***Trigger warnings for drug use, mentions of past overdose, vague descriptions of sexual acts, suicidal thoughts, and mentions of past abuse.***

Start the song. It's Nancy from Now On by Father John Misty.

When Josh's mom left the hospital for the night, leaving him all alone, he checked himself out. He'd done this before. It was a habit. He knew that he was in no way healthy enough to leave the hospital, but this was what felt natural. If he didn't have Tyler or his mom or anyone else there to keep him sane, he needed to go somewhere where he could feel some semblance of control over his life.

Control was a strange concept for Josh. He was well aware that he wasn't really in control of himself when he was high, yet having the autonomy to make the choice to get loaded made him feel like he was in control. This time, he was also aware that he had the option to not get high at all, which would undoubtably give him more control. The issue with this option was that he wasn't sure if he could survive right now without something in his system to keep him going.

The main issue with wanting to get high was that he didn't have any money at the moment. He'd gotten drugs in the past when he was broke, but it always meant compromising his boundaries and doing things that disgusted him.

That was the case today as he sat on a stained concrete floor inside of a gross building downtown beside a stranger. He didn't know her at all, but he'd still just eaten her out so she'd give him drugs. She already looked absolutely out of it as she watched him cut the coke into lines with a razor. He snorted two of the lines through a rolled up dollar bill before handing it to her and watching her do the same.

His nose was on fire, but in a comforting way. He smiled as his head thumped back against the brick wall behind him. It would hit him soon, and then he'd feel okay again.

He looked at the girl when she tugged at the hospital bracelet still wrapped around his wrist. "OD?" She asked dazedly.

"A little one," he replied, making her laugh.

"Mmmm. They're all little ones until the last one," she said calmly. She sniffed, wiping at the white dust under her nose. "You look terrible."

Josh sighed. "I feel terrible. I won't in a minute though."

The girl smirked and closed her eyes as she began to sway slightly despite being in a sitting position. "Nope. Gonna feel really good soon."

When the high started, Josh's smile widened as his eyelids dropped shut too. "Fuck," he whispered blissfully.

The girl beside him let out a soft sigh and laid her head on his shoulder as her high hit. "I know, right?" She mumbled. Just when Josh's heart rate was starting to skyrocket, the girl lifted her head and said, "Wanna fuck me?"

There were at least a million reasons for Josh to tell her no. One, they were both too high to consent, but he was too high to think about that. Two, he didn't know her, but he'd already given her oral and gotten high with her. Three, he had a boyfriend, but Tyler was already on the brink of leaving him as it was. Four, he had no idea if she had diseases or anything, and he definitely didn't have a condom, but he was probably going to be dead soon anyway. Five, he was already doing something incredibly stupid, and did he really want to add another thing to that list?

Somehow, all of these reasons were overshadowed by the fact that Josh was too high to concentrate on anything but how badly he wanted to be inside of someone while he felt like this. The girl giggled when he simply shifted his jeans and boxers down and let her climb into his lap. They didn't kiss, and they didn't really even talk. They just fucked each other hard and fast. The drugs made them too rough, but it made them last longer too. By the time they'd both gotten off, there was blood in Josh's lap. He didn't know if it was his or hers, but he couldn't feel any pain, so he didn't care.

She pulled his pants back up before climbing off of his lap, clearly just as uninterested in finding the source of the blood. A giggle left her lips once again.

"We should go somewhere," she decided. "Somewhere with like...music."

"Okay," Josh agreed easily as he zipped and buttoned his jeans.

She pulled her underwear back on beneath her skirt before standing up, laughing when she swayed slightly. She clung to the sleeve of his hoodie as she took off running done the street, and Josh didn't really have to think about what he was doing as he ran with her.

Chunks of the night were already starting to disappear from Josh's damaged brain, but he didn't care. When he found himself sitting on the tank of a toilet in a public bathroom while loud electronic music shook the walls, he didn't care. He just laughed as he watched the girl cut more lines on the metal toilet paper dispenser. They both snorted them despite not needing any more. The girl giggled as she cut Josh's hospital bracelet off with a pocket knife before dropping it carelessly on the filthy bathroom floor.

"You know what? You deserve to have some fun after being in the hospital," she told him with a shit eating grin.

"Yeah. I was never really gonna live to twenty-seven anyways. I'm not the kinda person who can survive and be sober at the same time," Josh laughed out, too numb from the drugs to feel how much that statement should hurt him.

The girl snickered, pushing her dark hair back off of her face and grinning at Josh. "Fuck twenty-seven!" She yelled.

Josh laughed as he yelled it with her. They yelled it over and over until the words felt like they'd wrapped themselves around his throat too tightly to be removed, and then Josh was being pulled out of the bathroom and through the club.

Neither Josh nor the girl had much coordination left as they danced to music that seemed to run through every molecule of Josh's being. Coordination didn't matter though. Josh just wanted to have fun without feeling like he was weighing anyone down. He wanted to feel okay, and honestly, he felt great right now. Nothing could hurt him right now.

---

It was hard to tell which point in the night Josh had blacked out at. All he knew was that arms were holding him, bare skin was pressed against his, and he was crashing hard. Josh didn't care who was holding him right now so long as they didn't let go.

Depression, guilt, and anxiety washed over Josh in waves that seemed to slam against him so hard that it was useless to try to get back up again. When he buried his face against the chest of the person holding him, he was slightly surprised to feel soft breasts instead of Tyler's firm chest. He kept his eyes closed though, not willing to face the consequences of his quest for control just yet.

"Is he awake?" A voice asked.

A hand soothed through his hair gently, and he nearly shivered at the affection. The depression fogging up his brain was seemingly impenetrable, yet some part of him tried desperately to cling to the comfort being offered to him.

"I think he's getting there," another voice replied. A soft hand was placed against the side of his head. "He's burning up though."

"His body's trying to kill whatever he put into it," the first voice replied. "He's gonna have a hell of a time getting over that."

The bed shifted behind him as another person climbed into bed beside him. He was still tucked away against a soft chest, but he felt another press against his back as an arm draped across his waist. This one had a barrier of fabric covering it.

"Where did you even find him?" The second voice asked a bit worriedly.

"Passed out on the street. Some junkie was digging through his pockets, so I figured I'd bring him home," the first voice replied, and he felt fingers soothing through his hair. "I woke him up, and he did okay in the car, but as soon as he got here, he was just...." She trailed off.

"Needy?" The other one offered.

The first woman chuckled. "Yeah. That's probably a good way to describe it."

"He kept asking for you," the first voice said, and that was all it took for Josh's damaged brain to realize that the first voice belonged to Ashley, and the second belong to Debby. He was home again. He was back where he's started.

Josh blinked his heavy eyelids open, feeling sick for a great number of reasons. He didn't move away from the comfort of Debby's bare chest though. He needed that more than anything. He didn't move away from Ashley either. In fact, he did absolutely nothing to communicate to them that he was awake. He just stared numbly at the freckles on Debby's chest and tried to keep himself from thinking about Tyler, who had probably moved on to someone better by now anyway.

"Are we going to let him stay here then, or do you think he's going to want us to call Tyler or his mom or someone? That bitch from the street stole his phone, but you have Tyler's number, right? Maybe we should call him before Josh wakes up so he can come get him," Ashley suggested quietly.

Debby sighed. "I don't really think he'd be high again immediately after an overdose if he and Tyler were doing okay. Something had to have triggered him. I think our best bet is to hide whatever substances are in our house before he wakes up, and to let him decide what he wants to do when he does wake up. He just overdosed, Ashley. We can't kick him out unless we know he has somewhere else to go. He won't survive that. You know he won't."

Josh closed his eyes again, surprised to feel relief at the confirmation that he could at least stay here since Tyler wasn't going to want him back, and his mother was going to kill him for leaving the hospital without telling her. He felt Ashley kiss his shoulder softly.

"You can't pressure him to do whatever you want him to do, okay? It has to be his choice," Ashley told Debby firmly. "It's okay with me if he stays, but only if that's what he really wants to do. And if he does decide to stay, you're not going to be forcing him to shoot up, got it? Look at him. He can't take that anymore. His body probably could, but he can't."

"Okay," Debby replied quietly.

Ashley hesitated before adding, "And you need to stop letting him fuck you while he's high. He doesn't know what he's doing, and he's not your boyfriend anymore. You're taking advantage, and we all know it."

Debby remained silent, but Josh felt her chest stop moving beneath his cheek as she held her breath. When she let it out, she whispered, "I just want to take care of him. When he's like that, he doesn't know how to take care of himself. He can't sleep or eat or communicate or do anything, and he needs someone to take care of him."

"Maybe, but he doesn't need you to do that. He isn't your responsibility, and he doesn't want to be your responsibility," Ashley insisted, and Josh was grateful to hear those words coming from her. It almost felt like she was still his best friend when she said them.

Josh opened his eyes again as he heard Debby say, "I don't want him to die, Ashley."

Josh held his breath until he heard Ashley say, "Then you have to let him get better, princess."

That was when Josh decided to roll over, pressing his face against Ashley's chest and wrapping his arms around her as he tried to keep his breathing steady. She held him back tightly and rubbed his back.

"Hey, kid. Are you awake?" Ashley asked him gently.

He nodded against her chest. A sob was building in his chest, but he did his best to swallow it down.

"Do you want us to call Tyler?" Ashley offered compassionately. "Or your mom?"

Josh shook his head. "They don't want me anymore," Josh whispered against her chest, feeling his chest tighten as he realized how deeply he believed those words.

How could Tyler want Josh back after Josh had thrown his past abusive relationships in his face? Why would Tyler want someone who had blamed him for the abuse he'd endured just because he was too stupid to realize that was what he was saying? Why would Josh's mom want to put more time and effort into Josh after he'd repeatedly wasted every opportunity she'd ever given him? Josh was on his own now. He was all alone.

"Is there someone else we can call for you?" Ashley proceeded carefully, making sure he knew he didn't have to stay here if he didn't want to.

Josh thought about Hayley. She would most definitely welcome him back without hesitation, but he'd probably just keep putting her through this same situation until she ended up relapsing too. She was better off without him. Everyone was.

"No," Josh replied quietly, chewing at his bottom lip to keep from bursting into tears as he processed that.

"We've talked about it, and you can stay here if that's what you need. Do you want to stay here?" Ashley continued softly.

The dam broke then. Staying here would mean accepting that he'd never get better, but leaving would mean being forced to do all of this again without any help at all. Either way, he was fucked.

Both of the women in bed with him were suddenly holding him tightly, pressing kisses to his skin and promising him over and over again that he was going to be okay. He wasn't though. He was going to die. He'd been slowly killing himself for years, and that was all his life could ever be. He wasn't capable of anything more. This was it for him.

"I can't do this anymore," he sobbed out. "I want to get better, but I can't, and I'm out of options. I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna die."

"No," Debby protested. "You aren't going to die. We won't let you."

This time, Debby climbed out of bed. She was still naked, but it didn't really matter because she wasn't messing around with this. "Get up. Come on," she told him seriously.

Josh looked anxiously at Ashley, who kissed him softly before nudging him gently. "It's okay. Go on. I'll come with you."

Every molecule in Josh's body ached as he stood up on shaky legs and followed Debby to the bathroom. Ashley trailed behind them, wearing an old shirt and panties as she watched her girlfriend curiously.

"Sit in the tub," Debby told Josh, who was too surprised by her suddenly assertive demeanour to argue as he climbed into the empty bathtub. "Wait here."

Ashley remained faithfully beside Josh as they watched Debby leave the room. After a moment, Ashley held her hand out to Josh, letting him take it in his as he stared nervously at the bathroom door.

Understanding washed over Josh when Debby came back into the bathroom with a few changes of clothes, a pillow, blankets, and a loaf of bread. She was detoxing him the same way she'd been detoxed before she'd gotten clean. He blinked in utter shock as he listened to Debby tell him he could drink water from the tap and that they would only come in if he had a seizure or ran out of food. Ashley released his hand and got the tool box out from under the sink while Debby spoke, turning the doorknob around so they could lock him in.

Both of the girls kissed him and told him he could do this before they left the room and locked him in it. Josh stared at the door after they'd left. He couldn't believe it. After everything he'd been through, he was still being given another chance to get clean. He wasn't going to waste this one. This time, he was going to do it. He was going to get clean, and he was going to stay clean. He just couldn't believe he was getting clean here after he'd already convinced himself that there was no hope of getting better here. Finally, Josh was going to be able to truly have control over his own life. He just had to suffer a little longer first.