Wait to start the song.

Josh came back to consciousness in stages. His mind woke up before his body, and his eyes couldn't open until his body woke up. He wiped at his eyes before starting to sit up. He stopped when he saw the little girl sitting at the end of the bed. Where was he?

"Hi," Abbie said quietly, eyeing him warily. Home. He was home.

Josh hadn't seen his little sister since she was eleven. She used to like him, but Josh had ruined that the last time he was addicted to something. Cocaine had ruined his life for a lot of reasons, and that had included his family. He'd been so focused on getting high that he hadn't felt guilty taking money from them, and that included extorting his little sister for whatever she would give him. She'd wanted to help at first, thinking he was asking because he loved her, but it didn't stay that way. He'd lost her trust.

"Hey," he replied tiredly, wiping sleep from his eyes as he sat up.

"You've been asleep for three days," Abbie told him, but she looked nervous to be around him.

"Fuck," he muttered. He swung his legs out from under the sheets, placing his feet firmly on the floor. "Three days?"

"Yeah," Abbie replied quietly. She watched him push his hair back and stretch before she leant over to Jordan's chest of drawers and pulled out a shirt. She held it out to him. "Jordan said to give you a shirt when you woke up."

"Why?" Josh asked groggily.

His sister shrugged. "You weren't wearing one when you got here."

Josh looked down at his torso, which was bare. "Oh. Where is Jordan?" Josh asked her, trying to ignore how wide her eyes got when he took the shirt from her and she saw the state of his arm.

She shrugged. "He's been getting Daddy out of the house everyday in case you woke up. None of us really wanted you guys to be here at the same time."

Josh nodded his understanding. The last time he and his father had been in the same room, fists had been thrown. Considering he had apparently shown up here shirtless and then passed out for three days, his father wouldn't be too happy to see him. He pulled the shirt on before standing up.

"Tell him I said thanks," Josh told his sister as he headed for the door.

Her eyes widened. "You're leaving?"

"I'm not supposed to be here, remember?" Josh told her, hearing her scamper along behind him as he left their bedroom.

His mother was sitting in the living room, sewing the button onto a shirt. He didn't talk to her as he looked around before finding his keys sitting on the counter. She looked up when he picked them up.

"Hi, honey. How are you feeling?" She asked him worriedly.

"Fine," Josh mumbled as he headed for the door, still trying to figure out how and why he was here.

"Hey, wait a second!" His mother exclaimed, hurrying up and across the room. She grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the living room. He didn't look at her. That would make leaving here again that much worse. "Sit down for a second, okay? Can I at least feed you before you go?"

"I have to go, Mama," he told her quietly.

"Please? I've got something I need to talk to you about," she told him earnestly.

Josh glanced at his little sister, who was chewing nervously at her nails as she watched him from the hallway. When she caught him looking at her, she disappeared back into their bedroom. Her bedroom. Josh didn't live here anymore. He wasn't welcome.

Still, Josh sat down on the couch across from his mother. She let out a small breath of relief before moving an ottoman in front of him and sitting down on it. He was surprised when she took one of his hands, holding it gently in both of hers. What had happened when he'd gotten here?

"Do you remember what happened when you came over, Joshua?" His mother asked softly. He shook his head slowly, still not looking at her. "You said you didn't know what you'd taken and you were really scared. Do you remember that?"

"No," he said quietly.

"You thought something was going to hurt me. You were very afraid. You were so afraid that you drove over here to make sure I was okay. Do you remember driving here?" She continued.

That scared Josh a lot. He'd driven after shooting up? He could've killed himself. Where was Debby when he'd left the house? Wasn't she supposed to make sure he didn't do something stupid?

"No," he replied shakily.

His mother swallowed hard, but tried her hardest to look supportive as she nodded. "You said whatever you'd...injected...wasn't what you usually used. You didn't know what it was, but it seemed to me until you passed out that you were on cocaine again. Did you relapse, Joshua?"

Josh's eyebrows drew together in confusion. Heroin didn't have the same symptoms as cocaine. It had practically the opposite symptoms. Why would he be acting like he was on cocaine if-

Start the song. It's Black Out on White Night by Sage Francis.

Then it hit him. He remembered. Ashley had given him a speedball. That was why his body had reacted the way it had. After months-nearly a year-of being clean, there had been cocaine in his system again. His eyes filled with tears as he looked at his mama again, and hers did too.

"Joshua, if you need help-"

"I have to go," he said as he started to stand up again, but his mother eased him back down.

Josh couldn't cry about this in front of her. Not now. Not after he'd tried so hard to keep off of that, just to have it given back to him by someone he'd trusted. Now how was he going to get better? He was going to have to kick heroin and cocaine at the same time now. There was no way. There was no fucking way.

"Mama, I swear I didn't-I wouldn't-I was-" Josh tried, but his voice broke as he failed to find the words to tell her how this had happened. He couldn't tell her that he'd thought he was using heroin. He couldn't tell her it was his girlfriend's girlfriend who had given it to him. He couldn't tell her anything. "I'm sorry."

"And these track marks in your arm? Joshua, this is serious. You aren't just snorting things anymore. This is a lot harder to bounce back from. Once you put something directly into your bloodstream, your body is going to fight like hell to get it when you try to stop it," his mother said softly.

"I know," Josh mumbled shamefully. "I know, and I wanna get clean, but I just...."

His mother's eyes were sad. "Baby, you can't make excuses for yourself. You have to remember what made you get clean last time. Find a new reason if you need to, but hold it tight and don't let it go. Never let go of that reason. That's the only thing more important than the excuses."

"What was yours?" Josh asked quietly.

His mother smiled slightly as she smoothed his hair back off of his forehead. "You. Your brother. Your sisters. Your father. I knew you all needed me more than I needed to drink. It took me too long to realize that, and I'm sorry. It doesn't have to be too late for you though."

"I don't think I have a reason," Josh admitted, feeling ashamed just saying it.

Debby should be his reason, but he was pissed at her. He was pissed she'd brought Ashley into his life. He was pissed she'd let Ashley bring drugs back in. He was pissed she'd been stronger than him, but not strong enough to try to be strong for him and tell Ashley no when he couldn't. He was pissed that she'd let him drive when he was high. He was pissed that she always told him he'd get better, but didn't try to help him do that at all. She couldn't be his reason, and he didn't have anyone else.

His mother leant forward and kissed his forehead before holding his face gently. "Honey, you can be your own reason. Get better because you deserve better. You don't have to do it to please anyone else. You deserve to be healthy. That's the best reason there is. You're worth the effort."

Josh hadn't ever thought about it like that before. He took a deep breath before nodding. "Yeah," he whispered.

"Your daddy can get mad about it if he wants, but if you wanna get better and you try, I'll help you. I'll do everything I can, okay? Anytime you think you can't do this, you call me. Do you still have my number?" She asked him hopefully.

He nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

A tear rolled down her cheek as she smiled at him, but she brushed it away quickly. "I love you, Joshua. I know you can do this. You just need to remember why you need to get clean. Do it for you. You deserve to get better," she reminded him gently.

For some reason, those words felt more sincere coming from his mother. She'd shut him out before, but she was giving him another chance. She knew how awful he could get, she'd seen it, but she still believed in him. That felt real to him.

"I want to get better, Mama. I do. I just...I don't know if I can survive the withdrawals. I've only ever had them after a few days without using, and they get bad. They get really fucking bad. I get...I get seizures and I get so dope sick I can't-"

"Dope?" His mother asked, her eyes widening. "Joshua, tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing."

Josh swallowed hard. "Mama-"

"Joshua William Dun, are you or are you not using heroin?" She demanded, and she looked more scared than he'd ever seen her.

A horrible sick feeling overcame him as he looked at his mother. He'd already let her down so much. She'd put up with so much because of him. She deserved so much better than what she had, but just like Debby, she kept trying to help him anyways. Why did people keep doing that? Why didn't they understand that he wasn't good?

Instead of voicing any of that, Josh just nodded. His mother's hand left his as she buried her face in her hands. Tears stung at his eyes when he heard her let out a sob. He hated this. He hated Ashley. He hated Debby. He hated heroin. He hated drugs. He hated himself so much it made him physically sick.

"I have to go," he muttered as she stood up again on shaky legs. "I'll put Jordan's shirt in the mailbox tomorrow."

"Joshua," his mother sobbed out, grabbing his hand once again. She stood up and hugged him tightly. He hugged her back with equal force. "I love you. I love you so much, but you have to learn to take better care of yourself. You can't.... You've gotta kick this, baby. You've got to."

That made it seem so simple, like getting clean was the only option. Maybe it was. How much further down could he sink before he was either as bad as Ashley or six feet under?

Josh's mother was right. Those excuses didn't matter anymore. He was so scared of dying, but he wasn't trying to help himself at all. He knew what he needed to do, but he was too scared to do that. He'd convinced himself that dying was less scary than what he really needed to do, but it wasn't. He was just comfortable in the mess he lived in right now. That had to stop, and it had to stop now before it was too late.

"I love you too. Mama, I've gotta go, but I'll call you, okay? I'm not just saying that this time. I'll call," he promised. He kissed the top of her head before releasing her.

She sniffled as she watched him head for the door. "Joshua?" He looked at her, his fingertips already on the doorknob. "I know you can do this."

He nodded, taking a deep breath. "Thanks, Mama. I'll talk to you later."

Something felt different as he left his mama's trailer and headed for his car. Going home didn't feel like so much of a death sentence right now. He knew what he needed to do, and he was terrified, but this wasn't the worst threat looming over him right now. This was just a step. It was a teeny tiny baby step that he'd been hiding from for far too long. He had to face it though.

He had to get better. He had to get better because he couldn't live like this anymore, and that was as good of a reason as any. He buried that reason in his heart, repeating it like a mantra in his head until it was burnt into his brain. There was no going back now.

If Tyler could get out of Oklahoma, Josh could kick this addiction. Just like Tyler's tattoo had seared that promise into his shoulder, Josh's mother had seared this promise into every inch of his being. He was going to get better, and that couldn't be an empty promise anymore. He had to do this, or he really was going to die. Suddenly, death wasn't a viable option anymore.