I was finally done with my essay 152 pages I had to add some paper to the back of the composition notebook but I don't think my teacher'll mind so. Ever since Johnny and Dally died but mainly Johnny because he was my best friend but anyways ever since they died I've been quiet as a mouse I've barely talked barely slept I just see no reason to the only thing that I still mostly do is eat because if I don't eat then Darry will get mad at me so I eat but not that much everybody thinks I'm depressed any reason I shouldn't be? I guess no one understands me. I just wish people would stop bugging me about it Two-Bit's always saying how I'm not the only one that feels sad about but he's Two-Bit so of course he's gonna make a joke and laugh right after so obviously I am the only one I'm the only one with the most pain I guess I feel like I should've been the one to die not Johnny, Johnny was so innocent and full of fear Dally was tough and full of anger "Ponyboy!" Darry yells I get from my desk and go into the living room and just stand there told you I was quiet "take the garbage out you know tomorrow's garbage day" I nodded and walked to the kitchen and tied the garbage bag and walked out to the front oh boy here comes Two-Bit and Steve their always trying to make me talk but I never do. "Hey its the quiet man" Two-Bit said patting me on the shoulder I just looked at him "still nothing to say huh?" Two-Bit asked I just went inside and walked to my room and shut the door I knew that if Steve was here Soda was soon to be here and when he does get here he's probably gonna try to get me to talk to I don't see what the big deal is about me being quiet I ain't depressed or at least I don't think so I walk to the bathroom and keep the door open so no one thinks I'm going to the bathroom and they need to. I look in the mirror to see what other people see me as like Two-Bit what does he see in me that he has to talk to me like I haven't talked in years "hey pony" Soda said going up to me and hugging me I hugged back lightly and he looked me in the eyes and said "can we talk?" I shrugged and walked to our room Soda shut the door behind him and said "look I know its hard to move on when you lose people but look at yourself just because you lost your best friend and a friend doesn't mean that you let yourself go and just be miserable really it doesn't you understand what I'm saying?" I just looked down and didn't say anything but I did understand what he was saying he wanted me to be me but I can't I'm in a slump I don't think anyone really knows me anymore especially not Cherry Valance I haven't seen her since the last time I went to the nightly double with Johnny and Dally. Johnny. I thought to myself then I sniffled and a tear rolled down my cheek "ah pony was I hard on you?" soda asked I didn't answer "I'm sorry" he said hugging me I just cried more and walked to the kitchen for some water I didn't care that I was crying "pony what's wrong?" Darry asked I just shook my head no and walked back "what's his probelm he still hasn't gotten over Johnny and Dally?" Steve asked Soda "mainly Johnny a little bit of Dally and no he hasn't" Soda said I drank my water in the dark on my bed all I could see was the light that was under my door from the living room. "Pony can you come here?" Two-Bit asked I calmed down and wiped my tears off my face wishing they would leave me alone I got up and walked out there my face was still a little wet "sit" he said I walked over to the couch and sat next to him "you know Mickey makes everyone happy" Two-Bit said I sat there quiet as ever watching tv it distracted me for a while until it went to commercial "did that help?" he asked I nodded "told you" he said throwing a pillow at steve "whatever" Steve said "anything I can do for you?" Two-Bit asked I looked at him then stood up and said "I'll be at the nightly double" then Two-Bit stood up and said "alright let's go" "no I mean alone" I said everyone was surprised that I had even talked and that I rejected a walking buddy "pony you need someone to watch after you" Darry said "I'm fine" I said quietly "Darry just let him go he'll be alright" Soda said "alright be back by 11" Darry said I walked to the nightly double freezing as ever just like I did with Dally and Johnny except they weren't by my side I climbed under the fence then I stood there for a second to help Johnny get under then I remembered. I walked to the same seats that we all three sat in that night I met Cherry I was sitting in the middle of two empty chairs that I wish were filled I wish that Dally could flirt with Cherry again and that Johnny would stick up for her I wish that I could say I was freezing and Johnny and Dally were there to tell me that I should've brought a jacket to many memories are here I was about to get up and leave when I told myself to stay because I have to realize I can't runaway from life. I stayed like ten more minutes then when I saw Cherry I got up and left I was walking home cold and scared that socs would come on the way home I sat on the fountain remembering when it was full of blood and that I breathed in water cause I thought there was no hope in getting out of the socs grasp I put my hand in the water and shivered at how cold it was it was ice cold. I walked over to where I puked after I saw that he was dead I started to cry that night everything happend too fast I started making my way home again thinking how its all my fault its my fault that I wasn't tough enough to take a hit its my fault for running out of the house its my fault for running into that church its all my fault. By then I started crying as hard as ever I had that worst headache from crying I felt that if I don't stop crying I'm gonna pass out so I calmed myself down my face was so cold from the tears drying I walked in and everyone looked at me I looked at the clock it said 10:00pm I still had an hour left but I didn't need an hour I already saw what I wanted to see ever since Soda ran out of the house and all that happened I haven't been out and around so much I walked to my room and fell asleep crying with a headache.