Leonard Russel

Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord

Colonel Leonard Russell was one of the few high-ranking surviving members of the U.S. military during the Robot Apocalypse. He subsequently promoted himself to General and then, after going a bit crazy, to the fantastical rank of Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord, which he still holds today.

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Let's start with the obvious question.

How do we defeat the zombie army?

How do you still have a job?

What do you mean?

The robots killed approximately ninety percent of the world's population and as the highest ranking military officer, shouldn't you take responsibility?

I take full responsibility.

How so?

By saying the words, "I take full responsibility." Which I just did. Responsibly.

But why weren't you relieved of command?

Because I am the highest ranking military officer and until we elect a president, nobody has the authority to do so.

When will we be having that election?

Soon.

Can you be more specific?

Soon-ish.

OK. Now that we've cleared that up... how do we defeat the zombie army?

The first thing you need to know is that the zombie army is unlike anything we've ever faced.

Yikes.

The second thing you need to know is that there is no zombie army.

But you just said there was!

It was a rhetorical flourish. An army has a command structure, rules, trained personnel and, in this army at least, fashion-forward uniforms that I designed myself.

Very snazzy. I like the beadwork.

Thank you. What we're actually dealing with is a bunch of zombies.

Wait. The collective noun for zombies is a bunch?

Is that a problem?

I guess not. Just seems a little banal. Why not a Horde of Zombies? Or a Stagger of Zombies? Oooh! A Thriller of Zombies!

I truly do not care.

A Thriller of Zombies it is! Make a note of that, Lucas!

[LUCAS: I'm not you're slave!]

You're not?

[LUCAS: No, you're right. Sorry. I must have spaced for a minute.] (Makes note.)

What I'm getting at is that the zombies have completely changed our understanding of how war is fought.

How so?

Well, ever since the advent of war, combatants shared the same goal: Turning the enemy's living people into dead people.

Seems straightforward enough.

And just as important, the dead people understood that they were dead.

How do you know they understood that?

Because they did the time-honored thing that dead people do.

Which was?

Nothing! Dead people did absolutely nothing! [Turns away, sobs]

General, are you... crying?

My apologies, but I can't help myself. When I think about how it used to be, with of all those maggot-riddled corpses, silent and unmoving as they decomposed on the muddy battlefield like God intended, I get a little nostalgic. Such a simpler time. Such an innocent time.

Like a Rockwell painting, but with shrapnel and brain splatter.

Precisely. Now, though, we are facing an enemy who is already dead, but for some reason refuses to accept his own deadness.

Any theory as to why?

I'm no psychologist, but were I to hazard a guess I'd say it's our culture of narcissism. No one cares about the common good anymore. They've been led to believe that they are the most important thing in the world. So of course they won't just lay down and die like a normal, decent person. They're too "special" for that.

You're definitely right.

About the culture of narcissism?

About you not being a psychologist.

It's all academic anyway. My concerns are more pragmatic. Because the problem isn't just that the dead refuse to act dead, but they will immediately start fighting for the other side.

That is a problem.

Not to mention a court-martial-able offense known as Aiding The Enemy.

And what's the punishment for Aiding the Enemy?

Death.

Huh. Doesn't sound like much of a deterrent.

Not in this case, no. And obviously, it could have a significant negative impact on our soldiers' unit cohesion. In battle, it is of paramount importance to be able to rely on your fellow soldiers. Can you imagine how demoralizing it is to know that somebody you love and trust could, at any moment, suddenly turn around and try to kill you?

Sure I can. That's pretty much the story of my marriage.

And let's not forget: The zombies do not have the same emotional weaknesses that the living do. They have no conscience, no remorse, no loyalty, not regret. You might look at them and still see your friend or family member or lover, but when they look at you, all they see is lunch.

This is uncanny. Are you sure you haven't met Tricia?

I've forgotten how annoying you can be.

[LUCAS: He's only gotten worse.]

I'm sorry. So how have you been preparing to defend against the zombies?

Well, as you know, when the robots attacked, we were completely flat-footed. This time around, we are determined to be proactive. In fact, we recently completed a top secret military training exercise code-named Living Dead, a full-scale live-fire simulation of a zombie invasion in a large American town.

That's interesting, but given that up until very recently zombies only existed in fiction, how did you get the simulated "zombies" to behave in a realistic manner?

We didn't.

But if your soldiers aren't encountering authentic zombie behavior, isn't the whole exercise pointless?

I meant, we didn't use simulated zombies.

So what did you use?

Real zombies.

That seems incredibly reckless!

No, reckless would be failing to understand our enemy. Again.

Yeah, but the potential blowback—

Good Lord! You don't like it when we don't use real zombies, you don't like it when we do use real zombies. Tell me, Rubicon, what would make you happy?

[LUCAS: Welcome to my world.]

Point taken, I guess. So how did it go?

It was a huge success.

You defeated the zombies?

No. They quickly overwhelmed us, nearly everyone turned into zombies and we ultimately had to set fire to the whole place with thermite bombs.

I assume you mean pretend thermite bombs.

I do not.

You dropped them on actual people?

Of course. We also wanted authentic civilian behavior.

You used real soldiers, real zombies and real civilians? I thought you said this was a simulation of a large American town.

It was. We simulated it with a large Canadian town.

You you blanketed an entire town with incendiaries? Silicon Christ! How did that make the Canadians feel?

Hot, I imagine.

No, I mean, didn't their government complain?

They did not. You know Canadians. They don't like to make a fuss.

True, but... how on earth does this qualify as a success?

Because we learned a lot about the challenges of engaging the zombies.

So, the deaths of thousands of innocent people; we're just going to gloss over that?

Yes. Thank you for your cooperation.

Um... you're welcome. So what have you learned?

Firearms are of limited utility against the undead. Even shooting them in the head seems to be ineffective in slowing their advance. I assure you, you've never seen glummer snipers in all your life. It's tremendously sad.

Honestly, I'm not emotionally wired to feel sorry for sad snipers.

You should. They're great guys. And they tell the best stories.

Do all of those stories end with the words, "and then I shot him in the head?"

Yes, but it's how they tell it that makes it fun.

I'll take your word for it. So is anything effective against zombies?

Define "effective."

It kills zombies—

Then, yes.

—without getting humans killed, too.

Then, no.

Please elaborate.

Zombies are susceptible to fire. They are susceptible to high explosives. But these weapons are imprecise and unpredictable, which becomes a problem because contact with the zombies will largely occur in inhabited areas, with civilians, zombies and soldiers all mixed in together. The collateral damage will be immense.

So is there hope?

Like I said, this is a new kind of warfare. Our mission is to re-kill the un-killed before the un-killed un-kills the non-killed.

Gosh. When you say it that way, it sounds so easy.

We have a tough fight ahead, but we will adapt. We will prevail.

Why don't you just drop some thermite bombs and call it a day?

You can't just go around dropping bombs on a populated area! For God's sake, this isn't Canada!