I possibly have done that to myself? She flashed me a look of worry and tightened her face. It seemed she understood that something serious had happened between Jeff and me.

I shook my head as if to say, its nothing. I smiled at her because in my mind I had just been released from prison. I felt so happy. She looked relieved and delighted. "Eve, I think your visit with Carmen was very good for you. I don't know if I've ever seen you so happy."