{ Alex's POV }

I woke up with my head pounding, my clothes still on and ruffled around. I sat up looking around the empty room with a frown on my face.

"Mi?" I yelled worriedly. He was here yesterday right?

My heart thumped painfully.

What happened last night to make him leave??

I stood up quickly making me dizzy.

I groaned and held my spinning head.

I need more alcohol.

I made my way downstairs about to grab the bourbon when my mind went back to Miles telling me not to cure my hangovers with more alcohol.

I sighed and set the bourbon down grabbing some pills.

I grabbed water from the fridge, and took the pills, walking out and sitting on the couch.

I held me head in me hands, and closed my eyes.

Suddenly, a pain shot through my head, along with an image of me pressing Miles against the wall and... Kissing him roughly.

I only remember very little bits of last night.

I scrunched up my face and tugged at my hair roughly, desperately trying to remember what happened last night.

One memory was of Miles moaning... I ignored the warm feeling inside my stomach and in my cheeks.

I needed to remember more.

Suddenly flashes of Miles whimpering and tugging my hair as I kissed him flew through my head.

Oh god.

How drunk were we?

My cheeks flamed at just the thought of kissing Miles.

My head hurt from thinking so hard.

Maybe I should just call Miles and see if he remembers anything.

Okay.

Remember Alex.

Be subtle.

I picked up my phone and called him.

"Ello?" he said answering the phone.

My cheeks flushed at his voice.

"Aye Mi! Mate I remember like nothing from last night." I lied through my teeth, "Do you remember anything?"

After I asked the question, I heard seconds of silence.

He knew.

He remembered.

It was either that or he was just thinking back, trying to remember.

But with my brain, I knew Miles.

He would have at least made a thoughtful noise if he genuinely didn't know.

"No, I don't really." He said.

Lies.

Why was he lying to me?

Did he not enjoy it?

He seemed to have last night, and if I remember, he didn't even have that much to drink.

Another pain shot through me brain as I remembered one more thing.

I remembered throwing Miles on my bed, and climbing on top of him, feeling lust.

"Fuck..." I muttered.

"Al?" His voice sounded.

"Sorry. Got a headache, mate." I covered.

"Al, you better not use-" I cut him off, "I know, Miles! I didn't fucking drink to cure!" I snapped.

"Sorry..." His voice was small.

I closed my eyes, eyebrows knitting in frustration.

"I'm sorry for snapping. I'm just aching. I'll call you later." And with that, I hung up.

My mind was reeling.

Does he hate me?

Is he not attracted to me?

Why'd he kiss back?

My heartbeat got faster and my hands shook with nerves.

I can't take this, I can't take this!

"FUCK!" I screamed tugging badly at my hair pulling some out and falling into the couch.

Sobs wrenched through my throat and out my mouth as tears streamed down my cheek.

My heart hurt so bad.

He probably doesn't love me back.

"WHY DOES HE HATE ME?" I screamed.

My throat hurt.

My heart hurt.

Cigs...where are my cigs?

I found my pack on the floor and I picked it up, placing a stick between my lips and lighting it with shaky hands.

This should take care of the nerves.

No drinking.

You promised Miles no drinking.

Wait why the fuck does he matter anymore?

He doesn't love me.

I shouldn't care about his opinion.

I got up going to the kitchen and grabbing the vodka drinking it straight from the bottle.

That's better.

Something was telling me to stop, yet I wanted to go down the road of self destruction.

My mind was running at such a high speed that I didn't even know what to do.

I sucked in the cigarette smoke desperately, but it wasn't working.

The only sense that I had in me right now was to not throw the cig on the floor.

I smashed it in the ashtray violently.

I shook though I was trying to stay still.

I grabbed the vodka bottle, taking three deep swigs from it.

The burn mixed with how much I was taking in almost made me vomit.

I had to hold my breath until the burn went away.

I grabbed my phone, my last conscious thought was calling Miles again.

GOD, it felt so bitter sweet to hear his voice.

"Al? Are yer alright?" He asked.

"Fuck you." I growled lowly, taking another drink.

"What?" Miles replied.

"You're such a fucking ass Miles. You only think about yourself a-and you never stay at my house long enough to keep me happy a-and," whimpers escaped my throat and I dropped the phone on the floor more sobs escaping my throat.

"Al?! Alex?!" I could barely hear Miles from my phone on the floor.

I ignored it and curled up on the couch sobbing into my hands until I couldn't cry anymore.

Everything was deadly silent in the room.

There was no noise from my phone or from me.

The only sound I heard was my own heavy breathing.

There was a sudden knock on the door.

Don't answer it Alex.

Maybe it's someone important though...or maybe it's Miles.

I got up anyway despite my inner conflict and trudged towards the door.

I opened it to be met with the face of Miles.

He looked at my eyes only for a second before his worried gaze set on my tear stained cheeks.

He then looked at my messy hair, and then he leant to the side, looking at what I assumed was the empty vodka bottle by what he said next.

"You're drunk." He said, his face going sad.

"No, I'm not." I responded.

It's true.

I wasn't.

I'd cried every bit of alcohol out of my body just now.

I felt fully sober.

"You're gonna kill yourself, Al." He muttered.

With that, I slammed into him, hugging him close.

My face was buried in his neck.

I didn't say anything.

What could I say?

Miles stepped back a bit, trying to regain his balance I'm guessing, before arms wrapped around my body.

"It's okay Al. I'm here, I'm here." he murmured, running his hand through my matted hair.

I felt my tears soak into his shirt and my body shook.

I felt myself being lifted off the ground and carried inside.

My legs went around Miles' waist and I clung to him as if my life depended on it.

"Don't leave." I whispered.

I felt him smile against my shoulder as he carried me to my room.

"I wouldn't dream of it Al." he said placing me down on the bed.

I wrapped my legs tighter around him pulling him down with me and nuzzling into his body.

He wrapped his arms around me and I felt warm and calm.

I heard him sigh contently, as he slowly and softly ran his hand up and down my arm.

He started to hum softly, a tune I recognized to be his song Colour of The Trap.

He refused to tell me who it was about, but I respected that.

I had songs like that.

Though one of them was about him.

I decided to take a chance, and I tilted my head up a bit, placing a soft kiss on his neck.

He stopped humming.

After a hesitant second, he pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

I closed my eyes, getting closer to him by putting my forehead against the side of his neck.

"Are you okay, Al?" He asked.

I felt the vibration of his voice in his throat.

I debated between telling him the truth or hiding it to keep him from worrying.

Just as I was about to tell him nothing was wrong, my heart took over.

"No, I'm not okay." I whispered.

He frowned, "What's wrong, love?" he asked using a soft, mellow voice.

I felt my cheeks heat up, "I'm just sad Mi...just sad. Don't worry." I murmured.

I couldn't tell him I loved him.

It would tear our friendship apart.

"Mi, tell me the truth...do you remember anything from last night?" I asked.

He frowned. "I did tell you the truth. I don't remember-"

I cut him off, "Don't lie to me Miles Kane."

Miles went very silent.

"Yes." He whispered.

"How much do you remember?" I asked, gulping.

The silence continued for a few seconds.

"All of it." He finally responded.

I closed my eyes again.

"H-how much do you remember?" He stuttered out.

"Only parts." I admitted.

"Which parts?" He asked, his voice quivering.

He was scared.

Was this bad?

"D'you really want to know?" I said.

It made me think of my other bands song, "Do I wanna know?" Which was very appropriate for this situation right now.

"Kind of, yeah. I-I dunno." He said, sounding confused.

"Kind of, yeah or I dunno. Pick one." I said pulling away slightly.

He sighed, "Yeah I wanna know..."

My heart skipped a beat and my voice became shaky as I spoke, "I-I remember shoving you against the wall and kissing you, y-you moaning," I blushed and continued, "and I remember you whimpering and tugging my hair."

Miles was speechless.

I bit my lip trying to cover last night up with a few simple words.

"Look mate I'm sorry. I just sort of lost control I guess..." I murmured.

Miles didn't say anything.

"Mi?" I asked.

I sat up a bit, to look at his face.

His eyes were closed and a pained look took over his features.

"Miles?" My voice cracked, and I cursed myself for letting it happen.

He opened his eyes.

They looked glossy.

"It's fine, Al." He said, voice in monotone.

He sounded lifeless.

I stared at him as he stared at the ceiling.

This was another one of those times when I wished that I could read his mind.

I wanted to kiss him.

I wanted to climb on top of him, straddle him, and kiss him while I told him that I loved him.

I wanted to see his smile, I wanted so desperately to hear that moan and those whimpers again.

But I couldn't.

I didn't know if he loves me in this way that I love him.

I didn't know anything at this point.

I reached for his hand and took it in my own for a second but he flinched and pulled his hand out.

It felt like someone stabbed my heart. Tears came to my eyes and I looked down.

"Mi...Mi don't be mad at me please I'm so sorry I'm so so sorry." I said letting soft cries out.

That must be why he's mad.

He doesn't love me.

He's not gay so now he's mad at me for taking advantage of him last night.

He made a grunting noise and suddenly his arms surrounded me.

"Stop, stop, stop fucking blaming yourself I'm not mad at you I'm just freaking out about last night." he murmured.

I snuggled into his embrace, clinging onto him tightly.

"You're not mad? I practically took advantage of you." I sobbed, taking in his scent.

"What the hell did I just say, Al? Stop. Of course I'm not mad, and you didn't take advantage of me." He said.

"Why are you freaking out then?" I asked.

I'd been so confused and emotional lately, I felt like I could never get a straight answer.

Miles stayed quiet.

"Mi, please answer me." I said, gripping the back of his shirt.

"I don't know how to, Al." He said.

"Can't you just.... Try?" I ask.

"Alex," he shook his head and I could feel him hug me closer.

I felt his lips touch my shoulder, before he lifted up his face, and began to speak slowly.

"We're best mates. We were drunk. It happens." He said.

He sounded pained but I don't know what that pain was from.

He also sounded on the verge of tears, but why?

Thats the only question in my head.

Why?

"Mi?" I whispered, "Are you okay?" I looked up at him.

He looked so sad.

His eyes were glossy and his face was red from unshed tears.

A few tears ran down his cheeks and I wiped them away kissing his cheek.

"Hey, hey, no crying. Don't turn into me you git." I let out a watery laugh.

He smiled a bit and murmured, "Thanks for being my best friend Al. You always know how to make me feel better." his arms wrapped around me.

"I love you, Al. You're such a great friend." he whispered.

Friend.

Great.

Friend.

My heart broke into a million pieces but I smiled.

I smiled and I hugged him.

I didn't want to be just a friend.

Just a great friend.

I wanted to be... I wanted to be a great boyfriend.

I hugged him tightly, letting out a chuckle.

"I love you too, Mi."

If only he knew.

Maybe I was being selfish.

But after a moment in the embrace I thought, if being his best mate, and being a good friend made him happy, then that's what I'd be.

But I'd always have that glimmer of hope in me.