it was a strange dance between avoiding you and seeking you out, a line i walked so finely that i often ended up with one foot on either side. i was so hideous that i wasn't worthy of your eyes, and yet i needed you to know i existed.

and so began a desperate attempt to be better. to burn myself to the ground and claw my way out of my own ashes as someone new. someone i barely recognized. someone happy, someone smart, someone acceptable. someone who stood a chance of functioning on your level.

in attempting to be the reason for your smile, i lost mine.