I stare at the bare ceiling expect for the random splotches of mold growing which is probably due to some kind of water damage which is just something else that needs to get fixed, some other bill. I feel like I'm suffocating from the overwhelming anxiety, it feels different than usual. I am no longer swimming in thick waters, I'm now just drowning when I know I can swim. 

Everything else has become a second priority, maybe even less. I let myself finally breathe in for a second and out for another. It shouldn't feel like a mundane task. It's breathing, something that's essential to me living yet I never knew how tiring it could be. How hard it was to take a breath and let it out. 

I look to my left and see that the side of the bed is empty. I try to smile but I know it doesn't show. I never felt this way about being alone before. I have never felt so happy with being alone, letting my thoughts swim around while I do nothing to stop them. It's not like I have medicine to take to get rid of them. I don't need them anyways. I'm just tired. I didn't get any sleep. How could I? His arms were wrapped around me while he slept, his bare skin pressed against mine. I shudder at the thought of it. 

Him whispering sweet nothings into my ear as if he didn't just emotional traumatize three kids and almost kill two only a few hours ago. His demeanor is always changing when he doesn't hear me respond to them. Instead he starts to berate me, telling me my flaws, my insecurities, the similarities in my mother and I, pulling my hair, slapping me, it doesn't matter how he does it, it always feels terrible. It only gets better when he gets himself back into the mood again. That's the only time where he doesn't speak to me, at least not for this night. He just lets the sounds of his grunts and the contact of skin slapping each other fill the room instead. I didn't make any noises, I'm not even sure if I was 100% there. I remember staring at the ceiling, waiting patiently. Waiting for him to grow tired. Waiting for him to give up. Waiting for the morning. Waiting for all of this to stop. But it doesn't. Of course it doesn't. Not until hours later at least.

I know he saw me staring at him while he prepared to leave. I know he knows that I know. But he didn't look at me once. He never looks at me in the eye after. He got up this morning only after sleeping a few hours away. He left the bed as if he was drunk, swaying and sluggish movements, but I know that he's sober. Almost as if he hasn't drunken a single thing in hours. I would know.  If he was drunk I would be able to smell it. No matter how much his room may reek of his foul scent, or the nauseating smell of rotten food, garbage, and drugs he left discarded on the floor, I can still tell the difference between the two. I guess that's the sad part about it all. He didn't say anything the whole time. Not even a remark of how I was watching him get dressed. He barely even gave me a glance to begin with. All he did was throw on his pants before going to his clothing dresser and pulling out a stack of money. Did I know? I did. Of course I knew. How could I not? He has enough money to pay the bills, he has enough to take care of the kids' financial needs, buy them food and clothing, maybe even decent water for the house. Yet he doesn't spend a single dollar on us, no. No, he spends it in clubs, bars, illegal drug deals. Sometimes it makes me think that maybe the guilt is getting to him, having the knowledge of what he does to children. So occasionally he would bring home a woman, maybe she's half his age, maybe my age, maybe less. He makes sure we're out the house whenever he does bring them home, so I can't verify what age. It's funny because no matter how much he might do to me, how much he might say, he would never bring home a man. Is it me? Does he hate me that much that I'm the only one to suffer? How is that fair? It doesn't matter anyways. He slammed the door on his way out.

I don't leave the bed until an hour later when I know for sure that he's gone.

When I do decide to finally sit up, it's not because I need to leave the bed. No, it's because I can feel as though something is crawling all over my skin and with this bed in this room there just might be. But it's different, everything aches now. It hurts again. I wince as I throw my legs over the bed's covers and stand up. I feel lightheaded and dizzy when I do. I want to drop to the floor from the sudden weight added to my legs, but I don't. I'm used to this. I look at the nightstand to see that he left me a note with some bathroom necessitates next to it. I can't say that I remember seeing him put this here.

"Freshen up. I don't want you reeking when I return."

He's coming back then? That must mean he's not going to a club tonight. I was sure he was going to return drunk or with a woman but no. He just left the house on his own accord. And for what, I won't know. I sigh before crumbling the note and throwing it in a pile of garbage in what I think is the trash. I take the soap and the rag he left behind before exiting his room. The floor is freezing as I walk on it, though everything is really cold honestly. Even the bed didn't supply enough warmth. I stop at the door and peak through in the boys' room to notice they're all asleep huddled on the floor buried by pillow and blankets, even Sumie is squished in there. I can't bring myself to smile.

I turn away from their room and walk towards mine. There isn't much left here since I moved a lot of my things to the dorms, there's just one or two spare outfits though they're a little outgrown and too thin for the changing seasons. I rarely wear them so Sumie sometimes uses them as practice material for her quirk so there's a bunch of random letters just sewn on in random places. I pick up an over sized flannel that's probably Mr. Akagi's but there is nothing else in this room that will serve a purpose.

I take the short but lengthy trudge to the bathroom. The first thing I see is the broken mirror from the time Mr. Akagi was delusional and punched it. He kept mumbling on and on about how if he didn't get rid of his reflections then soon they would kill him. He was high as hell, I know, but that didn't stop me from taking care of his injury and overall him that day. He was nicer. He tends to be when he thinks of himself as the enemy.

I drop the clothes to the floor and remove my sticky boxers. I throw it in the trash, not caring one bit on what happens to it. Slowly I step into the shower. Not giving the water a minute to even warm up. If I'm already cold then why should it matter? It's as if I can feel every drop touching the bruises and the outlines of scars. Everything hurts more now. The stinging on my thighs and hips, the slight pain I would get from breathing, everything. I look at the shower's floor, it's just the clear water, no blood, no nothing, until I see it. My eyes go wide and I quickly avert my eyes up at the ceiling instead. I can feels droplets roll down my face as I stare at the cracks and the spiderwebs in the corners of the walls. I wish I could say it was just the shower making my face wet. 

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When I left the house I did a few things, I made sure the kids were still sleeping, I made sure that I myself looked decent and alive, I made sure not to pass the library on my way there and back

I made sure to ignore all of Aiko's texts and calls. 

Overall the outing went great. I got all the things I needed, picked up all the items, and I even got enough time and money to buy something extra. I huff before opening the door to the house, struggling with the bags in my hands. Though when the door opens I see Haru sitting on the couch alone in his pajamas. I drop the bags over by the table and walk over to him.

"Have your siblings woken up as well?" I crouch down so he knows that I'm speaking to him. I sign what I said immediately after but he doesn't look at my hands. Doesn't even spare me a glance. He just continues to stare at the wall across from him. Not showing any interest or distaste towards it at all, his face is just neutral. I brush his hair our of the way to kiss his forehead before standing up properly. I don't confront him about why he isn't at least looking at me. He's still shaken up, I get it, they're all like that right now. It was difficult enough to calm them down after the events, but getting them to let me go to Mr. Akagi's room was a whole other ordeal. 

I walk up the stairs leaving Haru on the couch by himself, but not long after I take two steps he's right behind me, holding onto my shirt. I smile towards him and as usual he doesn't return it, but at least he looks up and acknowledges me this time. That makes me feel a whole lot better than a smile.

I open the door to the boys' room to see the twins, Sumie, and Koji laying on the floor. The spot that Haru was in is empty and is replaced by a Kai's stuffed bunny. I walk over to their little huddle pile and kneel next to Koji. I lightly shake his shoulder.

"Wake up, Koji. Today is a very special day." He eyes shoot open and he stares at me for a while before blinking. Blinking away the moment of fear in his eyes. It doesn't go back to normal, no, it goes back to his dull eyes. It's been like that since yesterday when Mr. Akagi slapped him. Even speaking to him in English wont get him out of this trance. I can't exactly be upset, they all have their own ways of coping and Koji's is just to shut down. I just wish that it didn't have to happen today.

He continues to look up at me and I kiss his forehead before smiling and shuffling towards the twins. I leave Sumie for last because I know she'll be very attached and it might be difficult to do everything else with her in my arms. I look back at Haru who stands by the door looking up the ceiling with no interest once again. I sigh before kissing the twins foreheads.

"Come on boys, it's time to wake up." I whisper next to their heads. They've always been light sleepers, I wouldn't be surprised if they were awake this whole time and just didn't want to get up. Toshi's eyes open first. It was calm at first until a few seconds later in which he springs up and looks to his left where his brother is snuggled up next to him. He calms at the sight of Kai and pokes the other's cheek which gets Kai to rub his eyes. I smile fondly at the sight and decide it's time to wake up Sumie. 

I lift her up from the middle of the pile of blankets and pillows. I rest her head on my shoulder and soon she starts to stir. She pushes back against me and looks at my face. After taking a few moments to observe she slowly wraps her arms around my neck and rests her head back on my shoulder. 

"Morning Sumie." I kiss her hair and begin rubbing her back lightly. The boys are standing up, their clothes hanging off of them from the odd positions in which they slept. 

"Lets go downstairs, he isn't here today." I pause as I watch them walk past Haru. What if he left on purpose? He said he knew about their information, so maybe he knew what today was. Maybe this is him saying sorry for yesterday, giving us today off. As Sumie holds on tighter I let the idea fade away. 

I go downstairs to see the boys sitting at the dining table, none of them daring to look at the couches. I already cleaned up any mess left behind, but I know it's pretty difficult to see anyways. They're just not used to it. They'll get used to it overtime. 

I adjust Sumie onto my hip while I grab the bags and place them on the table.

"Today is a very special day right?" I look at the kids and they don't try to show excitement. They're not trying to fake it like I am. They just don't want to be here. I get that. I don't either. I want to sleep, take a break. I push the thought away. It's not time for that anyways.

I look at Haru who sat down in the chair next to Koji. He's looking at the bag now, so I suppose he's actually showing interest to this. Sumie may be latched onto me, but I know she's paying attention to what I'm saying so I don't have to worry about her. Koji is looking at me too, as if I'm a teacher. He looks tired. I wish he wasn't. He was so excited before. Kai is resting his head on Toshi's shoulder. Toshi is the one that makes me want to cry the most. He holds his brother hand probably as tight as he can without hurting him. His neck is wrapped up from his scratching. It wasn't the worst cuts I've seen, but seeing it on a four-year old makes it the most difficult to wrap. 

I pull the items out the bag one by one slowly. I place two of them in front of Koji, one in the middle of the table, and I keep the other in my hand. I secure it before placing the cardboard crown on top of Koji's head.

"It's Koji's birthday!" I don't exactly yell it like I would've at U.A. especially not now since they probably won't like loud noises. They never did to begin with.

"Now Koji this is your first birthday with everybody, since last year was when you came to us. Who knows you might already be seven! But I still think it's special, right?"

He stares at the presents in front of him and the cupcake I placed on the table. He looks back up at me. 

"For me? All for me?" 

"Yeah Koji, all for you." He tears up a bit before his shaking hands reach for the bigger present box. He looks back at me and I nod in assurance that yes he can open the box.

He carefully opens the the gift wrapping. By now the kids actually seem interested. Toshi and Kai are leaning in from across the table, Haru is watching as Koji opens it, and Sumie took her head out of the crook of my neck to watch as well. When he finally opens it I can hear him gasp.

It's an action figure of Fat Gum in his regular form and a small key chain of him in his fluffy form. 

All he does as a reaction is whisper, "blonde". I suppose that means he loves it, Fat Gum is his favorite hero after all. 

I smile as Koji looks up from the figure to see Kai's curious eyes. He gives Kai the small key chain to hold in which his shaking hands reach for it and clutches it close to his chest. He then points out small features on the figure to his older brother who nods and smiles at each of them no matter how simple it was. Koji then passes the action figure to Haru who doesn't expect it at all. He stares at the figure in confusion before picking it up. 

Koji turns to the smaller present now. He takes a shorter time to open it this time. What's left is a case. He stares at it in confusion before I pick it up. I kneel next to his chair and let Sumie stand instead of holding her. 

"This Koji, is a case." I open it. "To hold your glasses." I take out the vibrant green rectangle glasses from the case. 

Koji is crying now. He's being silent, but there's tears rolling down his face. The amount of emotion he's showing is unreal. He looks sad honestly, but I know he's also happy. I feel a tear drop on my arm. I didn't expect myself to cry. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to him. I know that's not true, I'll continue seeing him weekly, he's still my little brother that I'll find the perfect parent for. 

I place the glasses on his face and I see him looking back and forth at my eyes before lunging at me in a hug. 

"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you so much." He cries into my shoulder and I hug him back just as tightly.

"You don't need to thank me Koji." He cries a little harder at that. 

Goodbye

Goodbye Koji

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I stare aimlessly at the wall in front of me while Mr. Akagi smokes. He always blows the smoke in my face and puts out the cigarette right by my thighs. I flinch every time he does that and I know he finds it hilarious since he keeps doing it. He's faced towards me, talking about nonsense but I'm not paying attention, if he wants me to answer he'll find a way like usual.

I feel the burning sensation of the cigarette bud presses into my outer thigh. I wince at the contact since he put it directly on top of an old burn. Not even fully healed, just one from previous minutes. 

"I said how is school going? Your grades?"

"Good." Single responses is best, though he hates them too. He hates anything I do, I can't control it anymore.

"Is that all? If you say good one more fucking time I'll throw you out." I know he won't. He can't throw me out like this while I'm vulnerable. It's too much of a risk for him. Plus he doesn't have the kids to bargain with. They're at the library with Aiko, they left as soon as they finished the cupcake I brought. When I brought them over to her I knew we looked pathetic. I knew she had an idea of what happened to us, it was so obvious. Our clothes, Toshi's bandages, the distant stares, the silence. The only reason why she didn't bombard me or the kids with questions of where we went and why we didn't come back last night is when I told her it was Koji's birthday. She gave me a pass for today, but she'll surely ask about it later. 

"How are the kids?" You know damn well how they are. They're traumatized, scared, anxious. At this point they don't even seem like their age, they seem older for going through so much in such little time. 

"Great." I continue to stare at the wall as the blanket falls off my shoulders from Mr. Akagi pushing it off. He trails his fingers along my back, tracing shapes, scratching. 

"I was thinking about finding some people to adopt them." He stops his movements.

"What?" I whip my head to his face to see him smirking. He gently drags his nails down my back before replying.

"Oh would you look at that? I knew they were your soft spot, yesterday could only prove so much. I hope you're still not upset about it, it was only to discipline you. Sometimes I have to be stern, that's just how parenting works."

"What are you gonna do?" I ignore everything he said.

"Nothing as of now. Though I do like having you all to myself, all alone. No kids, no problems." I didn't notice when he moved to sit behind me, but now he's moving his hands down my stomach as his chest presses against my back. I hang my head down low in defeat. This isn't your body Denki. It's his.

"I enjoy having the kids around, they brighten up the house, wouldn't you agree?" I watch as his hands travel lower and I hold my breath.

"No, I can't say that I do. To be honest I find them a nuisance."

"I'll take care of them! You won't have to see them if that's what you prefer. I'll get them out of the house whenever you want, I swear."

"What I'd prefer is for them to be out of my house by the upcoming year."

"B-but that's only three months away."

"That should be ample of enough time to find someone. They've been here for a year or so and that mute little shit has been here for two. I'm sick and tired of them and I want them out. If you don't find someone by then, then I will. Am I understood?" He reaches up to grab my chin to face him.

"No no, I understand. I'll do it. I should've never tried to disagree in the first place. I'm sorry, it won't happen again." 

"That's right Denki. You shouldn't be disagreeing with your dad, especially since he's just doing this all for you. You shouldn't be crying now, the fun is just starting."

I guess I will actually be saying goodbye and sooner than I thought, I just hope this won't be the last time I say it. 

Goodbye