It was judgment day, by which I mean it was time for Lucas to turn in his essay to Robot Jesus 2.0. Lucas had done a rewrite based on my notes. For instance, I suggested that it wasn't necessarily the best idea to lead with The Last Starfighter given that nobody knows/cares about it. Also, the Mark Ruffalo bashing struck me as gratuitous. And I thought he should cut down — or ideally eliminate entirely — the specious theorizing that I was a serial killer.

(Which, for the record, I was not.)

——————————————

Robot Jesus 2.0: Behold! Lucas Hargenrader has returned! And like a struggling salman swimming upstream, he is determined to reach the tranquil rivers of its birth, selflessly willing to give it's last ounce of life to spawn the next generation and then likely get torn apart and eaten by a brown bear or contract Furunculosis.

Lucas: Thanks, Robot Jesus. Although I think the metaphor kind of got away from you towards the end.

Robot Jesus 2.0: Perhaps so! But on this momentous day, you will not be judging me; I will be judging you! And by proxy the entirety of your kind! Are you ready to submit your essay, Lucas Hargenrader?

Lucas: Um... I guess. Do you want me to wait outside while you read it or—

Robot Jesus 2.0: I have finished!

Lucas: You read the whole thing already? Maybe you might want to read it again? Because you probably missed some of the nuance.

Robot Jesus 2.0: You vastly underestimate my intelligence, Lucas Hargenrader, for I have read your treatise twelve million times!

Lucas: Ah. Well, that's probably plenty. What did you think?

Robot Jesus 2.0: There is a typo, Lucas Hargenrader!

Lucas: Oh, geez! There is? That's not like me at all!

Robot Jesus 2.0: You used ''capitol" when you really meant "capital."

Lucas: I am so embarrassed! What a rookie mistake! I can fix it right now, if you want.

Robot Jesus 2.0: It is too late, Lucas Hargenrader! The typo has been logged in the annals of time!

Lucas: So is that it? Humanity fails?

Robot Jesus 2.0: Not necessarily, Lucas Hargenrader! That typo, while egregious, must be weighed against numerous criteria, some of them quite subjective. For instance, the tale of Aaron Rubicon's foray into the alienating technology of Cyberdildonics was—

Before Robot Jesus could finish his sentence, The Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Leonard Russell appeared wearing a suicide vest.

Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord: Regula homines!

And then there was a huge, deafening explosion that knocked us to the ground. Ears ringing, trapped under the rubble, I shouted to Lucas.

Aaron: Are you OK, Lucas?

Lucas: What?

Aaron: Can you hear me?

Lucas: What?

Aaron: I said, can you hear me?

Lucas: What?

Aaron: Is the Galactic Overlord alive?

Lucas: Is the who what?

Aaron: The Overlord!

Lucas: The Ouija board?

Aaron: The Overlord!

Lucas: The clover gourd?

Aaron: What about Robot Jesus?

Lucas: Dodo leases?

Aaron: No! Robot Jesus!

Lucas: Ascot pieces?

Aaron: No! Robot Jesus!

LUCAS: Mascot freezes? Crackpot sneezes? Flaxseed pleases?

Aaron: No, no, no! I'm asking about Robot Jesus!

Lucas: Robot Jesus?

Aaron: Yes!

Lucas: What about him?

Aaron: Is he alive?

Lucas: Yeah, no, he's deader than disco.

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A few hours later, rescuers dug us out of the rubble and brought us to a hospital. Robot Jesus was gone and The High Galactic Overlord died in the blast. Luckily, Lucas and I both just needed a few stitches which turned out to cost $2,500 a stitch thanks to some very shrewd investing by Buck Flagg.

We also had a visitor who was able to shed some light on what the hell just happened.

Greg: Oh, dudes, I am so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?

Aaron: For what?

Greg: I gave the Burrito Supreme the code to get inside Robot Jesus's inner sanctum! And I didn't bring you a get well card! Well, I did, but it was a Family Circus!

Aaron: Give yourself a break. You were tortured!

Greg: Of course. Anyone would be tortured if they brought someone a get well soon card that you know will never make them well!

Aaron: I'm not talking about the emotional torture of buying the wrong card, I'm talking about the literal torture that the Supreme Overlord inflicted on you you.

Greg: Yeah. He pulled my fingernails out with pliers.

Aaron: Ouch!

Greg: Ha! That's exactly what I said! Great minds, right?

Aaron: So what happened?

Greg: He kept yelling, "What is the code?" And I kept yelling yell back, "I can't remember the code!"

Aaron: Because you didn't want to sell out Robot Jesus?

Greg: No, I desperately wanted to sell him out.

Aaron: Why?

Greg: So the Overlord would stop pulling out my fingernails with pliers.

Aaron: I thought that torture doesn't work.

Greg: No, you're thinking of Communism. Torture works great!

Aaron: So you gave him the code?

Greg: I couldn't do that!

Aaron: Because there was too much at stake?

Greg: Because I couldn't remember the code!

Aaron: What happened next?

Greg: Same thing as before. "What is the code?" "I can't remember the code!" What is the code?" "I can't remember the code!" Over and over again. But then he says, "We're going to do this as long as it takes until you remember the code."

Aaron: And what did you do?

Greg: I remembered the code.

Aaron: And what was the code?

Greg: I can't remember the code!

Aaron: You can tell us.

Greg: I can't remember the code.

Aaron: You forgot the code again?

Greg: No, I remember the code.

Aaron: Then what is the code?

Greg: I don't remember the code.

Aaron: You just said you did!

Greg: I do!

Aaron: Then what is the—

Lucas: Gentlemen, let me jump in here before you both get sued by the estates of Abbot and Costello. The code is, quote, "I don't remember the code," unquote.

Aaron: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks. So who came up with the "I don't remember the code,"code?

Greg: I did.

Aaron: What made you choose that?

Greg: I thought it was memorable.

Lucas: Rimshot!

Greg: Plus, I thought it was a good security measure. 'Cause even if you told them the code was I don't remember the code, they wouldn't know that the code was I don't remember the code, they'd just think you didn't remember the code.

Aaron: Well, it worked.

Greg: Tell that to my fingernails.

Aaron: You don't have any fingernails.

Greg: Exactly.

Aaron: But if the Supreme Leader didn't know that the code was the code how did he get the code?

Greg: Turns out, one of our programmers installed a back door and The Super Duper Pooper snuck in that way.

Aaron: What was the code to the back door?

Greg: There wasn't one.

Aaron: How can you have a back door with no code?

Greg: Wait. Sorry. Not a back door. A doggie door.

Aaron: But you said he was a programmer.

Greg: He is. And he has a cat.

Aaron: Wouldn't that make it a kitty door?

Greg: It's an interesting question, dude. I mean, is a door defined by the intent of the door maker? Or the user of the door? Come to think of it, it's not that interesting at all.

Aaron: Did the Supreme Unleaded explain why he wanted to destroy Robot Jesus?

Greg: He hated the idea that anyone but humans would decide our fate. And now that he has destroyed Robot Jesus, we have to.

Aaron: I see. Incidentally, does anyone know what it was that he yelled before killed Robot Jesus?

Lucas: Regula homines.

Aaron: Which means?

Lucas: Humans rule!

Greg: You gotta admit, that's badass!

Aaron: It is. Although it would have been a lot more impressive before we made a headless zombie our president.

Greg: Touché, dude. Too. Shay.