"Ek baat puchun?"

Naina nodded. She glanced at him for an instant and then reverted her eyes to the papers spread over the desk.

"Tumhe...mera matlab aapko paison ki itni zarurat kaise aa padi...sab theek hai?" Sameer asked finally. He'd been aching to do so for a long time, but never knew if it was suitable for him to pry into her private matters. But the way she'd wished him on her birthday, coupled with the wonderful surprise party thrown by his family and friends the past Saturday had somehow emboldened him to take the step.

Naina looked up at him again and Sameer instantly regretted his question.

"Mujhe laga tha hum personal matters nahi discuss karte?" She cocked her brows.

"Oh...oh yeah...sorry! Forget it!" Sameer mumbled.

Naina couldn't help but smile. "It's okay!"

"Vaise aapse kisne kaha ki mujhe paison ki zarurat hai?" she whispered.

"Wo meri PA ne tumhe tumhare...aapke husband ke saath baat karte suna tha...jab aap...tum write-up dene aayi thi...!" Sameer was feeling increasing uncomfortable now.

Naina's brows furrowed as if she was recollecting. And then her eyes found his again. "Aapne usi wajah se mujhe call kiya kya...yeh offer?"

"Nain...Reena!" Sameer took a deep breath as he corrected himself. "Aap apne aap ko underestimate karna kab band karengi...aap mein talent hai...hamesha se tha...wo to us din...mujhe kaafi gussa aa gaya...aise suddenly tum saamne...aur maine kaafi kharab se bola I know and I'm really sorry for that! But agar tumhara...aapka write-up itna acha nahi hota to for sure, main yeh offer nahi rakhta...as I've said before...main paise offer karta...loan dena offer karta ya aapko kahin aur recommend karta...business ke bhi kuch usool hote hain."

"Hmmm...," Naina murmured.

"Vaise nahi batana chahti toh it's okay!" Sameer added.

After a moment's pause, Naina replied. "Meri isse pehle to kuch khas income rahi nahi hai...Arvind ki income pe hi sab kuch chalta hai mera...aur filhaal unki research ko zyada grant nahi hai yahan pe...so thodi tangi hai!"

Sameer cocked his head. "Agar yahan grant nahi hai to fir tum log America se wapis kyun aaye?"

"Hum log?" Naina blinked, trying to comprehend.

"Haan tum log...wapis kyun aaye?" Sameer prompted again.

"Ohh!" Naina assessed him for a moment before answering. "Recession sa samajh lo! Bio-Technology ka boom khatam sa ho gaya...IT ka trend aa gaya...Arvind ki job chali gayi kyunki unke projects ki funding renew nahi huyi...fir Visa bhi extend nahi hua job search ke liye...yahan AIIMS mein ek Research Assistant ki job mili to wo le li unhone...lekin filhaal us tankwah pe ghar chalana mushkil hai...!"

"Ohh...hmm...," Sameer muttered, unsure of what to say next. Were the earnings of the scientists in his country so trifling? That was a sorry state of affairs indeed!

"Chinta mat kijiye...sab theek ho jayega!" he tried to reassure her.

Naina smiled sadly, "shayad".

After a few minutes, she lifted her head, "ek baat bolun?"

Sameer met her gaze, "boliye na!"

"'Aap' bolne ki zarurat nahi hai... 'tum' bol sakte ho. I don't mind. Personal life mein nahi jaana hai I can understand, but yeh cheez bhi to hai na ki chahe kitni koshish kar lein...hum ajnabi to nahi hain...". She finished, unsure of his response.

Sameer pondered over her words. That was true. Trying to evade the fact that they knew and loved, no correction, he loved her, wouldn't do. They may try to act as strangers, but the truth was they did not feel like that to each other. Not even after all these years- a deception, a marriage and a kid separating them.

He pursed his lips, "okay...tum bhi!"

Naina smiled, nodded her head politely and got back to work.

***

Waiting for Naina on their appointment days or seeing her ride off home had become a routine for Sameer. He knew his obsession with her was bad for him, would wreck him again, but his heart refused to listen to his mind.

That evening too when he saw Naina fold her saree and settle onto the backseat, her hand on Arvind's shoulders (much to his dismay), Sameer resorted to his favourite past time of the past few days- comparing his looks with A's.

His fingers grazed his own chin, trying to see how pointed it was and then glanced at the mirror he'd put up on the side of the wall. Arvind had a sharp chin. Sameer couldn't match there. He checked his nose next. Again, Arvind's was sharper. Uggh! As his eyes fell over his hair flitting across his eyes, he realized they'd overgrown again. And then he remembered- remembered the effect his hair had on Naina. Though A had bountiful pleasing hair covering his head, it wasn't half as good as his, he thought happily. He recalled how Naina always used to say how much she loved his long, silky hair. He even remembered their argument back in the library, that one fateful day, when he'd named his and Naina's relationship- which was what it actually seemed to him now, a tag of 'zarurat' or 'use'. He felt awful. He was such an imbecile, an incurable jerk! How could he say those words? Even by mistake? Even when he hadn't realized he'd loved her! How would he have felt if she'd snapped those same words at him- downright miserable, tormented and not to mention, seriously angry. Anger- that had always been his weak point. He should have taken some therapy. He knew he'd made up with her that evening, but he still regretted it. No one had the right to insult Naina. Not even him. Especially not him.

He shifted his gaze back to the scooter below. He wasn't lucky to catch a glimpse of Diya often as mostly she was in school when Naina visited, but today she was perched at the scooter handles, blabbering something excitedly to her parents .

He sighed as Arvind steadied Diya, who was now jumping about on the scooter, while Naina laughed with her head thrown back at something he uttered. And then he saw the whole family wend their way down the road.

Jealousy streaked through his veins. Rage sparked through him at seeing Naina move away from him, nearer to A, happier with A. Control Sameer! He commanded himself, taking in deep breaths to calm himself. He absently grazed his fingers through his hair and then, as if on a whim, decided that he should start growing it back till the same length as it was in college. Naina would like it. Why would she? And even if she does, so what! She's not yours, cut it out Sameer! But Sameer ignored the protests of his subconscious and smiled an evil smirk. Despite everything, he was eager to see if his hair still had it in them to fluster Naina. Of course- not that he was planning on sleeping with her. He wouldn't dream of it! Well, perhaps dreaming was harmless.

A month or so passed and Sameer's hair care regimen became stringent- overnight oiling with coconut and mustard oils; and the application of a curd and egg hair mask that he'd discovered in a magazine recently, every Sunday. One such Sunday afternoon, Deepika spotted him with the said hair mask and was startled, not to mention slightly amused. Had the breakup somehow meddled with his hormones? That would explain his lack of interest in women or marriage! She began to contemplate the idea a bit seriously. She raised her brows and stood at the bathroom door as Sameer washed the mask off in the sink and dabbed himself with the towel. As he turned about, he coloured on seeing Deepika standing with her arms crossed against her chest and wearing a smug smile. It was embarrassing to find his sister having caught him doing girlish things. Oiling was enough, he instantly decided. No more masks from now on!

Deepika chuckled, "bhaiya....aap ladkiyon jaise....isi liye shaadi mein interest nahi hai kya?"

Sameer was mortified beyond measure now. "Deepika!" he raised his voice.

She was now laughing loudly and then trying to subdue herself, she mumbled, "I support you...has sirf isliye rahi hun...ki aap bahot funny lag rahe ho...isliye nahi aap jo ho!"

"Deepika...main normal hun okay! Aur chup raho...bas baalon ke liye dadi lagati thi bachpan mein!" he lied additionally.

Deepika nodded. And a few seconds later, she burst out laughing again. Her laugh was so infectious that Sameer couldn't help but giggle along with her.

***

"Sir...wow! Aapka hairstyle ekdum Shahrukh wala hai!" Rita declared appreciatively. Sameer's eyes darted nervously to Naina in the corner. Naina, on the other hand, was fighting not to make a face at Rita. "Badi aayi Shahrukh style wali...jab dekho chipakti rehti hai!" Naina mumbled under clenched teeth.

"Actually yeh Salman style hai!" he declared. That somehow mollified Naina's unease.

"Sir...Salman ko chodo ab...Shahrukh hai naya superstar...I just love Shahrukh!" Rita's expression turned dreamy and Naina and Sameer, both looked at her in horror. As she turned to look back at her boss, she became flustered as she realized her words might have offered different connotations.

"Mera matlab Shahrukh...actor...shayad call aa rha hai...main jaati hun.....". With this, she scrambled away.

Naina's eyes caught Sameer's. An amused glint came in his eyes and he bit his lip, trying to suppress a smile. And then, unconsciously, both of them started grinning. He realized he was laughing more freely these days than he'd had in the past five years.

Sameer then drew up a chair next to her, consciously trying to avoid the scent of her perfume and picked up the draft of the eighth chapter.

"Tum...wo?" Naina asked, before she could stop herself.

"Wo...main....kya?" he raised his eyes from the chapter and focused on her.

"Matlab...tum dono...wo achi dikhti hai...," Naina trailed off.

Was she jealous? Could she be? He was amazed.

This was the time to try it out. And then, acting as if it was purely unintentional, Sameer slid his fingers slowly through his hair, waiting to see her reaction. His male ego should have been satisfied, for he didn't miss the small gasp that escaped from her lips, before she cleared her throat and trained her eyes on the paper in front of her.

Yes!

"Hum dono saath nahi hain...agar tum yeh puchna chahti ho to."

Naina looked up at his earnest face again. She nodded her head, "okay...". Another moment later, Naina felt her out-of-control tongue spit out an embarrassing statement again.

"Par kyun...matlab...kabhi nahi kya? Mera matlab wo achi ladki hai...kaafi khoobsurat bhi hai....tum dono kabhi to ek saath rahe hoge!" What was she saying? Shut up Naina! Do you want him to know how much do you still love him, despite what he did to you? That wouldn't be fair to the vow she'd made to Arvind. No, she mentally shook her head. And why the hell did he have to grow his hair back and on top of that; comb his fingers through them. Was he trying to seduce her again? Ohh the jerk! She just prayed to God to give her an opportunity to give Sameer a piece of her mind- just so he'll know what his deeds did to her life. But even then, maybe, she couldn't think the worse for him. Love came with stupid terms and conditions, she decided. So why should she love him? She better hate him. Yes. At that moment, however, his firm voice broke her confused reverie, "kabhi nahi!"

He was watching her intently. She swallowed as their eyes met and stayed there for a while, each challenging the other in some unspoken duel or searching...exchanging words of...of love..., whatever, they couldn't decide. One thing was for sure, despite her promise to hate him, Naina found her spirits lifted knowing that he hadn't ever slept with Rita. Even when that did not change things for her, it gave her some solace in knowing the fact that he hadn't been bedding all beautiful creatures around him.

***

The lunch was proceeding as usual. But Sameer couldn't have been less attentive, for his mind was focused on the blouse donned by that woman in the black chiffon saree.

"Why did she have to wear such a low cut blouse? The sleeves are so meagre!" Sameer could identify a vertical strip of white peeking out from underneath one of the sleeves. Naina looked up and found Sameer staring in her direction. She raised her eyes to question him, when Sameer thought for a moment and then subtly gestured to her side. Confused, Naina looked around, but couldn't understand. Sameer clenched his teeth, and finally, appearing to scratch his neck, he pointed his finger onto his shoulder and then raised his eyes in her direction. Naina looked down at her shoulder and immediately realized what he was indicating at. Flushed with embarrassment, she quickly adjusted her blouse and saree to cover herself decently. Before she could catch a glimpse of him, Sameer had turned away.

But the errant strap began showing again after a few minutes. Sameer was standing just behind Naina when he noticed it. Irked beyond reason, he immediately tuck the lone strap inside the blouse. But the moment his hand touched her bare skin, she gasped and he realized what he'd done. They looked at each other in a mix of astonishment and horror. For a moment, Sameer was lost in the feel of her velvety skin beneath his fingers again and his body as if reminiscing the past, went into overdrive. It took him a good deal of control to get back to his senses. He was appalled at his audacity. What would she think of him? But Naina's thoughts herself had strayed pretty much in the same direction as his, though she hoped her body hadn't betrayed her. She'd felt herself stiffen at his touch and then prepared to melt- melt against him, wanting more of him. Her limbs had turned feeble, barely able to support her weight, while her insides pulsated with that familiar warmth he used to ignite within her.

Sameer quickly retreated his hands back into his pockets, and Naina regained a handle on herself. Both cast glances around, hoping no one had noticed what had just transpired. No one had. Naina turned around, as Sameer muttered a barely audible sorry and skittered away. Naina now covered her back completely with her saree, determined not to do with any more makeshift blouses and to take care of any wardrobe malfunctions from now on.

After the lunch was over and he courteously bid the new suppliers farewell and muttered a mortified goodbye to her, Sameer came back to his own cabin. He quickly loosened his tie and sat down. "What had he done today at lunch?" He eyed his fingers in amazement, thinking about the response a mere touch of her skin had incited in him.

He gulped. You need to stay in control buddy. He knew Naina was as taken aback as him, and was grateful he wasn't rewarded with a resounding slap in front of all his employees and clients. The last thing he wanted was to stoop low in the eyes of those who worked for him- for that would've rendered the only place he could find solace in life- his office, useless.

He opened his drawer to withdraw his wallet and saw the packet of cigarettes lying there. With difficulty, he resisted the temptation to smoke. As he pushed it back, he saw the book lying beneath the packet. It was 'Paradise', the book that Naina had gifted him long back on his birthday and the one he'd taken out on this one. He flipped through the pages again and before he knew, he'd sat down to read.

He didn't realize how time passed, as he turned page upon page- finally where the character of Matthew Farrell came into the picture. And then to the meeting of the hero and the heroine- the sparks he'd felt with Naina, came alive with the fireworks of the novel. Sameer went on to read and came to the point where the heroine is pregnant and entreats the hero to marry her and their subsequent developing feelings for each other.

And then his heart became too heavy reading of someone's blossoming love and their resulting separation. He quietly inserted the bookmark and folded the book. As he held it, he wondered what if Naina had been carrying his child? Would she have wanted to marry him for the sake of her family and society? Would he not have done more than perhaps Matt could ever do to ensure that both the mother and child were well-loved and happy? If only, that had been the case. If only!

He sighed and smacked himself for his random musings. He looked out of the window- he could see the streetlights coming on as the dusk had lent way to night. He composed himself, replaced the book in the drawer and made for home.

That night as he slept, he had a weird dream- Naina rushes to tell him that she is preganant and he is surprised, for he mostly had taken care when they were together. She implores to him that he was the father of the child that she was carrying (which was again obvious to him) and he agrees to take her hand in marriage. Together they go to Rakesh and seek his blessings. But Rakesh is furious at him for having brought such shame upon his family and for marring the image and character of the only daughter he had. He starts to slap him furiously, vehemently castigating him, till he falls to the floor and writhes in pain. And Naina is weeping besides him, begging Rakesh to stop. And then the scene dissolves to where Sameer sees Naina moving away from him, turning to weep in the arms of another man. He squints to look closely through his pain and realizes it is Arvind. And very soon, he sees Diya in Naina's arms and Arvind smilingly affectionately at them both. Arvind has snatched away his paradise! No!!!

Sameer woke up with a start and took a few moments to realize he'd been in a nightmare. Relieved, he wiped the sweat off his forehead and poured himself a glass of cool water from the jug besides. Once he'd sated his thirst, he pondered at length over the incredulity of his dream and the impact the reading of that novel, coupled with his envy of A had led to a fancy as strange as this.

He swiftly got up and sifted through the contents of his drawer and took out a cigarette he'd kept there hidden. He could not restrain himself anymore. He needed it to clear his mind tonight. Things had become really strenuous ever since Naina had come back into his life, that too accompanied by a husband and a child. He lit it up and locked himself in the bathroom. As he took a drag, he eyed himself in the mirror- his face reflecting guilt at smoking again. He needs to forget about Naina and their past now. It is only Reena who should remain. He has to be professional to be able to help her out. After a few minutes of contemplation on the subject, he popped the cigarette stub into the toilet and flushed it, determined to do the same with the hope in his love-stricken heart.

***

Sameer stood at the back of his office, trying to steal a few moments of solitude and a few puffs of nicotine. He'd already finished a complete packet in less than a week citing some excuse or another to himself. He knew he was going back on his promise of exerting control and disappointing his friends and family, but after reading the excerpt from Naina's novel where the heroine kisses the hero had tortured him. He'd wound up the work earlier that day, and told her he might need to relook and consult his other editors on certain descriptions. The truth was, he was exasperated at having to read romance, that too penned down by the woman, who was strictly beyond his own romantic reach.

"Suspense ya murder nahi likh sakti kya? Ise bhi pyaar mohabbat hi likhna hai!" He was about to take another puff, when he saw Naina appear in front of him, her hands laden with her purse and her grocery bags. Sameer panicked and immediately dropped the cigarette and snuffed it out, before he realized he was no longer answerable to her.

Yet the way she eyed him in disappointment reminded him of her all the times in the past when she used to rebuke him.

Eager to change the topic, he remarked, "tum yahan kaise?"

Naina still looked uncertainly at the cigarette thrown on the ground and responded, "bus stop yahin hai!" And then she averted her eyes, displeased, but trying to appear unconcerned.

"Ohhh...hmmm!"

The next ten minutes passed in silence as Naina waited for her bus, and Sameer waited besides her. Somehow, he didn't want to leave her side.

"H...husband nahi aaye?"

Naina shook her head. "Scooter kharab ho gaya aaj subah."

"Hmm...Main chod dun?"

"No...thanks!" she politely declined.

"Hmmm!" he shrugged.

"Sameer?"

"Haan?"

"Suno...cigarette kam peeya karo...sehat ke liye kharab hoti hai!" she quipped, unable to control herself.

"As if meri kisi ko padi hai...," he shrugged his shoulders.

"Shayad kisi ko padi ho!" she responded after a minute.

Sameer stared at her and Naina hastily added, "aur agar kisi ko na bhi padi ho, insaan ko khud ki fikar khud bhi karni chahiye!"

Sameer was taken aback by her words. She was right in a way he knew. Perhaps he'd always laid too much emphasis on people going out of their way to express concern for him that he did all in his power to provide them ample reasons to do so. And when they did not, he became more dejected and hence more decadent.

As he looked at her again, a huge green DTC bus screeched to a halt at the stop. Hordes of people climbed out, but the bus was still incredibly full. The conductor shouted at the topic of his voice, "South Ex, AIIMS, North Moti Bagh, South Moti Bagh wale...," and he repeated a chant of the bus stops. Naina fought her way in as the bus started to move, while Sameer thumped on the side to signal the driver to halt for a few seconds more. He saw her inside, jostling for space and remembered how uncomfortable she used to feel amidst crowds- be it in the buses or the locals of Mumbai. And now, despite being ill at ease, she seemed to have adapted to it. Even though Delhi had a good transport system, Sameer still felt that she would have been better off in his car.

Her eyes remained locked to his as the bus started moving and remained so, till he was left far behind.