I woke early on Thursday feeling broken. I nursed Charlie went downstairs. I wanted to go over to the old house as soon as possible and finish up before we had to catch the train back to Bend. The thought of being separated from Charlie while I sorted through my things in the attic at the old house caused me great anxiety. It was a silly thought but I kept imagining Jeff arriving at Carmen's with police officers, boys I'd grown up with, now men. I envisioned them taking Charlie. Not because they wanted to but because they had no other choice. There would be nothing Carmen could do. I knew it wasn't really a possibility but I felt I had lost so much the night before out in the dark. I had given Jeff back what he had—or at least some of what he had. A mass of feelings had formed inside of me, mostly fear. Where there had been none, confusion existed. A part of me asked why he hadn't found another woman to take my place? I tried to consider the real possibility that he wanted to be with Charlie, but each time I imagined a future that included Jeff, an image of him walking down the street with his little daughter on his shoulders invaded. I hadn't thought much of it when Carmen had related it to me. Something about his walking by with his daughter, sometimes his wife. Carmen had sensed something that I now sensed too. Maybe he hadn't loved me. Perhaps, for some reason he had wanted to overtake me. If it hadn't been for Charlie perhaps he would have looked for another way to control me. Once our love affair was over, without the pregnancy, what would have had over me?

"The kids are still sleeping," Carmen whispered. She was wearing a long, satin bathrobe. He hair was ruffled from sleep but still retained its pretty waves. She poured me a coffee. Charlie was fussing and twirling his fingers in my hair. He would let out loud squeals and then look at me.

"He's going to be very funny. He already has a sense of humor."

'I think he gets it from you and Harry."

She raised her eyebrow and pulled a cigarette from her pack. She lit it and inhaled deeply. Charlie let out a little wet cough.

"Is he getting sick?" Carmen asked, her eyes growing concerned. She walked over and put a hand on his forehead. "He's got a little wheeze. I hope you'll be all right on the train back today."

"He does. I think he's got croup again. He was up last night. I had to take him and walk him out in the cold—in the night air—until his breathing improved."

"You mustn't have slept at all."

She looked up over to the clock. "It's early darling, are you going right over?"

I nodded looking down at the Formica tabletop. My eyes traced the burgundy stripe that ran down the center. I wanted to tell her about seeing Jeff, but I thought it would make things worse. My life was again on a precipice. Anything to disrupt it would make everything I was building topple. I would have nothing. I was so frightened on the inside, the anxiety was like waiting for bad news, but I had already received bad news. It was like a dream, the images of the three of us, in the dark outside the community house. I shouldn't have let him intimidate me. I could have stood up for myself. I felt so ridiculously weak. I hated myself.

As I sat with Carmen my mind lingered on this new development with Jeff. I didn't pick up my coffee, it sat in front of me. I had forgotten where I was. My emotions were so strong that I was almost paralyzed. As small and weak as I felt, maybe I had stood up to him. Maybe that was why he pushed back so hard. Jeff had always grown cold when I disagreed with him or argued with him. Isn't that exactly what happened last night? My feelings vacillated again. I knew he would follow through his threat. Would he really do what he said? I tried to piece his words together. What could he do to me? Then, it descended on me. The whole picture of his power. Just as he threatened, he could drive up to Bend—he already had before—he'd pull into the driveway and he'd walk past Charlie and me and ask Mary to get Frank. Mary would try to stop him, but he would be insistent. She'd run inside and look for Frank and try her best to prepare him and discredit Jeff. I knew in this fearful scenario that Jeff would not even look at me while I stood off to the side in the foyer, holding Charlie. I would ask him not to tell, but he would be determined. Things would be in motion and picking up velocity. Then, later Mary and I would wait in the kitchen while the men spoke, Mary straining to listen. I knew she would find a way to sneak out and get close enough to hear their conversation. I knew that Jeff would soften Frank, convince him. He'd find something to inflame Frank's worry for Charlie. I knew Mary would come back into the warm kitchen. Her face gone white, trying to find words for me. We'd both wait for Frank to come in and ask for Charlie, tell us that his father wants to see him.

"Evie, darling" Carmen interrupted my thoughts, "you look as if you've seen a ghost. What is it?"

"I just want to be on the train back to Bend."

"I wish I could go over to the house with you sweetheart and help you go through all those memories. I just don't think it would be a good idea to have the baby out where others might see. The last thing I'd want is for Jeff Lambert to get wind of your visit."

I looked at her, then towards the window. I had no feeling what so ever. It must have been clear to Carmen. "Evie. What's gotten you so upset? Maybe you didn't get enough sleep. Why Don't I take Charlie for a little while and you go back to bed. It's so early and you don't need to be to the train until 1:00."

"No," I whispered. I hardly had any voice at all. The fear was so great that it was hard to swallow.

"Why don't you go over and get it done and then you can rest before your trip back to Bend?"

Charlie squealed. I put him on my lap and bounced him gently. He was laughing and making cooing baby sounds. He put his hands on the saltshaker and lifted it to his mouth. I didn't even notice him doing. It.

Carmen put her cigarette in the ashtray and rose. "Now. Now. Little man. You can't eat Auntie's salt shaker." She lifted him into her arms and he immediately began reaching for her nose. She scrunched up her face and shook it gently close to his. He erupted in peals of laughter, his fingers covered in drool.

"You know Evie, I think he's teething." Carmen rubbed her finger on his bottom gum. "Yes, there it is, right under the skin. Maybe that's why he's been so fussy." Carmen moved to the drawer by the sink and retrieved a washrag. She ran it under cool water, squeezed it out with one hand and pressed it on Charlie's lower gum. "See there baby?" Charlie greedily chewed on the cloth and when Carmen looked out the window to my house next door, he pulled the rag out and dropped it on the floor. Carmen turned back, "oh he is a handful!" She picked the cloth up and put it in the sink. She retrieved another and prepared it. Charlie blew raspberries with his tongue and Carmen copied him. Then she put the corner of the cool rag in his mouth. She turned back to me with Charlie on her hip.

"He is one smart baby, Evie."

My heart did swell with pride when Carmen said that, but it was so heavy with dread that all I could do was stand and walk over to them. I gave Carmen a kiss on the cheek, and leaned in and kissed Charlie's forehead. His fresh baby smell lingered in my thoughts. It was so overwhelming, the love that just being near him evoked.

"I'll go over and get this done with."

"Let Harry walk you over. He's not leaving for work for a bit. That way he can tell the renters who you are." She bounced Charlie, holding him in one arm as she picked up her cigarette from the ashtray and took a drag. She blew the smoke away from Charlie's face. "Here put this out for me." She handed me the cigarette and I extinguished it in the ashtray.

She was right. It would seem strange to have an unfamiliar woman come inside the house and up to the attic. "Is he up?"

"Let me go see." She handed Charlie back to me, and he was still up to his impish tricks, reaching for my nose and then with an open mouth covering my nose.

"Oh Charlie!" I looked at his smiling little face as he gurgled and made sounds, and when he let out a squeal I could see the baby tooth just breaking through his bottom gum. He grew quiet and let out a little cough. His eyes met mine and we looked at each other for a moment. There were these times when it felt as if he was older and wiser. I smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek. He cuddled up next to me, nuzzling up to my chest and blowing raspberries and chewing on his index finger. The image of Jeff holding him flashed into my thoughts. How Charlie took to him the same way as he did me. My little boy must have trusted his father.

"All right, Miss Evie." Harry said as he walked into the room.

"Don't you want a coffee first?" Carmen said as followed him into the kitchen.

"It won't be a minute. Save it for me." He kissed her on the lips.

"It's not going anywhere Harry," she teased.

"Ok, here you go again." I handed Charlie back to her, "I think he's quieting down again."

Carmen lifted him up in the air above her, "are you tired little man?" She looked up at me and smiled, "I don't know if he's tired but he needs a diaper change."

Harry and I walked out of their yard and into my driveway, "you all right Eve?" He said softly? I looked up at him and nodded.

"Harry?" I asked. "What did you say to Jeff back before Charlie was born?"

Harry stopped and we stood under the gum tree. The bare branches looked brittle and like a mass of gray spider webs crisscrossing under the early light. A gust of wind blew and the air felt icy as it hit my cheeks.

"I told him..." Harry stopped and looked down at the ground as if he were searching to remember the words. "That man is an arrogant ass, Eve. I know he's the boy's father. But, he's worthless."

I nodded. "I know. I just wondered what you said to him."

"Frankly, Eve. I can't remember the exact words. I can tell you, I went over to the art museum and asked to speak to him there. I figured that way he'd know I meant business. No man wants his problems tangled up in his work."

"How did he respond?"

Harry looked at me for a long moment. "I can tell you this, he didn't want trouble."

I looked towards the rose buses on the side of the house. They looked like they hadn't been pruned since the day I left. I could see all the shoots and rosehips taking over. I remembered canning rosehip jelly, how tart I'd make it because Nick didn't like it too sweet. I'd tease him, "How can you eat this?" There he was. In my thoughts. Nick. How had I forgotten my memories of Nick for so long? When I thought of sorting through the things in the attic, finding Nick's old letters and journals, my unspoken intention was to preserve keepsakes for Charlie. Things about his father for him to look back on. I had somewhere deep inside convinced myself that Nick really was Charlie's father. But, I never had let the real Nick back into my consciousness. Just the fictional Nick, the one Jeff read about in the Bend newspaper. The widow who announced the hero soldier's baby. I took a deep breath and let it out.

"It's cold out here," Harry said. "Let's go in."

"Wait." I said. "Did you tell me all of it?"

"Did I tell you what Evie?"

"What you said to Jeff? What you two spoke about. What did he say to you?"

"Eve I think its better left alone. He got my message. At least for a while. Why? Has he bothered you again?"

I must have furrowed my brow and assumed a worried look.

Harry raised is eyebrows and his face grew a little angry as if this might just be the excuse he was looking for to put Jeff in his place.

"No." I said.

"Eve, I've seen him a couple of different times around the neighborhood. I would just stay away from him if I were you. If he writes to you, just leave it alone. I think you made the right choice. Stay in Bend and don't come back here until Charlie's older. We'll visit you. You'll always have us. You'll meet someone else and all this business will be long gone."

I smiled and we started walking towards the front door.

"Could we go in the back way? I'd like to see the garden."

"Eve, we haven't kept it up. Carmen tried but she couldn't do what you did."

"It's all right." I led the way through the wooden gate. I prepared myself for the worst. That time of year, everything's dormant. I expected that. But, as I entered, I could see the gardens were dead. Frozen weeds clung to the earth, partly covering the paths. The shrubs in the back had stalks growing in every which direction. I could see fallen leaves had collected all over the ground. The overgrown grass was wet and rotting.

"I'm all right Harry," I said. "I'd like to be alone."

"Shouldn't I introduce you to the boarders?"

"No. I'm all right."

"Ok honey. I'll be back at the house then Carmen and I will drive you to the train station." He walked over and gave me a big hug. "Evie you are such a wonderful mother. But, sweetheart, I'm worried for you. I don't know why I just get this feeling this mess with Jeff Lambert isn't over."

I nodded and smiled. "I love you all so much."

"We love you too." He pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket and walked out the back gate.

That morning was my last time back in my Sellwood garden. I realized that the things in the attic didn't matter. Carmen would be able to sort it all out, figure out what was important. She'd told me so many times that she wouldn't mind going through my things for me. The garden was my home. It had weathered over last few months just as I had. It showed the damage of hardship. I bit my lip and ventured deeper. The stone bench was covered in matted, wet leaves and there was still evidence that the nasturtium must have gone wild last summer. There were dried, rotting nasturtium vines covering the area under the arbor. It looked like a mass of white threads curled up around each other. I had planted the seeds in the spring. For some reason, the abundant flowers always loved my yard and formed swaths of yellow, orange and green. Waves of color. I removed my gloves and wiped the bench. It was still damp but I sat down anyway. The grape arbor was a tangled mess above me. After such neglect, there would have been no way to separate the branches and train them to stay on the arbor without severely cutting it back. It would take at least a year after that to produce as many grapes again. I let out a breath and watched the condensation escape. I put my head down. Maybe when I left my garden, all those memories would evaporate. Maybe then that old life would be released. I would be free. I wiped tears from my eyes. That was such a childish thought, but I wished it were true. I reached and touched a vine that hung down from the arbor and curled its way along the side of the bench. A few yellow, brown leaves clung to it. The stem of one leaf was nearly rotted. I could see how fragile the attachment was. I would just need to disturb the vine slightly and the dead leaves would separate, fall to the ground and decompose.

I looked around. It was so cold, but I wasn't ready to leave. I remembered all the hours Jeff and I had spent in the garden together. On those days Jeff would be more relaxed than usual. He didn't wear a tie and the collar of his shirt was unbuttoned. His shirt would be un-tucked and hung loose around his waist. I had thought he looked so handsome that way; that was when he seemed most like an artist to me. We'd set up a blanket in the shade and he'd study a plant or a flower, sketching uninterrupted. I would tend to another part of the garden or read a book. Sometimes I would lie on the blanket beside him and just daydream. When he finished drawing, sometimes hours would have passed. He'd come sit beside me and open his book. Then he'd show me what he'd drawn in lead or colored pencils. Mostly they were studies for larger works that he would later create in his studio. I remembered a page with many renderings of the same hydrangea sketched from so many different angles, lined up across a page, each a small study of the flower's overall architecture. He'd scratch little squares of color on the bottom of some pages. Each one capturing a different effect of light on the same hue, all within one flower. Some of his drawings were detailed renderings of an unexpected perspective on a place in the garden. One of my favorites was a depiction of the space under the arbor. Even though I wasn't an artist I could see the piece was a study in shading and light. The grape leaves seemed translucent in places, with light on some grapes coming from one direction compared to those where the sun was obscured by the foliage above.

I couldn't imagine anyone else ever sharing something so personal with me. He wouldn't tease me or flirt while he talked about his art. He was so focused and would sometimes look at me for a moment while he paused. I'd felt he was reading my emotions, the effect his art had on me. I'd watch his fingers, stained with pencil lead, as he turned the pages of his sketch book and told me what the garden made him feel, why certain images had inspired him. He offered a rationale for why he was so focused on botanicals for the series he was putting together. Sometimes he'd ask me questions about the plantings and the garden design. Then, after we'd talked, often he would lay back and close his eyes, I'd move beside him and he'd take my hand in his and that would be the rest of our afternoon.

It was getting too cold to stay sitting there in the garden, but I really didn't want to let it go. It wasn't just Jeff although my thoughts kept returning to him. My heart had been in that garden even before him. It reminded me of the people I'd loved most. The only people who'd really known and loved me: my mother, Nick, Carmen. The garden had been a part of my life with them, all of those years. Sitting there I could see and feel that my garden had died too. It was the most terrible feeling. That magical place had become part of the tomb that was the rest of the house, the life I had lived there. As rain began to fall, I stood and started walking back to Carmen's. All I wanted was my son and to return to Bend, back to my new life.

When we got to the station, we saw that the train to Bend had already left. Somehow there was a mistake when I had looked at the train schedule that morning. I had read 1:00. The man behind the ticket counter looked at me, at first with blank look. "Sorry miss. There's nothing I can do about it." He was indifferent. That must have happened all the time. He was younger than Harry, thin and he wore a mustache. He was in his uniform and it looked wrinkled, as if he'd been working all day, hadn't ironed it before putting it on. He looked back down, counting his money and doing something with the tickets. I stared at the metal bars and at the clock behind him. It was just 12:45. I would have ben on time.

Then, Carmen handed Charlie to me and moved past me. She tried talking with the man on my behalf. When he saw me holding the baby, his eyes turned sympathetic. He looked at my hand. I was still wearing Nick's ring. It was part of my web of lies.

"She needs to get back tonight, isn't there another train?"

"Not to Bend. Not until tomorrow."

"Well is there anything she can do?"

"She may be able to go through Eugene." He looked down for a moment.

Carmen turned to me flashed me a look of disbelief. Her beautifully shaped, arched eye brows were raised as high as they could. She moved closer to me, "Why don't you just leave in the morning?" We moved to the side and let a couple of other passengers get through. Suddenly the train station filled with people and the loud murmur of the crowd became deafening and echoed up into the high ceilings of the station. A whistle blew.

"Darling stay with us," she insisted raising her voice over the commotion.

"I want to go home. I don't want to risk it, be in Sellwood another day. We were lucky Kitty or Joan didn't show up unexpectedly."

"You're lucky you didn't encounter Jeff Lambert."

"How could I have?" I lied. "I was confined to the house. There's no possible way--" I was over compensating for my lie.

"All right. All right," she said.

The ticket man interrupted, "Ladies?" He pursed his lips, more on one side, squinted his eyes and looked back down at the schedule as he spoke. The line to the ticket booth was free again. "The one for Eugene leaves at 1:15. If you hurry you can catch it. You'll get to Eugene at 4:45 Then," he referred to his schedule again before looking up at me, "there's a train from Eugene to Bend at 6:30. You'll get in at 10:00."

"All right," I said before Carmen could add her opinion. I walked over and handed the man the money.

None the less, Carmen objected. "It's a long trip. Adds about 2 hours. It's up to you. You won't be home until 10:00. But, what about Charlie's cough?"

"Thank you, sir. I'll take the ticket." I exchanged the money for the tickets.

"Is there a sleeping car?" Carmen asked. I hadn't thought of it, but I'd need to nurse Charlie. That way we could sleep too if we needed.

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? Ladies you're going to have to make up your minds."

At that Harry walked up to the counter. "Excuse me, is there a problem here?"

"Sir, I can help you when I've finished with these ladies. Seems they are having a problem making decisions."

"I'd prefer it if you used a more respectful tone with my wife and sister." Sister. I felt a wave of love for Harry and Carmen all over again. I looked at him, his large build and his intimidating stance towards the man. I realized, I could ask him to talk to Jeff again if I needed to.

"I'm sorry sir. Here you go, Miss."

"All right I'll need to hurry."

Carmen reached for Charlie and took him out of my arms. "You be a good little boy for your mama. I know you're a rascal, you sweet baby." Charlie reached for her Victory "Roll. Oh, no. Not again, funny boy." She handed him back to me and carefully embraced me so as not to squeeze Charlie too hard. She kissed me on the cheek and had tears in her eyes. I'm going to miss you Evie.

Then it was Harry's turn. His hug was briefer, but his eyes met mine. He said softly, "I'm sorry Evie. I'm sorry for all your troubles."

I took a deep breath, "It really isn't so bad. I love you both. I'll write as soon as I get home."

I think Carmen and Harry knew that I couldn't extend the goodbyes any longer. I needed to get back and let my emotions settle. Neither of them knew the new burden I carried. I just held it in my heart until I could get home to Mary and tell her what had happened.

The day was gray and raining. The scene, as we pulled out of the Portland station, was a blurry black and white photograph. The rain on the glass formed rivulets that ran sideways as we pressed on. There were moments during the ride when I felt as if we were in a train and racing against time. Whenever I started to doze off, I imagined Jeff's fancy car passing the us, gaining distance, arriving at Bend before we got home. I imagined Frank at the platform, arms extended reaching for Charlie. Taking my baby and giving him to Jeff. I would wake with a start, sweaty and breathless. Each time, Charlie remained asleep in my arms, a little wheeze at the end of each of his exhalations. We mostly stayed in the passenger portion, sitting amongst other people as they slept or read. Couples chatted quietly. I barely made out any of their comments. The din was a comfort to me. I didn't feel so alone and I could look out the window and let my thoughts wander. We had purchased a ticket for a sleeping car, but I only used it when I had to nurse Charlie. When he woke or became fussy, I would leave my wool coat in our seat in the passenger car and take him to the sleeping car and nurse him.

When Charlie was bored during the ride, I'd walk, carrying him up and down the aisles, bouncing him with each step. He wasn't quite ready for peek-a-boo, but I tried. When I hid my face in my hands and popped back he'd stare at me quizzically. It made me laugh and sometimes he'd smile and I'd think he was catching on. When he smiled I could see the little tooth had broken through. It was no wonder his mood had improved. He seemed much more comfortable. Sometimes when he was fussy, I'd rock him in my arms and sing Mary's lullaby to him. I'd sing softly and his eyelids would grow heavy. If I stopped he'd squirm and look up at me. I would raise my eyebrows and pretend to start singing again and wait. I'd open my eyes really wide. A smile would curl around his index finger, which was constantly in his mouth. His blue eyes would grow brighter and then I'd start the song again. He'd close his eyes and nestle against me but he'd look up at me once in a while to see if I was playing one of our games. I rubbed his head. His hair was beginning to reveal its color. It was the same as Jeff's, a chestnut brown. Charlie's was still light and thin.

At one point, Charlie's eyes closed and his breathing became rhythmic, his little hand fell from his mouth and rested on my arm. I gently lay him down on the seat beside me and covered him with a blanket. I studied his face. Having just seen Jeff, the likeness seemed even stronger. "His little son."

Since Charlie, I was always trying to incorporate my new perspective on the world. Once Charlie fell asleep, this reasoning seeped into Jeff's offer. I'd been looking at it as if it were all about me. Wasn't Charlie, really, all there was? What difference would it make if I did what Jeff wanted? Why was I fighting it so hard? I realized that Jeff would keep his word and pretend we were married. I believed that he'd see to it that my reputation was preserved. Besides Charlie, what else would there be for the next many years? Wouldn't it all be Charlie anyway? And, maybe there would be another child. And another. I felt a wave of guilt. I realized I was saying no to Jeff because I was being selfish. The things I wanted in Bend were mostly for me not my child. All the dreams and plans Mary and I conjured. It was a plan for my life. It included Charlie but it wasn't for Charlie. As much as Frank and Mary loved us, they would adjust if we moved to Eugene, they'd still be in Charlie's life. They'd continue to love me, or at least Mary would. I couldn't predict Frank's reaction if he found out the truth about Charlie. If it appeared as though I were married to Jeff, then Charlie would be legitimate and that was the most important thing. Jeff wouldn't keep Mary and Frank them from Charlie. Besides, Jeff was the child's father. Who was I to take that away?

As I mulled over this new argument, I pushed my doubt to the back of my mind. Why should any woman be thinking about the things I wanted and not about family? As we drew closer to Eugene's train station, I was convincing myself that maybe it was a possibility. And what of Jeff's power over me? He was wonderful as long as I didn't go against him. That's not so different from other men. I told myself this, but, I also knew that wasn't entirely true. Harry would never speak to Carmen the way Jeff had spoken to me. Carmen disagreed with Harry all the time. And, Frank, even with his worrying and fatherly ways, he always proved to be kind to Mary and us. I brought my hands to my lips as if in prayer, I breathed warm, slow breaths and then whispered to myself, "Let it be. The truth doesn't matter anymore."

The train attendant gently tapped me on the shoulder. I had fallen asleep. "Miss we'll arrive in Eugene in half an hour." Charlie was still asleep in my arms. My arm had gone numb and I gingerly switched him to the other. His face looked so peaceful.

"Thank you, I think I'll go to our sleeping car and change the baby. Prepare for the stop." He started to walk away, but I called him back. "Excuse me Sir, will I have to change trains again?"

"Where are you going after this?"

"Bend."

"Then, yes, ma'am. You can talk with the station manager. He'll tell you which one to get on next. Do you need help with your luggage?"

"Yes. That would be very helpful. Do you know if I could catch a taxi during the stop over?"

"Of course. There'll be one out front on 5th avenue. There is usually a few parked outside 5th and Willamette when the train from Portland pulls in."

I carried Charlie through the narrow isles. I pulled one door open that connected the two train cars. A loud pealing of the metal wheels on metal tracks below startled Charlie and he started crying. A gust of air hit us as I reached for the door to the sleeping car. Once inside, the little hallway was walled off by sleeping compartments. Charlie was still crying when an older man opened one of the doors and made his way out. It was a tight passage and as we maneuvered around each other, he smiled at me. Then he looked at Charlie.

"There. There. You'll be all right little man." He patted Charlie's head.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"He's a beautiful boy. You must be proud."

"I am."

"Have a good night, Ma'am."

I pulled open the small door to our compartment and entered the tight quarters. A single cot was attached to the metal wall and my suitcase was on the floor next to it. I could hear the thunderous rhythm of the wheels on the tracks, somewhat muted but creating a predictable vibration under my feet. Charlie opened his little eyes and yawned. He looked around and his eyes took on a frightened look, his body grew stiff for a moment and he started to cry.

"There, there baby." I held him in my arms and unbuttoned my shirt. I let him nurse and, as he did so greedily, my milk rushed in. I looked out the small window, visible through a partially open gray wool curtain. We were still following the Willamette river. All that way, I thought. At different points along the way it had been obscured by trees or a house here and there. The sun was beginning to go down and the orange hue and dramatic skies of Oregon dusk were just emerging. I felt as if we were moving faster than the clouds. Perhaps we were.

It was easy enough to secure a taxi once we arrived in Eugene. I had decided that while I was there and had a couple of hours I would have the taxi driver take me through downtown and some of the neighborhoods. The driver seemed a bit surprised when he saw a woman alone with a baby. He opened the door and helped Charlie and me into the car. Then he picked up my suitcase and put it in the trunk. It was already dark outside, and the streets where we were, near to the train station, looked empty. A short distance away I saw the city lights.

"Is that downtown?" I asked as he got into the front seat and closed the door.

"Yes. Would you like to go downtown?" He started the meter. The driver was a small man, or he looked small behind the wheel. Shorter than myself I thought. He had gentle eyes and was probably quite a bit younger than me, hardly a man at all. He turned to me. "Downtown?" he repeated.

"Well, maybe you can help me" I said. "I just arrived from Portland. I'm stopping through on my way to Bend, my next train isn't for a couple of hours. My husband's traveling on business so I'm going up to Bend to stay with my parents. We'll be moving to Eugene soon. He says it's a wonderful place, but I haven't ever visited. I thought since I had time it might be a good time to get acquainted with the area. Maybe tour a couple of neighborhoods."

Charlie was alert and watched my lips as I spoke to the man. Even though he was just a baby, I wondered if somehow he could tell I was lying, feel it somehow? Charlie lifted his finger and put it in my mouth as I talked. I gently pulled it back down and smiled at the man.

"Sure. That makes sense. Do you know which neighborhoods you'd like to see?"

"Eugene doesn't look very big."

"It isn't. But there are some places more suited to families, I'd say. Newer homes just built since the war. I personally think it's a nice place to live." He pulled the car out from the curb and started towards town. "But, coming from Portland I imagine it will feel very small to you."

"Yes," I uttered.

As I half tended to Charlie and half studied the surroundings, a horrible guilt descended on me. How easily lies fell out of my mouth. I was beginning to lose track of the truth and my fabrications. All of it was a lie. I felt a terrible headache coming on and I just wanted to be home. Charlie squirmed around in my arms and kept reaching for my lips.

"All right little boy settle down." I rocked him as I held him. He let out a squeal and when I looked down at him he was smiling his mischievous grin.

"Happy baby. Which one of you does he look like?" The cab driver turned a corner leading away from the downtown strip.

"The baby?"

The man nodded and looked at me in the rearview mirror.

"Like his father"

"They say that's the way with babies. They always resemble their father at first. Maybe that way there's no question about who's the father."

I looked at him, I was sure it was disdainfully which was how I would have reacted even if my circumstances were as I was pretending. Despite having heard that same claim over the years, I said, "I've never heard that."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said it like that. Sometimes I can be so stupid." He pretended to hit his forehead with his palm.

At first I didn't want to respond at all. His casual comment had upset me, but it wasn't his fault. "No. His father would be flattered, I'm sure." It wasn't a lie. We drove into what looked like downtown Eugene, "It's not all that small, is it?" I asked now craning my neck to peer at all the shops and restaurants.

"Not at first sight, but really it is. There's a lot of things happening around Broadway and Willamette but beyond that I'd say it's pretty sleepy." The driver and I went back and forth like this for about an hour. He seemed pleased to act as the ambassador of Eugene. As we drove through the quaint neighborhoods filled with new ranch houses, my heart sank. The fenced yards were so tiny and offered no privacy. I told myself that I wouldn't need to garden and that if I were to move with Eugene and stay with Jeff when he was home, then I would be busy with domestic responsibilities. I ignored the fact that I had always been able to maintain my homemaker obligations and spend hours out in the gardens. In addition, Charlie wouldn't be a baby forever; where would he play? These homes were nothing compared to the plot of land at Mary and Franks, as well as the one at the farmhouse I wanted to buy. Besides, Mary and Frank would take Charlie. Jeff wouldn't be around to help and besides why would he anyway? There I would be often alone in a ranch house, no life outside of my family. I'd likely have more children. I couldn't even be sure Jeff would stay with me once his infatuation wore off. Once I couldn't refuse or reject him anymore, it would likely extinguish his feelings for me. A part of me believed his obsessiveness over me was driven by the intense challenge of drawing me back to him. Surely, in no time I would be less desirable to him and then where would I be? People would still talk once he stopped coming around. It was exhausting, going back and forth with those feelings. Being convinced one minute that I would be happy with him and then not a moment later finding the idea revolting. But, wasn't that my relationship with Jeff, two extremes? Passion and anger?

When we got back on the train, I was exhausted. Charlie was still awake but getting fussier. I could hear the grumble starting up in his lungs again. There was no place to get him into cold air so I went into our little room changed his diaper and nursed him. Once he was comfortable I took to walking him up and down the aisles again. He stopped fussing but still his breathing had that familiar wheeze. It would be a few hours before Bend and I was worried about what to do should he have trouble getting air again. I took him back into the passenger car as there was more room in there to walk him and it seemed less stuffy. Again, we walked through the connector between the two train cars, the unbearable sound of the wheels against steel. I pushed open the door again and we were inside the next car. I was exhausted, hardly able to keep pacing. I hadn't eaten and I was hungry, but more than anything I was tired. Charlie's head finally felt limp on my shoulder. I could hear the air as it traveled through his wet lungs. We sat down in a seat and I layed him down next to me. I covered him with one of the little blankets Mary had made for him. One of his Christmas presents. I also took off my wool coat and covered him up with that too. It was chillier than I expected. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the roomy upholstered seat. The car wasn't very crowded, maybe twenty passengers. All going from Eugene to Bend. I turned towards the window; it was mostly dark and I could make out faint silhouettes of trees, but they just looked like black against black. Just a suggestion of what was outside.

I missed Jeff.

I closed my eyes and gave in to a daydream. A little excitement had risen in me after my tour of Eugene. It was smaller than Portland and larger than Bend. I liked Broadway street and I could picture myself pushing Charlie in a pram. I even imagined Jeff and I going to one of the theaters or sandwich shops. I remembered that there were times in Sellwood during our affair when we were perfectly compatible. I looked back down at Charlie and ran my fingers through his soft hair. I kept my hand resting on his little, warm body. The bond with him was so great that even getting lost in my thoughts for a moment caused me to instinctively touch him or watch over him again. I noticed a corner of one of Jeff's letters in the pocket of my coat. I reached over and pulled the two of them out. I re-read each one; Jeff's words were so romantic and loving. There was that side of him, it was true. I removed a pen and stationary from my purse. As Charlie slept, I composed a letter. I had full intention of agreeing to his proposal, but as I wrote my feelings changed again.

Dear Jeff,

Please accept my apology for our argument last night in Sellwood. It was so late and I was surprised to see you. I was so happy that Charlie took to you and for a moment, it opened my mind to the possibility of your offer. If I understood it correctly, you said that you'd like for Charlie and me to move to Eugene? I thought long and hard, honestly I did, but I've come to a decision. I can't do it. I feel strongly that it is unfair for you to ask me to choose between what I have now and something you want me to do. Isn't it selfish for you to even ask? After we spoke, I felt as if what you're really saying is that if I don't, you'll ruin things for me in Bend. Is that what you're threatening to do? It makes my heart ache to imagine Charlie mistreated because you've told people about me. To avoid that, I would do anything, but I hope that isn't the choice you're giving me. I hope you wouldn't come to Bend and tell people the truth. I know you don't want Charlie to suffer like that. I hope you wouldn't want me to either.

I cared so deeply for you at one time but my feelings have changed. I hope it doesn't make you angry to hear me say it that way. I don't love you anymore. I want you to know that during the train ride back I thought of you. We stopped in Eugene and I had some time before leaving for Bend. Jeff, I hired a taxi and took a tour of the town. I agree it's a lovely and if I'm honest, if things weren't a lie, if there was something more you could offer me... I guess I'm saying if you would marry me, I know I'd like to live there with you as my husband. I would let myself fall in love with you again. I could. It wouldn't be that difficult, because those feelings are still there, hidden but close to the surface. But, you won't promise me anything. You want me to live with shame and jealousy and sit and wait for you. Why would any woman agree to spend her life under such circumstances? You have not promised me anything except a way to preserve my reputation. I've already done that for myself. Anything you can offer me, I already have.

My answer is no. I'm not moving to Eugene. I have a new family and I am very well loved now. Please have compassion for me and understand how much damage it would cause if people in Bend knew the truth. If you told Frank...You know I don't have any family and Mary and Frank feel so much like one to me. Aren't you relieved that I've done so well for your son? Please write to me and tell me you understand. I'm not moving to Eugene. You have to accept that once and for all. Jeff you have to leave me alone now.

Eve