Quicki Bendover

Quicki called me out of the blue, saying she had something important to tell me. I know it makes me a bad person, but I was really really really hoping she had been bit by a zombie.

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OK, I'm here. What's the big news?

I'm going on a new book tour!

Oh.

Isn't that exciting?

I mean, I guess.

Also, I was bitten by a zombie.

You were? Oh my God! This is fantastic!

What's fantastic about it?

Well, for starters, it proves there is a god. Probably one of those petty, spiteful pagan gods, but whatever. I will take it!

You're happy about this?

You bet I am! You were the single biggest roadblock to finding a vaccine, peddling your preposterous theory about how diet soda was responsible for the zombie outbreak. And now your fraudulent chickens have come home to their fake roost!

Diet soda is terrible for you, and that's a fact. It causes strokes, heart attacks and diabetes.

But not zombie-ism.

I'm sure that's a huge comfort to all those people suffering on dialysis machines, day after day.

I'm not saying that diet soda doesn't have any negative health effects; I'm saying that it doesn't turn people into zombies.

There is no proof that diet soda doesn't make people into zombies.

That's because you can't prove a negative.

So you're saying that it is perfectly possible that I've been right all along.

I'm not saying that at all.

There's no shame in admitting you're wrong, Aaron. The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes.

I didn't make any mistakes! You did! And you'll realize how wrong you are when you become a zombie.

(Laughs) Don't be silly, Aaron. I won't become a zombie.

You're a real piece of work. I can't believe you're this deep in denial.

You're the one in denial. I will be fine.

Why? Because you you don't drink carbonated soda?

That's part of it. I also don't eat gluten or red meat or hydrogenated corn syrup. I take a shot of wheat grass every morning and I do Bikram Yoga every night. I do ear candling, Hawaiian Ho'oponopono, Fire Cupping Therapy, Bee Sting Therapy, Leech Therapy, Gua Sha, Vaginal Steaming and I took the vaccine.

Wait, what?!

Vaginal steaming. It's very healthy. See, you squat over a bowl of steaming water infused with mugwort, rosemary, basil—

I know what it is — well, I don't actually — but I just can't believe that you of all people would deign to take a vaccine.

Lila gave it to me. For free! She is so nice! It's like she's a long-lost flat-chested sister.

She's not flat-chested.

I'm not saying she's Emma Watson or anything, but in my business, if your boobs can't be used as a life raft, you're flat-chested.

Good to know. Did you meet her fiancée?

Yes! Turns out Buck is a huge fan of mine.

I am not surprised.

You know what he said to me? "I jerked off to you at least a thousand times!" Isn't that sweet?

Clearly, you are a terrible judge of character, but putting that aside... since when do you believe in western medicine?

I have always believed in western medicine.

That's not what you said the last time I interviewed you.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying.

Or in your new book: I DON'T BELIEVE IN WESTER MEDICINE.

I am being taken out of context.

Ms. Bendover, the full title is: I DON'T BELIEVE IN WESTER MEDICINE AND I AM NOT BEING TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT.

Soon to be adapted into a Broadway musical, starring Uma Thurman and Gallager Two. Original songs by the living members of the Insane Clown Posse.

How many living members are there?

None.

Huh?

They're all zombies.

Zombies can write music?

Of course not!

Then who is writing the music?

No one. It's not a musical.

But why you hire the Insane— Wait, are you trying to distract me about your anti-western medicine stance?

Not at all. Well, not successfully.

What I am getting at is that you spent years telling your followers to ignore the scientific method and evidence-based medicine, replacing it with intuition and pseudo-scientific gobbledygook. But when it was your life at stake, you wasted no time running into the arms of conventional medicine.

That's very cynical.

That's my point.

First of all, we have no idea what it was that gave me my immunity. Could it have been the vaccine? Sure, maybe, anything is possible. But maybe it was the kimchi I had the night before. Maybe it was the ginkgo biloba. Maybe it was from taking Marie Kondo's advice about tidying up. Maybe it was a combination of everything. There is literally no way to know.

There is definitely a way to know.

The important thing is that that I am OK.

Let me ask you, are you planning to give the vaccine to Holly Anne?

Holly Anne. Why does that name sound so familiar?

Because she's your daughter?

Yes, of course! That makes sense. Um, no, I don't think I would.

Why wouldn't you give your own child the cure?

First, because I believe children should be able to make their own medical decisions. And second, she's dead.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! When was this?

I want to say... sometime last week?

You don't know when your daughter died?

I'm a very busy working mother! And she was very small!

Jesus Christ! What happened to her?

I don't really know the details. Or the generalities, either. Honestly, that's really more of a Mirabel thing.

Um, as her mother, shouldn't that be your thing?

The whole point of hiring a nanny is to have someone to deal with the parts of parenting that are unpleasant. You know, like reading to them or listening to them talk about their boring dreams or learning the specifics of their untimely deaths.

Mirabel didn't tell you anything about what happened?

She knows not to distract me while I'm on a book tour. I'm sure I'll learn more when it's over and I can focus.

You're not cancelling your book tour?!

Book tours take a lot of planning. Holly Anne — It's Holly Ann, right?

Yes. Well done.

She'll still be dead when it's over. So why inconvenience everyone?

Holy shit! You are beyond despicable!

I'm despicable? You're the one who is attacking a grieving mother!

You only think about yourself!

No, I'm also thinking about all the people who will be inspired by the way I suffered the worst possible tragedy — the death of a child — yet found the strength to go on.

Yes. You're a of paragon of resiliency, but are you sure Holly Anne is dead?

Of course she is! Why wouldn't she be?

It occurs to me that you have literally no information about what happened. And if I understand you correctly, nobody actually told you that she died.

Well, I don't need anyone to tell me.

Why not?

Because I'm her mother. And a mother knows. A mother knows.

Maybe. But isn't that her over there?

Oh, for God's sake, Holly Anne! Must you ruin everything?