His finger trailed the edge of the glass as he peered into the amber coloured liquid swirling inside. His ears were oblivious to the cheer around him, for his mind was awashed with the image of the only face he yearned to forget, yet longed to reminisce. The face that swirled in that goblet full of Whiskey, winking up at him.

His hands automatically moved to the bowl with the ice cubes. His slender fingers folded around the tongs. "Plunk!" A block of ice spolshed into his drink, and her face vanished for an instant. And then she was back again, giggling at him. It was followed by another ice cube. And her face met the same fate. This time her expression was smug when she reappeared. "Plunk!" "Plunk!" "Plunk!" He continued to drop the ice cubes in succession, his pace rapid. If only she would go away and leave him in peace.

"Sameer!" A shout broke his trance and he looked up from his glass full of ice cubes. "Kya kar raha hai yaar?" Munna softened his tone. Sameer willed his brain to clear and saw his best friends in front of him, staring at him in concern. He shook his head violently and focused back on his drink. He lifted his glass and downed the entire liquid at a go. "That felt better!" he thought as he stared at the empty glass. And then refilled it, only to gulp it all down again.

"Jaane wo kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila...humne to jab kaliyaan maangi...kaanton ka haar milaa...," he drunkenly drawled. Munna and Pandit shared anxious glances.

"Sameer! Dekh tujhe aage badhna hoga...aise apni jaan deke tu kya dikhana chahta tha...tu Somani uncle ki baaton ko sach saabit karna chahta hai ki tu darpok hai, kayar hai...apne Nana ji ka bharosa tod dena chahta hai...us ladki ke liye jisne ek baar bhi tera khayal nahi kiya aur ek acha rishta dekhte hi shaadi kar li? Sameer! Naina ne tera istemal kiya! Bolna acha nahi lagta aur na humne Naina se kabhi ye umeed ki thi...lekin Naina ne sirf tere saath apni..kuch kuch zaruratein puri ki...bas! Use kabhi tujhse koi rishta rakhna hi nahi tha! Agar pyar karti...aur ratti bhar bhi parvaah hoti teri to kya tujhe yeh tak na batati ki wo shaadi kar rahi hai? Aisi hi thi tumhari dosti?" Pandit drilled sense into him.

"Haan yaar...Pandat sahi keh raha hai...aur usne to teri taraf palat ke bhi nahi dekha...Preeti mili thi kal Swati ko...pata hai usne kya kaha...Naina to bahot khush hai apne sasural mein...Chicago mein hai...unka ye aalishaan bangla hai wahan...aur to aur wo wahan uske aage ki padhai ka bhi soch rahe hain...itna paisa hai ki kya batayein...aur uska pati toh...!" Sameer flinched at the word. But Munna continued determinedly, "...uska pati use bahot chahta hai aur Naina bhi uske saath bahot khush hai!" Again images of Naina and Arvind, naked, wrapped in each others arms on a huge bed crawled in Sameer's mind. He shut his eyes to rid of the image and yelled.

Post Sameer's discharge from the hospital, the doctor had advised his well-wishers to stay a bit soft on him. He was mentally unstable, reeling from some major setback in life, they were told. Of course they all knew what that setback was! They were advised that he needed the emotional support of his family and friends rather than people teaching about the rights and wrongs in life.

His mother had stayed back in Ahemdabad to oversee his recovery and wait till the time he was prepared to leave for Delhi. Mr. Somani had been pleasurable enough- though Sameer couldn't be exactly sure why- if it was genuine concern for his health or for the fear of another scandal, added as a blemish on his pristine mileu. But all the same, Mr. Somani was inclined to believe that now that his own son Rohan had taken off to the United Kingdom for his Masters in Business Administration, he had no more qualms in letting Sameer stay with his mother. Vishakha, on the other hand, had intended to utilize the opportunity to make up for the time and love her son had lost out upon. But she was dejected as he showed a lack of empathy for anyone or anything.

After repeated insistence, Sameer had been visiting a psychiatrist, recommended by the surgeon who'd treated him at the hospital. But it was hardly helping. For Sameer found it difficult to talk, to open upto anyone. He seemed to be in a constant whirlwind of thoughts. And it was no denying the fact that he was. Absorbed in thoughts of the mess he called life. Or his first life at least. The problem was Sameer had no idea how to ensure the second life bequeathed to him didn't fall in tow with the previous one. So when Munna and Pandit offered to celebrate he-didn't-remember-what, he accepted their self-invitiation to his house for a boys' night out. To his surprise, they had sneaked alcohol out of Nanu's cupboard with the aid of Ramdhari, who poor soul, God bless him, wanted to see his Sameer baba full of life and vigour again. So after Vishakha retired to bed that night, Sameer was reintroduced to the remedy for all pain in the world- Whiskey! He'd taken the first swig after months of abstinence only partly because of the contempt for Naina, which he'd started harbouring deep within for the way she'd abandoned him; and partly because he cursed himself for not understanding his own feelings and confessing them beforehand to her. And that day had marked the return of his regular drinking habits. Two weeks later, he was back again with his friends in a restaurant-bar on a trip in Daman, trying to guise his bitterness for Naina in the acridity of alcohol.

***

Sameer had picked up all his bad habits back again. He would get drunk every night, and even Munna and Pandit's displeasure and scoldings did little to bring any change in him. He would often finish off a pack or two of cigarettes in a day, which alarmed them as well as his mother. Sameer was becoming a gone case. He would leer at women on the road and whenever someone tried to seduce him, he would get either agitated and would push the girl away in disgust, or shiver with anxiety and fear as he got reminded of his times with Naina.

Munna, Pandit and Vishakha felt that if Sameer started going out with his friends, it might change his somber mood. "Chal...aaj hum teeno bhai Law Garden jayenge...purane dino ki tarah!" Munna quipped happily. Sameer let out a ghost of a smile, as he shook his head, "aaj mood nahi hai yaar!"

"Bhai Pandat ka janamdin hai...3 mahine ho gaye! Tu us Naina ke chakkar mein apne doston ko bhi bhul gaya?" Munna exclaimed, as Pandit looked on hurt. Sameer bit his tongue, feeling tremendously guilty. He got up and pulled Pandit into a bone-crushing hug, "happy Birthday bhai!" He pulled Munna into the hug as well, and muttered amidst his tears, "Sorry wo dimag hi nahi chalta...chalo Law Garden chalte hain, wo bhi triplee!" Sameer proclaimed, trying to instill a sense of cheer in his voice, and all the same, wiping tears on his shirt sleeve.

Sameer tried to laugh for the sake of his friends as they loaded their table with dishes of Ahmedabadi pizzas, gathiya-fafda-jalebis, paani puris, chaats. He tried his best to join the revelry. But the truth was, the well-lit arcade of Law Garden, the cheerful crowd around him, the sounds of laughter emanating from people was just the anti-thesis of what his heart desired- total solitude, melancholy and peace.

As Munna and Pandit jumped off their table to another stall to get their fill of cold drinks, Sameer waited, his head bent low, staring at the food non-hungrily. "Sameer?" A voice broke his reverie. Sameer looked up and saw Tibrewal standing at the foot of his bench. Rahul and Sudip had told him that Tibrewal had cleared the civil services exam in his first attempt and was training in Mumbai.

"Sameer....how are you?" Tibrewal repeated in a highly accented English, already behaving as an IAS officer. Sameer shook his head and held out his hand. "I'm...I'm fine! Tum kaise ho?" he responded as politely as he could. But the more he looked at Tibrewal, the more the last day of college and Tibrewal's words reverberated in his ears, "good choice...pure college ko pata tha...itna time lagta hai kya pyaar samajhne mein?"

"Main to acha hun...Mumbai mein training chal rahi hai...par tum theek nahi lag rahe...kya hua...aur Naina kahan hai?" he enquired, looking around for her.

Sameer had to grit his teeth at the mention of her name. He stayed silent. "Sameer? Naina kahan hai? Ahemdabad mein nahi hai kya who...vaise tumne batayi nahi apni love story...kya bola Naina ne? Matlab jo ladki kisi se impress nahi huyi...wo the famous Sameer Maheshwari se pati ki nahi?" Tibrewal chuckled.

Sameer glanced up at him and the familiar surge of irritation and displeasure seized him. He turned away in disgust. Even he reminded him of Naina tonight. He was the reason he slept with her. With this sudden logic in mind, an insane surge of fury raged through him. He leaped to his feet, took hold of his collar, and in moments, started beating Tibrewal black and blue.

"Sameer! What the hell...! Pagal ho gaye ho kya?" Tibrewal yelped as crowd started to gather around them. "Pagal...sab teri wajah se hua! Tu hi tha!" Sameer yelled, livid with rage. "Sameer! Get a hold on yourself...maine kuch galat kaha kya? Maar main bhi sakta hun tumhe!" And with this, Tibrewal punched him in the ribs. And then the fight escalated to a whole new level.

Munna and Pandit, who were happily making their way back, saw the commotion, and then their eyes found Sameer entwined in a savage struggle with Tibrewal. They immediately rushed over and with great difficulty, pulled Sameer away from Tibrewal.

"Sameer...pagal ho gaya hai kya...ise kyun maar raha hai...," Munna chided as Pandit helped Tibrewal back onto his feet. Tibrewal shrugged Pandit away the moment he was able to stand up. "Ab samajha...gayi na tujhe chod ke, jaise usne mujhe ditch kiya tha...soch uski wajah se tune mujhe tab maara tha...aur ab maar raha hai...haalat dekh apni...majnu, aawara bana diya ek ladki ne tujhe...tujhe...'stud Sameer Maheshwari ko'...ab bhugat...," Tibrewal spewed venomously.

"Saale, kameene....," Sameer screamed as he tried to free himself from Munna's restraining hold. "Sab teri wajah se hua...aur usne tujhe nahi choda tha....tu kameena tha...tune use dhokha diya tha us Meghnaa ke saath milkar...," the words came out of Sameer's mouth in frustration. And the next instant, as he realized what he'd spoken, he suddenly calmed down. He was still defending Naina, defending her after she'd betrayed him! Sameer looked about at his friends' shocked expressions, at Tibrewal's bruised, but glowering face, to the people staring at them all around. He suddenly felt dizzy in the head and without a word, left the place.

Sameer was pacing up and around his room from the past fifteen minutes. "What had he done? A stab of guilt seared his chest. He'd spoiled Pandit's birthday". He got into a fight- made a public spectacle out of his friends, beat someone who was just asking about his well being. Sameer clutched his head in his hands and rocked back and forth in frustration. "What a mess he'd become! Why? He was hurting people who cared for him despite all odds! His friends! His best friends!"

It was an hour later when Munna and Pandit finally made an appearance. And their expressions conveyed it explicitly that they'd had enough of Sameer's mood swings, his brawls, his depression and his lack of concern for any living creature around him.

"Yaar wo Naina ka naam sunte hi...," Sameer started only to be cut off by an agitated Munna. "Naina! Naina! Naina!" he hollered. "Naina ye...Naina wo...Naina ke naam se...Naina ke aane se...Naina ke jaane se...bhai hum to kahin aate hi nahin na..!"

Sameer was muted in silence at the outburst of his friends.

"Meri zindagi aisi ho gayi...tabah ho gayi...tu pehla hai jiski zindagi mein gham hain ki chala zeher khane? Aur uske baad mahashay ko do thappad lagane ke bajaye doctor bolta hai pyaar se raho...kyun bhai?"

"Tujhe marna hai na? Jee nahi paa raha na...Zeher khana hai na...ye le nind ki dawai....yai goliyaan li thi na...le kha le...aur humein bhi de de zeher...roz roz ke jhanjhat se to chutkara milega!" Pandit raged.

Sameer sat still on the bed, his head hung in shame and guilt. "Kya samjha tune...main nind ki goliyaan le lunga...main swarg sidhar jaunga...meri mushkilein khatam...bhaad mein gayi baaki duniya...kaun Munna...kaun Pandit...main inki kyun sochun...ye mere bina khushi se jiye ya dukh se tadpe haina?" Sameer couldn't utter a word.

"Sar kyun jhuka rakha hai? Yahin sikhaya tha na Nanaji ne tujhe...mushkil aayi to bhaag jao...arey ek ladki na mili to zindagi khatam? Bhai aise log adhure pyaar ke liye marte rehte na to Hindustan ki jansankhya na aise hi aadhi ho jaati...!"

Sameer's lips twitched, but no words came out.

"Matlab sharaab isliye pilayi thi ki gham bhulane mein aasaani ho...lekin tune to lat hi pakad li...matlab jo cheezein achi seekhi thi uske saath wo bhula di aur gham ko pakde baitha hai!"

"Tibrewal ki kya galti thi? Yahin ki wo sharafat se tere aur Naina ke baare mein puch raha tha...aur tu bhadak gaya uspe...tujhe kya lagta hai...logon ko maarne ka, peetne ka, unko taane marne ka theka tera hi hai...wo nai bolega tujhe kuch! Aur yeh bhi nahi ki maafi maange...naak katwa ke rakh di!" blasted Munna.

"Idhar mausi pareshan firti hain...wahan bechara Ramdhari raat ko so nahi paata theek se ki ye bhai sahab fir se zeher na le lein...kya bola tha Pandat isne jab aspatal se wapas aaya tha...main dhyan rakhunga ab...I'm sorry...main Nanu ka sapna pura karunga...yaad hai unka koi sapna...arey nanaji hote to unko kaisa lagta tere ye haalat dekh!"

"Sameer...itna bhi khudgarz hona acha nahi hai...hum nahi jaante sach kya hai...Naina ne tujhe jaan ke dhokha diya ya uski majburi thi...wo tujhse pyaar karti thi ke nahi...lekin in sab baaton ka kya fayeda ab...zindagi kiske liye ruki hai aaj tak?"

"Ab kya hai...chup kyun hai...bol na main nahi jee sakta Naina ke bina...! Mujhe mar jaane do!" Pandit exclaimed.

"Sameer...tune ek second ke liye yeh socha ki agar Naina ko tere suicide ki baat pata chalegi, jo jis tarah apni zindagi jee raha hai use pata chalega...to uspe kya beetegi...chal maana use tujhse pyaar na ho...teri dost to thi na...aur dost bhi na ho...to insaan to hai na...kya chahta hai tu...hum Amreeka jayein...use wahan se utha ke le aayein...uske pati se door...aakar teri baahon me patak dein...fir uski marzi ho na ho...use tujhse shaadi karni pade kyun?" Munna queried.

"Kyunki tu kahega na to hum wo bhi tere liye kar sakte hain...! Par karna nahi chahte!" Pandit added reproachfully. "Tu chahta hai aisa?"

Sameer was taken aback by their words. He shook his head slowly. And then again. "I'm sorry!" The words escaped his lips in a feeble whimper. And he lifted his head to see his two friends, who could move mountains for him, staring at him helplessly. "I'm sorry! Main...hosh mein nahi tha...Nanu fir Naina ka gham...mujhe kuch samajh nahi aata yaar...har taraf wahi dikhti hai...! Maine bahot badi galti kar di yaar...Nanu ka naam badnaam kar diya...pehle wo jaan lene ki koshish...ab yeh sab...par main kya karun yaad...meri madad karo use bhulne mein...please!" he apologized to his friends, as tears slid down his cheeks.

Munna and Pandit came to sit besides him and wrapped him in a tight hug. "Aisa mat kar Sameer...kehne ko hum sirf tere dost hain...but sach mein bhai se badhkar maana hai tujhe!" Munna sobbed. "Aur kya...tujhe kuch ho gaya na toh hum tere bina nahi reh payenge...," Pandit clutched him tighter.

"I'm sorry yaar...I'm so sorry! Please help me...use bhulane ke liye...," Sameer cried and then pulled his friends to him tightly.

***

The face-off with Munna and Pandit had worked wonders. Though Sameer wasn't still happy nor relieved, and his taciturn mood still lingered, he decided to pick up the pieces of his life and start again. And he would start with nursing himself back to health and vigour. As he zipped his jacket shut and tied the laces of his sports shoes, pheeta, she'd told him it was called in Hindi. Sameer shook himself again, trying to rid of memories of her. Once done, he strode over to the window and pushed it open to let the waft of morning breeze descend into his room. He inhaled deeply and watched the growth of the plants he'd been potting recently- a new hobby to occupy in the window of spare time he had for himself.

"Sameer bhaiya!" Ramdhari came in, with a glass of luke-warm lemon water as Sameer had asked him to last night. "Dhanyawaad bhaiya!" Sameer gave him a smile to his surprise. Ramdhari must have noticed it too, for he saw what looked like a tear form in the corner of his eye. "Bhaiya...aap haste raha kijiye na...zindagi aise thodi...thodi...hum roz subah bhagwan se yahin prarthana karte hain ki wo aapko lambi aur sukhi aayu dein! Bas bhaiya...aap khush rahiye...!" Ramdhari blabbered.

Sameer was touched, for this was the first time Ramdhari had spoken to him directly about the incident of his suicidal attempt. He felt mortified at his doing. When he'd gone to buy those sleeping pills, he'd hadn't been thinking about taking his life. He'd just wanted something to help him sleep. But the overdose was a spur of the moment thing, overcome with the trauma of reality. Sameer put a brake onto his thoughts. Whatever he'd done seemed an easy way out, but something his friends, his Nanu and even Ramdhari disapproved of. However pained he was, he hadn't been taught to become a coward by his Nanu. Sameer stroked Ramdhari's hair lightly. He was no less than a younger sibling to him. "Sorry! Aur thank you," he mouthed as Ramdhari let the tears fall from his eyes.

He hastily wiped them on the sleeve of his kurta and handed the lemonade to Sameer with a smile.

Sameer gulped down the contents of the glass and started warming himself before the jog, as Ramdhari retreated.

A few minutes later, Sameer looped his Walkman around his neck and walked out of the house. His mother was reading the newspaper, seated on the wooden chairs on the front porch. She looked at him in surprise and couldn't hide her happiness to see her son, up in the morning and ready for a run.

"Good morning beta!" she chirped as she set the newspaper aside and stood up to greet him. Sameer turned to face her and her excitement dropped; for when he looked at her, his eyes lacked any semblance of warmth or affection. "Morning!" he answered, without enthusiasm.

"Beta Sameer...jog pe jaa rahe ho...very good! Jogging is really good for health!" Vishakha tried to strike a conversation.

"Ho gaya aapka...jaun main?" he snapped unable to restrain himself.

Vishakha took in a deep breath and continued placidly, "beta aise berukhi se nahi bolte maa se...!"

"Maa!" Sameer rolled his eyes at her.

"Beta...main jaanti hun maine bahot galtiyaan ki hain...lekin tum us ladki ka gussa mujhpe to mat nikalo!"

The anger which Sameer was trying to suppress flared again. "Mera saamne us baat ka zikr mat kariye!"

"Kyun na karun? Uski wajah se tumhara ye haal hai! Tumne khudkhushi karne ki koshish ki aur main zikr bhi nai kar sakti! Main janana chahti hun aisa kya hai usme jo tum itne deewane ho gaye uske! Sameer! Tumhare papa ne bhi mujhe choda tha...agar main suicide kar leti to tumhara kya hota...kabhi socha hai?" Vishakha demanded furiously.

Th rage subsided again, for none of it mattered to him anymore, he decided. Only the hurt prevailed. "Jo hua usse bura hota kya?" He seemed to ponder for a moment, and then clucked his tongue, "naah...maa ab bhi nahi thi...tab bhi nahi hoti!" With this, he broke into a jog and darted out of the house, leaving his mother welling in agony and remorse behind.

As Sameer skirted around the edge of his house, trying to hold back his own hurt at the betrayal of his mother and of the only other woman he'd ever loved, Naina. "Time heals! Give time time!" he reiterated the quote which had helped him overcome his tortuous childhood and teenage. As he sprinted out onto the roadside pavement, he tried to think of ways to involve himself. He had a degree in place. It was time to find some work to keep himself busy. He should fix an appointment with Munshiji today morning. Maybe he could get started with Nanu's business itself. He had a lot to learn and it would keep him distracted from thoughts about his past, about her and also help him take his Nanu's business to the next level.

All this while, his mind was sub-consciously aware of the music streaming into his ears.

Sameer must have been jogging for half an hour when he paused to take a breath. He pulled out his bottle and gulped down half the contents. Sated, he looked up to see where he'd reached. His heart skipped a beat as he found himself in front of "Nirmal Jyoti Society", standing just below Naina's balcony. The Walkman as if on cue, started crooning:

Meri nazar mein to sirf tum ho...kuch aur mujhko pata nahi hai...

Tumhari mehfil se uth raha hun...magar kahin raasta nahi hai....

Tum bin jaaoon kahan

Tum bin jaaoon kahan

Ke duniya mein aake

Kuch na phir chaaha kabhi tumko chaahke

Sameer gulped again and then stared at the empty balcony- memories of their past encounters there sweeping through his mind. It was then a harsh sound erupted against his ears.

"Tu? Yahan bhi chala aaya...mere ghar pe...tu to Ahemdabad chod ke chala gaya tha na? Fir aa gaya mahaul ganda karne ke liye...!"

Reh bhi sakoge tum kaise hoke mujhse judaa

Phat jaayegi deewaarein sunke meri sada

Sameer looked up to see Rakesh Agarwal blaring at him in his usual belligerent manner. The man he'd once started hoping would become his father-in-law. At least one good thing came out of all this. He was spared the need to show courtesy to him. Sameer stared at him coldly, "Pura Ahemdabad aapka hai kya? Vaise bhi mujhe is choti si society ke aas pass bhatakne ka koi shauk bhi nahi hai!" Rakesh's mouth flew open at his words, but Sameer didn't wait for his retort and sprinted away.

He stopped at a pan shop a distance away from the society. He saw Rakesh give him one of his hatred-filled glares before retreating inside. And then Sameer's unwarranted gaze flew back to his beloved's balcony again. "Bhaiya ek cigarette dena!"

Sameer lit up the cigarette as he stared up at the balcony, unable to move his eyes away, the lyrics still booming in his ears.

Itni akeli si pehle, thi yahi duniya

Tumne nazar jo milai, bas gayi duniya

Dil ko mili jo tumhari lagan, diye jal gaye

Meri aah se

He puffed at the smoke in his hand, remembering how she used to scold him for doing so.

Tum bin jaaoon kahan

Ke duniya mein aake

Kuch na phir chaaha kabhi tumko chaahke

Tum bin

His eyes fixated onto the balcony, her laughter ringing his ears, Sameer lost control of the present. "Ouch!" He threw the stub away and flailed his palm to placate himself. It was only when the butt of the cigarette had burnt his fingers that he regained sense.

He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and with one last look at the balcony and her alley, he turned away and raced back towards his home.

Tum kya jaano ke bhatakta phira kis kis gali

Tumko chaahke

Tum bin, ay, jaaoon kahan

Ke duniya mein aake

Kuch na phir chaaha kabhi tumko chaahke

Tum bin

***

Naina blinked away her tears and turned back to rolling the chapatis, trying to adjust to her new life- a life which did not involve Him anymore. A life she wished she could have had- with him.

As she slapped a chapatti onto the hot pan, Naina adjusted the tuner on the cassette player as Md. Rafi's mellifluous voice emanated out from the cassette player,

Tum kya jaano ke bhatakta phira kis kis gali

Tumko chaahke

Tum bin, ay, jaaoon kahan

Ke duniya mein aake

Kuch na phir chaaha kabhi tumko chaahke

Tum bin

Her eyes darted out of the open kitchen window of their own volition. But the street was deserted. And then a deep, baritone voice sounded from the living room, "Naina...".

Naina took in a deep breath and closed the shutter with a slam. She replied, "ji aayi!" and flipped over the chapatti cooking on the pan.