***Trigger warnings for mentions of/symptoms of an eating disorder, trauma from past abuse, and mentions of Josh's track marks and sunken veins (Is that something something I should be making as a trigger? Let me know.).***

Start the song. It's Feelings by Lennon Stella.

The bed was empty beside Tyler when he woke up, but he could smell eggs and coffee and hear upbeat chatter outside of the bedroom door. He yawned, glancing at the alarm clock on the nightstand. He had three hours before his first class. Usually, he'd sleep in later than this, but it was hard when he could hear the precious sound of Josh's laughter through the door.

For a moment, Tyler closed his eyes, allowing himself to pretend that he and Josh were together again. He daydreamed that they had a little house in Maine, a couple cats sharing it with them, and that Josh was making him breakfast before he went off to a job he loved. It was the only future he wanted, and just the thought of it made endorphins flood his tired body.

His eyes opened when the bedroom door did, and he couldn't help but smile when a cheerful looking Josh sat down on the mattress beside him. Josh leant down to press a kiss to Tyler's temple before soothing his fingers through Tyler's hair and softly saying, "Good morning, beautiful. I'm gonna take Jordan to school really quick, but there's toast, eggs, and coffee in the kitchen. It's still hot. I'll be back in ten, okay?"

Tyler smiled sleepily. "Mmmkay. Thank you. Drive safe. I'll miss you."

Josh chuckled, leaning back down to press a couple brief kisses to Tyler's lips before sitting back up and smiling down at him. "I'll miss you too. Eat as much as you can, okay? Lets get you healthy again."

"Okay," Tyler replied, his eyelids fluttering shut as sleep threatened to overtake him again.

Josh laughed. "Or get some more sleep, and I'll bring your breakfast in here when I get home. Either one works."

"Okay," Tyler yawned out. He rubbed his sleepy eyes before forcing them open to look at the handsome man in front of him once again. "One favour before you leave?"

"Absolutely. What's up?" Josh agreed without hesitation.

Tyler smiled. "Lemme borrow your lips for a second."

Josh laughed, but pressed his lips to Tyler's anyway. He didn't seem to mind Tyler's morning breath, kissing him deeply and tenderly for about thirty seconds before sitting back up. Tyler couldn't stop smiling.

"Hey, I like playing house with you. I get to practice being your trophy husband," Josh teased, not knowing just how much Tyler wanted that to be the case. "I'll be back in a few. Be good. I love you. Bye!" Josh told Tyler as he left the room.

Tyler wasn't sure if Josh even realized he'd told Tyler he loved him, but Tyler clung to the words like a lifeline as he rolled over and hugged Josh's pillow to his chest. His eyelids slipped shut again without him meaning for them to, and within seconds, he was fast asleep.

---

When Tyler woke up again, it was because Josh was climbing onto the bed beside him again. He blinked groggily when Josh's hand pushed his hair back off of his face gently, the action sending shivers throughout Tyler's body. He hummed sleepily, making Josh chuckle.

"Hey, I know you're tired, but I think you should eat some breakfast so we can grab your books and stuff before I take you to class," Josh sympathized in quite possibly the warmest tone Tyler had ever heard. When Tyler simply huffed and buried his face against Josh's thigh, Josh laughed and added, "I'll let you wear one of my shirts under your overalls."

Strong fingers carded themselves through Tyler's hair, making him want to whimper contentedly. He'd missed receiving affection like this. Brendon gave Tyler far more affection than most straight guys would give their gay best friend, but it felt better coming from someone Tyler had a romantic interest in. Every touch from Josh was more comforting than the last, and Tyler never wanted Josh to stop touching him.

"Not hungry. Just want to spend time with you," Tyler mumbled tiredly.

Josh hummed his understanding, his hand leaving Tyler's hair to rub his back. "One, you need to eat. Two, I will obviously hang out with you while you eat. Three, I'm gonna be really worried if you don't eat. Four, please eat." When Tyler simply grumbled in response, Josh asked him, "What if I feed you?"

Tyler smiled slightly. "You're supposed to be the baby. Not me."

"What's the sugar baby equivalent then? Me feeding you in my underwear or something? Do I sit on your lap or something? Tell me what to do, and I'll do it. I just want you to eat," Josh bargained.

No part of Tyler wanted food right now. The very thought of eating made him feel sick to his stomach with anxiety. He just wanted Josh to be here with him. He just wanted to feel like everything was normal between the two of them. If he was going to be around Josh right now, he didn't want to waste time he could be talking to Josh by eating.

When Tyler didn't respond, Josh shifted to lie down beside him, holding Tyler's face softly in one hand to lift his chin and force him to make eye contact. He looked a bit anxious as he studied Tyler's eyes. "See, this is what makes me worried, Ty. You shouldn't look scared when I talk to you about eating. That's eating disorder shit."

Tyler didn't want to talk about that. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to worry about it. He had too much going on to worry about his food issues at the moment. Besides, he didn't really have food issues. He just didn't feel hungry right now. He was okay. Everything was okay.

"I'm fine," Tyler insisted quietly.

It was obvious that Josh wasn't buying that for even a second. "How can I help you?" He asked quietly, pressing his forehead against Tyler's and nuzzling their noses together.

"You shouldn't be helping anyone right now, Josh. You're only supposed to be focusing on your own recovery," Tyler pointed out.

A sigh left Josh's lips as he pressed a gentle kiss to Tyler's nose. He connected their gaze again. "One piece of toast. If you eat one piece of toast, I'll drop this for now. I just need to know you've eaten something."

"Josh-" Tyler tried to argue, only for Josh to cut him off.

"You can wear whatever you want out of my closet, I'll drive you to campus and sit with you during your classes, you can come back here after your classes and hang out some more, and I'll even let you have another sleepover tonight. All you have to do is eat one piece of toast," Josh bargained again. When Tyler didn't immediately agree, Josh added, "Plus I'll shower with you this morning and most definitely feel you up while you're naked and wet. Deal?"

"I don't have an eating disorder," Tyler replied irritably.

"Okay. You don't have an eating disorder. Will you eat some toast then?" Josh asked hopefully.

Tyler swallowed nervously before nodding slightly. "Okay," he whispered.

A wide smile immediately tugged at Josh's lips. "Oh, thank God. I'm so proud of you. Fuck. Thank you. Okay. You just hang tight. I'll bring you some toast, and I'll snuggle you while you eat it."

"Okay," Tyler replied defeatedly, watching warily as his ex shot up off of the mattress and ran to the kitchen.

Within a couple minutes, Josh was climbing back into the bed, a piece of toast in his hand. He gave that to Tyler before climbing up to sit on Tyler's hips. He traced the subtle lines on Tyler's stomach with his fingertips as he waited for Tyler to take a bite.

"Don't stare at me," Tyler insisted quietly, immediately winding up with Josh lying down on top of his, his mouth finding its way to Tyler's throat.

He kissed the skin there softly and slowly, his tongue soothing along it before he started creating a trail of hickeys on Tyler's skin. Timidly, Tyler took a bite of his toast, earning a nip of Josh's teeth against his pulse point and the sensation of Josh's hands sliding up his chest. It felt weird to eat toast while someone was kissing him and feeling him up, but it did distract him slightly from his anxiety.

"Josh?" Tyler asked tentatively, his stomach aching more and more with every bite.

"Mmm?" Josh hummed against his throat, massaging Tyler's hips lightly in his hands.

"Do I have to eat the whole thing? I don't feel good," Tyler told him shakily.

Josh's mouth left Tyler's throat as he sat up in Tyler's lap again. He glanced at the piece of toast in Tyler's hand. Only three bites had been taken out of it, making concern cross Josh's features again. His hand settled on Tyler's aching stomach, rubbing it softly.

"One more bite?" He requested gently. "Then you can be done. I promise."

As pathetic as it felt, tears gathered in Tyler's eyes at the thought of eating any more of the toast. He shook his head. "Josh-" He began fearfully, cutting himself off with a sob.

Within a fraction of a second, the toast was out of his hand, and Josh was pulling him up into a hug. He pressed a kiss to the side of Tyler's head, softly repeating, "It's okay. You did good, baby. It's okay. I'm so proud of you. You did so good."

Tyler couldn't stop crying. Everything felt like too much. He already knew he'd have to see Jake today. Brendon was going to kill Josh when they went to get his books. His stomach was being burned alive by anxiety, and eating only made it worse.

Josh kept speaking words of comfort to Tyler as he held him close and let him cry. When Tyler ran out of tears, Josh kept holding him, allowing him to slump against his chest and sniffle.

"What are we doing, Josh?" Tyler whispered weakly.

"What do you mean?" Josh asked quietly.

"Why are we playing house and pretending to be boyfriends when you aren't supposed to be in a new relationship at this point in your recovery, and I don't know how to handle losing you twice?" Tyler practically breathed out.

Josh hesitated before starting to climb off of Tyler's lap, only to be held in place. He sighed, wrapping his arms around Tyler's neck, resting his chin on top of Tyler's head. "Honestly?" He asked quietly. "I'm scared that if I let you go now, I won't be able to find you again when I'm stable enough to take care of you. That sounds so selfish when I say it out loud, and it is, but that's the truth. Besides, you never once abandoned me when I needed you, and I don't want to force you to handle this alone if I can help you at all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being selfish about this. Maybe I really am addicted to you. I don't know. I'm sorry."

Tyler sniffled, wrapping his arms tightly around Josh's torso. "You told me in the hospital that I would be better off if I was selfish," he whispered, "but if I was selfish, I'd just be getting in the way of your recovery. That's not fair to you. You've worked too hard for this."

"Hey, look at me," Josh said quietly, shifting in Tyler's lap so they could meet each other's eyes. He studied Tyler's for a moment before telling him, "Please be selfish."

Guilt evaded Tyler when he connected their lips instantly, melting into Josh when the other man kissed back without hesitation. The kiss deepened quickly, and suddenly they were scrambling to remove every article of clothing that was blocking their skin from making contact. As soon as there were no barriers left between them, Tyler had Josh on his back, one hand lost in Josh's hair and the other holding Josh's waist. Josh's hands didn't stay in any single place for too long, like he was desperate to touch every part of Tyler's body while he had the opportunity. Tyler's lips moved to Josh's neck, eliciting a whispered moan from the other man.

Josh gasped suddenly. "Ty, the clock. You have class in an hour. We need to-" He cut himself off with a whimper when Tyler's teeth scraped lightly at his throat. "We need-Fuck."

"I can miss one day," Tyler mumbled against Josh'a throat.

"That's not a good idea, babe. You-" Josh's ability to formulate words dissipated completely when Tyler's hand travelled down between his legs, and the debate died in the air between them, only to be replaced by whimpers and moans.

---

Tyler had never cared less about missing a class. His phone kept vibrating from beside the bed, but he made no move to answer it. Josh was fast asleep with his head on Tyler's chest, smiling in his sleep whenever Tyler kissed his forehead or traced the muscles of his back. Tyler had never seen him look this relaxed while sober before, and Tyler had never felt this relaxed in another man's bed before either. Usually this was the point where something went wrong, where he had to get out of there as quickly as he could to avoid being hurt or humiliated, but Josh was all cuddles and soft snores.

The arm Josh had draped across Tyler was the one that was littered with track marks and sunken veins, but all of the needle pricks visible on his skin were scars, none fresh. There was colour in his cheeks, and the ribs that usually jutted out against Josh's skin were now being cradled protectively by layers of muscle. He was safe now. He was okay.

That was when the guilt hit. This was why Tyler had tried so hard not to be selfish. Just because he needed the reassurance that Josh still loved him and wanted him, he'd just put Josh's sobriety at risk. He'd pulled Josh down into his own problems as if Josh didn't already have a million of his own. Tyler was horrified with himself.

He held his breath for a moment, wanted to throw up or run away but not wanting to scare or abandon Josh like Josh had scared and abandoned him all those months ago. This was such a horrible thing to do to someone he loved.

Tyler finally reached for his phone, wincing at the thirty-three missed calls he had from Brendon and Sarah. He opened the group message he had with both of them and typed out,

Please don't be mad at me but I just did something so stupid and selfish

Brendon replied instantly.

Im not mad. Please just tell me ur safe.

Tyler bit the inside of his cheek and sent back,

I'm safe but I'm a terrible person. Promise me you won't freak out when I tell you what I did

It was Sarah who responded then.

We won't be mad honey. Just tell us what's going on and we'll help however we can I promise

Tyler hesitated, looking up at the ceiling and whispering to himself, "You can do this. Be honest."

Josh is the one who fixed my overalls. Jake punched me and tried to make me have sex with him yesterday and when I got away, he followed me. I didn't want to go home because I didn't want him to know where we live so I just kept driving. I drove to Josh's house without thinking about it, and he sewed my overalls and got Jake to leave me alone. He said he'd take me to class today in case Jake was there but I didn't go anyway. It's all so fucking weird because it feels like we never broke up and he's still so nice and still treats me like I matter except I know I'd be putting his sobriety at risk if we did anything. I know that but I just did the most selfish thing possible and slept with him and I might have just put his sobriety at risk. I'm such a horrible person. What do I do?

A full minute passed before either of them responded, only heightening Tyler's anxiety. By the time his phone vibrated again, he was pretty sure he was about to have an anxiety attack. Sarah came to the rescue.

Ty honey he's an adult. He made the decision to sleep with you too. He knows the risk. He made that choice. It isn't your fault okay? Not at all. We aren't mad. We're just glad you're safe. Are you still with Josh?

Tyler let out a breath of relief as he typed back,

Yeah he's asleep though. He was up most of the night taking care of his little brother. Jordan lives here with him right now. It's just him and Jordan but their mom and little sister are going to move in before their dad gets out of jail. Josh is kind of nannying them or whatever. I don't know. He's been so sweet and nice and he's trying really hard to make me feel safe and comfortable and to be understanding. Plus he sewed my overalls so well that it doesn't look like they were ever even ripped. He did it in like ten minutes too. I like him so much more when he's sober but that's so selfish

Before Brendon or Sarah could reassure him, Josh yawned and sat up. He smiled when he saw Tyler, looking absolutely relieved to find that Tyler was still here. Tyler locked his phone and set it on the ground again, trying to push down the guilt he felt upon seeing the hickeys he'd left on Josh's skin.

His face must've given away his concern though because Josh smiled warmly and kissed his nose before telling him seriously, "Hey, don't freak yourself out. You didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do." His smile faltered then. "Unless... I made you do something you didn't want to do...?" He looked a bit sick then, scooting away from Tyler slightly.

"No!" Tyler insisted, pulling Josh over to sit in his lap again and looking at him seriously. "I wanted to. I've wanted to for a long time, but I don't want to be the reason you relapse. I don't want this to set you back in your recovery, and I feel so horrible about it."

Josh seemed to understand then. "Oh," he replied quietly. He looked down at his lap for a second as he processed that fully before looking back up at Tyler and asking him offhandedly, "Are you going to influence me to take part in risky or dangerous behaviour?"

Tyler's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "What? No."

"Are you going to bring drugs or people who abuse drugs around me?" Josh continued.

"Obviously not," Tyler replied easily.

"Do you have a history of addiction or drug abuse?" Josh prodded.

"No."

"Then I think we'll be okay," Josh decided, making Tyler smile slightly. Josh grinned. "What do you need me to do to make you feel better about this?"

Tyler swallowed nervously, tangling his fingers with Josh's and pressing kisses to each of his knuckles as he considered that. "You're still going to NA?" He asked quietly.

Josh nodded. "Twice a week, every week, for eight weeks," he confirmed.

"I wanna come with you next time," Tyler requested timidly. "That way I can feel better about knowing how to help you if you get triggered or feel like relapsing or something. I won't feel good about this unless I know I can help you cope in the right ways if things get scary again."

Josh nodded. "Okay," he agreed easily. He hesitated before adding, "I want you to talk to someone about your lack of appetite or whatever's going on there, even if that just means going to talk to your mom about it. I want you to be safe and healthy, and you can't do that if you aren't eating. Deal?"

Tyler drew in a shaky breath before nodding. "Deal."

Josh smiled brightly, "So where does that leave us then?"

Tyler studied Josh's eyes timidly before suggesting, "Can we agree not to be in an official relationship until we've both upheld our end of the deal?"

"I think that's a great plan," Josh agreed.

Tyler nodded, letting out a sigh of relief. "Brendon is going to kill you."

"That's fair," Josh concluded, making Tyler laugh.

"I'll protect you," Tyler assured him.

Josh giggled, letting Tyler lay him on the bed again before climbing on top of him, kissing down Josh's chest and stomach. "Awwww, my daddy takes such good care of me!"

Tyler laughed, sitting up and looking at Josh amusedly, "Full disclosure, if you call me that during sex, I'm breaking up with you."

Josh whined dramatically, pulling Tyler back down on top of him. "But Daaaaddyyyy!"

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Alright, fine. Get it out of your system, but I'm not touching you until you're done."

Once again, Josh giggled, wrapping his arms around Tyler's throat. "Daddy is so bossy."

"Are you done?" Tyler asked amusedly.

Josh beamed innocently. "It's hard to tell. Self control isn't one of my strong suits."

"We'll work on that," Tyler decided, making Josh snicker.

"I will do my very best not to call you Daddy during sex from here on out despite the fact that you are my sugar daddy," Josh swore.

Tyler laughed, pressing a kiss to Josh's nose. "Great. That's what I like to hear."

He'd never seen Josh look this happy before without artificial happiness trickling through his bloodstream. It was impossible to hold himself back from kissing Josh over and over again, revelling in the feeling of Josh's smile pressed against his.

"Wanna help me with something important?" Josh asked when the kiss broke, smiling cheerfully at Tyler.

"What all does that entail?" Tyler asked with a curious grin.

Josh pressed a kiss to the tip of Tyler's nose before looking at him seriously and telling him, "There is an appalling lack of pink in my hair, and I'm pretty sure you're the only person I can trust to remedy that."

The amount of happiness that flooded through Tyler's bloodstream at that simple statement was disorienting. He couldn't stop smiling again. "Did you want me to do that before or after I go down on you?"

"Oh, is that what's happening here?" Josh teased, pretending to be shocked. "I thought we were just chatting. Y'know, just us girls, gossiping about-Oh wow, okay, sure. Yep. Just push my legs open like that. That's fine. I'll shut up."

Tyler laughed as he kissed along Josh's thighs. "Are you always this talkative during sex? Do I need to start preparing myself for that?"

"I've got a couple off buttons, but you'll have to figure those out on your own," Josh informed him with an innocent smile.

Tyler rolled his eyes. "God, sober Josh has a lot more energy than the Josh I knew."

"Sober Josh is way more fun," Josh agreed, making Tyler grin.

"Sober Josh is my favourite Josh," Tyler informed him.

Josh looked a bit surprised by that, but then he was smiling a bit shyly. "Mine too."

"I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Josh," Tyler told the other man in a faux-serious tone. "You don't ever have to be shy around me, especially in times like this where I'm literally seconds away from sticking my tongue in your ass."

Josh laughed. "Wow. Sexy Tyler does not sound like the kind of guy who wears overalls and rainbow socks. It's hard to decide if I like Sexy Tyler or Cute Tyler better, but I guess I'll give you my final verdict as soon as I can."

"Be patient on that. I'm gonna find one of your off buttons in just a second," Tyler replied before moving back down to kiss along Josh's thighs.

"When do I get to stick my tongue in your ass?" Josh asked, trying to maintain their banter despite being a little breathless from Tyler's kisses.

"We'll see how you're feeling when I'm finished with you," Tyler determined, making Josh laugh.

"That's the sexiest response you could possibly-" He cut himself off with a gasp, words disappearing from his lips when Tyler located the first off button, making Tyler laugh against Josh's skin.

He didn't tell Josh then, but he was overwhelmingly relieved that they'd saved their first time for when Josh was sober. It made everything more fun-more satisfying. There was more cushion on Josh's sides and stomach when he arched his back, and his smile was wider throughout all of it. He was so relaxed, so focused on the task at hand. Two months ago, he would've never been able to enjoy being with Tyler this much. He certainly wouldn't have been capable of immediately pushing Tyler onto his back after he finished, crawling down between Tyler's legs without hesitation to return the favour.

This was so much better than how they'd been before. They were happier, more comfortable being vulnerable with each other and setting boundaries. There wasn't a single thing Tyler wouldn't do to help Josh stay on this path to recovery. If that meant admitting that he didn't know how to help and going to NA with Josh to learn how, he'd do it. If that meant getting himself help for a problem he didn't really have to ease some of the stress in Josh's life, he'd do it. He'd do anything and everything to help Josh remain happy, sober, and healthy.