Mirabel, 31

One-Armed Nanny

So how did you wind up working for Quicki Bendover?

I applied for the job and she hired me on the spot.

Even though you are missing an arm?

Because I am missing an arm.

What do you mean?

She thought it would be a good lesson for her daughter to be around someone "less fortunate." Whenever Holly Anne complains, Quicki says, "At least you have two arms."

That seems condescending.

It is. But she pays three times what Lila did. And I get an entire wing in her house to myself.

That's great but... deep down, doesn't it bother you?

Having my arm torn out at the shoulder? That bothered me. Cashing in on it? Less so.

How is Quicki as a mother?

Quicki is a mother?

Are you saying she's not?

She gave birth to Holly Anne, but that is not the same thing.

She did give the impression that she was hands-off. Sorry. Figure of speech.

It's OK.

So tell me a little about Holly Anne.

I would rather not. She is just an innocent little girl and she deserves her privacy.

You're right. My apologies.

Ten years from now when she is poisoning a town's water supply at the bidding of her cult leader, we can discuss her childhood.

So you're saying that growing up with a permissive porn star celebrity mother doesn't necessarily make one the most well-adjusted individual?

As I said, I do not want to talk about Holly Anne.

Do you think Quicki loves Holly Anne?

I believe she does.

Well, that's something in her favor, right?

No.

No?

I am sorry, but Quicki does not deserve applause for loving her own child.

Why not?

Because it is something you do for yourself! Having children is nature's way of saying, "I love myself so much that I want to make more of me!" So of course you love your children! That is not a bad thing, but it doesn't make you some kind of saint.

Why are you so bothered by this?

Because Quicki has weaponized motherhood. Whenever someone criticizes her she brings up the fact that she is a mother. And suddenly, you are not attacking her dumb ideas, you are attacking motherhood itself!

Now that you mention it, she did that to me!

She does that to everyone.

Wow. You've had to put up with some really difficult employers. First Lila. Now Quicki. How do you do it?

I am the entitled-white-woman whisperer.

So I have to ask: Who do you like better, Quicki or Lila?

Lila.

Whoa! You didn't even hesitate. Why Lila?

For all her faults, she at least has the good sense not to reproduce.

Ouch!

You do not agree?

Honestly, to me, they basically seem like the same person.

No no no. They could not be more different!

Really? What's the difference?

Lila is a stupid idiot. Quicki is a genius idiot.

I don't understand.

A stupid idiot says stupid things. A genius idiot says stupid things too, but she also makes you say stupid things.

Can you give me an example?

Yes. Recently, with all of the news reports of zombies I became concerned about security and I asked Quicki for help.

Why her?

Because people in the community listen to her.

But she knows nothing about security issues.

She knows nothing about anything. But in my time in America, I have learned that if you want anyone to pay attention to you, it helps to have a famous person on your side.

I can't argue with that.

So I told Quicki that I wanted to build a wall.

I'm sorry. Did you say a wall?

Yes.

You want to build a wall?

Yes. Is that so surprising?

I mean... it's a little ironic, isn't it?

Why?

Because, you know, your people aren't necessarily big fans of walls.

My people being...?

From Latin America.

We had an issue with a wall, not all walls. Walls are wonderful things. You can lean on them. You can paint them. And without walls, there would be no ceilings! That is why everyone in Latin America has walls.

Point taken.

Floors, however, well that is a different story.

So what did Quicki say?

She said it would ruin her mountain view. And I said, yes, but it is more important to save lives.

What did Quicki say to that?

She said that she agreed that lives were important, but a wall would be exclusionary and she thought that was unfair.

That's actually kind of noble.

Except she lives in a gated community.

Oh. Awkward.

And then she said it didn't matter anyway because there had not been any zombie sightings in our community.

And I said that makes this the perfect time to build a wall, while the zombies are on the outside and we are on the inside.

And Quicki said, "And how exactly would this so-called wall work, anyway?"

I said they would work very much like the other walls she has seen throughout her life.

And Quicki said, "But how are people supposed to get in?"

And I said, "We'll have a password."

Then she says, "What about people who have hearing disabilities? A lot of them can't say the password. "

So I said, "Fine, they can sign a password."

And she said, "Will the guards be trained in American Sign Language?"

And I said, "Yes. They will all be trained in American Sign Language."

But then she said, "What if the deaf person doesn't know American Sign Language?"

And I said, "Why wouldn't they?"

And she said, "Really, Mirabel? You of all people should know that not everybody is American."

Low blow.

So I said, "OK, fine. We will hire international deaf translators so the ASL-trained guards can determine whether they're zombies or not."

At which point she tells me that there are a hundred different kinds of sign language!

That's amazing. And also, a weird thing for her to know.

Yes. Apparently, she learned about it doing a deaf porn. Something about Helen Keller, I think. The Miracle Jerker.

There's deaf porn? What am I saying? Of course there's deaf porn.

Then Quicki starts listing all the kinds of sign language there are. "There's French sign language. Korean sign language. Afghan Sign Language..."

And I say, "What are the odds that an Afghan deaf person shows up at our wall?"

"I don't know, but if Malala gets turned away because you don't care about deaf Afghans, well I wouldn't want that on my conscience."

"Malala?"

"She's such an inspiration! She won a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I know who she is, Quicki, but is Malala even deaf?"

And as soon as I asked the question I realized that I had fallen into her trap, because I had completely moved away from the idea of building a wall.

So I tried one more time. I said, "Quicki, aren't you concerned about the safety of your daughter?"

And she got all insulted, "I'm her mother! Are you saying you know better than me how to raise my own child?"

So... no wall?

Quicki will have her view and a lot of people will needlessly die.

Unfortunate.

There is a bright spot.

Which is?

Our town will be one hundred precent deaf-Malala-accessible.

That's nice, I guess.

All I can say is that if Malala does show up here, that bitch better appreciate what we have done for her.