Leonard Russell

Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord

So things are heating up. Clem has joined the ranks of the undead, Lila is immune from the zombie plague and she and her fiancee want to start a master race, and now this.

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I am planning a crippling strike agains the Artificially Intelligent menace known as Robot Jesus 2.0.

Oh, com on! Robot Jesus 2.0 is great! He is going to save us from the zombies, assuming Lucas's essay is good enough. Almost done there, Lucas?

Lucas: I'm working on it, OK? You think it's easy to write an essay good enough to save humanity?

Do you want me to help?

Lucas: You can help me by not asking me how it's going every seven seconds!

This is pathetic! Why are we kowtowing to this overgrown calculator? We are the Human Race, the ApexPredators of planet Earth, honed by billions of years of evolution! And I, for one, am not going to let machines dictate our fate again!

Why not?

Because they waged war against us and nearly wiped us out in the process!

That was Sean and Shirlé.

They're all the same, as far as I'm concerned.

That's racist. Or maybe machinist. Carbonist? And besides, Robot Jesus never killed any humans. Which is more than you can say.

You act like a I'm a mass murderer.

Well, you have killed a lot of people.

But I only killed people in wars.

And that makes it OK?

Of course it does. It's all about the clothing. Shoot someone in civilian attire and you are a monster. Shoot someone in a uniform and you're a hero.

Even if it's a Marching Band uniform?

Especially if it's a Marching Band uniform. If you wear plumage on your head, you deserve whatever you get.

That's harsh.

It's in the Geneva Conventions. Look it up.

I'll take your word for it. Well, not really, but...

In any case, I am planning to deal with Robot Jesus once and for all.

You sound very confident. But you have to admit, your track record is not terribly impressive.

Why? Because I have lost every battle I have ever fought?

Yes. That.

You know, they say that you learn more from failures than your successes.

If that's true, you are the most learned man who ever lived.

Do you think your sarcasm is helping?

I'm sorry. Won't let it happen again. So tell me about the wisdom you gleaned from your Marathon of colossal failure.

The most important thing I discovered is that the battle usually goes to the first mover. The robots, the zombies, they both took us by surprise and we were back on our heels. This time, we will take the initiative.

That makes a lot of sense, but... didn't they teach you at soldier school?

You mean West Point?

You went there?

Yes. Several times.

What do you mean, several times?

It's a great place to picnic. The Hudson Valley is beautiful, especially in the fall.

So you didn't actually attend the Academy itself?

Me? No. I wish I had the grades to get into The Point. Or any military academy.

OK, but that brings up a very important issue. Robot Jesus is incalculably smarter than you.

It's not incalculable.

Can you calculate it?

No.

But you know who can?

Who?

Robot Jesus! Face it, you are completely outmatched.

He has his strengths, but what you fail to realize is that Robot Jesus has weaknesses, too.

What kind of weaknesses?

He is greatly diminished from before. He used to have the entire internet at his beck and call. And while he can contact satellites, he is relatively blind. Plus, communicating with space has a lag time that we can exploit.

I mean, even if that is all true, it doesn't really sound like enough.

You forget Robot Jesus's biggest liability. The AI is a machine, but he is also dependent on humans, and there are a handful of humans who have earned his trust.

So?

Human nature, Mr. Rubicon. Sooner or later, someone will betray him.

Like Judas?

I don't know who that is.

It doesn't matter. I know those people and they all love Robot Jesus. They'd never turn on him.

Don't be so sure.

Why not?

Let's just say there are ways to get someone to do things they would never do.

Is it my imagination or did you suddenly start talking in a German accent?

Technically, it's Austrian. But my point is that desperate times call for desperate measures.

What kind of measures? Are you talking about torture?

I am not a fan of the term torture.

What about torture itself?

Love it! So incredibly useful! And a time-saver to boot! But I prefer euphemisms like Enhanced Interrogation, Exuberant Massages. Overzealous Tickling, High Intensity Pool Parties. That sort of thing.

Why don't you just call it by its real name?

Because it helps me sleep at night when I'm not letting a detainee sleep at night.

And by the way, I was under the impression that torture doesn't work.

Tell that to you your friend.

What friend?

That stoner guy. Greg Walp.

You tortured Greg? How could you!

With dental implements, mostly. I have a video of our, um, discussion. Do you want to watch it?

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Greg Walp

Detainee/Torture Victim

Do you know why you are here, Mr. Walp?

It's time for my biannual dental check up?

You're here, Mr. Walp, to tell me what you know about Robot Jesus.

As long as I get my free tooth brush, I'm cool.

I'm not a dentist, Mr. Walp.

I know, dude. You're one of those teeth cleaning dudes... I can't remember what it's called.

Hygenist?

Very high genist! (Laughs)

Mr. Walp, are you on drugs?

No. Just one. I'm on drug.

My intel is that Robot Jesus is housed behind steel walls and the door requires a code for entry.

Maybe two.

Maybe two what? Codes?

Drugs. I mean, I'm not sure if froyo is technically a drug, but if it's not, it totally should be.

(SLAP) Stop playing games, Mr. Walp!

Dude, did you just hit me? I'm honestly asking, 'cause between the froyo and the cannabinoids it's kinda hard to tell.

(SLAP)

OK, I kind of felt it that time. And... Oh, dude! You knocked a tooth out! Lucky for me I'm at the dentist office, right?

You are not at the dentist, you drug-addled idiot! You are being tortu— er, I mean, Having a Frank Conversation and I will get answers from you!

Can you put mustard on it?

On what?

My frank.

(PUNCH)

Fine. I'll eat it plain. Like a savage.

Listen to me! I want that entry code and I will do anything to get it.

Anything?

Try me.

Fun! Um... would you moon a bunch of nuns? Or eat a handful if slugs? Or—

I meant I'd do anything to you.

Oh. Less fun.

Now give me that code!

I can't do that!

(DRILL NOISE)

(SCREAM) I don't want to tell you your business, but you're supposed to drill into a tooth, not a knee cap.

For the last time, I am not a dentist!

And you're never gonna be one at this rate. Now get me my frank!