A monster

I am a monster

A horrible horrible monster

and yet

I can't stop

It makes no sense, none at all

I should be disgusted with myself

I am disgusted by myself

Every single damn time I do it, I want to kill myself

I should kill myself, but I can't

If mom can do it then why can't I? Why was she able to do it and be happy? How come she got the life she wanted and I didn't and it should be her fault but it's not. It never is. It's been years, years of repetition. Years of wondering what I'm doing wrong, why am I even doing this it does nothing. I gain nothing, he surely doesn't.

It doesn't matter anymore, this is all pointless

God is there anything in this kitchen

The knocking continues. I almost forgot.

I grasp the sink and push myself off the floor. I look down at myself. Good I'm wearing clothes.

I stumble on my way to the door. Everything is blurry though it's my fault for not wearing my glasses. my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault my fault

"Mr. Kaminari, are you there?" The voice seems awfully familiar, but I can't remember why. Must be someone else, he's calling me Kaminari. I am not a Kaminari.

"W-who is it?" I open my door slightly. It wasn't locked, it's not like it ever is.

"It's Pro Hero Eraserhead. I'm sure you remember me?" I flinch back at the name. A Pro? In this side of the town, why?

"What are you doing here? I don't know why you came, but I paid my bills this month. You can't take me away for something that I did do." I try to close the door, but he stops it with his hand. My hands freeze on the stop and I slowly back away from the door.

"No I'm not here for you Mr. Kaminari. I'm here for a student of mine, your son." He opens the door, walks through, and closes it behind him.

"B-but son? N-no that can't be right because Haru he's homeschooled, maybe the twins b-but they go to the same place and the blond one, Sumie no she's a girl that would be daug-" I trip over my feet and fall on my bottom. When I look up again he looks evil. A demon right in front of me. Just towering over.

"Denki. Kaminari Denki."

"Denki? N-no why? He was... I thought he was with you? At the dorms." I look around the house instead of him. H-he's terrifying.

"Yes but he had ran away last night. No one has seen him since." He looks away for a moment. He's looking in the kitchen. "We assumed he would come back home." He lets out a frustrated sigh. My eyebrows furrow. They thought he would want to come home?

"Home? He wouldn't come back to this place. Why would he come back here? HE HATES IT HERE, HE HATES ME!" I yell at him. I can feel my breathing pick up. I want to go somewhere else.

"Kaminari-"

"That's not my name, I don't deserve it. So refrain from using it." I shakily get up from the ground. I hug my arms as I stare at the man in front of me from the corner of my eye.

He sighs, "Akagi I need you to comply with me here, now tell me where is your son?"

"Oh you lost him. He's lost and he's not even my own son. She'd kill me if she found out." I whisper. But without the kid in the way I'm sure she'd come back to you "stop that."

"Are you alright sir?" He steps closer. I watch his feet.

"no?" Yes "Yes, I meant yes I'm alright. You'll find her son right?" I walk away to the kitchen. I thought he'd leave me alone if I went here. I sit on the floor and rest my head against one of the cabinets.

"Yes we will, but not without your help. You're the only one with the possible knowledge of where he might be." Why does he keep saying I know where he is. I DON'T.

"But I DONT know where he might be, he doesn't talk to me." I close my eyes. When will he leave. I was doing alright before this. I was going to rest.

"I'm sure you know Akagi. Have you taken him anywhere new recently or familiar, possibly in the red light district?" I whip my head up.

"The what district?! No.. NO! That's not a place for someone like him. I haven't taken him to a place like that since he was little AND EVEN THEN it was because I had work. What are you trying to say here? He's not dead is he?!" I sit up on my knees. I look into the man's eyes, but it doesn't tell me anything. They're black, nothing as vibrant as theirs.

"Akagi I need you to calm down." He holds a hand up. "You're jumping to conclusions, Kaminari is not dead." But I can't hear him.

"Oh god oh god he's dead. He's gone. They're always dead!"

"Who's they?" He moves closer. I look at his feet again.

"I-I." There is no they? "kids.. The kids! Those kids are they alright? Oh how he'd skin me alive if they weren't. They mean everything to him." I bite my nail for a second. "Yes they're in the library aren't they? The one with that old man. A-and they can't get hurt okay? Denki is getting them adopted." I see him pull something out.

"Mr. Akagi what is your place to those children?"

"place... guardian? I am the foster parent aren't I? legally yes. Why are you asking me all these questions. I thought you were here for Denki, you SAID you were here for Denki, but he's not here. I told you that. yet you're still here, asking questions." I get up and move to the other side of the kitchen. I turn around quickly and rub my face. I take my hair tie out and out it on my wrist. I continue to bite my nail as I snap the tie around my wrists.

"Yes that's true, but I am still here because you know where he is."

"but BUT I DON'T. I don't. A-nd and I told you this so why are you still here." I hit my wrist on the edge of the counter and it shocks me. I switch hands and bite the nails on that one. I look up at him, those damn eyes, before grunting. "He's still here, why is he still here. I don't want him here."

"Akagi, I think it might be time to come a little clean." I look at him in confusion. "I'm going to need to bring you down to the station." what

"What. Why? I COMLPLIED. You told to comply and I complied. I did everything you asked, I answered EVERY question! Why why why why why am I going there? I don't want to go back there. Leave me alone." I slide to the floor. This is pointless, I knew it was pointless from the start. i'd always end up going back there and it's STUPID.

"Akagi we need to do more questionings and tests. And you know the reason why, you know it isn't because we can't find him."

"No NO I-i refuse. I am not doing that again. I'm not going through this all over again. I know your game, you Pros and cops. You're going to pretend to care and listen, but that's just a lie. You're just going to call me a LIAR AGAIN. Everything EVERYTHING that happened was said to just be a lie that I just made up huh? WELL NO. I WON'T DO IT AGAIN. IF I DON'T GO THEN IT CAN'T HAPPEN." 

"You don't have a choice here Fumihiro, you're under arrest." He bring his grey scarf to his arms. I look between him and the floor for a second.

"no." The shine of it catches my eye. I don't know why it's there, I honestly don't care. But I'm thankful for it. "Hahah AHAHAHA" I look at it before look back up at the shadow. His eyes widen when he realizes.

"shit." He rubs at his eyes and I take it as my chance. I lunge towards the fridge. I stick my hand under it before I reach the handle and pull it out. I just stare at it.

"Put the knife down Fumihiro. You don't want anyone to get hurt here right?" He takes a cautious step forward with his hands still in the scarf. 

I pause for a second before laughing up again. He looks at me confusingly and I find it hilarious. I slowly look at him with a wide grin on my face. I face the blade, with both hands, towards my neck. I can feel it poking at my skin. The sensation is amazing. He takes another step forward.

"Akagi, you want to see your son again right? You want to see him safe." Lies. They wont let me see him, not in a million years. 

"he's not my son. don't say that. i don't deserve it." I whisper to him. I've told him countless of times that he is not my son. We look nothing alike. He looks so much like her and her and herherherherherherherherher

"Fine okay. Her son. You want her to see him again. Bring him back to her right? Then help us." He's exhausted of me. Of course he is, but I am of him too. So I'll do us both a favor.

"She doesn't want to come back! SHE HASN'T COME BACK FOR ANY OF THE CALLS WE MAKE, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL MAKE HER COME BACK? Are you saying it's because it's him, she will come back for him, but not me..." it's always him. always him that drew attention. Him and his hair, those bug eyes, he's better. Of course he is. 

"Put the knife down." I want to give up and I can feel my hands trembling to do so. but what's the point anymore

"B-but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to live and hurt him. j-JUST LET ME KILL MYSELF AND MAKE HIM HAPPY FOR ONCE" I yell at him. "please" i plead

"You don't deserve to die." He stares me down. "You know he won't be happy unless he's freed from you by his own means. He deserves the truth, everyone should know how horrible you are." He holds the end of the knife's handle. "let go."

"But... but he won't like the attention of everyone knowing. He h-has anxiety ya know. It will- it'll skyrocket if you tell." I can feel my hands slipping away.

"You just don't want to be held accountable. You want him to fear you, fear the truth, and fear getting help." He throws the knife away from the both of us. "The easy way out is killing yourself. Letting him think for the rest of his life that he's to blame while you get to be peacefully dead. I won't let it happen."

"So you'll arrest me. I'll be sent to prison for a long time yeah?" He stands up and looks away. "Is it- can i talk to him.. whe-while i'm in there?" 

"If it was my choice, I'd never let you see him or the light of day ever again. But Denki has a kind heart, it's up to him and his new parents to make that decision. One of which you will not get an input in." He grunts.

I rise to my knees. "I think I'd go insane again. When he's here I don't hear the voices and I'm not forced to take anything. But if he's gone then I am. I'll hear them again. Hell, they'll never stop. I'd ha- I'd have to kill myself." I want  to kill myself. When I took the pills they just got louder and LOUDER. It's the easy way out yes, but it's my only hope of sanity.

"You're sick mentally. And because of you not getting treatment you put the lives of my student and his foster siblings in danger. I wont pity you, but I want to help you. More importantly my student and those kids will get the help and support they need, with or without your help."

"Can I at least tell him I'm sorry?" For everything? I wouldn't have the time.

"I don't think an apology will do anything now."

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I slam the door of the front of the house and walk down the porch steps. I hear it open and close again after me.

"Kaminari."

"You don't understand it, but I do and I needed money okay? I'm old enough to make my own decisions and this." I turn around and point to myself. "Would be one of those decisions." 

"No one is old enough to go through that, no one should go through that. Especially not you." What makes me so special? Why can't I just do something for others, for the kids , without other people judging me!

"Well I don't need a bodyguard I can handle things on my own."

"It is my job to protect people and previous experience I know you can't."

"I handled it when I was younger, what makes you say I can't again? Plus you didn't even know my dad that well when he was bartending. All you did was watch a small Denki for a few minutes before I was put in the staff room for the rest of the night. You don't even know anything about me."

"You were very young when it happened first. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you that day but I'm glad your father found out and took both of you out of there before anything else could've happened. I'm sure you blocked out some of the memories from that day, I wouldn't be surprised. And Kaminari though we didn't talk much, I did watch over you. I knew you didn't like any of your juices cold, you always made me keep them out before you came. And you hated when the dancers smothered you in hugs because you didn't want to be treated as a baby though you surely looked like one." He gives me a soft smile I don't return. This whole thing was pointless and a waste of time. I didn't earn any money but instead I got a lecture. I could've just stayed at school if I wanted that. 

"wow you know so much about me!" I say sarcastically. 

"Kaminari I know you're not going to like this, but I'm going to call your father. I think he's better suited for this situation, I'm no help at all." He reaches in his pocket for his phone and I panic. I've been avoiding my dad for some time now, who knows what he'll do when he gets a call that I'm here of all places. Last time he punched the boss square in the face when he hurt me."

"d-don't call him. you're right, entirely. this was so so dumb of me. i don't know why i came here. why did i even think it was a good idea?" I grasp my hair and tug on it. this is it. i'm finally going crazy.

"Kaminari breathe with me." He rests his hands on my shoulders and takes the hand that isn't in my hair and places it on his chest. "Follow my breathing, okay?" He lets me breathe for a second before speaking up again. "I can tell you're not fine, don't try to say you're not. I can call your father and have him pick you up. We don't have to explain the situation to him if you don't want to. Just promise me you wont try to do this again?"

"n-no it's fine. i'm fine. he's probably busy at this time anyways, i'll just take the train home. i promise i won't pull something like this again, i don't think i'd step in the red light district ever again, not of my own free will at least."I look up at him with a smile. I know I may not seem too convincing at times, but now is one of those moments where I just want to be alone. 

"Okay."

"T-thank you for letting me stay here for the night."

"Don't thank me, there's no need. Thank your father for helping you when you were younger, I'm glad you didn't get to experience something like that."

He was a loving father when I was younger. He gave me the world! If I dreamt of it, he gave it. I always saw him as a superhero for punching his boss in the face for me, and even more so when he adopted the kids from their terrible parents. I don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for him. I definitely wouldn't be if I stayed with my mother.

"yeah... he really is a great dad" 

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I'm pacing around the room as he stares at me. "A-and he was right there RIGHT THERE TOUYA!" I point to the chair Denki was sitting at that night. "And he was scared yeah? HE WAS SHAKING FOR GODSAKE! AND THOUGHT WE BETRAYED HIM, SO HE JUST GOT UP, TOOK HIS THINGS, AND LEFT. HE FUCKING LEFT TOUYA!" I pull at my hair before realizing. "Oh god it's my fault. wha-what if he's not here anymore. what if i kill-." I fell to my knees. I just want to curl up in my wings and forget everything. 

"Keigo, let's be rational here." He kneels in front of me and holds my face up. I can see his eyebrows furrowed in worry, but he just doesn't get it.

"rational? RATIONAL HOW? I JUST KILLED A TEENAGER WITH SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR AND YOU WANT ME TO BE REATIONAL? do you hear yourself right now?" I laugh as more tears run down my face. 

"You didn't kill him. He was just upset and wanted time alone, give him some time. I know what it's like to run away from home, he'll come back soon." He holds my face to his chest. 

"you weren't there touya. you didn't see his face when he realized." I grab his shirt and tighten my hands in balls in it.

"i'm a monster" I whisper and I cry into his chest.

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I don't know why I came here exactly. Of all places, I should've went somewhere else. 

But I knock on the door anyways despite it possibly being the worst decision I've made today. It swings open and the man looks around before looking down.

"K-Kaminari? Is that you?" Mr. Yamada was always easy to surprise, but I think I've really done it this time. He looks stressed, and I hope it isn't from my absence. But maybe it's from the fact that a student is in the teacher's quarters after school hours.

"Hi Mic-Sensei. I'm sorry I wasn't in class today, something came up I couldn't make it to school. But I wanted to hand in my homework from class." I shrug at the straps of my bookbag. Even if what Aizawa-Sensei told me that night is true, I wouldn't believe for a second that Mr. Yamada would willingly hurt me like that. He's always been my favorite because he cares. And I won't let anything change that.

"Oh! You could've handed this in another day really. I know you do my homework Kaminari, now for the other classes I can't say the same." He smiles and winks at me. That's why he's my favorite.

"Well you know how English is my favorite class." I smile back. A genuine smile.

"Oh you flatter me! But did you come here only to return some of your English work?" He raises an eyebrow. 

"No um.. I needed your help with something Yamada Sensei if that's not too much trouble for you?" He straightens himself after hearing my tone.

"I'll always help you Kaminari, no matter what it is." It reminds me of that time in the restaurant. He was dead set on helping the kids and I, I'm just hoping he'll still feel the same after a while.

"Then I-i have a question."

"Yes?"

"You're friends with Ms. Joke and Midnight-Sensei right?"

I've been spending too much time just thinking about myself. I've been selfish and careless. Acting on my own emotions instead of others. I don't plan on doing that anymore. I had a job I needed to do and I will do it. I'll put them first and me last. 

I'll help them until it kills me

Until I kill me