Start the song. It's Crack Baby by Mitski.
***Trigger warnings for a panic attack, mentions of past abuse, drug cravings, and withdrawals.***

The best thing about sleeping in the same bed as Tyler was that even if Josh couldn't sleep, he could still watch Tyler's eyelashes flutter against his cheeks and feel butterflies in his stomach whenever Tyler's arms tightened around his waist. Josh knew he'd been grumpy all night, and he felt bad, but he was also in love with how Tyler had taken it in stride. He'd understood, just like he always did.

Josh ran his fingers through Tyler's hair, smiling when he saw the corners of Tyler's lips twitch up in his sleep at the action. Even though Josh felt like complete shit, he felt like he had some measure of worth whenever he saw Tyler smile.

Those butterflies were swarming Josh now, making it almost difficult to breath as their tender wings pounded against his lungs mercilessly. He felt them in the pains shooting throughout his bones and searing through his nervous system. He felt them with every twitch of his limbs or reminder that the part of his brain that used to produce serotonin and dopamine was out of commission. Every inch of him ached, screaming for the nip of a needle or the burn of a powdered substance being inhaled like the oxygen he had to fight tooth and nail for as the pounding against his lungs grew more and more brutal.

Even though Josh knew every aspect of his thought pattern was illogical-that the pain was from the withdrawals and not falling in love too soon-a familiar panic gripped Josh's bruised lungs, squeezing out what little oxygen he'd been able to pull in before. He tried to be careful as he detangled himself from Tyler and climbed shakily out of bed. He couldn't breathe. His hands were shaking, and not just from the withdrawals.

He pulled his jeans on shakily before leaving the room and hurrying through the front door. It wasn't until Josh reached the curb outside that he allowed his knees to buckle and the panic attack to hit him full force. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed into them breathlessly.

It wasn't Tyler's job to be understanding. It wasn't his job to miss class and take care of Josh. It wasn't his job to carry Josh around just because he'd fucked up his brain chemistry and couldn't remember what happiness was supposed to feel like. It wasn't his job to brush Josh's teeth for him because he was nearly catatonic.

Josh used to wonder what the hell Debby was doing with him and why she was willing to throw her life away for him, but he knew now that she didn't have a life to throw away in the first place. Tyler had so much though. He was the only person in Oklahoma who had a chance. He was smart and kind and talented and hopeful. He was the only light in this place, and he was wasting it on a useless heroin addict who was only dragging him further away from his dreams.

"Fuck," Josh choked out weakly as he pulled at his hair in frustration.

The sun was just clawing its way up above the horizon, and Josh felt sick. How many more days was Tyler going to put up with this before he realized he deserved better? How many more days was Josh going to have to feel guilty about holding Tyler back before he got the balls to let go?

For a split second, Josh thought about calling Ashley. He thought about asking her for something that would make this pain and fear and guilt go away. Maybe if he fucked up one more time, Tyler would leave for good. Josh couldn't do that though. He had to get clean. He'd promised Tyler. He'd promised Hayley. He'd promised his mom. He'd promised Jordan. He'd promised himself.

Josh was just about to stand up and go call Hayley to come get him when he heard the screen door open. He froze, the shame of having had a complete breakdown settling over him as he watched Brendon come down the steps in his pajamas. The other man didn't react to the tears on Josh's cheeks or his swollen eyes at all as he sat down next to Josh on the curb. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and pulled one out, setting it between his lips and lighting it wordlessly. He took a drag off of it before holding it out to Josh.

He spoke calmly as the smoke poured out of his mouth. "I come out here when I have panic attacks too."

Josh's hand was shaking as he took the cigarette and set it between his lips, feeling grateful for the nicotine that burned its way through him, calming him just barely. Brendon didn't comment on Josh's shakiness. He just stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked up at the sky.

"Tyler comes out here when he panics too. It's hard to have a breakdown in a trailer. There isn't room for it," Brendon continued. "Has he told you about his panic attacks?"

Josh shook his head, feeling a small degree of comfort in the knowledge that this was another thing Tyler would understand. He held the cigarette back out to Brendon, who took it easily.

"Is he okay?" Josh asked shakily.

Brendon shrugged. "He's been through a lot in the past couple of years. He's handling it better than I would've, but it's still tough. Man, he doesn't even smoke. I don't know how he doesn't smoke with all the shit he's been through. He doesn't smoke or drink or sleep with strangers or do any of the normal stuff you're supposed to do when you're in your twenties and your life feels like it's ending. You know what he does do though?"

There was intensity in Brendon's eyes as he took another drag off of the cigarette. He was watching Josh like he was expecting something from him. All he got was a timid shake of Josh's head.

Brendon blew the smoke out toward the sky, looking up at it again. "He dates guys who treat him like shit. He dates guys who talk to him like he's stupid or pretend they're straight whenever they aren't in his bed or worse."

That sick feeling was back in Josh's stomach. "Worse?" His voice was so quiet and small that it scared him even more. He didn't take the cigarette when it was offered to him this time.

"Yeah," Brendon said after a pause, turning the cigarette over in his hand and staring at the burning embers. "Worse. The last one beat the shit out of him whenever I wasn't around to protect him. He was smart about it too. He never hit Tyler anywhere his clothes wouldn't cover so I wouldn't know. It went on for months before he got drunk one day and beat Tyler so bad I thought he was going to die. And you know what? Tyler told me not to worry about it. Sounds like him, doesn't it?"

Josh nodded slowly, feeling small and helpless. He was a part of a toxic pattern. Even if he would never hurt Tyler physically, he was still another shitty boyfriend to tag onto the list. Behind assholes, abusers, and manipulators, Josh's name was added onto the list with the word "addict" in all caps. He wasn't what those other guys were, but he was unpredictable enough to have the potential to be all three.

"Ty seems to be sure that you aren't like the other guys. Can you promise me you aren't?" Brendon asked Josh seriously.

Josh wanted to throw up. He wanted to tear his skin apart. He wanted to get so high he'd never have to come back down and face this. He couldn't though.

"I would never hurt him," Josh assured Brendon quietly. "He's my best friend. He got me out of a shitty situation, and there's no way in hell I'm putting him into one. He deserves to be safe and happy more than anyone else I know."

Brendon let out a small breath of relief before nodding. "Yeah. He does."

Josh nodded too, trying and failing to swallow the lump in his throat. "Brendon, you have to promise me that if I ever fuck up, you'll protect him. If I ever do anything, make sure he doesn't let me near him again. Don't let him make excuses for me if I ever....I can't imagine ever hurting him, but if I did-"

Brendon smiled. "I don't think you will, man. I think you really do love him. Do you?"

Without hesitation, Josh replied, "More than anything."

Once again, Brendon smiled. "Go inside and let him take care of you then. Tell him you had a panic attack and let him baby you. Trust me. All he wants is a guy who he can take care of that also takes care of him. Go."

Josh nodded, standing up shakily. "Thank you, Brendon."

Brendon shrugged, setting the cigarette between his lips before speaking around it. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Josh replied quietly before heading back inside.

Josh's whole body was shaking from both withdrawals and anxiety as he crawled back into bed next to Tyler. The younger man's eyes opened tiredly as Josh laid down next to him, instantly looking concerned.

"Hey. Everything okay?" He mumbled sleepily.

Josh took a deep breath. "I had a panic attack outside because I love you so fucking much, but you can do so much better. I'm scared about what will happen when you realize that."

Tyler eyebrows raised in sleepy surprise before drawing together in concern as he wrapped his arms around Josh and held him close. "I love you so much, and you're the best person I know. I'm not going anywhere. Don't be scared."

"You are going somewhere, Ty. You're going to college and to wherever your best job offer is, and I want you to do that so fucking badly. I want you to have a job you love and to do everything you've ever dreamed about, but I want to be there when you do it too. I want to have a cat and an apartment with you and to kiss you every morning before you go to work and to give you tattoos and to take care of you for a long long time," Josh rambled out honestly.

A sleepy smile tugged at Tyler's lips. "Really?"

The question seemed so stupid. Of course Josh wanted that. Tyler was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Why would he ever want to give him up?

"Hell yeah. And I want to do all of that stupid mushy stuff like hold onto your tie when I kiss you before work and have dinner on the table when you get home and go with you to all your stupid work parties even though we'll be the only sober ones there. I want to be your fucking trophy husband and all that shit. That's probably one of those things I shouldn't say this early in a relationship, but I don't even care. I want to be with you way after I turn twenty-seven, and I want you to be able to be proud of being with me."

Relief washed over Josh when Tyler kissed him deeply, pulling him closer. One of Tyler's hands came up to hold his cheek softly as the kiss deepened even further. Josh lost his fingers in Tyler's hair, feeling those butterflies bruise all of his internal organs. When the kiss broke, Tyler rested their foreheads together and kept Josh close.

"I don't know if you can have time to be my trophy husband while you're running a tattoo shop, but we'll see," Tyler whispered to Josh through a smile.

Josh laughed quietly, kissing Tyler's lips softly before smiling at him. "I don't deserve you."

"You do," Tyler assured him easily as his fingertips trailed softly along Josh's spine. "I'm really proud that you're my boyfriend. You're so strong and so brave and so sweet to me. I've never met anyone as easy to love as you."

Maybe it should've embarrassed Josh that tears prickled in his eyes at the words, but it didn't. He just closed his eyes and soothed his fingers through Tyler's hair, keeping their foreheads pressed together. The butterflies inside of him weren't hurting him anymore now that Tyler was awake to keep them in line. They just softly caressed his internal organs and left featherlight kisses on the bruises they'd created.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," Josh whispered guiltily to Tyler, suddenly feeling exhausted now that he was sated enough to feel something other than panic.

He smiled when Tyler's lips brushed against his. "No worries. It's always nice to wake up next to you. I'm not too particular about the time."

Josh laughed, nuzzling his nose against Tyler's. "Do you have any idea how insane it is that someone as perfect as you exists? I can believe you're my boyfriend. You're crazy if you think I'm the best you can do."

The strong arms wrapped around Josh tightened their grip on him just barely, and Tyler shifted Josh so his head rested against his chest. The soft thumping of Tyler's heartbeat made the aching in Josh's body lessen slightly. He knew he'd be okay as long as Tyler was here.

"Close your eyes," Tyler murmured to him soothingly, massaging his back softly.

Josh's body relaxed as best as it could as his eyelids slipped shut. Tyler's hands were strong, and Josh felt safe when they were touching him. Even if Josh had broken himself down into pieces and left himself weak, his boyfriend was strong. He'd protect Josh.

"No more worrying tonight, okay? Just focus on taking deep breaths and let me take care of everything else. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you. I love you," Tyler reassured Josh softly, making him shiver with relief.

A weight fell off of Josh's shoulders as he allowed himself to surrender for the night and allow Tyler to carry him through until morning. He burrowed closer into Tyler's chest before starting to doze off.

"I love you too," he murmured tiredly. "So fucking much."

"Goodnight, baby," Tyler murmured back gently. His hands continued to ease the tension out of Josh's back. "I'll be here in the morning when you wake up. I'll keep you safe."

Josh held on loosely to the back of Tyler's shirt as he tried to give in to sleep. "Keep talking or sing or hum or something until I fall asleep please. I just wanna hear you."

It was a selfish request when Tyler needed to be up early for class, but the sound of his voice was making the pain and tension in Josh's body melt considerably. He felt safer with Tyler's gentle voice in his ears. Maybe it was odd that the man who wore overalls and colourful socks had become the protector in their relationship, but Josh was grateful that he wasn't the one having to pretend to be in control. He needed Tyler to coddle him for now. He needed to feel like he was constantly surrounded by support. Tyler gave him that willingly.

The tune Tyler hummed tiredly wasn't really a song. It was just a random collection of notes that his tired brain had provided him, but his voice made Josh relax anyways. He was inches from sleep within moments, and it only took a couple of minutes for him to fall asleep in Tyler's arms, feeling more loved than he'd ever felt with Debby.