Lila

Outside of Lila's house it looked like a block party. It was extremely crowded, making it hard to maneuver Lucas' and Stephanie's cages to the front door. It was quite a celebration. There was live music, gourmet food trucks, and a wine bar. There was also a bounce house and face painting for the kids. A lot of people were wearing T-shirts or buttons with Lila's likeness.

I asked one of the locals, a young mother, what they were celebrating.

"Lila," she said.

"Is it her birthday?"

She laughed. "Better! It's her bite day!"

It turned out that Lila had been bitten. For real this time.

When we went into the house, Lila was lying on her enormous bed, wearing a shimmering white robe. With her arms crossed across her chest, she looked like a pharaoh, except with a more expensive pedicure.

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So we heard the news from your neighbors.

Yes! So sweet of them to honor me this way! Sending me to the next level of my spiritual journey with all this positive energy!

Well, that's quite a, um, upbeat interpretation.

Why shouldn't I be upbeat?

Because you're going to spend the rest of your existence wandering the Earth as a zombie. Unfeeling, uncaring, mindless. Which, I grant you, isn't a huge change, but still.

Oh, Aaron, after all this time, haven't you figured it out by now? The Universe has a plan for me!

Doesn't the Universe have a plan for everyone?

I mean... yes. But let's be honest: There are plans and there are plans.

The difference being?

Have you ever seen a movie?

Indeed I have.

A movie has a few important characters you care about and the rest are there just to take up space, right?

You're talking about extras.

Yes! They all have a "plan" but their plans are, like, sit at a table and eat some ravioli or walk across the street or nod when one of the important characters says something. Sometimes you just see the backs of their heads or an elbow or whatever. They don't have names, they don't have stories and nobody cares what happens to them.

And that's how you think the Universe works?

It is. OK, there's this story, in the Bible that takes place a long time ago before the United States was invented. There was this guy — I don't remember his name, Pepe or something — whose job it was to sweep the castle's steps. And there are sooooooo many steps to sweep and it takes forever to get it all swept and then when he's all done sweeping you know what happens? The queen walks up the steps, getting sand all over the place, and now Pepe has to start all over again. But Pepe doesn't mind. In fact, he does it with a spring in his step and a song in his heart. Do you know why?

Because... Pepe is a little, um, "slow"?

LUCAS: Because Pepe gets a fair wage and good benefits thanks to the Step-Sweeper's Union Local 22?

STEPHANIE: Because Pepe is planning on deposing the queen in a bloody coup?

No, no and yuck. It's because Pepe knows that it's an honor to sweep the the steps of the queen.

I'm sorry, which book of the Bible is this in?

I don't know. I think it was the extended version.

Any more wisdom for us?

Well, lying here on my un-death bed has really given me a new perspective.

What have you learned?

That Mirabel doesn't clean the crown moldings at all!

STEPHANIE: I guess she didn't read the Book of Pepe.

It's a disgrace, is what it is. Look at all those cobwebs!

But Mirabel hasn't worked for you for years.

And it shows! It's like a haunted house up there!

Let's move on. Can you tell us who bit you?

It was literally the last person you'd expect.

And by that you mean...?

A white guy.

Ah.

Ironic, right?

Depends.

On what?

Whether you know what "ironic" actually means.

Here's the thing: I made it my policy to keep my distance from anyone darker than oatmeal.

That's pretty racist.

There's nothing racist about oatmeal. Maybe brown sugar, but that's really not for me to decide.

No, what's racist is that you believe darker-skinned people are more likely to bite you.

They were more likely to bite me! Maybe you forgot, but I was bitten by my gardener Òscar — a brown man — and I was only saved because his teeth had rotted away.

Yeah, but assuming that—

I didn't bite him, he bit me! Why are you blaming the victim?

OK, but now you were bitten by a white guy. What does that tell you?

That sometimes white people act like brown people?

STEPHANIE: So... are you turning into a zombie or what?

Thank you for your concern—

LUCAS: Yeah, that's what it was. Concern.

—and I am starting to feel a little light-headed.

Like your life force is draining away?

Like I have low blood sugar. I haven't eaten anything for a while. Could one of you get me some Greek yogurt?

STEPHANIE: You see that we're in cages, right?

There are no cages except for the ones we create for ourselves.

STEPHANIE: Well, this cage was made by The Indestructible Steel Company, so you might be waiting awhile for that yogurt.

Fine. I guess I'll use my last precious moments of life to get it myself.

I'll get it for you.

That's sweet of you, Aaron. And if you can cut up some kiwi and drizzle some honey on it, that would be divine.

(A few minutes later)

OK, here you go.

Where are the almonds?

You didn't ask for almonds.

I'm pretty sure I did.

Fine. I'll be right back.

(A few minutes later...)

Here. Almonds. Happy now?

Mmm. That's good.

Glad you like it.

It would've been better if the almonds were toasted, but...

(Silence as Lila eats her yogurt.)

How does it feel to know that you're eating the last Greek yogurt you'll ever eat?

STEPHANIE: Way to ask the important questions, Rubicon.

(A silence fell, lasting ten minutes.)

So how are you feeling now?

Better, thanks. That Greek yogurt really did the trick.

Are you starting to feel more, um, zombie-ish?

Honestly, not really.

Weird. Because everyone else who got bit lasted fifteen minutes, max.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I not turning into a zombie fast enough for you?

No, no. You take all the time you need.

(A long silence)

My car is at a meter, though. So if this is going to go much longer...

(Another long silence.)

So...?

Nothing.

Are you sure you were bitten?

What kind of question is that? Yes, I'm sure! (Shows us her shoulder; it has a nasty bite)

Are you sure it was a zombie?

I'm not an idiot. I know what a zombie is. Glassy stare. Goes Rrrrr!

LUCAS: That's a zombie all right.

STEPHANIE: Then what's taking so long?

Maybe... Lila is immune?

LUCAS: And if she is...

STEPHANIE: ...she may be the most important person in the world.

See? The Universe knows it's doing. Now, which one of you wants to clean my crown molding?