Sitting in his office with a large cup of soda in one hand and a tray of snacks upon his desk, Alfred flipped through a book that contained everything his father had done in his attempt to solve the mystery of the missing Queen. From what he had written he had tried nearly everything he could do within his power, from consulting the Queens from other Kingdoms to researching the history of the Kingdom, up until the point where the Queen vanished from the Spade court.

After that talk with Arthur earlier on, Alfred decided that in his spare time he should at least investigate the reason behind the missing Queen himself and, should his reign end without a Queen, he could at least pass on his knowledge to the next King and hope he or she would get lucky. He had put his past resentful thoughts towards the Queen behind him, and even though he still thought his Kingdom was still ok without one, he should at least try to seek out the missing member of his court.

“So Philip the Troubled was the first King with no Queen,” mumbled Alfred as he went through the notes and slurped his drink. “He had a lot on his plate and had his guard carry out checks upon the citizens but no one bore the mark. He even enforced a law where every citizen was to be fully inspected.”

That law caused a bit of controversy, in fact his father was the one who abolished it after he became King.

“Next was Michael the Firm, tried using the power of King of Spades to find the Queen, but got nothing. Then Oscar the Mysterious who spent every single day in his study researching, hardly anyone saw the guy. Then my old man, George the Valiant, and he pretty much did what the rest of them did.”

As Alfred went through his father’s notes, he spotted something that caught his interest. A certain mark he had seen in his studies and had been warned about constantly by his tutors and even the other Kings.

“He actually asked a Joker?”

The Joker. No one knew exactly what their role was in this world but some believed that whilst the four Kingdoms and their courts maintained order, the Jokers were the ones who orchestrated discord. They weren’t a threat or a enemy to the four Kingdoms, they were just strange individuals who caused a little havoc here and there, possibly to cure their own boredom. Sometimes they aided the Kingdoms but other times they toyed with them, they never truly picked a side. There were only two of them, which was a relief apparently, one being a young man with scarlet eyes with silver white hair and the other was a child, though he acted older than he looked albeit his mischievous ways. The pair of them neither worked together or against each other, but they were aware of each other.

No one knew if they were ordinary people who eventually received the mark of the Joker, or if they had always been the Joker since the beginning of the Four Kingdoms, no one even knew where they lived or even if they dwelled in this existence. They seemed to come and go as they pleased but they did have some rules they followed, but no one knew what those rules were.

Any of the Kings could call forth a Joker for whatever reason, and they’d come no matter what. Nowadays the Kings usually consulted with their court before doing so, for it was either welcoming chaos into their court or some strange form of aid that may or may not prove beneficial, no one wanted to risk it. However as Alfred read the notes his curiosity began to grow.

“Jokers thrive on mischief and mayhem, they are neither friend or foe. A King may summon one at their own risk and the Joker can’t leave until the King is satisfied. They will answer any question for they know more about the world than any mortal, but will always give the answer in the form of a riddle.” Alfred sighed as he closed the book, downing the rest of his soda. “So ask a straight question and get a not so straight answer. Typical.”

Alfred had been warned over and over about the consequences of calling forth a Joker, that it wouldn’t do him any good... but what real harm could asking a question really do?

He stood up and and approached the door to his office, peering out to make sure no one was walking around close by before closing and locking the door. Yao was probably busy making appointments for him, so he needn’t worry about the Jack suddenly appearing. The last thing he needed was for Yao to walk in on him whilst conversing with a Joker, he’d throw a fit or something. Alfred even pulled the curtains closed just in case, switching on a lamp to get some light in his now dimly lit office.

Once he was certain he was alone, Alfred stood in the centre of his office, took a deep breath and placed his hand upon the mark upon his chest, hidden behind his clothes.

“Knock, knock.”

For a moment there was nothing but absolute silence until...

“Who’s there?”

Alfred looked over his shoulder to see a tall figure leaning against his desk, his red eyes staring straight at him and a mischievous grin spread across a pale face.

“The King of Spades,” answered Alfred, turning round to face the person.

The figure pushed himself up and casually strolled over to Alfred. “Well, well, once again a King from the Kingdom of Spades has requested my awesome self to come before them.” The Joker stopped and bowed before Alfred. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He had never physically seen a Joker before, but just like all the books had described them they looked practically human. This one was almost roughly his height, short silver hair and red eyes with a natural devilish grin. His clothes looked mismatched but at the same time they seemed to compliment each other, the mark of the Joker displayed upon his throat. He seemed to be full of himself, which was something Alfred could handle as long as he did it right.

“I have to say it’s been a while since my last visit,” said the Joker, “the Kingdom of Spades is looking fantastic. Love what you’ve done with the place, I mean it. Seriously though I’m not that well loved around here.”

Alfred tried to remain civil as he asked, “whys that then?”

The Joker made a “pffft” sound before he answered. “I got blamed for a plague that happened nearly a century ago. They had the gull to accuse me of some old killer cough? That ain’t my style, I would’ve made them laugh to death.” The Joker cackled away.

Alfred cleated his throat, not wanting the conversation to veer off the path he wanted. “I hear you Jokers know a lot of things,” said Alfred, planting his hands upon his hips to display his own confidence.

The Joker cackled. “Of course we do, we know more than anyone and no one.” He gave Alfred a wicked look and those red eyes of his seemed to glow. “So what do you want to know?”

Alfred thought about his next words carefully. “Ok then Joker-...”

“Call me Gilbert,” insisted the Joker, daring to reach over and pat Alfred upon the cheek, Alfred himself leaning slightly away from it. “Let’s be friends, hey? Don’t want to be boring and formal, right Al? Can I call you Al?”

He didn’t really like or want to be called that, but he was dealing with a Joker so he might as well humour him. “Whatever floats your boat,” he replied.

Gilbert giggled. “Aw see, we’re becoming best buddies already.” He then jogged back over to the desk and hopped his rear end onto it. Crossing his legs the Joker leaned back and continued to grin. “So what are you after Al? The time? The weather? The same question every King of Spades seems to ask of me lately?”

“They all asked the same question?” That surprised Alfred, he assumed that the Kings of the past would ask different questions.

“Well they phrased them all differently but it wasn’t pretty much the same thing so they all got the same answer,” mused Gilbert. “Why don’t I have a Queen? Why is there no Queen? How come my Kingdom doesn’t have a Queen? Seriously though, getting asked the same thing over and over can’t get boring real fast.”

Alfred wasn’t sure if the answer was recorded in the book but he was going to have to ask anyway. “What did you tell them?”

Gilbert sighed and leaned back so he ended up laying on the desk. “I told them the Kingdom doesn’t need a Queen. I had to tell them over and over, because they didn’t believe me at first, even though I’m a Joker and I can’t exactly lie. Honestly Kings can be so rude sometimes.”

That couldn’t be it. “That’s it? That was the answer?” Alfred was expecting more.

“I mean who needs a Queen anyway,” stated the Joker suddenly, “all they do is stand around and bark orders when the King isn’t around. You’re lucky Al, you don’t have to put up with any of that crap. Don’t get me wrong though, the current Queen of Clubs is a looker and such a fiery personality for someone living in such a cold place.”

Alfred had to keep on track and pry further. “Do you know why there is no Queen?”

“I do,” giggled Gilbert as he sat up, “it’s because the Kingdom didn’t want one.”

“What does that even mean?” snapped Alfred, these answers not satisfying him at all.

“What I just told you,” chortled Gilbert, now laying down on his front with his head resting upon his arms and his feet swaying in the air. “You Kings of the Spade Kingdom aren’t that bright, are you?”

Alfred had to process all of that, unsure what to make of any of it. The Kingdom of Spades doesn’t need a Queen because the Kingdom didn’t want one? How could that be? He knew that his people were used to not having one, but surely his subjects did indeed desire to have a Queen rule alongside their King. Did they view a Queen as something like an extra prop that they no longer wanted around? Also why did they not need one? If they didn’t need a Queen then why did the other Kingdoms have their Queens? These questions only extended the list of questions he had for the Joker.

“Say Al,” said Gilbert suddenly, who was now standing right behind the pondering King, “there is something you might be curious to know about. The other Kings didn’t even know about it.”

That piqued Alfred’s interest and he turned to face the Joker. “And what would that be?”

Gilbert made a grin that would put a shark to shame. “Do you know who Maria Somerset was?” he asked.

“She was the last Queen of Spades,” answered Alfred, wondering where this was going.

“A fair woman she was,” exclaimed Gilbert dramatically, “her hair was as dark as the night, her figure was the perfect shape and her bosom would make anyone fall to her feet, begging her for a kiss or even a glance from her chocolate coloured eyes.” Gilbert fluttered his eyelashes at Alfred, giving the King a cheeky wink. “Hmm, better yet, how about you be the judge?”

Before Alfred could ask what he meant, the Joker suddenly morphed into a very different shape right before his eyes. His hair grew long and dark, his eyes softened and changed colour. His lips became red and full and a beauty spot appeared near his perfect nose. Instead of his bizarre clothing he was now was dressed in a long blue gown with a low rise that showed off a very plump set of breasts. The Joker no longer stood before him but in his place was a very attractive woman.

“What do you think?” cackled the woman before him, her voice not so woman like. “I rock this body pretty well, no?”

Alfred didn’t even know what to say. “How did-...”

“I do that?” The woman grinned in a familiar way. “I’m a Joker, you silly King, I can change my looks like you change your underwear. It lets me have all sorts of fun when no one notices.”

Alfred should of guess that the Jokers had powers like shape shifting, it would had been nice to get a warning though. It was so strange to look at the Joker now that he bore the appearance of the last Queen of Spades. He was used to seeing in her pictures and paintings but now here she was, alive and standing before him even though he knew that she wasn’t real. Gilbert, now looking like a sultry woman, trotted over to him and pulled on his arm, Alfred blushing furiously as his arm was getting too close to those perky breasts.

“Check them out, they’re really soft,” teased Gilbert, now pressing his false body up against the King. “Every single part of me is a perfect copy,” he said with another wink whilst moving his body in a seductive manner.

Pulling himself away from the shapeshifter and carefully pushing him back, Alfred quickly recomposed himself and tried to get the conversation back on track. The Joker was clearly trying to confuse him and distract him from what he wanted to know, and he was doing it in a way that was way too wrong. There was just something about mimicking a dead woman that felt really sickening to Alfred.

“You said you were going to tell me something the other Kings didn’t know,” snapped Alfred, folding his arms and trying not to look at that ridiculously perfect chest. “Now tell me what it is.”

Through his feminine form, Gilbert continued to smile and cackle away. “You see my dear Al, this lovely lady you’re looking at didn’t have such a lovely death. It was quite gruesome.”

Now that was indeed interesting and might possibly have something to do with the mystery of the missing Queen. Hundreds of thoughts began to wander through Alfred’s mind as he wondered how the last Queen met her end. “So... she was murdered?”

“Nope,” replied Gilbert as he curled a finger around a strand of his dark hair.

“Had a accident then?” guessed Alfred.

“Nuh uh.”

“Caught a disease and became deathly ill?”

“Nada.”

“Then what?” snapped Alfred, seemingly forgetting who he was dealing with.

“Tell you what? I’ll give you a re-enactment,” declared Gilbert with a wink. He then began to walk around the room, his head stuck up high and moving his arms gracefully through the air. He was clearly having way too much fun with this. “One day, whilst walking with her handmaidens, this poor woman suddenly clutched her heart and she screamed like a banshee.” Gilbert mimicked everything he said, clutching his own chest. “Her smooth skin began to dry up and her perfect flesh began to rot, her silky hair turned white and her pristine teeth fell from her mouth. She looked like a corpse but she continued to scream until at last her heart stopped beating and her body shrivelled up until her bones snapped her insides liquified.” Gilbert glanced over, noticing how lost Alfred looked. “Hard to believe, right?”

“I’ll say,” murmured Alfred, trying to envision that graphic detail as well as wonder what could’ve caused such a gruesome death. “I can’t even imagine it.”

“Really?” Gilbert then slapped his own brow. “Well then I better give you a proper re-enactment!”

Before Alfred could ask, Gilbert let out a shrill ear shattering scream and clutched his chest with one hand whilst reaching towards the heavens with the other. With each passing second the scream grew louder and louder until Alfred was forced to cover his ears. Just as he was about to command the Joker to stop, his eyes widened in horror as the beautiful woman Gilbert had transformed into began to change. Her fingers began snapping and curling inwards, the nails dropping off and thick oozing dark blood dribbled from her hands. Her skin began to rip exposing the rotten flesh underneath, the stench was unbearable and large amounts of pus oozed from the open wounds. The scream became gargled but was still incredibly loud as her face began to sink, the eyes rolling into her head and rotting before Alfred’s own. That beautiful black hair turned grey and matted, large handfuls of it falling from her head along with some flesh, and for a second Alfred was convinced he saw her skull. Her bones snapped so loudly it made Alfred cringe, watching in horror as she lost her balance and fell over and a puddle of black blood spilled out from every single orifice on her body. She continued screaming and screaming until at last she fell silent and still.

When it was all over Alfred lowered his hands from his ears and took a cautionary step forward. The rotten corpse that laid upon the floor was completely still and Alfred dry heaved when the horrid stench filled his nostrils. Taking out a handkerchief and holding it over his nose and mouth, Alfred dared to take another step closer. It was a ghastly thing to look at. Only a second ago it was the body of a woman with unsurpassed beauty and now it looked like something from a horror movie. Things like this terrified him but he took another step closer and peered down at it. It didn’t even look like a person anymore, it was just skin and bones. Was this truly how the last Queen of Spades died?

Just as he was about to step back, the corpse suddenly snapped it’s neck and stared up at him with hollow eyes. “Pretty gruesome right?”

The shock of the corpse suddenly speaking in a sandpaper like voice made Alfred cry out in shock and he stumbled backwards, falling onto his ass. His heart was beating like mad as he watched the corpse stand back up.

“Too graphic?” Then the corpse vanished and in its place stood the Joker, laughing away as he stared down at the King. “I heard you were a afraid of ghouls and foul creatures, but I didn’t think I’d make you fall over in fright,” cackled Gilbert.

Alfred struggled to get his breathing under control and forced himself back up. He should’ve known that the Joker would play him for a fool, and he was done playing. “I didn’t call you so you can play your games,” he shouted. “I called you do you can give me answers.”

Gilbert ceases his laughter and stared at the King with a somewhat creepy looking smile. “I gave you answers Al, but you have been asking the wrong questions.” The Joker than began to slowly circle around Alfred, his eyes locked onto him. “The Kingdom doesn’t need a Queen. The Kingdom didn’t want one. You witnessed a death that no one knows about. I’ve given you all the answers but you don’t know what to do with them.” He then stopped directly in front of Alfred. “The problem is that you don’t really care about these answers... you want to know about that garden.”

Upon this made Alfred flinch. “You... know about that?”

“Of course I do,” replied Gilbert, wiping back his hair, “you visit a garden where you made an interesting friend, but no one believes you. I do because I know about it. There is nothing I don’t know about.”

Seeing this golden opportunity before him Alfred could not help but ask, “where am I going? I mean, why do I keep visiting this place? Where is it?”

Gilbert tutted and raised his finger. “Now, now,” he said, “all these questions have but one simple answer.”

Alfred held his breath as Gilbert spoke.

“You don’t go anywhere.”

Alfred blinked. “W-What?”

Gilbert merely shrugged. “That’s my answer. You don’t go anywhere.”

“I’m... obviously going somewhere,” argued Alfred, watching as Gilbert nodded in agreement, “So where am I going?”

“Like I said, you don’t going anywhere.”

This was getting him no where. “Well then... who is this Arthur guy I keep meeting?” demanded Alfred, hoping that would shed some light on the situation.

“A nobody,” replied the Joker. “A non existent nobody.”

“B-but this place, the garden and him... it is real, right?” Alfred’s head was hurting.

“It is.”

“But you just said... ARGH!” This didn’t make any sense. These weren’t answers, these were words meant to cause him confusion. The Joker knew about the garden, he hinted that he was aware of Arthur and that no one believed him. So what kind of answers were these? These weren’t answers, they were lies. He should’ve known that summoning the Joker was an absolute waste of time, all it did was give him a headache.

“Do you take me for a fool, dammit!” Alfred now really wanted to punch him. “You said you had the answer!”

Gilbert tutted again. “Or maybe you’re asking the wrong questions,” he stated sounding almost serious. “Besides, I’d be more concerned about that door if I were you.”

The door? The one from his dream? How did he know about that? Before he could even attempt to ask, somebody knocked at his office door and he heard Yao’s voice call out to him. He sounded worried, most likely from the scream Gilbert made when he was parading around as that corpse.

Alfred groaned as he really didn’t want Yao to see him with this Joker and he had enough of being treated like a fool. He glared Gilbert and said, “I’m done with you, now go away.”

Gilbert politely bowed with his signature grin and before he vanished he said one last thing. “You better deal with that door before it comes off it’s hinges. The poor little maiden is weary after keeping it locked for so long.”

Finding himself alone in his office, Alfred found that he was just as lost as he ever was and he didn’t know where to look for answers.

Notes:
I figured how else to summon a Joker than with a Knock Knock joke?