Wait to start the song.
***I'm honestly not sure what triggers to post here, but I guess trigger warning for mentions of vomit and a bad reaction to drugs.***

Josh spent the majority of his weekend hazily sliding in and out of consciousness. At the moment, Ashley was passed out on the sofa, drooling onto one of Debby's throw pillows. There would still be a needle sticking out of her arm if Debby hadn't carefully removed it for her.

Heaviness filled Josh's limbs as he laid on the couch. He was completely out of it, which made it even more comforting to him when Debby babied him. She'd spread a blanket over him at some point since he'd last passed out, and the shirt he'd thrown up on was gone from his now bare chest. He didn't usually throw up when he was high, but he did get seizures sometimes, which led to vomit. Today's seizure hadn't been big enough to warrant getting medical attention, so Debby had just soothed him back to sleep and made sure he was comfortable.

At the moment, Debby had Ashley's feet in her lap as she read a book that Josh was too strung out to read the cover of. A cigarette sat between her pretty pink lips as she turned the page. Slowly, her eyes drifted over to Josh. She smiled when she saw he was awake.

"Hey, baby boy. How are you feeling?" She asked softly.

Josh smiled lazily, unable to do much else. He hummed out some sort of a response. His chest felt warm when Debby stubbed out her cigarette in the ash tray on the windowsill before climbing off of Ashley's couch and coming over to his.

She climbed under the blanket with him, wrapping her arms around him although he couldn't move his. She kissed his lips softly, and he fleetingly wondered if she'd been able to get him to brush his teeth after he threw up. He couldn't remember.

"I'm so lucky to have a baby like you," she told him in a whisper, and he smiled. "You're the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. I love you so much."

Sleepily, Josh lifted one of his heavy arms and slung it around her waist before closing his eyes. As always, he was well aware that Debby could do much better than him, but he'd never tell her. Instead, he buried his face against her chest and relaxed.

The heaviness of the dope swimming through his veins mixed with the scent and touch of Debby made Josh feel more comfortable than ever. It was only made more satisfying by the fact that Debby had had to remove her clothes after Josh's seizure too. He'd thrown up on her shirt, so now she wasn't wearing one. The softness of her chest was made only that much more intoxicating by the drugs in his system.

"Are you getting sleepy again?" She asked him as she soothed her fingers through his hair.

He nodded, nuzzling closer to her and trying to open his eyes again. The drugs were pulling him too hard towards sleep though. For just a second, he panicked. He wasn't ready to go back to sleep. He wanted to be with Debby.

"Shhh, it's okay," Debby soothed when he whimpered and tried to sit up. She laid him back down, wrapping him up in her arms before guiding him to hide against her chest once again. "You're safe. I'm not going anywhere, baby boy. I'll be right here holding you when you wake up."

Josh nodded dazedly, allowing his body to sink back into the couch. Ashley had to have given him more than usual or heroin laced with something else because he'd been rolling for hours without any sort of decline. Whatever the case was, Josh really didn't like it.

The only thing grounding Josh right now was Debby. He clung to her as sleep began to overwhelm him, breathing in her green apple shampoo and the cigarette smoke still stuck in her pores.

"Dying," he mumbled.

She hushed him gently. "You're not dying, baby boy. It's okay. Just relax. I'll make sure nothing bad happens, okay?"

He nodded, wishing he could ask her to sing to him or that he could find the energy to just talk to her in general, but he couldn't. All he could do was let the heroin steal his consciousness. Once again, he was in the same dreamless sleep he'd been trapped in far too many times since Ashley had given him his first hit. He was starting to become genuinely afraid that he'd never escape this.

-----

Ashley was still unconscious when Josh woke up again. Debby had fallen asleep too, cradling his head against her chest. The clock on the wall said it was four, but the darkness in the room was what told him that it was four in the morning. His girlfriend slept peacefully although she'd been surrounded by unconscious junkies all night.

Josh was pretty sure he had an imprint of Debby's bra on his right cheek, but he was still too out of it to fully care. How long would it be before he came back down? He sat up tiredly, grateful he was mobile again. Careful not to wake Debby up, he climbed off of the couch and stumbled through the trailer until he made it out of the front door.

Start the song. It's Going Back to Rehab by Sage Francis.

Just as his feet touched the lawn, the paranoia hit him. Panic instantly washed over him. He could practically feel his brain pulsing inside of his skull as the paranoia grew, finding a target to cast his anxiety on.

Josh hurried back inside, grabbing his car keys off of the kitchen counter before stumbling back outside. Something bad was going to happen. Someone was going to get hurt. He had to stop it. He had to make sure they were safe. He had to make sure she was safe.

-----

It was amazing Josh had even made it to his destination alive. He couldn't remember driving there as he ran up the lawn before banging on the trailer door frantically.

"Mama!" He yelled anxiously as he pounded on the door. His panic grew when she didn't answer, so he knocked even harder. "Mama!"

Finally, the door opened, and his mama slipped outside, looking absolutely drained. He couldn't shove the panic down though, even as he grabbed her and hugged her tightly.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Are you okay? Is everything okay?" He asked her as he started to cry.

His mother tried to hush him gently. "Joshua, I'm okay. What did you take, honey?"

"Mama, are you sure? Is everybody else okay?" Josh sobbed out.

His mother nodded, soothing her fingers through his faded hair. "We're okay. Are you?"

It was the drugs that prompted Josh to reply with, "I'm gonna die, Mama."

She hushed him again, holding him tighter. "Did you drive here?" She asked suddenly, pulling away from him to look with wide eyes at his car, which was still running.

"I thought-I thought maybe-"

"Come inside. Dear Lord. You aren't even wearing a shirt. Come on. I'll make you some coffee," she told him warily as she led him inside.

It had been four years since Josh had been inside of his childhood home, but he was too high to even try to be nostalgic as he stumbled in behind his mother. His mother had to practically pry him off of her arm to get him to sit down at the table. As soon as her hands left him, he started shaking with fear. Something was going to hurt her. She wasn't safe. He needed to be sure she was safe.

As soon as she started a pot of coffee, she walked over and sat down next to him, wrapping him up in her arms. She was a tiny woman, but she still rocked him back and forth gently as if he wasn't a grown man. He buried his face against the crook of her neck and tried to remember how to breathe.

"Joshua, what are you on right now?" His mother asked him carefully.

"I can't tell you, Mama, but it's not what I usually use. Something's different. I hate it. I want it to stop, but it won't. Mama, I don't wanna die. Don't let me die. Please don't let me die," Josh whimpered out.

"You're gonna be okay, baby. I promise," his mother told him, but there were tears in her eyes.

He watched her closely with fear in his eyes as she left him and went to pour him a cup of coffee. Something was going to hurt her. Usually heroin slowed his breathing down, but whatever Ashley had given him was giving him a nonstop panic attack.

"Mama-" Josh gasped out as the panic of being separated from her intensified.

"I'm right here. It's okay," she told him as she carried the mug of coffee over to him and set it down in front of him.

Relief washed over him when she sat back down next to him and took his hand. Only when she was touching him again did he feel safe to pick up the mug and take a drink from it.

"You're overheating, baby. What did you-" His mother cut herself off as she turned his arm over and skimmed her fingertips across his collapsed veins. "Oh, Joshua," she whispered.

"I'm sorry, Mama," he whimpered out as he started to cry again.

She hushed him. He barely had time to set down his cup before she was tilting his head down to kiss his forehead and wrapping her arms around him. Once again, she rocked him gently, and the movement was incredibly soothing.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't know it was this bad," his mother whispered to him.

"I'm gonna get better. Debby said so," Josh told her, but he was crying too hard for it to be believable.

Still, his mother nodded, fighting back her own tears. "Yes, you are. You're gonna get better. You've done it before."

Josh nodded shakily, and then it hit him. He was having the same symptoms he'd had when he was tweaking out on cocaine. They were just mixed with the ones he usually had with heroin at the moment. Ashley had given him a speedball. The drug he'd worked so hard to kick was in his system once again, but this time it was in his blood.

He looked up dazedly when a door opened. Jordan's face fell when he saw the state Josh was in. He leant against the wall in the hallway as he watched his big brother through dark eyes that were rapidly filling with tears.

"Go back to bed, sweetie. He'll be okay. I'm sorry we woke you up," their mother told Jordan gently.

Jordan didn't move. "What's he on?"

His mother sighed. "I don't know, and I don't think he does either. He injected it though."

"I'm sorry, Jordan," Josh whimpered out.

His little brother just nodded, looking down at his feet. Josh saw a tear drop out of his little brother's eye and drop onto the floor, making this even worse.

"Jordan, would you please go outside and turn Joshua's car off before you go back to sleep?" Their mother asked gently. "He gets scared when he can't see me."

Jordan nodded again, keeping his eyes away from Josh as he silently left the trailer. In his absence, Josh clung to his mother and watched the door fearfully. Jordan was gonna get hurt. He had to come back inside. If someone came to get him, Jordan wouldn't be able to protect himself. He was too small. He was just a kid. It wasn't safe for him to-

Once again, relief washed over him as his little brother walked back inside. He set Josh's keys down on the counter. For a second he hesitated, but then he hurried over to Josh and hugged him tightly. Josh hugged back instantly, clutching onto Jordan's shirt just to make sure nothing came to take his little brother away from him.

"You should get some sleep, Josh. Do you wanna come in with me? Mama can call Debby and let her know you're safe. I promise Dad will protect Mama while you sleep," Jordan coaxed quietly.

Josh nodded, but glanced anxiously at his mother again. She reached out and smoothed his hair back as Jordan released him from the hug. "Get some rest. Everything will be better when you wake up, okay?"

He nodded again, letting his little brother help him to stand up. He stumbled after Jordan as he was led back to the bedroom he'd shared with his siblings his entire life. If he wasn't so high, he'd probably be amazed all four of them had fit in there, but instead he anxiously watched his sleeping little sister as he was led over to the side of the room that contained the bunk beds he'd shared with Jordan.

Jordan helped Josh into the bottom bunk, which had always been Jordan's, before climbing in next to him. Josh buried his face against his brother's chest, breathing in as much of the familiar scent as possible before he'd have to be ripped away from it all again. It grounded him as he tried to will his twitching muscles to relax and let him sleep.

"You're okay," Jordan whispered to his big brother, pulling him in even closer.

"I don't wanna die," Josh whimpered back.

Jordan nodded, sighing as he watched Josh tiredly. "I know. You've just gotta get clean. You can do it. I know you can."

"What if I can't?" Josh whispered back fearfully.

"You can," Jordan assured him. He was quiet for a minute before saying, "You told me you were doing better."

"I'm trying to get better," Josh told his brother weakly. "I was doing better. I even gave a guy a tattoo this week and it was actually really good, but then I shot up with this shit and...and it wasn't what I signed up for."

Jordan sighed. "Josh, I love you, but I'm so fucking sick of excuses."

It didn't even occur to Josh to argue at this point. He could. He could tell Jordan he'd still be clean if it wasn't for Ashley. He could tell him this was the first time he'd had cocaine in his system for a year. He could tell him he'd been thinking about getting better for months. He could tell him a lot of things, but none of them mattered. He didn't have an excuse.

"I'm sick of them too," Josh admitted. He looked at his little brother, who met his gaze tearfully once again.

"I love you," Jordan told him.

"I love you too," Josh replied tiredly.

"I don't want you to die."

"I don't wanna die."

Jordan nodded, wrapping his arms around Josh again. Josh closed his eyes, willing his hyperactive mind to shut down. It had been so easy an hour ago. He looked at the clock on Jordan's nightstand. Make that three hours ago. It was seven now.

"Jordan?" Josh looked up when he heard his little sister's groggy voice. "What's going on?"

"Everything's okay, Abbie. Go back to sleep," Jordan replied carefully.

She nodded, hugging her pink pillow against her chest and closing her eyes again. Just like that, she was asleep again. She snored quietly, just as she always had, but they didn't make jokes about it this time like they used to. They just laid in silence beside each other, not saying a word.

It was the heaviness of that silence that finally dragged Josh back out of consciousness. He melted into the mattress beneath him as he fell asleep in the bunk bed he'd shared with his little brother since he was in kindergarten, his body still overheating and his muscles still twitching from the speedball burning through his veins.