TRANSCRIPT

THE PEOPLE VS. MARIETTA WEISS

Prosecuting Attorney: Howard Blackwill, Esq.

Defense Attorney: Andrew Newberg, Esq.

Honorable Judge Francine M. Latin Presiding

THE COURT: Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated. I hope you all enjoyed your lunch break and stayed away from the cafeteria's infamous Tuna Surprise. The surprise being that it's really three-day-old Sea Bass.

(LAUGHTER)

THE COURT: We will be continuing with the cross-examination of Ms. Marietta Weiss. Ms. Weiss, I remind you that you are still under oath.

MS. WEISS: I understand, your Honor.

PROSECUTOR: Ms. Weiss, this is People's Exhibit No. 3. Do you recognize it?

MS. WEISS: Well, I sure as shortcake do. It's my AMC officially licensed signature edition Walking Dead sword with certificate of authenticity.

PROSECUTOR: Is this the weapon that you used to chop eight of your neighbors to bits?

DEFENSE: Objection, Your Honor! Inflammatory!

THE COURT: Overruled.

DEFENSE: Really? I thought I nailed that one.

THE COURT: Yes, really. The defendant may answer.

MS. WEISS: Did I use that sword to chop my neighbors to bits? You're blang-danged right I did! And I'd do it again in a lizard-leapin' second!

DEFENSE: Objection! I move that my client's answer be stricken from the record!

THE COURT: Because?

DEFENSE: It would really help.

THE COURT: Overruled.

PROSECUTOR: I'm a bit puzzled, Ms. Weiss. You proudly admit to carving up your neighbors, so why you are pleading not guilty?

MS. WEISS: Because they were flip-floppin' zombies, that's why!

PROSECUTOR: Now, Ms. Weiss, when you say that your neighbors were zombies — and please let the record show that I put sarcastic air quotes around the word "zombies" — what precisely do you mean by that?

MS. WEISS: Everyone knows what zombies are.

PROSECUTOR: I'm afraid I don't, Ms. Weiss.

MS. WEISS: Zombies. (HOLDS OUT ARMS) Rrrrrrr.

PROSECUTOR: So if someone holds out their arms and says, Grrrrrr they are zombies and you are entitled to kill them, Ms. Weiss?

MS. WEISS: Rrrrrrr.

PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?

MS. WEISS: You said, Grrrrr.

PROSECUTOR: Grrrrr. Rrrrr. What's the difference?

MS. WEISS: Dogs say, Grrrrr. Zombies say, Rrrrrrr.

PROSECUTOR: I see. And what do zombie dogs say?

(LAUGHTER)

DEFENSE: Objection! The prosecution is being a huge jerk-face!

THE COURT: (BANGS GAVEL) Order! Order!

PROSECUTOR: I'm sorry, your Honor. I couldn't resist. Ms. Weiss, I will ask you again. If someone holds out their arms and says Grrrrrr—

DEFENSE: Objection! The prosecution has already stipulated that zombies say Rrrrr, not Grrrrrr!

THE COURT: Sustained.

DEFENSE: Ha! Eat a dick, Howard!

THE COURT: Watch yourself, Counselor. And Mr. Blackwill, please use Grrrr when referring to alleged zombie noises from now on.

PROSECUTOR: You mean, Rrrrrr, your Honor?

THE COURT: That's what I said.

PROSECUTOR: You said, Grrrrr, your Honor.

THE COURT: Did I?

COURT STENOGRAPHER: You did, your Honor.

THE COURT: Apologies. I get confused sometimes. The downside of living in a state where marijuana is legal, I suppose.

(LAUGHTER)

THE COURT: Please use the term Rrrrr. You may continue with your cross, Counselor.

PROSECUTOR: Thank you, your Honor. So, if someone holds out their arms and says Rrrrr, is it appropriate to kill them, Ms. Weiss?

MS. WEISS: Of course not.

PROSECUTOR: So why did you kill them?

DEFENSE: Objection! Leading the witness!

THE COURT: Overruled.

DEFENSE: I am so bad at this!

MS. WEISS: I didn't kill them.

PROSECUTOR: You just admitted that you did.

MS. WEISS: That's not what I said, you deep-fried donut. I didn't kill them. I couldn't kill them. Because they were already dead!

(GASPS)

PROSECUTOR: What made you think they were already dead?

MS. WEISS: The way they were walking towards me.

PROSECUTOR: If they were dead, Ms. Weiss, why were they walking at all?

MS. WEISS: They weren't normal dead. They were un-dead.

PROSECUTOR: Which means what, exactly?

MS. WEISS: They're dead, but they are acting like they're alive.

PROSECUTOR: I see. How do you know they were acting alive and not actually alive, Ms. Weiss?

MS. WEISS: Well, first, you know. Rrrrrr.

PROSECUTOR: Yes. Rrrrrr. What else?

MS. WEISS: One of them had the skin torn off of her face. One of them had dangling intestines. And they were all taking these weird slow lurching steps, like they were wounded.

PROSECUTOR: Did you consider the possibility that they were wounded, Ms. Weiss? That they were coming to you for help?

DEFENSE: Objection! Calls for speculation!

THE COURT: Overruled.

DEFENSE: Will this nightmare never end?

THE COURT: Please answer the question, Ms. Weiss.

MS. WEISS: They weren't coming for help, you needle-bean! They were coming to eat my mother-fudgin' brains!

PROSECUTOR: How did you know that?

MS. WEISS: Because they're puffin-stuffin zombies, that's how!

PROSECUTOR: So let me get this straight. It is you sworn testimony that even though your neighbors were moving slowly, even though they were wounded, even though they made no specific threatening moves towards you, you felt you had no choice but to hack them to pieces with a sword?

DEFENSE: Objection!

THE COURT: To what?

DEFENSE: He's making my client look super-guilty!

THE COURT: That's his job, Counselor.

DEFENSE: I know, but why does he have to be such a douche about it?

PROSECUTOR: Ms. Weiss, did you have any personal animosity towards any of your victims?

MS. WEISS: No, sir.

PROSECUTOR: What about your neighbor Shiela Arnett?

MS. WEISS: What about her?

PROSECUTOR: You hated her, didn't you?

MS. WEISS: No.

PROSECUTOR: I see. Ms. Weiss, you gave an interview to a reporter named Aaron Rubicon, did you not?

MS. WEISS: I did.

PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, at this time I would like to introduce Mr. Rubicon's book into evidence as People's Exhibit No. 4.

THE COURT: You may proceed, Counselor.

PROSECUTOR: Ms. Weiss, in your interview, you stated that your obsession with a television show called The Walking Dead, quote, "cost me my neighbors, my job, my friends and even the so-called fans who voted to replace me as president of the Rocky Mountain Chapter," unquote.

DEFENSE: Objection! We have no reason to believe that the quote was accurate!

PROSECUTOR: Your Honor, Mr. Rubicon is the recipient of not one, not two, but three Pulitzer Prizes!

DEFENSE: Whoa! That's a lot of Pulitzer Prizes!

PROSECUTOR: And a Grammy for Best Gospel Performance.

DEFENSE: I withdraw my objection, Your Honor.

PROSECUTOR: Ms. Weiss, can you please read the highlighted passage for the jury?

MS. WEISS: (READING) "Rot in H-E-double-hockey-sticks Sheila Arnett."

(GASPS)

DEFENSE: Objection! Irrelevant!

THE COURT: How is that irrelevant, Counselor? The prosecution just offered a motive for the alleged crime.

DEFENSE: Why? Because she's a hockey fan? Is that a crime now? Because there are millions, well, dozens, of people who enjoy hockey! Are they all criminals? And please let the record show that I put sarcastic air quotes around the word criminals! Stings, doesn't it, Howard?

THE COURT: What on earth you talking about?

DEFENSE: H-E-double-hockey... Oh, I get it now. Sorry. I totally spaced. I think my Adderall is wearing off.

PROSECUTOR: May I continue, your Honor? Ms. Weiss, isn't it true that you knew full well that Sheila Arnett and her friends were not zombies! And that you brutally dismembered them as payback for ousting you from the Rocky Mountain Chapter of the Walking Dead fan club?

(SILENCE)

PROSECUTOR: Ms. Weiss, please answer the question. Ms. Weiss? Ms. Weiss?

MS. WEISS: Oh, you think you're such hot shiitaki, don't you, Mr. Prosecutor? With your ten-dollar words and your thousand-dollar suit—

PROSECUTOR: I got this at Men's Warehouse on clearance. A hundred-forty-nine.

MS. WEISS: —but when the zombies come for you — and they will come for you — your silver tongue won't save you. And the law won't save you, either. (TURNS TO JURY) And that goes for you chunks of cheese, too, sitting there all high and mighty, feeling safe and smug in your little jury box. You ding-dongs want to find me guilty? Fine. I hope you do!

DEFENSE: And my losing streak continues.

MS. WEISS: But guess what, jurors? I find you guilty, too! Guilty of being weak and naive! Guilty of putting your heads in the sand! And your sentence is to shriek in terror as you feel the zombies' teeth tearing into your fraggle-daggle flesh, ripping out your dadgum veins and cracking your lint-licking bones! And as your rassa-frassin life drains out and you feel yourself turning into one of them, the last thought you'll ever think will be, I should have listened to that mother-of-butter, Marietta!

(VERY LONG SILENCE)

PROSECUTOR: No more questions, your Honor.

DEFENSE: You are the worst client ever.