***Trigger warnings for mentions of abuse, mentions of drug use, mentions of eating disorders, mentions of PTSD, and mentions of overdose.***

Start the song. It's On the Floor by Seahaven.

Tyler didn't realize how long Josh had let him sleep until he woke up to his phone buzzing furiously across the room. It was dark in Josh's bedroom, and the alarm clock on the dresser said that it was three in the morning. Josh's side of the bed was empty, the blankets pushed down sloppily like Josh had left the bed in a hurry.

After climbing out of bed tentatively, Tyler stepped over the illuminated pocket of his overalls and left Josh's bedroom. It was habit to assume that Josh wasn't safe if he wasn't in bed, but it only took a second for him to find out that that wasn't the case today.

Josh was sitting on the floor beside the couch where Jordan was lying in a makeshift bed, clearly coming down from a panic attack of some kind. There was no panic on Josh's face though. His expression was one that Tyler knew well. He was in big brother mode. He was comforting and protecting Jordan, not at all concerned about himself as he soothed his fingers through Jordan's curls and listened to his little brother hiccup out occasional sobs.

"It was just a dream," Josh whispered gently to Jordan, brushing his hair off of his forehead gently. "He can't hurt you. He's locked up right now, and even if he wasn't, I'd protect you. I'll always protect you. That's my job. You're my baby brother. It's my job to keep you safe, and I'm not putting that on the back burner anymore. I won't ever let him hurt you again. I promise."

Tyler silently sat down in the hallway, going unnoticed by Josh and Jordan and he tried not to think about how many conversations just like this one he'd shared with Zack. It felt like Jordan's tiny sobs were Zack's, and Tyler felt sick to his stomach.

"I hate him so much," Jordan sobbed out, coughing quietly from the force of it.

Josh nodded slightly, laying his head on the couch beside Jordan's. "I know. I do too. That's okay. You're allowed to hate him. Even if he's our dad, we don't have to love him. He's not a good guy. We don't have to make excuses for him."

"I'm sorry I never protected you," Jordan sobbed out, his eyes full of absolute agony as he turned his head to look at Josh. "He used to beat the shit out of you every day, and we all just hid in our room with the door closed and were relieved it wasn't us. We didn't try to protect you. We just let him hurt you and say horrible things to you. I'm so sorry, Josh. I'm so sorry."

Josh hushed his brother quietly when another harsh sob left Jordan's lips. He shook his head, stroking Jordan's hair tenderly again. "Hey, shhhh. It's okay. Shhh. It's okay. It wasn't your fault. I'd do it again and again if it meant he never hurt you, okay? I'm the one who told Ashley to get you and Abbie into our room and to hide you until he calmed down. I was bigger than you, Jordan. I could take it. He could've killed you if you tried to help me."

"You couldn't take it though," Jordan whimpered out. "We all thought you could take it, but then you started using because you couldn't. You had to be high to handle it. We did that to you. I did that to you."

Josh hushed Jordan again, shaking his head. "No, dude. Hey. Don't do that. My problems have nothing to do with you. You were just a little kid. It wasn't your responsibility to take care of me, just like it shouldn't have been my responsibility to take care of you guys. Dad fucked up. That's on him. The only person at fault for me getting knocked around was him. That was all him. The drugs are on me though. I saw what they did to him and used them anyway. That's not your fault. Do you understand that?"

Jordan nodded, whimpering quietly as he did so.

"Good," Josh guided quietly. "I need to hear you admit that out loud, and I think you need to hear yourself too. Can you tell both of us that it's not your fault I did drugs?"

Jordan sniffled before whispering, "It's not my fault you did drugs."

Tyler smiled slightly, and he saw the glint of Josh's teeth as he smiled too.

"Okay, good. Good! Now I want you to say that it's not your responsibility to take care of me," Josh told him carefully.

Jordan hesitated before whispering, "It's not my responsibility to take care of you."

"Awesome. Now I need you to say that Dad can't hurt you because your big brother is going to protect you," Josh prompted.

Jordan took a deep breath before repeating, "Dad can't hurt me because my big brother is going to protect me."

"That's right, so there's no need for nightmares. You're safe here. You'll always be safe around me from here on out. Got it?" Josh promised warmly.

Tyler stood quietly, retreating back into Josh's room. He took his phone out of the pocket of his overalls before climbing back into Josh's bed. He had over a hundred messages from Brendon, each more frantic than the last. After a moment of deliberation, Tyler called Brendon. He answered almost instantly.

"Ty? Are you okay? Where are you? Are you hurt? I'll come get you. Where are you?" Brendon rambled out fearfully before Tyler could even get a word out.

"I'm safe," Tyler promised in a whisper. "Today was...a lot, but I'm safe. I'll come home tomorrow before class and tell you everything, okay?"

"Are you with him?" Brendon's voice was hesitant, alert.

Tyler shook his head although Brendon couldn't see him. "No. He's not going to bother me anymore, I don't think. I'm completely safe right now."

He heard Brendon let out a breath of relief before asking, "Then why are you whispering?"

Tyler hesitated before replying, "It's three in the morning. Whispering is the only legal way to communicate at this hour."

He heard Brendon let out a chuckle. "Fine. I'll see you in the morning. Sarah wants to take a stab at fixing your overalls."

"Tell her I appreciate that, but they're already fixed. They don't even look like they were ever ripped. It's amazing," Tyler replied honestly, smiling as he spoke.

"Really? How'd you manage that?" Brendon asked, awestruck.

Tyler watched as a very exhausted Josh came back into the room, looking worriedly at Tyler before climbing back into bed beside him. A smile tugged at Tyler's lips when Josh's first instinct was to wrap an arm around Tyler's waist and pull him in close to press a protective kiss to his shoulder. Tyler's muscles relaxed as he allowed Josh to be the big spoon. He felt safe like this.

"I know a guy. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you," Tyler whispered into the phone before ending the call and setting the phone down on the floor.

"Everything okay?" Josh asked quietly, allowing Tyler to tangle their fingers together as he spoke.

"Yeah. Brendon was just afraid I'd been murdered. It's all good," Tyler replied. "Is everything okay with you?"

"Yeah. Jordan gets nightmares about our dad sometimes. He just needs me to talk him back to sleep, and then he's okay. He's good now," Josh explained.

Tyler hesitated before saying, "I haven't really slept since you left, but now that you're here, it's hard to stay awake."

"Don't fight it then. Get some sleep. Your body's healing itself. You need rest to do that," Josh replied softly, his thumb rubbing Tyler's lazily. He sighed before confessing, "It kind of pisses me off how easy everything feels with you right now. Like, it's so easy for me to hold you and talk to you and sleep next to you. It all comes so naturally. I love all of it so much, so I already know it's going hurt like a bitch when everything goes back to normal tomorrow."

"I know the feeling," Tyler admitted.

Josh sighed again. "I've been going to NA again, and my sponsor keeps telling me not to get into a new relationship too early into my recovery. I think that made it feel logical to get back into an old relationship instead. It felt like a loophole, but that only made things worse."

"Am I allowed to ask how it made things worse?" Tyler inquired tentatively.

The other man chuckled bitterly. "I found Ashley's dope hidden under a couch cushion. It took everything in me to give it to Debby instead of shooting up while the girls were asleep. We broke up pretty much right then. It's weird. I thought I'd miss them, but I just feel more focused."

"That's really good, Josh," Tyler assured him. "I'm really proud of you for not relapsing then."

Josh squeezed Tyler's hand lightly. "Thanks."

"Can I tell you a secret?" Tyler asked quietly.

"Yeah, sure," Josh agreed easily.

Tyler smiled slightly, already knowing how stupid his confession would sound. "I tried to start smoking after you left since it's supposed to be calming or whatever, but it was so awful. It made me throw up, and I couldn't do it without coughing. I think I somehow managed to not do it right or something, but I don't think I could ever be a smoker."

Warmth washed over Tyler when Josh laughed. "Yeah, it takes some getting used to. I think you should probably stick to something that won't shorten your lifespan though. The world would fall apart without you in it. You've gotta stick around."

Tyler smiled, melting when Josh pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck. "I still love the smell of cigarettes though. I'm not sure why, but it's my favourite smell."

"That's just your trailer trash roots showing through," Josh teased, making Tyler laugh.

"Yeah, or maybe it's because all my favourite people smoke," Tyler pointed out.

"Even your parents?" Josh asked curiously.

"Especially my parents," Tyler laughed out. "My mom once told me that the reason I'm so skinny is because she smoked while she was pregnant with me."

Josh snorted. "Well, tell her she can rest easy knowing that it's actually because you just constantly forget to feed yourself."

"I really do," Tyler agreed.

"Poor baby," Josh sympathized. "I'll feed you breakfast in the morning. I promise."

"Always a gentleman," Tyler murmured, making Josh chuckle.

"Right. That's me," Josh chuckled out. "Gentlemen regularly abandon the people they love in favour of getting high, right?"

Tyler was surprised that the joke made him smile slightly. "Every prince is entitled to have a frog or beast phase."

"Can I get your sources on that, college boy?" Josh asked amusedly.

Tyler grinned. "It was either in the Constitution or the Bible. I forget which."

Josh laughed, burying his face between Tyler's shoulder blades to muffle the sound. Tyler's cheek muscles ached from smiling so widely. He rolled over in Josh's arms, allowing his nose to touch Josh's as he beamed at him. He didn't speak though, lifting Josh's chin slightly before tucking his face against Josh's throat, letting his eyelids slip shut as he breathed him in. He couldn't forget this night-couldn't let it slip between his fingers and disappear. He needed to remember every detail of being loved by Josh, right down to the way he smelled when he held Tyler close. He smiled when he heard Josh inhale too, breathing in he scent of Tyler's hair.

"Not fair. You used my shampoo and stuff. Now you smell like me instead of you," Josh mumbled, making Tyler giggle.

Josh was grinning when Tyler shifted their position so Josh could breathe in against Tyler's throat instead. Tyler ran his fingers through Josh's hair, closing his eyes when he felt Josh press a gentle kiss to his neck. One kiss turned to two, and two turned into four, and four turned into Josh whispering, "I might not have the self control to stop kissing you right now."

"Do you want to have the self control to stop kissing me?" Tyler asked carefully, his heartbeat halting to allow him to listen anxiously for Josh's response.

"I should," Josh whispered, punctuating the words with another kiss to Tyler's throat. "I should want to have boundaries or something, but-" kiss "I don't."

"Am I an addiction for you?" Tyler asked worriedly.

He wasn't sure if he should be relieved or not when Josh chuckled, detaching himself from Tyler to lie beside him. Josh smiled at Tyler before replying, "No. I'm just in love with you. It makes my brain foggy."

"Good foggy or bad foggy?" Tyler pressed uncertainly.

"Depends," Josh decided after a moment. "When you're lying next to me and I can pretend for a second that I'm good for you? Good foggy. It's like...ecstasy. Ecstasy the emotion and ecstasy the drug. When I think about how selfish it would be to stay in your life when I can't bring anything constructive to it at the moment? Bad foggy. That's like a bad acid trip or.... It feels like overdosing on heroin. At first, everything is amazing, and then I start to feel my organs shutting down, and everything goes black."

Tyler was quiet, studying Josh's eyes carefully. "You make things foggy for me too," he replied in a whisper. "Fog can be kind of beautiful. I like gloomy weather. It's peaceful."

"Maybe you should go somewhere with lots of rain and fog when you finish up here," Josh suggested, smiling a bit sadly. "Like...fucking...Maine or something."

A slightly smile tugged at Tyler's lips. "I don't know anyone in Maine."

"You're a very lovable person. You'll make friends really quickly," Josh assured him confidently. "Or you could always get a cat."

Tyler laughed. "I wouldn't want a cat if you weren't there to help me with it. I have no fucking clue how to keep a cat alive. I barely even remember to feed myself."

Quiet settled over them for a moment before Josh asked, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Of course," Tyler replied easily.

"You forgetting to eat.... You are forgetting, right? This isn't a coping thing for you? You aren't starving yourself on purpose?" Josh asked carefully, his eyes full of comfort and warmth as they searched Tyler's expression.

"I don't have an eating disorder," Tyler assured Josh honestly. He hesitated before saying, "I do have depression though. Lack of appetite is a symptom. It's not so much that I forget to eat. It's that I don't have any appetite, or at least not one that I can detect on my own. Sometimes people mention food around me, and I realize I'm starving. I just don't always think about it."

Josh nodded, finding Tyler's hand under the blankets and locking their fingers together. "How long?" He asked simply, his tone still coated in forgiveness and understanding.

"Since Zack," Tyler replied quietly. "I lost thirty pounds in a couple months after he died. I just...couldn't eat. I've gotten a bit better. Progress just isn't a straight line, you know? Grief never heals all the way. It's always more of a scab than a scar, you know?"

Josh nodded, but he didn't try to explain to Tyler that he understood the feeling or that he'd been through something similar. He was just a silent comfort, holding Tyler's hand safely in his.

"I don't really go home anymore either. It's not that I don't love my parents, but they still live in the house Zack died in. I get sick whenever I even look at it. My mom ripped out all of the bathroom tiles and replaced them over the summer so I'd come visit, but I still couldn't. It's not...I couldn't," Tyler whispered.

At first, Tyler didn't think Josh was going to say anything, but then he whispered, "I can't even drive past Debby's dad's house. I didn't go back to get my car until I absolutely had to because my whole body hurt and I felt like I was going to pass out whenever I thought about it. My mom said that's really common when you experience something traumatic. Your body remembers all of it, even if you don't."

Tyler nodded slightly. "It's post-traumatic stress. I think you probably have a lot of that. It's common when you come from an abusive household. It's easier to manage if you're intoxicated. Then you're numb. It doesn't solve anything, but at least you can't feel it anymore."

"You never did drugs, and you've been through trauma," Josh reminded Tyler, resting his head of thick purple curls atop Tyler's shoulder.

"No," Tyler concurred. "I never did drugs, but I did start dating guys who beat the shit out of me and made me feel like shit so I felt like there was still a reason for me to feel sick and afraid all the time. That counts as self harm too, I think."

Once again, they were quiet. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh though, holding him gently against his chest and sliding his fingers through those soft purple curls. He heard Josh sigh quietly.

"I broke Debby's arm once," Josh whispered so quietly that Tyler barely heard it. "We used to beat the shit out of each constantly, and I didn't care back then if I hurt her. The night I left, before you found me, she hit me, so I slammed her against a wall and held her there while I yelled at her. I never physically hurt you, I don't think, but I'm more than capable of it. I've done it. I was high for most of it, but that isn't an excuse. I was still me. Every time I hit her, that was me. I did that."

Tyler's heart sank in his chest. Maybe that shouldn't have surprised him, but it did. He couldn't picture Josh like that. His Josh was soft and loving. His Josh didn't use his fists for anything but holding Tyler's hand safe and sound. He couldn't imagine his Josh breaking Debby's bones.

"Why did you do it?" Tyler asked hesitantly. "Why did you decide to take your anger out on someone who loved you?"

"I honestly don't know," Josh replied quietly, but Tyler could feel that he was beginning to tremble. "I don't think I consciously decided it. I think I was just angry, and she was there, and I knew she'd fight back. I needed her to fight back. I needed to know that...that I was hurting someone who would try to hurt me too. Then at least it would feel like I was winning something."

"Did she ever hit you first?" Tyler asked, realizing that he was trembling too.

Josh nodded against Tyler's shoulder. "Before Ashley, all we did was get high and beat the shit out of each other. That was it."

"Why did the abuse stop when Ashley got there?" Tyler asked curiously.

"We were sober," Josh replied simply. After a moment he decided, "You should get some sleep. You have class in the morning."

Tyler sat up quickly when Josh left the bed. "Where are you going?" He asked anxiously.

"To smoke," Josh replied simply, digging through the top drawer of his dresser before producing a carton of cigarettes. "I'll be back in a minute. Goodnight, Ty."

"Promise you'll come back?" Tyler asked fearfully.

"Give me ten minutes," Josh replied.

"And you'll come back sober?"

Josh seemed surprised by that question, but he registered the terror on Tyler's face rather quickly. He sat down on the bed next to Tyler with his back against the pillows, sitting a cigarette between his lips and lighting it.

"I'll just stay in here. No worries. Just get some rest. I'm good," Josh told Tyler softly as he set the lighter and carton of cigarettes on the floor beside the bed.

Tyler nodded gratefully, shifting to press himself against Josh's side and rest his head against Josh's shoulder. Josh held him with the arm not holding his cigarette. The smell soothed Tyler just as much as Josh's presence, and it didn't take long for him to fall asleep. Despite the calm that had washed over him before, he dreamt about Zack's blue lips and pale cheeks.

He woke up a bit later to Josh kissing his forehead and telling him he was safe. The cigarette was gone, and they were lying down properly, still wrapped up in each other. That happened a few more times in the night, Tyler waking up from nightmares to Josh soothing him back to sleep. Josh was patient though. He remained gentle. He was so easy to fall in love with.